The 5 Most Baffling Sex Scenes in the History of Fanfiction
When traveling in the vast, anonymous, lawless expanse known as the Internet, it's a given that you're going to run into some weird shit. Maybe none of it is weirder than the world of erotic fanfiction.
This is where fans lovingly write up tales of, say, Legolas and Gimli going at it, in excruciating detail. But dig deeper and you find stories featuring such random matchups of character that it'll send your mind, and boner, reeling:
Captain Jean-Luc Picard Meets Elrond From Lord of the Rings; Sex Ensues
In this long, molasses-paced tale, Picard is on the most important mission of his life: a mission for fun. It seems that his superiors think he needs a vacation, and so they send him off to [insert garbled fake planet name here] to relax.
Of course, something unexplained goes horribly wrong, and he ends up crash-landing on Middle-Earth. He's found and nursed back to health by Lord Elrond. Hilarity ensues.
Oh, wait, did we say hilarity? There's actually none of that. Instead it's just four more chapters of Elrond telling Picard to stay in bed, Picard playing a flute, and Glorfindel wandering by, thinking that this is the gayest damn thing he's ever seen.
Finally, Picard admits that he "experimented" once with a French dude, and Elrond, proving himself as trustworthy and honorable as any good elf, takes advantage of Picard's fragile emotional state to make out with him:
They drew away after what seemed a lifetime but was only mere minutes. The taste of Elrond's lips still lingered in Picard's mouth as they finally looked upon each other with new eyes. Relieved sighs came from both of them as both embraced, Elrond nuzzling against Picard's neck as he rested against Elrond's shoulder.
Please pause here and take a moment to savor the thought of Hugo Weaving "nuzzling" someone. Really fix that image in your mind.
But It Really Gets Creepy When...
Elrond went further by clutching Picard with his fingers, pulling at the fabric of his slacks to feel what was underneath.
The telltale bulge in the elf's leggings stood out between them, especially with the weight it had against Picard's thigh.
Elrond moved over Picard's body like a serpent and sharply nibbled at a peaked nipple.
A few quick notes to the author: slacks are not hot. You've never heard a love song with the word "slacks" in it. Even less hot than slacks are bulging leggings, particularly when they're barely concealing an elven boner. Also, the image of Agent Smith slithering up and down Patrick Stewart's body, snake-style, is one that will haunt us until the end of our days, thanks so much.
Plausibility Factor: 2
First of all, we're going to object to the notion that Middle Earth is a separate planet from Earth, which Tolkien always insisted was in the distant past of our world, or on some other plane of existence. It's difficult to believe that any LotR fan could pleasure themselves to a story with that kind of inaccuracy.
The best explanation we can contrive is that maybe Picard entered some kind of interdimensional rift, and the ship's navigation tried to adjust by sending him to a world with a fan base as geeky as his own.
Fred and George Weasley from Harry Potter Hook Up With Lance Bass of N*SYNC
According to this romantic tale, Fred and George Weasley from the Harry Potter universe were at a party with Lance Bass of N*Sync fame. Beyond that, the narrative offers absolutely no explanation. Whose party was it? Was this in the wizarding world, or in the human world? Why were they both invited? Is Lance Bass secretly a wizard? No one knows.
Either way, we soon find out that Fred and George (who are twins, if you're new to the Harry Potterverse) have a sexy game they play where they do a switcheroo on their sex partners without letting them know. Cue breathy dirty-talk and weird instances of twin-language:
"Mayflower," Fred said casually, which was their code word for "Someone wants you and can I pretend to be you and have sex with them please?" "Lance Bass."
George's eyes widened. "Lance Bass wants me?"
Fred's heart sank. That wasn't the right response, as far as he was concerned. "Yeah?"
"I didn't even know he was here," George said, looking around furtively, and Fred's heart sank even more. This didn't look promising.
Throughout the story, the writer makes the very bold assumption that Lance Bass is a treat no questionably gay wizard could bear to pass up. Bypassing even "ass," "cock" and "twin," the most commonly uttered phrase in the story is "It's Lance Bass!" as though this is all the motivation a healthy wizard boner needs.
The setting jumps around in the course of this 15,000-word epic of magic and homosexual hook-ups. It's made all the stranger by the random allusions to the magical Harry Potter world, and the odd phrases the author uses to make everything sound erotic, even when it's clearly, clearly not:
They flew to the nearest Portkey and lingered there, licking vinegar-stained fingers and making excuses not to go home until Fred grabbed George's damp hand and held it over the half-chewed acorn.
"We've got room for a fourth, right? Yeah. I think we do."
But It Really Gets Creepy When...
Capitalizing on his fame as a late-nineties pop star/astronaut hopeful, Bass manages to convince both Weasleys to accompany him home, where he not only successfully seduces them, but manages to turn them gay for each other, as well.
That's right; brothers Fred and George do it for Mr. Bass's benefit, and then realize they're more attracted to each other than anyone else. Keep in mind that they're identical twins. Here, narcissism reaches new, terrifying heights.
Plausibility Factor: 5
There are a number of problems here. The Weasley twins belong to a wizarding world bound to secrecy, with its own, self-contained culture (including its own music). This begs the question of how exactly they know who "It's Lance Bass!" is.
But even if we forgive all of that, we still refuse to believe that "Bye Bye Bye" has gotten anyone laid since 2001.
Frank N. Furter from The Rocky Horror Picture Show Meets a Highlander
Now we're venturing into the land of the truly bizarre. Who should stumble onto the castle of one Dr. Frank N. Furter, your friendly neighborhood tranny/cannibal from Rocky Horror Picture Show, but Methos, a 5,000 year-old immortal from the Highlander TV show and movies. How, exactly?
That's what we'd like to ask the author of this tale. The answer seems to be, "Wouldn't you like to know."
From the story:
How Methos had ended up taking a teaching job in the arse-end of nowhere, he wasn't entirely sure...
Well, that's convenient. Naturally, Methos chooses the rainiest, darkest night of the year to drive to the ass-end of nowhere, and naturally he gets a flat tire. So Methos chooses to walk back to a big creepy house he passed a ways back and ask for help. Five millennia haven't taught him much about self-sufficiency, apparently.
After a perfunctory and ultimately pointless introduction to all the minor characters, Methos meets Frank, and is inexplicably attracted to him.
"You're quite handsome." Methos started at the sudden declaration from the host.
"Why, thank you Dr. Furter, you're pretty good looking yourself."
"Oh, please. Call me Frank."
"Okay, Frank. You can call me Benjamin."
"Well, Benjamin. You have both looks and brains. God was having a good day when he made you." Methos smirked. Frank was clearly trying to chat him up, and Methos had to admit that he found this unique individual somewhat arousing, in a disturbing way. He hadn't swung that way in a very long time, but he thought he might be amenable.
Now, we can't speak for all of you, but we're pretty sure that if we hadn't considered man-on-man sex in several thousand years, Tim Curry in bad drag would not change our minds. In fact, it would probably pretty much fucking guarantee that the idea never crossed our minds again, no matter how many more seedy encounters on back roads we lived through.
But It Really Gets Creepy When...
After the strangely short and undetailed description of the sex, Frank randomly and inexplicably tries to murder Methos, obviously unsuccessfully, since he's immortal and all. Methos flees the castle.
He ran back to his car, started the engine and floored it, ignoring the complaining squeals from the flat tyre as he headed back to the main road as fast as possible.
Were this a sensible or kind world, that sentence would have come right after "God was having a good day when he made you." Unfortunately, it is not; this is the kind of world where women are men, men are immortal, and five-thousand-year-old straight guys accept blowjobs from cross-dressing strangers.
Plausibility Factor: 4
At least these two sort of exist in the same world, unlike Captain Picard and Elrond up there.
However, even if we want to accept that a Highlander would accept a job that would place him out in the wilderness with crazed trannies and that he would get a flat "tyre," we still can't see him relinquishing centuries of repressed sexuality at the weirdly manicured hands of a sadistic drag queen.
Indiana Jones Has His Way with Lord Voldemort
When Tom Riddle (the alter ego of the evil Lord Voldemort from the Harry Potter books) goes looking for an artifact that can grant him immortality, he's going to need a guide. And who better to guide this nubile young man, not just in his quest for the artifact, but also in his quest for self-discovery (read: dong) than Dr. Indiana Jones, everyone's favorite middle-aged whip-wielding archaeologist?
Or so it goes in this heartwarming story. After leading nineteen-year-old Voldemort out into the Egyptian desert, alone, Indy does some shameful things to him, including rubbing his boner on him in his sleep, interrogating him about his sexual preferences, and generally being roguishly good-looking.
But It Really Gets Creepy When...
Indy continually refers to Riddle as "kid," even while pounding him in the ass, and takes Tom's lack of argument as consent:
"You're touching me. That's not considered appropriate behavior," Tom whispered, his bottom lip trembling while his limbs felt frozen.
"Maybe not. But I don't think you're going to stop me." Indiana stroked his hand up Tom's hip, and pulled his shirt from his trousers. Tom's eyes fluttered shut when he felt Indiana's fingers touch the skin of his lower back. But he forced them open again and stared into Indiana's determined eyes.
"I should stop you." Tom knew he should. This was a Muggle. Not to mention a man twice his age. But that didn't bother Tom as much. This was a Muggle, and Tom was a wizard, and this Muggle had no right to lay a hand on the heir of Slytherin.
"Stop me," Indiana said, and made it sound like a dare.
"I fucking dare you."
So now in addition to archaeologist, professor, Nazi hunter, and badass, Dr. Jones can claim the title of "sort-of rapist." Naturally, in the end, Riddle is forced to reveal that he's a wizard, which leads to some awe-inspiringly ridiculous innuendo.
Tom remembered how good he'd felt the previous night, how good Indiana's cock had made him feel. He gave Indiana a lopsided grin. "We could play cards. Or we could discuss music." He got up on his knees and pushed Indiana down on the sand. "Or we could make magic," he whispered, slipping his wand from his pocket.
In fact, it would take an expert to determine where exactly the innuendo stops up there.
Plausibility Factor: 7
As far as Harry Potter-related fuck stories go, this one makes a lot more sense than the whole Lance Bass/Weasley Twins debacle earlier. And we admire that the writer tried to line up the time periods. They both exist in a world of magical artifacts, so they get some extra leeway there.
However, every Harry Potter fan knows that Riddle would be highly unlikely to accept help from Indy, a lame-ass Muggle. Compounded onto that is the fact that we just refuse to imagine Indiana Jones halfway molesting teenagers. We'd never look at Short Round the same way again.
Dr. McKay From Stargate Atlantis Beds a Comic Strip Character Somehow
Jason Fox from the comic strip Fox Trot is all grown up, and doing things Bill Amend never dreamed of. Gentlemen, get ready to have your minds blown.
See, this is the problem with the Internet: anonymity. Online, you can post multi-chapter porno fantasies about the Sunday comics, then you get to return to your normal life without people realizing they probably need to avoid you.
This tale starts when Jason is hired to work in Atlantis for...some secret project. While trying to find his way around, he stumbles across Rodney McKay, resident snotty 40-year-old genius. McKay, previously straight, is instantly attracted to the now-adult Jason Fox, carefully avoiding the fact that he only exists in two dimensions:
Rodney was all set to give the guy a glare, but it faded away when he got his first real look at him. In point of fact, his mouth went a little slack and there may have been some drool.
After three more chapters of awkward, repetitive rambling in which they've become BFFs, they sit down for a heart-to-heart chat and decide they'd like to do it. It happens in the kind of blunt dialogue exchange that every sexually repressed "friend" dreams of:
"You're my friend, Rodney, probably the best one I've had in a long time. I like talking to you, hanging out with you, and I even like listening to you complain about dumb stuff. And now that you've pointed it out, I think I might like trying sex with you."
The result is about as hot as you'd expect.
But It Really Gets Creepy When...
Here's the description of Jason, from Dr. McKay's point of view:
Yellow blond hair in an untidy mop that was more high school boy than professional academic. Bright blue eyes and thin framed glasses. Incredibly smooth, fair skin that screamed of a complexion blessedly free of acne and other skin problems. A fine-featured face that was more pretty than handsome with a pink-lipped mouth that already seemed heavily kissed.
Yes, that's exactly how we'd describe this guy, if we had to:
Plausibility Factor: 0
The only part of this that makes sense is that Jason probably could grow up to be an astrophysicist working on top-secret projects. That does not however overcome the fact that he exists in a two-dimensional world of primary colors, where all humans have what would be considered gross deformities in our world. Any act of sex between them is unthinkable, therefore we're not going to think about it any longer.
Watch Cracked's own far more believable brand of fanfiction in The Schwarzenegger Conspiracy: Deadliest Cover Up Ever.