Creepy Because: Holy shit, get that thing away from us!
If the DC superhero teams were islands in the Pacific, the Justice League would be the Big Island of Hawaii, with its majestic beaches and luxurious resorts, while the Doom Patrol would be one of those islands with lepers. The Doom Patrol embrace all those superheroes who are too ugly to team up with anyone else.
We don't know how something that looks like Inner Child can exist in the same planet as Superman without Superman tossing him into the sun just on general principle. Anyway, he was found by Doom Patrol member Dorothy inside a Haunted House the team was using as headquarters at the time. We guess demoniacally-possessed property is very cheap in today's market. He befriended Dorothy who, as a very hairy 16-year-old girl with the face of a chimpanzee, could use all the friends she could find.
Wait, what the fuck is going on up there? Do you people remember that scene in The Shining where the ghost of a guy in a dog suit is giving a blow job to an old guy? Well, if Dog-suit-man ever walked into a room and found this scene, he'd go, "Hey, guys! What are you doing--SHIT! SHIT! OH MY GOD!" and then he'd run away to Amityville or some other haunted house where such things are frowned on.
Yes, it appears that two naked fat ghosts, one with a house plant tied to his face, want to "play" with Dorothy. We are not exactly sure what Dorothy would gain by following Inner Child's advice besides a sore ass and memories that will haunt her forever, but it looks like Inner Child wants to stay and watch.
Seriously, there aren't even words for all the fetishes at play here.
OK, how about we never find out what happened after that right there.
Proty from Legion of Superheroes
Creepy Because: He's a sentient spunk blob.
Proty is a small alien being that looks like something between a pile of dried-up bird crap and some form of gelatin made of semen. He was rescued by Chameleon Boy from a space zoo and quickly adopted as a pet. He carried him around everywhere on his shoulder like a parrot, except that parrots don't make you look like you have just been the star of a Japanese porn flick.
By his looks alone Proty, would normally deserve a spot in any list of creepy things, but like the rest of the characters in this list he had to make that extra effort and tapped some ass he shouldn't have tapped.
Again, like most of the guys in this list, Proty fell for blond jailbait, in his case the Legionnaire Saturn Girl (yes, all of the Legion of Superheroes had retarded names). Sadly for Proty, Saturn Girl was out of his league because of her higher status, and by that we mean that she had the status of "human being" and Proty was a talking lump of mashed potatoes.
But, one day fellow Legion member, Lighting Lad (yesh), got himself killed while saving the universe. Through an extremely convoluted set of circumstances we cannot begin to recount here, Proty resurrected Lightning Lad by transferring his own soul into his body.
The thing is, Proty never told anybody. He just walked around pretending to be Lightning Lad. And why not? He can now eat at the table and date Saturn Girl instead of just squishily humping her leg while she slept on the couch.
Years later they even married, had three kids, and lived happily ever after. Well, not really, because she didn't really marry the man she loved and never found out she had given birth to the children of a pile of sentient bird shit who used to live in a zoo.
Terry Long from Teen Titans
Creepy Because: Look at him.
Terry Long from Teen Titans is a cross between a member of the Bee Gees and a Dutch porn star. He is the fist of the '70s hitting you in the face forever. Why is this jackass in the comic? Easy, he became the steady boyfriend and later husband of Wonder Girl.
Wonder Girl, if you didn't know, grew up on an island full of Amazonian women where no man could visit. These are the only circumstances we can think of where a girl (and remember these are the "teen" Titans) could think this divorced ex-college professor was the man of her dreams. Most people who dream about Terry Long end up rocking in a fetal position on the floor of their bedrooms, holding a knife and downing pots of coffee in a quest to never sleep again.
Who is the greatest hero in the DC universe? Superman, you say? No, it's the anonymous blond man in the above picture who blocks the terrifying view of Terry Long's polka dotted banana hammock.
Terry Long stained every page of Teen Titans when he appeared with his downright palpable, reptilian sleaziness. When Terry wasn't trying to blend in with the Teen Titans like a creepy uninvited uncle, he was openly hitting on Wonder Girl's female teammates.
Several issues later, after Terry managed to brainwash Wonder Girl into marriage, our suspicions were proven true. A team of Teen Titans from the future went back in time to kill the son of Terry and Wonder Girl. Why? Because he was going to grow up into pure evil, that's why! If the superpowered Hitler from the future had to come from somewhere, Terry Long's haunted testicles were one of the more likely places.
Finally in 1997 Terry Long died in a car crash, leaving the universe a substantially less sleazy place.
If you enjoyed that, you might like our rundown of The 5 Most Unintentionally Hilarious Comic Strips. Or check out the T Shirt designs you'll be wearing tomorrow and submit your own in the Photoshop contest in the forum. And be sure to get the Cracked Hit List delivered in your electronic mailbox every Thursday.