Luis Prada
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There are some products that you need to buy for a pet: Food, bowls, collars, toys, maybe even a litter box. These are essential items you'll need to fight the never ending battle for your pet's attention and affection.
But, then there are the items that go beyond necessity. The ones that make humanities' development into the cast of Idiocracy seem all but inevitable. These are those products ...
Not only does the Dogone Doggy Thong accentuate your canine's ample buttockal curvatures, but it actually has a practical usage (not that the first one isn't practical, dogs like to get attention at the beach, too). The thong is made of a charcoal cloth that is designed to neutralize any of your dog's anally-emitted odors. In other words, it's a magical diaper that captures dog farts and transforms them into non-hazardous air again.
One thing that is not for certain is whether or not it comes packaged with a doggy tramp-stamp butterfly tattoo and a propensity for making out with drunken frat boys.
"Now people can understand their dogs better than ever before with a gadget that translates doggy talk into human words," claims the product description of the Bow Lingual.
It goes on to claim that it " ... has dogs saying things like 'I'm feeling great!,' 'It's so annoying!,' and 'Come on, play with me!'" Some other doggy quotes that they carelessly neglected to leave out were, "I know what you've been doing with the peanut butter you scoundrel!" and "I'll pray a thousand prayers for thy death."
As you can see, The Turd Burglar is a small scoop that, when placed over a hockey stick, allows you to fling piles of dog shit at anyone or anything.
At the Turd Burglar website there is a frighteningly detailed step-by-step guide on the usage of the device. Here's our favorite step:
"8) A more open stance and higher finish will result in a throw of greater distance, but less control. Remember; high sticking can equate to high stinking from falling debris."
We aren't completely sure who invented this device, but we're pretty sure that somewhere in the world--probably Canada--there resides a former pee-wee hockey player who was forced to quit the game due to what can only be described as earth-shattering retardation. He is now an inventor.
Either that, or this is somehow only the first in a long line of primate-engineered tactical assault weapons to be used in the great ape uprising of 2029.
This soap-firing gun is a little more advanced than the classic dip stick model you enjoyed in your youth. Mostly because it fires peanut butter, chicken and bacon-scented bubbles that can entertain a simple-minded pet or a very hungry fat kid.
We're guessing that both of them will figure out very quickly that the bacon-scented air biscuit floating toward them is filled with tasteless air rather than bacon. Even the dumbest of pets are know when they're having their intelligence insulted. Case in point, this excerpt from an Amazon.com review for the Bubble Buddy:
"My dogs looked at me like I was stupid when I tried to play with them with this."
Through the dark magic of puns, such modern day connivances as credit cards, iPods and hand bags have been transformed into pet squeak toys. Your dog can not be blamed for the creation of such an aggressively pompous line of cutesy-wootsey play things, as they obviously resemble nothing an actual dog would ever play with.
No, only the arrogant upper echelon of the pet owning world could devise a toy line that forces us--against our will--to call an otherwise lovable creature a fucking douche bag. Above we have--and don't look too close for you may get a shot of douche juice to the eye--the "iBone", "iPaw", the "Pawda hand bag" and finally the "Arfmerican Barxpress Card."
Has your Pomeranian ever black-bagged a neighborhood cat and held it for ransom in the name of "The Cause?" If so, then they're about ready for their own propaganda-inspired poster that will act as a constant reminder of the fact that while he may lick his balls, he also has a firm, callous grasp on yours.
Who are these for? It could be kitschy, goofy fun, but then ...
Yep, that's Saddam Hussein. What the hell?
Obeythepurebreed.com, the official website for these fear-mongering pieces of merchandise, walks the fine line between cute humor and the delusional ramblings of a severely touched mind. Here's a sample from the Australian Cattle Dog page:
"The Australian Cattle Dog is a Dictator, bent on world domination. They already rule houses everywhere with an iron paw ..."
Adorable! We see what you did there. Looks like there's more:
"... and have influenced global politics for years."
Wait, what does that even mean?
"When the Australian Cattle Dogs take over, will you be spared as one of the lucky ones?"
You know what, go ahead and kill us first.
This aerosol can of some kind of cold spray was created for those moments in life when your pet lets you know just what he thinks of your new carpet by fire hosing liquid feces all over it. The website description states: "Spray ... Wait 10 seconds ... and a white crusty film solidifies the waste."
Now, it may just be the wording that makes it sound disgusting but having a "White crusty film" materialize over a freshly evacuated mound of shit doesn't immediately pop out at us as anything better then the initial mound of shit.
But, as the testimonials page assures us, " ... it's makes this chore fun (but don't tell my mom that)."
Sure, Kaitlyn A., from Harpers Ferry, WV, we won't tell your mom that you enjoy collecting freeze-dried shit pancakes. We'll let her find out five years from now, after stumbles across your poop fetish website.
Let's face it. Cats are assholes. They do less work per day then your average Cracked writer* yet are twice as stressed out about the lack of work they do. They're little Roman emperors that demand your bidding at a moment's notice, and as their servant you'll comply by buying this vibrating massage mitt. You're going to rub them until they decide you're no longer worthy of their attention, and you're going to like it.
*A nap was taken immediately after that sentence was typed.
In the politically-charged times we live in, we must express our poorly thought-out, knee-jerk opinions through any medium we can. YouTube, blogs, message boards, bumper stickers, t-shirts and chew toys.
Hold on. Chew toys? Are you fucking kidding?
No, they are not. Politicalpettoys.com has made it their sole mission to allow us to vent our frustrations though the patriotic Nerf-iness of the doggie chew toy.
Think Bush sucks? Let Rover have at him. Despise Bin Ladin? Train Spot to urinate on his face. Hate Ahmadinejad for his anti-homosexual comments? Laugh as Buster fucks his eyes out. The possibilities of seeking revenge upon your sworn enemies are endless as you vicariously dispatch the ills of the world though a creature whose concept of evil is limited to people not currently holding food.
If you're filthy rich you may already be accustomed to the spirit-lifting practice of declaring, "Fuck the poor!"
But what about your pet? Seeing as they can't speak, it's your responsibility to show the world just what your pet thinks about the underprivileged by forcing them to wear a $3,000 crystal-studded dress.
If a dog wearing this dress were given a Bow Lingual we would be audience to some of the truest words ever spoken, "You know I say 'Hello' by sniffing buttholes, right?"
Gregg Miller is a man with a vision. Sadly, his vision is focused on your pet's testicles or, rather, the lack thereof.
A self professed "neurotic pet owner," Gregg is credited with the creation of the animal kingdom's answer to 44 DD's. Yes, the man invented testicular implants for neutered pets, the sick bastard.
After some research we discovered that humans can get Neuticle implants as well. Strictly for comedic purposes, we decided to find out just what kind of testicles we ... uh ... someone can have slapped in our ... uh ... their scrotum. We think the 2.75-inch Neuticles UltraPlus (with realistic firmness!) will look wonderful in our ... your ...
Ah, fuck it. We're not ashamed to admit that huge balls and no baby-making juice sounds like a win-win to us.
When was it said that still-living creatures could be used as fashion accessories? If this is what's cool on Hollywood Boulevard, then we might be inclined to put out some Cracked-branded muskrat fannypacks and Narwhal totes.
Actually, it may be funny enough to just make this product in Great Dane size.
Beer for dogs.
Wait, let's say that again ... beer ... for ... dogs. Yup, still stupid.
Happy Tail Ale seems to be for pet owners that have taken alcoholism to such an extreme that the only drinking buddy they can find just so happens to be of the non-human variety. But maybe we're wrong. Maybe it's for the man that is so manly that he needs beef-flavored beer to accompany his beef-flavored beef. Now, if only there was some way to incorporate boobs ...
Yes, this festively-colored muzzle will completely distract onlookers from the fact that this device is the only thing between them and having their throat ripped out.
It has the bonus effect of building up in your dog a silent, boiling rage at being made to look like a douchebag in front of other dogs. See that look in his eyes up there? That means, "You've got to take this thing off sometime, asshole. And you better hope you're wearing a bite-proof cup when you do."
Hey, remember earlier when we joked about how the doggie thong wearers would be wanting tattoos next? It didn't take as long as we thought. We hereby present Petattoos.
We spent countless hours in the Cracked laboratories working closely with Petattoos and noted their effects. We have concluded that Petattoos are perhaps the quickest and most effective way to attract a random spin kick to the face from a stranger. There is also a 92 percent chance that the kick will be followed by a severe case of dog punting.
If you enjoy reading about things stupid people buy, but wish the products were deadlier, check out our rundown of The 13 Most Irresponsible Self-Defense Gadgets Money Can Buy. Then, find out about the surprisingly limited range of a fat man who eats potato chips with his belly button. And be sure not to miss some killer sex advice from Uncle Terry.
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