Dog Thong to iPaw: 15 Pet Products We Can't Believe Exist

15

The Dogone Doggy Thong

Not only does the Dogone Doggy Thong accentuate your canine's ample buttockal curvatures, but it actually has a practical usage (not that the first one isn't practical, dogs like to get attention at the beach, too). The thong is made of a charcoal cloth that is designed to neutralize any of your dog's anally-emitted odors. In other words, it's a magical diaper that captures dog farts and transforms them into non-hazardous air again.

One thing that is not for certain is whether or not it comes packaged with a doggy tramp-stamp butterfly tattoo and a propensity for making out with drunken frat boys.

14

The Bow Lingual

"Now people can understand their dogs better than ever before with a gadget that translates doggy talk into human words," claims the product description of the Bow Lingual.

It goes on to claim that it " ... has dogs saying things like 'I'm feeling great!,' 'It's so annoying!,' and 'Come on, play with me!'" Some other doggy quotes that they carelessly neglected to leave out were, "I know what you've been doing with the peanut butter you scoundrel!" and "I'll pray a thousand prayers for thy death."

13

The Turd Burglar

As you can see, The Turd Burglar is a small scoop that, when placed over a hockey stick, allows you to fling piles of dog shit at anyone or anything.

At the Turd Burglar website there is a frighteningly detailed step-by-step guide on the usage of the device. Here's our favorite step:

"8) A more open stance and higher finish will result in a throw of greater distance, but less control. Remember; high sticking can equate to high stinking from falling debris."

We aren't completely sure who invented this device, but we're pretty sure that somewhere in the world--probably Canada--there resides a former pee-wee hockey player who was forced to quit the game due to what can only be described as earth-shattering retardation. He is now an inventor.

Either that, or this is somehow only the first in a long line of primate-engineered tactical assault weapons to be used in the great ape uprising of 2029.

12

Bubble Buddy

11

Luxury Themed Squeak Toys

Through the dark magic of puns, such modern day connivances as credit cards, iPods and hand bags have been transformed into pet squeak toys. Your dog can not be blamed for the creation of such an aggressively pompous line of cutesy-wootsey play things, as they obviously resemble nothing an actual dog would ever play with.

No, only the arrogant upper echelon of the pet owning world could devise a toy line that forces us--against our will--to call an otherwise lovable creature a fucking douche bag. Above we have--and don't look too close for you may get a shot of douche juice to the eye--the "iBone", "iPaw", the "Pawda hand bag" and finally the "Arfmerican Barxpress Card."

10

Obey the Pure Breed Posters

9

Dog Poop Freeze

This aerosol can of some kind of cold spray was created for those moments in life when your pet lets you know just what he thinks of your new carpet by fire hosing liquid feces all over it. The website description states: "Spray ... Wait 10 seconds ... and a white crusty film solidifies the waste."

Now, it may just be the wording that makes it sound disgusting but having a "White crusty film" materialize over a freshly evacuated mound of shit doesn't immediately pop out at us as anything better then the initial mound of shit.

8

Kitty Sajer

Let's face it. Cats are assholes. They do less work per day then your average Cracked writer* yet are twice as stressed out about the lack of work they do. They're little Roman emperors that demand your bidding at a moment's notice, and as their servant you'll comply by buying this vibrating massage mitt. You're going to rub them until they decide you're no longer worthy of their attention, and you're going to like it.

*A nap was taken immediately after that sentence was typed.

7

Political Pet Toys

In the politically-charged times we live in, we must express our poorly thought-out, knee-jerk opinions through any medium we can. YouTube, blogs, message boards, bumper stickers, t-shirts and chew toys.

6

Swarovski Dog Dresses

If you're filthy rich you may already be accustomed to the spirit-lifting practice of declaring, "Fuck the poor!"

But what about your pet? Seeing as they can't speak, it's your responsibility to show the world just what your pet thinks about the underprivileged by forcing them to wear a $3,000 crystal-studded dress.

If a dog wearing this dress were given a Bow Lingual we would be audience to some of the truest words ever spoken, "You know I say 'Hello' by sniffing buttholes, right?"

5

Neuticles

4

Puppoose

When was it said that still-living creatures could be used as fashion accessories? If this is what's cool on Hollywood Boulevard, then we might be inclined to put out some Cracked-branded muskrat fannypacks and Narwhal totes.

Actually, it may be funny enough to just make this product in Great Dane size.

3

Happy Tail Ale

2

Happy Muzzle

Yes, this festively-colored muzzle will completely distract onlookers from the fact that this device is the only thing between them and having their throat ripped out.

It has the bonus effect of building up in your dog a silent, boiling rage at being made to look like a douchebag in front of other dogs. See that look in his eyes up there? That means, "You've got to take this thing off sometime, asshole. And you better hope you're wearing a bite-proof cup when you do."

1

Petattoos

Hey, remember earlier when we joked about how the doggie thong wearers would be wanting tattoos next? It didn't take as long as we thought. We hereby present Petattoos.

We spent countless hours in the Cracked laboratories working closely with Petattoos and noted their effects. We have concluded that Petattoos are perhaps the quickest and most effective way to attract a random spin kick to the face from a stranger. There is also a 92 percent chance that the kick will be followed by a severe case of dog punting.

If you enjoy reading about things stupid people buy, but wish the products were deadlier, check out our rundown of The 13 Most Irresponsible Self-Defense Gadgets Money Can Buy. Then, find out about the surprisingly limited range of a fat man who eats potato chips with his belly button. And be sure not to miss some killer sex advice from Uncle Terry.