There are some products that you need to buy for a pet: Food, bowls, collars, toys, maybe even a litter box. These are essential items you'll need to fight the never ending battle for your pet's attention and affection.
But, then there are the items that go beyond necessity. The ones that make humanities' development into the cast of Idiocracy seem all but inevitable. These are those products ...
Not only does the Dogone Doggy Thong accentuate your canine's ample buttockal curvatures, but it actually has a practical usage (not that the first one isn't practical, dogs like to get attention at the beach, too). The thong is made of a charcoal cloth that is designed to neutralize any of your dog's anally-emitted odors. In other words, it's a magical diaper that captures dog farts and transforms them into non-hazardous air again.
One thing that is not for certain is whether or not it comes packaged with a doggy tramp-stamp butterfly tattoo and a propensity for making out with drunken frat boys.
"Now people can understand their dogs better than ever before with a gadget that translates doggy talk into human words," claims the product description of the Bow Lingual.
It goes on to claim that it " ... has dogs saying things like 'I'm feeling great!,' 'It's so annoying!,' and 'Come on, play with me!'" Some other doggy quotes that they carelessly neglected to leave out were, "I know what you've been doing with the peanut butter you scoundrel!" and "I'll pray a thousand prayers for thy death."
As you can see, The Turd Burglar is a small scoop that, when placed over a hockey stick, allows you to fling piles of dog shit at anyone or anything.
At the Turd Burglar website there is a frighteningly detailed step-by-step guide on the usage of the device. Here's our favorite step:
"8) A more open stance and higher finish will result in a throw of greater distance, but less control. Remember; high sticking can equate to high stinking from falling debris."
We aren't completely sure who invented this device, but we're pretty sure that somewhere in the world--probably Canada--there resides a former pee-wee hockey player who was forced to quit the game due to what can only be described as earth-shattering retardation. He is now an inventor.
Either that, or this is somehow only the first in a long line of primate-engineered tactical assault weapons to be used in the great ape uprising of 2029.