5 Hot Lady-Bots You Probably Shouldn't Have Sex With
A trained psychologist could probably say a lot about our society's fascination with hot female robots. In fact, the inability to produce a lifelike female sexbot was named as the single biggest scientific failure of the modern era in one survey of Cracked.com staff.
A closer look at lady-bots as portrayed in film may give us reason to reconsider ...
Terminatrix: Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines
While Skynet began its campaign to send robots to exterminate the human race with Arnold Schwarzenegger, each robotic assassin since has looked more and more effeminate since. This is probably because even a Speak-and-Spell knows that humans will forgive a lot when it comes from a smoking hot blond wearing a red leather outfit that looks like she was poured into it. Or failing that, vaguely handsome character actor Robert Patrick.
Ever since the second film, evil Terminators have come with morph-like shape-shifting abilities. In T2 they just make weapons out of their forearms, but that doesn't mean they're all work and no play: at one point in T3 the Terminatrix increases the size of her breasts to distract a policeman who pulled her over. If, at the thought of having a girlfriend who can enhance any part of her body at will makes you say, "Hey, that could get us out of countless traffic tickets!" then you're probably not using your imagination enough.
There is the thing with her ultimate goal being the death of all humanity, and she seems to really enjoy her work: in order to "analyze" her victim's DNA, she has to lick their blood. (More machines like this would make watching CSI infinitely more enjoyable.) We're not saying you shouldn't have sex with a Terminator, we're just saying that you really need to establish a "safe word" first. Also ...
... we're pretty sure they didn't have a reason to include genitalia in the design.
Note: While we are aware of a similarly hot Terminator in Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles, we expect, and hope, that the show will be canceled very, very soon, and so we'll not be including her in this list. Except to say that Summer Glau, who plays her, is very attractive, and should feel free to call us at any time.
Lisa: Weird Science
What do you get when you put together the internet and lightning? These days, we all know that what you get is a call to tech support and a conversation with a guy who has a very heavy Indian accent yet goes by the name of "Mike."
But back in 1985 the internet was still relatively young, so the following scenario seemed plausible: When lightning interrupts two teenagers hacking into a government mainframe to run a sexual simulation based on uploaded images of swimsuit models, the result is a gorgeous naked woman (played by Kelly "Holy Fuck She's Hot" LeBrock) appearing in their bathroom. Sure, why not. Remember, back then government mainframes were also running tic-tac-toe simulations in order to determine that global thermonuclear war wasn't a good idea? (That's a War Games reference, for those of you who were outside playing during the '80s.) OK, so the movie's premise has all the science of the Salem Witch Trials.
You mean, besides appearing out of thin air in a bathroom? Lisa's powers are practically limitless. She can erase memories, produce guns out of thin air and at one point, she turns Bill Paxton into some kind of sludge-monster.
So despite the word "science" in the film's title, Lisa is less Frankenstein's monster and more fairy godmother.
No matter how magically delicious Lisa may look, in the mid-'80s those "government mainframes" that formed her intelligence were probably a room full of Colecos with less computing power than a modern-day toaster. You'd have to phrase all your sexual requests in DOS syntax, and even when you try and get her to run "C:\SexPositions\Reversecowgirl.exe", there's probably going to be an unrecognized command in there and she'll freeze up. Or worse.
And as we'll learn sometime around 2050, nothing ruins the mood like when you have to give your lover a hard reboot.
Pris: Blade Runner
Pris is a Nexus-6 model replicant--a state of the art, biologically-engineered humanoid. It's actually debatable whether a replicant should be considered cybernetic (if you're a gigantic nerd, which we are) but normal humans don't have a make and model number, so Pris counts. But Pris isn't just a replicant, she's a "pleasure model" replicant, in the pleasurable form of a Splash-era Darryl Hannah. And while Blade Runner was supposed to take place in a dystopian future, any era when one could potentially have sex with endless '80s Darryl Hannahs can't be ALL bad.
Allow us to reiterate: she was made for pleasure. Here the future addresses a common male problem, in that they all know the mixed feeling of sleeping with someone who does things a little too well. Sure, it feels good, but deep down you know that Michael Jordan didn't get where he is on natural ability alone. It took practice. Years of practice. So when you meet a girl who gives oral sex the same way His Airness ran the triangle offense, there's a good chance that she also has just as many highlight videos on the internet.
But when you buy yourself a brand new Pris, she's got those skills from the moment she steps off the showroom floor. You get all the benefits and none of the syphilis.
All Nexus-6 replicants have a pre-set lifespan of four years. You're probably saying to yourself, "That's not a downside! Every four years you get to upgrade!" Yeah, sounds great until you actually have to fork over the cash.
Also, the reason Nexus-6 replicants have a four-year lifespan is that over time they develop emotions, and eventually go crazy. So once she figures out that she was basically born with a terminal illness that no amount of boning can cure, there's a good chance she'll be a whole lot less fun. Good luck selling her on Craigslist.
The Stepford Wives: The Stepford Wives
Take every result of the Women's Liberation Movement and press 'undo'--that was the idea when the men in Stepford decided to engineer gynoid replacements for their wives. (It sounds like a part of your body you only hear about when it gets cancer, but 'gynoid' is actually the term for a female android. Thanks, Wikipedia!) These new gynoids have all the features their husbands liked so much in the originals--like orifices--without any of the buggy programming that comes with free will.
All it took to upgrade to Wife 2.0 was a firmware installation in your old analog "beta-test" wife. That's nothing compared to what a new Powerbook will cost you, and even Apple's designers have a long way to go before they produce anything as appealing to the eye as real-life Stepford Faith Hill.
When you're married to a Stepford Wife, a hot meal will be waiting for you when you arrive home and you can have whatever kind of sex you want with her, whenever you want it. That's plenty special for us, but just in case you're picky, one Stepford Wife even has an ATM machine installed in her mouth. Feel free to make your own deposit and withdrawal jokes, we just wonder what kind of fees our bank would charge that kind of transaction! High-five!
We had to think long and hard about this one, because it seems like a pretty sweet deal, as long as you don't have some bizarre objection to blonds. We gave it some time though, and it occurred to us that women, much like prisoners and political refugees, yearn for freedom and the right to live as they choose. That desire led to the original Women's Lib movement, and if women in the '60s were able to ignore decades of social programming, you better believe the Stepford Wives will eventually rebel against a few lines of C code.
One day you're coming home to a hot meal, and the next day your wife feels that her armpit hair is a miracle of nature and the Black Panthers are meeting in your living room. We're also not sure we'd ever get over our fear that we'd get drunk and end up sticking our dick into a cash machine. Again.
Gigolo Jane: A.I.: Artificial Intelligence
Any article on hot robo-chicks is bound to have a few prostitute-i-trons in there, and when it comes to hot bots, Ashley Scott as Gigolo Jane really takes the cake. She almost makes watching A.I. tolerable, except she only has about 30 seconds of screen time (not nearly enough for us to take our pants off), and then Haley Joel Osment makes a face like a sad puppy dog for 120 minutes and we begin drinking gallons of water whilst Google Mapping directions to Stanley Kubrick's grave.
All we really know about her is that she is friends with Jude Law's character, Gigolo Joe, an android who humps lonely housewives for a living. And that she's really really attractive.
The true travesty is that a movie called
Gigolo Jane: Fuckbot probably would not have gotten such an all-star cast. Besides that, once again we find that readily-available, super-hot sex slaves are the silver lining on the cloud that is a bleak, dystopian future, blah blah blah.
We get it: the streets seem dirty, everyone looks miserable and there never seems to be any sunshine. The same could be said about Reno, and Reno's sex slaves sure don't look like Ashley Scott.
And so for the 37th time on this site, but probably for the best reason yet, we would like to welcome the coming apocalypse.
Read one of the other 36 times we've begged for the end times in 5 Kick-Ass Sci-Fi Apocalypses (That Could Actually Happen). Or, enjoy S Peter Davis's tour through the The History of the Sitcom. If all this talk of the end of the world has you down, you could probably use the inspirational thoughts contained in this video. Or, if for some odd reason you prefer to read, then go check out how Dan O'Brien and the blog readers made life hell for one editor at biographicon.com.