5

Super Swim Pro

Also Known As:

A rope.

The Pitch:

These days it's common knowledge that swimming is a safe, low-impact way to achieve all your fitness goals. According to the ad, fully harnessing that power involves tethering yourself to a poolside pole and then flailing meekly against the resistance it provides. As with any exercise program, an important part of staying motivated is feeling like you aren't making any progress at all. If that were true, the Super Swim Pro would be a great piece of equipment.

4

Urban Rebounder

Also Known As:

A small trampoline.

The Pitch:

The clip opens with a lady who has an understanding of the word "amazing" that differs greatly from ours. If we were pressed for a one-word description of her stomach, we would probably settle on cottage-cheesy. What she lacks in tone, however, she makes up for in enthusiasm, bouncing 'that thang' up and down on the Urban Rebounder. With this device, you too can achieve porn-star-like endurance, which can be gained via the boundless potential of repeated bounding.

Research and Development:

Trampolines are good fun, and can even help somebody get in shape. Apparently, the word wasn't nearly sexy or edgy enough to be marketable. Now, substitute in the term 'rebounder' and throw in the word 'urban' for some extra edge, and you might have something.

3

Side & Glide/Gliding Discs/Fitness Disks

Also Known As:

Frisbees and/or Tupperware lids.

The Pitch:

Maintaining a high level of intensity is always an issue when working out. The Slide & Glide, a pair of plastic discs, gets around that problem by injuring its users should they make the mistake of letting their attention wander for a moment. There is nothing like the very real chance of getting your teeth knocked out to keep you on your toes, and the 'gliding disks' these guys are selling certainly provide that.

These things are so effective, the associated official infomercial (screen captures are shown on the company's website) was deemed superfluous and purged from the internets, forcing us to show you a video featuring an expert Fitness Disk user. For an expert who has produced several such videos, she seems awfully tentative with those things. In terms of entertainment value, the gratuitous cleavage in the video almost made up for her obvious fear of an accidental de-toothening.

2

FIRM Fanny Lifter

Also Known As:

A plastic step stool.

The Pitch:

The Fanny Lifter is brought to you by the FIRM, which is either a company that sells fitness products or an evil cadre of murderous lawyers, we aren't too sure. At one point (about 12 seconds), the ad suggests that the FIRM is actually an all-star team of rather soft-looking masters of exercise, or MEILFs for short. If it is used properly, the MIELFs claim that the Fanny Lifter will do just what it says.

Research and Development:

The idea of using steps for exercise is by now cliche (e.g. the 'stepper' fad in the '80s). For their part, the FIRM brings innovative flimsy-looking plastic-stool technology to the table, we believe in an attempt to sell housewives on the idea that the Fanny Lifter will seduce their husbands into finally giving it to them in the can.

That high-quality, fully adjustable and stable stepping equipment is readily available will not deter the FIRM. What is more, the FIRM laughs derisively at the suggestion that stools similar to the Fanny Lifter can be purchased at Wal-Mart for under $10, and that milk crates can be had for free.

1

FIRM Sculpting Stick

Also Known As:

Some pipe.

The Pitch:

As we have seen, the FIRM can be counted on to make you a firm believer by firming up your ass while keeping your resolve firm. Besides supplying an endless stream of puns, the FIRM is "making history" and "changing minds" by allowing the general public to consume its best-guarded technological secret: the Sculpting Stick. Based on the label alone, your interest may have been piqued. "What is thing? A stick for making sculptures? That's pretty cool." It is not. It is just a stick. Sure, you can twist out both ends for some reason, but at the end of the day, this thing isn't fooling anyone.

Research and Development:

This is another instance of negative imagination. The basic idea is sound as people have been working out with barbells for a long time. However, if you take a barbell and eliminate the whole adding/removing a wide range of weights thing, all that you are left with is a marginally heavy stick. You can call it whatever you want, but rest assured that a prehistoric Mesopotamian tribesman has already invented it.

The women in the ad are shown using the thing for balance more than anything else, just like the walking sticks of old. The only problem is that leaning heavily on a stick while you are trying to exercise your legs is counterproductive. Of course, cavemen weren't concerned with targeting specific muscle groups or developing core strength, so we can forgive them for not anticipating the needs of those who would eventually rule the earth: matronly depressives. The FIRM, though, should have known better.