The 5 Most Ill-Conceived Action Figures

5

Rambo

When a toy manufacturer markets an action figure based off a crazed killing machine, we have to assume they aimed it at children who were told bedtime stories that started off with "So, there I was... knee-deep in Charlie guts... "

Or maybe, as brutally violent as the films are, John Rambo still appeals to the 8-year-old in all of us. He rebels against a world that, as Will Smith said best, parents just don't understand. We all felt like Rambo at one time or another, just wanting to go over to our friend's house to play, causing us to throw a murderous temper tantrum so monumentally destructive no amount of time-out can clean the blood from our hands, unless it involves a 4-by-4 concrete cell and a bucket in which to defecate. Figuratively.

This honor actually goes to two horrendously designed figures. First, there's the Rambo figure (appropriately named "Rambo") which is strapped with oodles of killing mechanisms, none which can disguise the fact that he looks like a greased-up cage dancer that just wants to bump and grind his shell-shock away.

Then there is the "RAMBO ONE-MAN ASSULT JET" which is more Rambo then jet.

There is something inherently wrong when you see a man piloting a jet that has replaced a conventional cockpit glass dome with a plastic welding visor, and the typical flight suit with a more breathable shirtless look. When you see a man flying at you in a vehicle that offers about as much protection as a Harley-Davidson, you know the bare-chested psycho steering the thing doesn't care about his own life but, rather, the amount of people-chunks that will inevitably obstruct his view of the slaughter.

Also, the jet, like most of these Rambo toys, is loaded to the sweaty mullet with unnecessary missiles, grenade launchers and guns, all of which goes against the underdog spirit of the whole franchise. All Rambo really needs is an ejector seat and a survival knife with which to rain steel justice upon those of the evil persuasion. In the first movie, the only weapon he's given at the outset of the movie is the fucking forest. This is why a Rambo toy line is so ill-conceived. To make money, every action figure needs tie-in toys, bad ass, death-weilding versions of the Barbie Dream House. But the only Rambo toy you should really need is John Rambo. To put it another way, it's tough to justify tie-in toys when your protagonist only needs his bare hands to punch someone's head off.

4

Food Fighters

What probably started as a slightly clever play on words that should have never made it as far as a toy designers' self-congratulatory smile exploded into a full-on line aimed at the portly, but purchased by all. They must have figured that America's rotund youth would happily go on magical adventures with anthropomorphic hot dogs and donuts while their more athletic peers played outside.

3

Stretch Armstrong

2

The Incredible Crash Dummies

We've all experienced it: the arm or leg of your favorite toy broke-off like the cheap Taiwanese piece of playtime shit it was and, just before you got a chance to steal your dad's lighter and attempt to weld that sucker back on, you lose the dismembered appendage. You're then forced to create storylines in which you attempt to rationalize the toys' disfigurement.

Who knew that one day there would be a toy line predicated solely on this idea? Tyco, that's who.

"The Incredible Crash Dummies" was a source of much frustration for kids as its primary function was to break. Evidently, a Tyco big-wig thought, "You know what? All these little fuckers are just gonna keep breaking everything we put out and blame us for shoddy manufacturing anyway, so why don't we flip the so-called script and make a toy that embraces our incompetence and uses it as its selling point!"

Left: Good guys. Right: Bad guys. Whole picture: Shitty toys.

This rousing board meeting speech was probably met with applause, tears of joy and human limbs exploding outward, violently.

No matter how dumb the initial premise of the toys were, kids still paid an arm and a leg (GET IT?) for these things. There was a time when you couldn't step foot on a playground sandbox without getting the sense that you just wandered into the world's most fun recreation of Omaha Beach. Once there, you could sit for hours just watching the children enjoying their little plastic torsos; every once in a while overhearing the sweet voice of a child say, "Where the fuck are my legs at?!"

1

He-Man

A lot has been made about the homosexual themes in the He-Man universe. And, many a young male began examine their He-Man action figure, feeling oddly uncomfortable at the sight of his flowing Prince Valiant hair-do, his oiled, ridiculously muscled torso and tiny furred Speedo. And, a look on his face that conveyed the act of physical love, captured in mid-grunt.

If He-Man represented a more subtle form of molestation, Skeletor was the polar opposite. His studded black leather costume was reminiscent of a demonic leather daddy, who could have easily graced the covers of many a death-metal album and certain magazines they always sold behind the counter at the convenience store. Way behind.

Some of you are turning up your noses at the idea of homosexual overtones--we assure you, we do not take the topic lightly.

Let us simply list for you some names of actual He-Man characters:

Ram-Man

Tung Lashor

Mantenna

Stinkor

Snout Spout

Extendar

Still not convinced?

Sure?

We thus present you with: FISTO.

Case closed.

Can't get enough shitty toys? You may have missed our Christmas Eve rundown of the 5 Least Surprising Toy Recalls. Or, if you're tired of us picking on things you loved when you were young and still innocent, check out yesterday's Nooner, where Ross Wolinsky makes fun of a nice Jewish family that you've probably never met before, and gets disowned in the process.