Giant alien brains from Gradius series

The Gradius series is truly old school. The original was released back in the NES days and had sequels and spinoffs aplenty, all the way up to Gradius V in 2004. The games are all 2D side-scrolling shoot-em-ups (or "shmups" as you should definitely not call them in front of girls), which will have you dodging slow-moving enemy bullets and collecting power-ups to enhance your own weapons as you navigate your spaceship through some pretty strange s**t.

Above: Pretty strange s**t.

What you'd expect ...
Let's say you're playing Gradius V, and you're enjoying it despite the fact that the damn thing is trying as hard as it can to make you fail. Seriously, if the game's packaging included a little trap that tore your hands off the first time you opened the box, it couldn't make it more obvious that it hates you. Let's say that, hands intact, you've made it to the final level. Given the bosses you've faced down so far, you'd expect something pretty f*****g hardcore like some screen-filling badass whose very glare will terrify you into surrender. It's a balls-to-the-wall, glistening, squishy boomstravaganza, with maybe a pixel's width of the screen at a time not occupied by the bullet storm your foe will let loose at you from his unimaginable maw.

The Dark Prince from Prince of Persia: The Two Thrones

The final installment in the Sands Of Time trilogy sees the eponymous Prince fighting, time traveling and acrobating his way through the plot of the first game, again. But this time, it's with an evil alter-ego sharing his body.

The two have arguments, and the Prince has to suppress his dark side with water to keep from being taken over completely. There's gonna be a fight sooner or later, once the Prince completes his noble quest to free his people against enormous odds and bring peace once more.

Ganondorf from Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess

The peaceful land of Hyrule is being invaded by peace-hating goth dudes from a parallel universe. Only Link, a horse-breeding yokel, has a sword big and sharp enough to stop them.

What you'd expect ...
The leader of the goth dudes claims he gets his power from his "god." It turns out that this god is actually series regular Ganondorf.

Krieger from Far Cry Instincts

This Xbox spinoff from the PC game sees Jack Carver (a more fitting name, we feel, would be Jack Ripopenfucktodeathshooter) killing an island full of Bad Guys(tm) using his genetically-implanted beastman powers.

Oh yeah, and his huge guns.

What you'd expect ...
Toward the end of the game, you're taking on fellow beastmen, and it's getting harder and harder, until you eventually fight a man named Crowe, second in command to the evil Krieger.

After you dispatch him, Krieger surrounds himself with beastmen to stop you getting to him. A fight with four beastmen, simultaneously, in a little room, with your health and ammo drained by the face-off with Crowe? You're scared. You don't want to do this. You want to see an alternate ending where Jack Ripopenfucktodeathshooter runs away to his mommy, who dresses him in a little flowery frock, because it's too hard to be a boy. You're reaching over to turn the Xbox off, shaking your head in horror, as Krieger says, "He killed Crowe! He took away your leader! You owe him vengeance!"

What actually happens ...
Krieger's beastmen decide that, since Jack Ripopenfucktodeathshooter killed their leader, he is now the new leader. And, who's been trying to kill their new leader?

Yes, Krieger is one of the legions of evil scientists who end up destroyed by their own creation. If only the poor guy had taken a few minutes to talk to his beastmen, find out how they felt, he might not have suffered such an ignoble fate. Instead, he'd have been shot in the face by Jack Ripopenfucktodeathshooter, which would at least have been over a lot quicker.

Bowser from Super Mario Sunshine

Mario's nemesis, Bowser, has a new, creepy plan to seduce Princess Peach. He creepily convinces his son that Peach is his mother. When given this news, Peach is surprised but doesn't deny it, which is even creepier. Baby Bowser then kidnaps Peach, and the three of them head off for a creepy family reunion in a toxic hot tub in space. Mario has to stop them by cleaning up the brown waste Bowser and son have left in their wake.

What you'd expect ...
After the intense fire-based punishment of the preceding volcano level, you're more than ready for some one-on-one fisticuffs.

You expect, nay demand, a duel of epic proportions. You will settle for nothing less than Mario emerging from this final battle burned and bleeding, but triumphant, with Bowser's severed head in one hand and a swooning Princess Peach in the other, roaring his victory to the gods themselves.

Or, an updated version of those arenas where you swing Bowser around and throw him face first into a bomb would be good, too.

What actually happens...
Bowser's annoyed that Mario has ruined his vacation. He's not annoyed enough to actually get out of his damned hot tub, though. He just sits there, putting up a token resistance.

But he really doesn't give a s**t and consequently is not only defeated, but humiliated in front of his son.

You can't really blame him. He's been at this for over 20 years. He must have known from the start that this would happen, and what good has fighting it ever done him?

So, the final battle of Super Mario Sunshine is an uncomfortable farce for all involved. After Mario has smashed Bowser's hot tub (yes, that's how you beat him) Bowser goes plummeting sadly to earth, where he and his son wind up stranded on a desert island. There, Bowser is forced to explain to his son that dinosaur monsters and human women cannot actually mate, Bowser enduring the kind of shame that would destroy any other man.

Bowser's son bravely endures his father's humiliation, and vows to get his own revenge on Mario when he gets older. King Bowser reassures him as the camera pulls back to reveal they are trapped on the island with no means of escape...

...and thus within mere days, Bowser will surely be forced to eat his son, ending his sad royal line forever.