Sequel To: Lawnmower Man
Peter, the little boy from the first movie.
Jobe, thoroughly replaced by another actor, has to help some guy finish some computer chip the size of a basketball, and Peter has to stop them.
Why It Doesn't Work:
One of the first things the movie does is explain that Jobe has had some facial reconstructive surgery, in an attempt to justify Jobe's change in appearance. The entire plot of this movie should center around Jobe suing his surgeons, since he looks absolutely nothing like the actor who played him in the last movie. They didn't even try to find someone similar-looking. They may as well have cast a dog in the role.
The vision of the future presented in the film pretty much steals from every other futuristic science fiction movie of the time. This would be more forgivable if not for the fact that the first Lawnmower Man took place at 'present time,' and the kid in this movie is about 5 years older than in the first movie. How'd we get to flying cars and sprawling dystopian cityscapes in five years? What the fuck happened to Earth? Is everyone OK?
In the end, Jobe goes back to being mentally retarded, so everyone forgives him for killing a bunch of people when he was smart. Afterwards, they must have been so nervous any time they saw Jobe reading. "You're not going and learning anything, are you? You became a homicidal maniac last time. Oh, it's an Aquaman comic book? Carry on."
Sequel To: Mannequin
Offensive Gay Stereotype Hollywood Montrose
A mannequin comes to life. Again.
Why It Doesn't Work:
This mannequin isn't the same girl from the first movie. She doesn't get turned back into a mannequin or anything. This is a completely separate set of people, who just happen to experience a mannequin coming to life. To make the coincidence even more unbelievable, both times this asshole named Hollywood Montrose is around to see it. Montrose would be responsible for setting the gay rights movement back 30 years if anyone had seen this movie. He's flamboyant, wears big pink glasses, and drives a car with pink dots on it. At one point he explains that he was in the Navy because he was "looking for a few good men." The guy makes Perez Hilton look like Hugh Hefner.
The movie itself is utterly ridiculous. Instead of being a mannequin that some guy creates like in the first movie, the girl in this movie is actually a 17th century princess that was frozen by an evil wizard and mistaken for a mannequin in modern times. As soon as her magical necklace gets removed, she unfreezes. In 300 years, nobody ever once removed her necklace before? Even though for the last 40 or so years, she's been mistaken for something that gets dressed and undressed for window displays all the time? What did people think she was BEFORE human beings invented mannequins? The very fact that this movie makes the first Mannequin's stupid premise seem almost logical by comparison is enough to warrant every copy of this film being destroyed.
The characters eventually find out that the evil wizard is back, reincarnated as a guy played by Bernie from Weekend and Bernie's, and there's a ridiculous battle. At one point, an action scene takes place inside a hot-air balloon, so we guess Speed 3 won't be able to use that after all. The movie is nearly identical to the first Mannequin, except dumber. It's really less of a sequel and more of a remake, as if the world was saying "Hey, we really like the first movie about a mannequin that comes alive, but it's too realistic. Can you make it again, but for idiots?"
Sequel To: Halloween
Contains a television showing an advertisement for the first Halloween movie.
Some guy makes Halloween masks that kill people.
Why It Doesn't Work:
The idea behind this movie was originally that each year, a new Halloween movie would be released, each with a different scary story unrelated to the other movies. This idea wouldn't have been so bad, except that it was the third Halloween movie, not the second, and by then we had come to expect the whole Michael Myers thing.
It also didn't help that they replaced Myers with... masks. Masks that... kill people somehow.
It's the sort of thing that a sitcom would use for a Halloween special. We can easily imagine the Tanner kids from Full House thinking that "Daunting Mask, Inc." or something was making deadly Halloween masks. They go to investigate the factory, only to discover that the company owner is guest-star Vincent Price, and the whole thing is a misunderstanding. Danny gives them a lecture on not jumping to conclusions and Jesse plays a god-awful song about making false accusations.
Rod Hilton is a writer and, in his spare time, he enjoys tearing Hollywood a new asshole over at The Editing Room