Die Hard 2
Bruce Willis IS John McClane, a badass cop with a history of killing terrorists by the truckload. And, when a disgraced Army Colonel takes the entirety of Dulles International Airport hostage to free a notorious Central American dictator/drug smuggler, McClane starts killing some motherf**kers. Then, he kills some more motherf**kers. And then, for a nice change of pace, he finishes it off by killing even more motherf**kers.
Oliver North Can Go Fuck Himself, And Manuel Noriega Can Sit And Fucking Watch.
They've got a real ripped-from-the-headlines thing going on here, or maybe more like ripped-from-the-headlines-then-severely-beaten-and-killed. Still, wouldn't it have been kick-ass if Ollie North (here represented by Col. Stuart, "the guy that got canned by Congress") had started up a rogue mercenary group after he was kicked out of the military, or if Noriega (represented by Gen. Ramon Esperanza, dictator of the extremely non-existant Republic of Valverde) did single-handedly hijack the plane that brought him to America for extradition? Wouldn't the news f**king rock if s**t like that happened in the real world?
"Hey, Colonel, blow me. How much drug money is Esperanza paying you to turn traitor?"
"I think Cardinal Richelieu said it best. 'Treason is merely a matter of dates.' This country's got to learn that it can't keep cutting the legs off of men like Gen. Esperanza, men who have the guts to stand up against Communist aggression."
"And lesson one starts with killing policemen? What's lesson two, the neutron bomb?"
"No, I think we can find something in between."-John McClane and Oliver North
Reporters are a bunch of dicks.
...But one good zap with a stun gun can take care of that problem.
Yeah, But Do They Still Blow Some Shit Up?
Yeah, you could say that, what with this being Die Hard Fucking 2, the second-greatest Die Hard movie ever! Yes, a few objects do indeed explode, from three separate jet airplanes to a goddamn snowmobile.
There's also the usual kick-ass gunfights with plenty of machine guns and, strangely enough, some kung fu fighting, including a fight between Bruce Willis and Oliver North on the wing of a moving jet. Seriously.
Kurtlar Vadisi Irak (Valley of the Wolves: Iraq)
Necati Sasmaz IS Polat Alemdar, the badass leader of a badass Turkish Special Forces team. When American forces in Iraq arrest 11 Turkish soldiers (their own allies) and march them past the news cameras with bags over their heads, it's up to Alemdar and his team to restore their country's pride. When that doesn't work out so well, the increasingly angry Turks set their sights on the one man responsible for the entire Iraq War: Sam Marshall, some random goofball who holds no apparent rank or position and yet still controls the entire American army. Who the f**k is this guy?
Death to America.
That' pretty much it. These guys are definitely not Yankees fans. Since when is Turkey pissed off at us? And, don't try to tell us that it was that thing with the 11 guys with the bags over their heads (yeah, that actually happened) 'cause this obviously goes a little deeper than that. Jewish doctors stealing organs from Abu Ghraib detainees and mailing that s**t out to Tel Aviv? Where the f**k did that come from?
On the bright side, these guys are just as strongly opposed to suicide bombings and video beheadings as they are against America. On the dark side, though, they actually blame America for engineering those suicide bombings and video beheadings. Shit.
"Let me tell you what the difference between you and me is. You would not sacrifice 11 men. Meanwhile, you watch your country's fortune go to ruin. I would sacrifice 11,000 of my men if needed. You cannot abandon the 30 kids because of your feelings? I would kill every single one of them because of their feelings. I kill all who would ruin the peace. Unlike you, I am not here by coincidence. I am a peacekeeper assigned by God. A peacekeeper is God's child." -Sam William Marshall (Billy Zane)
The Kurds are dimwitted thugs in league with the Americans.
We're sure that this has nothing to do with the campaign of ethnic cleansing that Turkey is running against the Kurds in their own country, though. It's probably just some wacky coincidence.
Yeah, but Do They Still Blow Some Shit Up?
We hate to say this, but yeah. They do a pretty damn good job of blowing s**t up. And, we feel especially weird saying that the suicide bombing scene is particularly awesome. The big machine gun shoot-outs kick ass, too. Let's face it, this is a f**king jihad of awesome.