Here’s What Howard Stern Should Actually Do Next

After Howard Stern’s feeble attempt to fool his listeners this morning by pretending Andy Cohen took over his SiriusXM channel, he confirmed that he wasn’t ready to leave his long-running satellite radio show. 

Hurray? Listeners were then subjected to hours of Stern whining about COVID fears, staffers’ summer vacations and his Love on the Spectrum fandom. The guy changed radio forever, but at 71 years old, Stern is out of gas. New contract or no, his show is over. 

But there’s a way out for Stern. As he winds up his Hall of Fame radio career, he’d be smart to take a page out of the Kobe Bryant playbook. 

Kobe, like iconic athletes Derek Jeter and Cal Ripken Jr., announced his retirement a year in advance. If such a ploy sounds like a plea for attention and gifts, that’s because it is. Bryant spent his final season on the receiving end of video tributes, framed jerseys and standing ovations. Even though Bryant claimed he didn’t want the attention, he clearly reveled in the adulation.

And who would bask in the “what a storied career!” spotlight more than Howard Stern? The road map is right there for Stern if he chooses to take it: Sign a one-year deal with SiriusXM for huge dollars, a sign of respect from the company, which secretly pays a premium to finally get Stern to move on. Then spend 12 months on a fawning farewell tour, playing “Best of Howard” bits in between reminiscing about his illustrious run.

What a great opportunity to reconcile and reunite with the exiled personalities who made the show great, like Stuttering John, Jackie “The Jokeman” Martling and Artie Lange. With so much water under the bridge, bygones could be bygones, and each homecoming would be social media gold.

Imagine the celebrities who’d line up for a chance to be part of the farewell. Would never-before guests like Tom Cruise or Brad Pitt show up to promote a project, knowing that this is their last chance to be interviewed by the King of All Media? Even if Baba Booey can’t land those elusive names, there would be plenty of Stern show favorites who’d line up for one last chat, A-listers like Jerry Seinfeld, Bill Murray, Lady Gaga, Jimmy Kimmel, Jennifer Aniston, Billy Joel and Conan O’Brien. 

With the end acknowledged, Stern would likely be the subject of ingratiating profiles in the New York Times Magazine and on shows like 60 Minutes. Comedy voices would line up to proclaim Stern’s influence on their careers. Donald Trump would either slam or praise Stern on Truth Social, but the attention would be the same either way.

It would be like Tom Sawyer and Huck Finn attending their own funeral. Finally, everyone would say nice things about Stern, and he’d get to hear every word. The man who first craved ratings at any cost, then pandered for the respect of celebrities who wanted nothing to do with his Lesbian Dial-A-Date bits, would revel in the attention. 

Howard Stern loves to be loved, and a Kobe-style farewell tour would provide all the flowers a shock jock could want.