Howard Stern Fails to Troll Listeners With Lame Andy Cohen Prank
Instead of Howard Stern making his promised announcement about his future on SiriusXM this morning, his supposed rival, Andy Cohen, was sitting “in the big man’s chair,” renaming Stern’s dedicated channel Andy 100. From the first moment, it reeked of a Stern prank — or even worse, a poor parody of a classic Stern prank. How did everyone know it was an ill-conceived goof?
Clue #1: Stern has pulled these pranks before. In 2005, Stern spoofed his listeners by not returning after a vacation, supposedly replaced by David Lee Roth. (An impersonator did the job.) In 2010, he punked his staff by pretending to retire following lengthy contract negotiations. Haha, Sal, you have to file for unemployment!
Clue #2: Even while Cohen was crowing about his new show, Sirius XM was still broadcasting The Howard Stern Show on Howard 100 — no mention of Cohen. Stern’s face was front and center, undermining the hoax.
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Clue #3: Cohen could barely disguise his wink, giggling about conversations with Baba Booey and Robin Quivers that obviously never happened. Cohen didn’t quite get the bit, telegraphing from the get-go that it was all a big joke.
“You didn’t know! You didn’t know!” Howard insisted to his first callers, even as each told Stern they realized it was a gag. Even Mariann from Brooklyn said she didn’t fall for it. “Yes, you did,” Stern insisted. It took 30 minutes before they put through “a caller who fell for it!” That woman immediately revealed her husband knew it was a dumb prank, and she was disconnected.
So what about the future? Everything you’ve read is completely false, Stern said. The reason he didn’t come back last week? He thought he had COVID. No voice whatsoever. “The cold from hell.”
But he had to come back today, even if he’s still under the weather, mainly because he’s tired of people consoling him for being fired. Does that mean he’s coming back? Better pour yourself a cup of coffee. This is a four-hour show, after all.
First, a long-winded explanation of how he got sick. His mistake, as always, was interacting with other people. Despite being armed with germ-killing gel, he shook hands with dirty, disgusting fans and contracted some kind of respiratory virus. “Being amongst humanity is so vile,” he said. To make matters worse, paparazzi took pictures, giving Stern the opportunity to lament his monstrous appearance. “I look like I’m on the spectrum!”
Before Stern could get to the truth, Variety was reporting that he had signed a new deal with SiriusXM, although terms were not disclosed. Stern felt the narrative slipping from him. “They don’t know that!” Five minutes later, he revealed that he couldn’t retire — not with everyone saying he was leaving. “Fuck you!”
Long story short: Stern isn’t going anywhere.
This morning’s sputtering attempt at an attention-worthy joke is the perfect example of why many thought Stern was done. It was a stunt that would have made headlines 20 years ago. Now he’s doing clumsy imitations of old Stern bits, tapdancing for time while even his most loyal listeners refuse to play along.
