We're sure most of you already keep abreast of the latest Juggalo news, so you don't need us to tell you, but for those of you not in the know, here goes: The Insane Clown Posse is suing the FBI. Or at least they've announced plans to sue the FBI. What's tracking their wacky clown makeup with such litigious tears? Turns out the feds keep a state-by-state database of known gangs and, for some reason, the Juggalos made the list.
For some reason.
Seeing fans of a band whose trademark fashion statement is clown makeup on a list of known gangs was definitely a surprise, but the fun doesn't end there.
The entire reason this came to light is because the FBI's list hit the front page of Reddit after it was made public. So, for once, it wasn't just the Juggalos doing all the reading. We got to check it out, too, and we couldn't help but notice something surprising.
There are a lot of things street gangs are great at: inventing dances that play as well in crime-ridden neighborhoods as they do at Wimbledon, for example. But when it comes to picking an appropriately menacing moniker for their group, things don't always pan out so well.
Here are five highlights from the FBI's comprehensive database of (sometimes hilarious) gang names ...
#5. Oriental Lazy Boys
There's just a lot we want to know about this gang. For starters, are they Asian, or do they hate Asians? Because that name can pretty much read either way. Or perhaps it's a play on words of some sort? Maybe it means they rob people of their hard-earned money like knockoff furniture robs customers of the quality they expect from a name they trust. That's pretty badass.
#4. North Pole Crips
Listen, we get it. Maybe the section of the city that you control is indeed referred to as the "North Pole" and you want to represent accordingly. That's fine, but you have to understand that you have the entirety of Christmas history working against you when it comes to having any hopes of getting people to be intimidated by your name when you go this route. You might as well be the "Hogwarts Bloods" or something.
And besides, doesn't everyone in the North Pole wear red? That should be a conflict of interest to a true (tru?) Crip, right?
#3. Iraqi Taliban
It's not surprising that they've chosen such a seemingly incendiary name. It's not surprising that they're jumbling up their war references into some kind of trying-too-hard attempt to stand out. It's not any of those things.
What surprises us the most about the "Iraqi Taliban" is that, according to the FBI list, they're based in Utah. This leads to an obvious question:
Which episode of HBO's Big Love do we need to watch to figure out what the hell this is about?
#2. Really Cocky Asshole Crew
Let's not sugarcoat this: That name could pretty much be summed up as "Crew With Assholes That Have Lots of Cocks in Them." That's a horrible message to convey on the street. It would make for a smooth transition to a prison gang name, though. Don't ever discount the power of convenience.
#1. Crazy Fucking Mexicans
Holy shit. We've reached that point in the list where we stop mocking and start commending. As far as gangs go, this is a great name. It sets the bar pretty damn high in terms of what people should expect when dealing with you. It's unlikely that this name was thought up by a group of people who can't live up to it. Kudos to them for selecting a name that means they'll only have to use their masterfully honed violence skills when absolutely necessary.
That's exactly how karate works, we think.