Maybe you were too focused on the crisis in Syria or Dennis Rodman's latest diplomatic mission, but as of late in our world of shitty news there has been a throng of stories of people running afoul of absolutely massive piles of butt fudge.
And it is our duty (hey-yo!) as responsible purveyors of sentences on the Internet to keep you informed of such matters. Here's a bracing squirt of news you will never, ever be able to use. We apologize if you never feel clean again.
#4. Disgruntled Man Fills Ex-Wife's Hot Tub With Gallons of Feces
Rene Daniel from Montreal had just been served divorce papers by his wife. Instead of trying to settle the matter like an adult or just move on with his life, he came up with a novel cure for his heartbreak: a poop cauldron.
We're pretty sure that's not what the "double, double" thing was referring to.
Perhaps Daniel decided that the most adept allegory for his failed marriage was a steaming tub of turds, because the police caught him pouring manure into his wife's beloved hot tub. And not just a tiny amount, either. We're talking wheelbarrows full of it. He also left a nice pile for his dear wife right next to the front door. When he realized he had been caught brown-handed, he decided to run from the police. On a tractor. Against all odds, they were somehow able to catch up with the tractor and arrest him.
Any hope of reconciliation was dashed when she sent him a John Deere letter.
#3. Innocent Playground Becomes Drenched in Chicken Turds
We know what you're thinking: What's a screenshot from The Exorcist doing in an article about poop mishaps? Believe it or not, this isn't a still from a terrifying horror movie, it's a playground in Pennsylvania's Meyersdale Borough that had to be shut down. Why's that? On August 23, a dump truck full of chicken manure crashed on a hill directly above the playground, leaking its horrifying contents down toward the park.
"And when the clock chimes 10, the manure rises from the grave, doomed to haunt the see-saw forever."
The area was cleaned with lime immediately following the crash, but tests indicated there was still a huge amount of bacteria like salmonella and campylobacteria in the park, making it a breeding ground for disease. The town was left with no choice but to close the playground indefinitely, until they're sure that it is clean of chicken nuggets.
#2. Texting Driver Crashed into Huge Pile of Diarrhea
If there had been texting in 1955, you can bet this would have been a scene in Back to the Future. Matthew Bruhn was taking a drive in his sweet rental car, a 2014 convertible Mustang, in Platteville, Wisconsin. Even though it is illegal to text and drive in Wisconsin, Bruhn apparently thought mashing out a quick text wouldn't do any harm.
"Driving down some road. #bored #fuckdapolice"
It was in this moment that, in true Biff style, Bruhn managed to rear-end a manure truck, unleashing the floodgates of poo onto the streets. Liquid manure.
If you look closely at the road, you can see two types of skid marks.
Even though the rental Mustang was completely totaled, thankfully no one was seriously injured in this craptastrophe and Bruhn was treated for just a broken finger.
Hopefully it wasn't his texting finger, because then what will he do while driving?
#1. Goat Poo Spontaneously Combusts
The owner of a goat farm in Vermont awoke to a strange smell one morning, apparently even stranger than the average smell of living on a goat farm. It turns out that a magnificent, 120-cubic-yard pile of goat poop had burst into flames completely on its own.
The farmer and several of his workers rushed outside to put out the growing fire, and firemen arrived to the scene even before he had a chance to call them, because the scent of the flaming goat turds could be smelled from 5 miles away.
John Foxx/Stockbyte/Getty Images
"Yes ... breathe it in ..."
Was this just a freak natural phenomenon or the opening salvo in the upcoming Human-Caprine War of 2017? We assume law enforcement wasn't able to squeeze a confession out of the perpetrators, as they were just too stubborn.