As Indiana Jones taught us, there's no shortage of insane millionaires out there who will spare no expense to procure whatever sinister antiquity they've suddenly decided will fill the roaring emptiness.
The problem is, most of the good shit is taken already -- we're pretty sure Hitler's skull and testicle are stored somewhere in Donald Trump's pool house. That forces the rest of the crazy collectors to spend comical amounts of money on such cultural artifacts as ...
#4. Lee Harvey Oswald's Wedding Ring -- $118,000
On the morning of November 22, 1963, Lee Harvey Oswald placed his gold wedding band on his wife's nightstand before leaving the house and, among other things, significantly raising its value by the following day.
Congratulations, you've found a way to make "Cash for Gold" even more despicable.
After being confiscated by the secret service, the ring spent nearly 50 years on a dusty law firm shelf until it was recently mailed back to Oswald's widow in 2012. For some reason, she just didn't really feel like keeping it around. Instead she put it up for auction, and to the surprise of society, gained a cool $118,000 for it from a Texas buyer.
The identity of the buyer remains undisclosed, but we have the sneaking suspicion that he's hired a crack team of metallurgists to analyze whether this ring is proof positive that Oswald was in cahoots with the kingdom of the mole people.
#3. The Kitchen Table That Watched the Lead Singer of Joy Division Hang Himself -- $13,000
In May of 1980, Ian Curtis of the band Joy Division committed suicide, a seemingly senseless tragedy that we now know wasn't all in vain, for it eventually gave one eBay seller by the name of "toys_and_collectables_2005" a golden opportunity to sell off used furniture marked up by thousands of dollars. All he had to do was become a crowning douche in the process.
"Also, his cat pissed on that rug and got run over by a car. $5,000, or $3,000 'Buy It Now.'"
That's Curtis' kitchen table on sale, and among the product pictures provided by the seller is this one:
The Weinstein Company
And that's a screenshot of the scene from his biopic where Curtis hangs himself in the kitchen -- the selling point being that this is indeed the actual table he sat at the night he decided to commit suicide. And now for about $13,000, some lucky sociopath out there gets to eat breakfast off it (which, considering the sales pitch, would actually be the creepiest thing you could use it for).
#2. An "Original" Painting by George Zimmerman -- $100,099
Under no condition is shooting an unarmed teenager an opportunity to sparkle in the limelight, which is why most people would have assumed George Zimmerman couldn't be more eager to slink into obscurity following his not guilty verdict. Instead, he did a photo op at a fucking gun factory, joined Twitter, and made this:
Great, he can add art to the list of things he's killed.
That is an honest to goodness eBay auction of George Zimmerman art -- bought for $100,000 after a soul-crushing 96 bids. That is, someone willingly paid a small fortune to own a painting made by a guy who is only famous for shooting a kid, which, as far as reasons to press "reset" on this long, sad game of SimCity we call our society go, is a pretty solid one.
Weird, the co-author is listed as "S. LaBeouf."
#1. Marilyn Monroe's Medical Records -- Over $25,000
As far as celebrity perversion goes, buying Marilyn Monroe's famous dress or lock of hair is pretty standard at this point -- she was, after all, known for both of those features. What she tends to be less known for, however, is her famous skull:
As mentioned before, people will monetize anybody who blew JFK's brains out.
Yep, the blonde bombshell's medical records were recently auctioned off for $25,600, which is actually $4,400 less than the seller hoped to get. This is especially baffling when you consider that, even if you really need to know all the details of Monroe's plastic surgeries and ectopic pregnancies, all that stuff was already publicly detailed on the auction's listing, for free. That means that whoever bought this needed to go beyond simple information and actually had to have a kinetic relationship with the outline of the deceased actress's skull and dental X-rays -- which incidentally make a great reference for any life-size Monroe doll made of sawdust and hooker parts.
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