The world is so filled with actual human grotesqueries to sort through that the news really shouldn't have to make shit up -- and yet here we are. Unfortunately for the news-savvy (but fortunately for our infinity-part series), there's nothing the media love more than a story that seems too good to be true ... because it isn't. And so, here is the very latest in primo bullshit that someone stamped "news" and sent through the Internet chute.
#4. FOX Didn't Censor the "Only" Mention of Evolution on Cosmos
Here's a little something to stretch your indignant scoff muscles:
The story that's been passed from Gizmodo to the Wire is that during the premiere episode of Cosmos, the gritty revamp of the classic science documentary series, a FOX affiliate in Oklahoma "accidentally" cut the only part about evolution in favor of a news promo about tween archery. While the station apologized for the screw-up, numerous headlines have questioned their true motive due to the state's anti-evolution background and the fact that the word "FOX" is involved. Here's the shameful clip:
The only hole in this theory? That wasn't the only mention of evolution in the show. Oh, and also, it's physically impossible to do -- network shows run on something called a dual network feed that automatically transmits shows to local broadcast affiliates. So, whoever accidentally interrupted the show had no idea they were about to throw down evolution theory unless they came from the future, in which case they probably had a pretty good reason to do it.
#3. Social Media Isn't Killing High School Dances
In the tradition of "video killed the radio star" and "Internet porn killed the VHS," here comes the latest technology-related murder: Facebook killed the high school dance!
In the Back to the Future remake from 2045, Marty has to get his parents to sext Vines to each other.
As the Daily Mail and The Today Show will tell you, teenagers, thoroughly tuckered from getting selfie head lice and punching strangers, are now opting out of their hard-earned high school dances in order to spend more time "texting, Facebook messaging, or Snapchatting each other."
The proof? A single anecdote from a writer for Business Insider.
In fairness, Business Insider also broke the story of Mike Carter dumping Stacy DeGraff before fourth period.
That's it. The article talks about how a few schools in New York are cutting down on dances due to low attendance, which one principal pins on social media -- and since high school principals are always hip to what the kids are doing, that must be true. So never mind the fact that overall prom spending has actually gone up, because a person knows a person who said Facebook killed dancing.
#2. Don't Worry, Global Warming Isn't Gonna Kill Guacamole
Robust Chipotle fanatics everywhere be warned -- it's hoarding time:
"Taco Bell unfazed."
Climate change has finally gone too far: Thanks to a possible avocado shortage due to droughts, America's favorite poop enhancer is apparently going to pull one of its favored staples, along with fucking salsa, which we're pretty certain should be illegal to do. Or, at the very least, it should be illegal to needlessly cause such a panic -- which is exactly what is happening.
The truth is that it all came from a statement to investors meant to generically cover Chipotle's asses just in case this should ever happen, but according to a company spokesman, there have been similar shortages before and they've dealt with them the usual way: by upping the price. So no worries -- you can still host your guac-lube orgia fiestas, but you might have to invest a little more in them.
#1. No, There Isn't a Machine That Turns Water into Wine
Good news, poor bohemians! You can now get drunk with some water, $2 worth of ingredients, and a $499 gizmo that recreates biblical miracles:
Even Jesus is losing work due to outsourcing.
That headline and this (vaguely) explicative video washed across the front pages of TIME, MNN, HuffPost, Mashable, and even Discovery ... but not NPR, because they were the only ones who actually went through the trouble of asking experts if turning water into wine was even possible, to which they responded "Fuck no." Yes, apparently all you need to trick every major news site is two white guys and decent production value.
The Miracle Machine
"It's got a blue light on it and there's a glass of wine in the back. How much deeper do you want us to dig?"
It turns out that it was all for a good cause, though: The hoax was designed to give some attention to a nonprofit organization called Wine-to-Water that brings water to areas in need. So hooray for lazy, gullible news sites this one time, we guess.