6 Horseshit Things The Site That Tried To Bribe Me Does

As someone who works on the Internet, I've been known to get email. And one recent message stood out to me.

That's some sketchy shit, Wingman Magazine. But five minutes spent browsing your website for swaggering frat-bros suggests that's your norm. But you intrigued me with your blatant disregard for ethics. You said I could write about anything. Would you uphold that promise? Let's find out by looking at what makes Wingman Magazine a cultural atrocity.

#6. They're Deceptive

dolgachov/iStock/Getty Images

Sponsored content -- articles in which advertisers pay to have their brand displayed -- is a legitimate practice. But proper sponsored content is clearly labelled and goes through official channels. You don't email random contributors and ask them to sneak links by the employers that trust them in exchange for cash.

BuzzFeed
Even BuzzFeed has figured that out, so it's not like this is a difficult concept.

Speaking of cash, I only get 100 bucks out of 200? Do I need to convince Foreign Policy to publish "5 Reasons Joe Biden Is The Ultimate Wingman"? You're saying "We think the way you make a living is okay, but not great. You could do better. Anyway, want to do our dirty work?" Then again, you have a guide on convincing girls to send nude pictures, so you probably think you're "negging" me into doing what you want. You know what works better? Honesty. Here, let me give you an example of how honesty works: I think children who ate too many Alpha-Bits have vomited better prose than Wingman Magazine.

Your email basically reads "I stumbled across your article about a woman living with a serious mental illness and thought you'd be perfect for a site about getting trashed on vodka red bulls at the strip club with your bros!" Did you ask Tucker Max to contribute a piece on ISIS? If you were any worse at making connections, you'd be permanently stranded in an airport. If you worked as an NBA scout, you'd try to draft lucha libre wrestlers.

It's also insulting how blatantly you mislead your readers -- although given your subject matter, they could be misled by an exit sign. You claim in the middle of your homepage to have been "seen in" these respectable sites ...

Wingman Magazine

... but those aren't links, and my searching only revealed three articles. I'm not saying that you're lying about the other two, because unlike you, I don't make shit up when it suits me. But I'm not surprised that you don't provide links to the articles, considering they're about unrelated topics that awkwardly shoehorn in a single hidden link. Bragging about being seen somewhere only works if it's a positive depiction of your accomplishments, Wingman Magazine. Saying that you were featured on Business Insider is like saying that the Beltway snipers were featured on CNN.

#5. They Don't Understand Women Or Sex

feelphotoart/iStock/Getty Images

Wingman Magazine's main focus is helping business students squandering their trust fund get laid, because that's a new and innovative idea for a website. But they're hurt by the fact that they know less about women than the Boston Strangler. Their writers learned their sex tips by watching their dads get drunk, molest their sisters, and make them swear not to tell mom. Take "How To Make Her Squirt -- The Definitive Guide," a term that hasn't been less accurate since Kirk Cameron wrote the definitive guide on repressing your desire to suck dick.

Wingman Magazine

How bad of a housekeeper are you that your dates can't achieve orgasm because they're too distracted by filth? Maybe try a position that faces her away from your pile of rotting raccoon carcasses. "Keep things tidy" isn't a sex tip; that's a basic life tip. Maybe we should go back further in the process and start with "graduate from junior high."

Wingman Magazine

I'm not taking a trip to Home fucking Depot because of some statistic which you either made up or is useless because your study was held in a bedroom full of month-old pizza pockets. If you're so bad at sex that you need to perform home maintenance, you'd be better off installing a vibrating sex chair and then asking for a pity handy.

Wingman Magazine

Are you saying it took you 10 years to bring your wife to orgasm? And speaking of that unfortunate woman ...

Wingman Magazine

Should I take her somewhere clean and not spend a decade getting to first base?

Wingman Magazine

Oh, it's about how to make my wife horny. Yeah, I can see how she'd suddenly be a lot less interested in me if I started reading Wingman Magazine.

Wingman Magazine

Remind her of my existence and show interest in her? Am I trying to have sex with my wife or my stalking victim? I get that this hypothetical marriage is on the rocks, but if your partner feels unsafe in your presence, a lack of sex may be less important than the fact that you're beating her.

Wingman Magazine

How did we even manage to get married if I have to be reminded to be supportive of her career? "Normally you'd mock the idea of a woman in the workplace, but you're horny and she gets upset when you spend the money she earns on call girls, so ..." I can't fault that second question, though. Getting a girl in the mood by making her think about her ailing mother has always worked for me.

Wingman Magazine

"Honey, I called a plumber to fix the sink that's been spewing sewer water for a week. I'm not saying you have to blow me, but I think you'd agree that I've earned it."

Wingman Magazine

"Don't trick her into falling asleep so you can molest her!" isn't martial advice. That's remedial prison therapy. What's next, "Remember that corpses aren't viable sexual partners for long"?

Wingman Magazine

Because what other possible motivation could you have for raising your children? "Look, dear! I fulfilled the basic social contact we agreed to when we decided to bring new humans into this world! Now that they've stopped whining about food, do you want to lock them in their rooms for 10 minutes so I can make love at you?" I'm starting to think I could make your wife horny by calling social services. Just what kind of sociopaths are you writing these articles for?

Wingman Magazine

Oh.

#4. They Give Ridiculous, Irresponsible Advice

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Bad sex and dating advice covers the Internet like water covers the Earth, but Wingman Magazine takes it into Noah's flood territory in "How To Talk Dirty To A Girl Over Text."

Wingman Magazine

Who thought it was a good idea to type that paragraph, and how many flies buzz out of its mouth when it screeches in the Black Tongue? Wingman Magazine talks about the virtues of being a gentleman, but collecting nude pictures to send your bros is about as gentlemanly as challenging a quadriplegic to a fistfight.

Wingman Magazine

I'd say there's a 70 percent chance that this writer has a corpse in his basement, and a 100 percent chance the corpse is there because she turned him down for a date. Any woman who still claims to respect a man after that apology is a cop working a sting operation to catch a serial rapist.

Wingman Magazine

Behold the profound advice of "ask girls questions on a first date." This guy must have spent weeks reassembling his shattered mind when he learned that coffee shops exist and that people sometimes meet there to converse.

Wingman Magazine

"She pocket"? I'm confident in saying that no one in human history has ever referred to a vagina as a "she pocket," and Urban Dictionary backs me up. Is the writer 12, and also a mentally handicapped alien?

Wingman Magazine

He forgot the rest of her line, which reads: "I had no idea you were a middle-aged housewife who writes 50 Shades fanfiction in her spare time."

Wingman Magazine

You're too lazy to text? I think that's why society invented porn, you slack-jawed moron. But then, I guess you're also why society invented prophylactics, so it's not a perfect system. What else can you get wrong?

Wingman Magazine

Only four? You've already given more pieces of advice than that!

Wingman Magazine

If she starts causing scenes, it's a sign she craves excitement? Are you sure she's not upset at you for texting her nude pictures to all your friends? I think what she's basically telling you is, "Listen to my words and stop looking for hidden meanings in every phrase. I speak the same goddamn language as you." Or hey, maybe she's just crazy. Chicks, am I right? What can you do?

Wingman Magazine

Ah, okay. Ignore whatever she's upset about, take her on a roller coaster, and then upset her again by making her jealous. Isn't six a little young to be dating? But then, I guess I shouldn't have expected any better from the site responsible for:

Wingman Magazine

They say the best revenge is to live well, but if you're reading Wingman Magazine, you can't really call what you're doing living.

Wingman Magazine

Sick burn, guy who clearly has crippling emotional issues. Nothing makes a girl regret dumping you like being an asshole and demonstrating that you have the intellectual maturity of a renegade puppy.

Wingman Magazine

Wait, that last tip was supposed to make her miss you? Because I guarantee that it's only going to make her work on her pepper spray aim. And no, you fucking lunatic, you don't get to use the "think about what you do with this power I gave you!" excuse to get out of any responsibility. That's why I'm going to be open about the fact that I think the people reading this should tell everyone they know that Wingman Magazine is made by and for emotionally manipulative psychopaths.

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