The 5 Most Clearly Insane Public Figures Endorsing McCain
For example, Obama and McCain both want
the all-important Angelina Jolie endorsement, probably to help them nail down the "votes the same as people they want to have sex with, just in case it ever comes down to that" demographic (roughly 40% of the American populace). So until she makes up her mind, she’ll be lavished with McCain’s homemade cookie bouquets and Obama’s signature deep-tissue foot massages.
For every attractive starlet whose endorsement the candidates want, there's about a dozen utter nutjobs who are more than happy to pledge their undying support. Of course, no candidate in their right mind would be caught dead with them, which is why we're now going to examine each in minute detail.
Behold, five John McCain fans whose rally invitations just seem to keep getting “lost in the mail.”
SPECIAL NOTE: Tune in to this space in two weeks for EQUAL TIME: 5 Obama Supporters He'd Rather Not Have! And don't bitch in the comments.
Rev. John Hagee
And by the way, “charismatic” doesn’t mean he’ll talk you into a new Pontiac; it means his church believes in tongues, faith healing, and assorted other God magics. So from McCain’s point of view, here’s a guy who can get on TV and tell 90 million Christians that God wants them to vote Republican in November, and he’s got magical powers to back it up. Sweet deal, right?
The Strings:
First, this NPR interview
Hagee went on to draw comparisons between the Islamic Nation and World War II Germany and Japan. Aside from offending just about everyone, this statement puts Hagee in the same league as Internet commenters for forced Nazi references, a group no
Imagine McCain at a Hagee church fundraiser, inviting him up on stage to “thank” him for his inestimable contributions. They go to shake hands, and POW! McCain’s right arm shoots up with skull-cracking force, defying his shoulder injuries and evoking nothing so much as the snapping action of the kid from Rookie of the Year
.
McCain looks down Hagee’s crumpled and lifeless form, and snarls “Where’s your Messiah now, Adolf?”
Of course, that could alienate some of that far right Christian voting block. But that’s okay, because there’s always more pastors to court. Plus, who needs a base when you’ve got the reggae/salsa/rap/hip hop/electronica vote? Enter…
Daddy Yankee
If there’s a voting block McCain’s got trouble with aside from the religious right, it’s kids. Let’s face facts: any effort he makes to appear “cool” to today’s youth is just going to come off looking like the “rappin' grandma” from The Wedding SingerGeorge Bush (both of them)
On the surface, the endorsement of the man who has the job you’re interviewing for isn’t really a bad deal. I had a friend who ran the drive thru at a Taco Bell, and when he quit to become a script reader, I snapped that shit up like a Cruchwrap Supreme.
And what’s the presidency if not a glorified drive thru window? You take the orders of America, misinterpret them due to a broken and convoluted communications system, then give them what you thought they wanted and charge them for it anyway.
The point being, if the biggest celeb in the world—the President of the gosh-darned United States—and his Dad (who was also the President) both want to come out and say you could do their job, that’s just Fire Sauce.
The Strings:
Unless that Fire Sauce has a 19 percent approval rating. Despite their differences, a fairly solid campaign strategy from both sides lately has been to point out repeatedly and emphatically “Guys, I am NOT like George Bush. Seriously, I barely even know the guy. We like, shook hands, ONCE, and we didn’t even make eye contact.”
While Obama can point to his donkey pin, voting record, and blackness to distance himself from the presidential pariah, all McCain’s really got is the word “maverick.” Which is not to imply that his camp isn’t utilizing the word “maverick” to the absolute fullest extent grammatically possible.
And if you think I’m being biased, may I point out that during his endorsement speech, President Bush actually offered to oppose McCain if that would be more helpful. Bitter passive-aggression, or surprising insight?
If McCain’s going to pull this one out, it’s time to play some “ditch the turd.” Just don't say anything
How He Should Have Handled It:
Just before the President grasped his hand at the White House Rose Garden, he should have yanked it up and away, smoothing a stray lock of hair and shrugging his leather jacket as if to say “oops.” If any of the reporters present ask if that was meant as a sign of disrespect, he’d just respond “I don’t know. Maybe,” and leave for a “thing later.”
I’m telling you nothing’s going to speak to the majority of Americans quite like entitled, sarcastic apathy.
Pastor Rod Parsley
The Endorsement:
Our second pastor, Rod Parsley is no John Hagee, at least in terms of drawing power. In fact, if you were a hack comedy writer, you might even describe him as the “garnish” to Hagee’s televangelist meal. And if you were John McCain during the Republican primaries, you might describe him as “one of the truly great leaders in America, a moral compass, a spiritual guide.”
But despite his lack of TV stations, Parsley’s no slouch when it comes to uniting a voting block. As founder of more Colleges than DeVry (all Ministerial) and head of the World Harvest Megachurch, he’s definitely got some pull with God. In fact, as the church itself is 122,000 square feet on 57 acres of land, there’s a fairly good chance his church is the only one God could comfortably fit into anyway. And as the saying goes, “if you’ve got God’s vote, you’re halfway there.” Of course, you still need Jolie.
Parseley’s also been a guest on Larry King Live
Parseley is also a dominioninst, which is a fancy word meaning someone who thinks the church should take over the government. Although I’m guessing he’s not referring to the church of Islam. So, he hates a specific group and wants to seize governmental power ... I’ll stop before this slides back into a Hitler metaphor.
Oh, and he probably cheated on his taxes, which seems kind of minor in retrospect.
How He Handled It:
“I've never been in Pastor Hagee's church or Pastor Parsley's church. I didn't attend their church for 20 years, and I'm not a member of their church. I received their endorsement, which did not mean that I endorsed their views.”
How He Should Have Handled It:
Dispatched a team to gas Parsely in his home, rendering him unconscious, and take him by unmarked van to a Hollywood back lot prepared so as to mimic a cloudy, ethereal Heaven. When he awakes, seventy-two hijab-draped virgins emerge from the mist, informing the pastor that Allah would “like to have some words with him.” The ensuing freak-out is streamed live to the Internet via the McCain campaign website.
Tran Trong Duyet
What did they do with all their time not being tortured? Why, played volleyball, ate full meals, and discussed philosophy with their friendly, enlightened captors! Duyet says he considers McCain “an old war buddy” and would “definitely vote for him” in the election.
He also called McCain a man who is “very loyal to his beliefs and country” and who" never admitted that the Vietnam war was a mistake” during any of their “debates.” I’d wager an inordinate number of those debates were moderated by hot tongs and the phrase “di di mao!”
Still, there’s nothing quite like redemption to win over an American heart, and what could be more cathartic than a big on-stage hug between John McCain and his repentant torturer?
The Strings:
Oh wait, John McCain CAN’T hug. Because you fucking crippled
It’s not that you can’t support McCain, Mr. Duyet. It’s just that he doesn’t want to hear about it, and no one wants to hear you claiming that soldiers in prison camps were having a dandy time eating Nik-L-Nips and Lik-M-Aid (I like hyphenated candies). Furthermore, your assertion that McCain made up the torture stories to get votes takes you from “delusional guy trying to live with guilt” to “fucker” in like, zero moves.
And even though we’re not as close as we used to be, I’m fairly sure John McCain doesn’t share your dream of “meeting with him again as two old friends” to “talk about the future, and…not talk about the past.” Because that dream is FUCKING CRAZY.
How He Handled It:
“…”
How He Should Have Handled It:
Yeah, that’s about right.
And now, in the interest of going out on a joke, I give you the worst possible campaign endorsement short of Stalin’s corpse rising from his tomb to go canvassing for you.
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