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No one likes going to see the doctor, unless they live in the pornoverse, in which case every trip to the doctor is as awesome as ordering a pizza or picking up a hitchhiker. "Oh, doctor, I seem to have broken my wiener, and the only cure is factory reject D-cups!" For the rest of us, the doctor is a terrible, cold-handed individual with stirrups and specula and accusing glances that you only see when you're feeling like crap and who sometimes could end your meeting with the words "Yours is the first bum I've had a finger in today."

Less well-known and less better (heretofore known as "worse") are doctors who got their degree from "I don't have a degree." These fakers like to pretend to be doctors and will make you as uncomfortable as a real doctor, but with the added threat of not knowing their asses from grape jelly, and thus having a whole boatload of potential to kill you or just molest you for shits and giggles.

Boob Inspector


I want to play a game. The rules of this game are simple. Find the nearest boobs that belong to someone you don't know. Tell that person you're a doctor, and as part of your doctorly duties, you need to feel those boobies. Come back here and let us all know how it panned out for you.

There will be one time in everyone's life when the line "Can I touch your boobs?" will work as an opening volley to a stranger. Everyone gets one; try not to miss it. Most times, however, you'll get a dirty look, spit in your eye, or a punch in the kisser. The resulting bloody nose is well-earned, and hopefully it taught you a lesson.

Because the universe enjoys a paradox, the boobie-touching rules don't always apply, and sometimes you get a person like Phillip Winikoff. I need you to close your eyes and still somehow read this. Close one eye. Now picture this -- Winikoff was a 76-year-old man who looked like that old fart from Up! after a weekend of drinking schnapps. Posing as a door-to-door doctor, a thing that is not a thing, Winikoff managed to go to not one, but two different women in an apartment complex, explain that he was in the neighborhood offering free breast exams, and then give them breast exams in their homes, with a quick follow-up gloveless crotch exam tossed in for good measure.

It's stories like this that make you want to just write Bill Gates a letter and ask for a million bucks, because who knows, it could work, right? And in case you think it's a fluke, it's worth noting that Winikoff isn't the only one to pull this off. A transgendered fake doctor going by the name Berlyn Aussieahshowna managed to convince several women in nightclubs in Idaho to get breast exams by claiming that she was a plastic surgeon. She was caught after the examinees called the number she gave them to schedule appointments and discovered that she was not a doctor there. This story is remarkable in that someone using the worst fake name ever managed to get people to concede to breast exams in nightclubs, and for apparently confirming that Idaho has nightclubs.

Butt Implants


In the last year or so, there seems to have been a curious pattern of people paying just any ol' scrub to put things in their ass. Now, historically, there's a bit of a precedent for paying people to put things in your ass, but it works a little different from this. In this instance, the victims are trying to get ass implants, arguably the lamest of all things to go in someone's ass. But rather than go to a certified ass implant professional, these people are taken by the idea of discount home ass implantation being a good thing, and they let a stranger start injecting them with shit. What kind of shit do unlicensed, non-real doctors inject into people's asses? So far the list includes silicone, cement, super glue, tire sealant, mineral oil, and bathroom caulk. Can you imagine? Paying someone to put caulk in your ass? The mind boggles. And yes, I'm really proud of that joke, because when am I ever going to be able to legitimately do that again?

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Oh God, Billy Barty, we'll get you out of there! We haven't forgotten you!

You could argue that maybe these people didn't know what was being injected, so we shouldn't judge them too harshly, and maybe they're not so bright as to realize that discount surgery in someone's house probably isn't the best idea they've ever had. But all that aside, if they'd just looked at the ass of the woman who was performing the procedure -- something of an amorphous bugle that made her look like she was forever caught in the midst of pooping out an entire midget -- they should have figured out that something bad was afoot. A healthy booty is attractive to some people, but an ass that looks like Billy Barty with his ankle clamped in someone's asshole trapped in a net of yoga pants looks like exactly what I just described.

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Fake Cancer Boobies


If I may go back to boobs for a moment (and I think I may), there's more than one way to dupe a lady into showing off her goodies. For instance, tell her you're successful Internet comedian Soren Bowie and include a photo of his smiling face. I do that every weekend and have been gifted with more trailer park proposals than you can even imagine. If the real Soren ever goes to the Heartland, he's got a lot of horny alcoholic ladies who work in factories to make amends to. But another way to see a woman's jubblies is to harness the power of fear. Tell her that, in your capacity as a doctor (pretend to be a doctor, incidentally), you have noticed that she has cancer. Of the boob. But, because you're a cancer boobologist, you can treat her terrible condition via a top secret yet wholly effective procedure known as sucking on dem boobies. Also, as a backup, maybe use some kind of probe that makes ozone. Ozone in the crotch cures cancer, right? Probably.

Operating out of a shack in Wales, which is like Britain's "the South," 77-year-old Reginald Gill did all of this, claiming to be a military doctor who was offering alternative therapies to people who didn't want to use traditional hospitals because real doctors are so often forgetful about sucking their patients' breasts and/or probing them with whatever random gadgets they have in their dirty Welsh basements.

In reality, Gill had been a caterer in the army and had no medical training, and book research tells us that sucking has yet to effectively cure any form of cancer, boobish or otherwise. Gill was a dirty fraud, and the result of his dirty fraudulence was eight years in prison.

Home Sperm Donors


If we're being honest with ourselves, we all recognize that Craigslist is a terrible repository of gross and terror. There's a corner of it where hipsters trade their sitars for kalimbas and organize poetry jams at organic tea shops, and then others sell their 32-inch Zenith televisions from 1991 for $10 (you haul it away), but for the most part, it's all murder and masturbation. That's a statistic -- you can Google it.

In keeping with this terrible theme, Jeffrey Graybill posted an ad on Craigslist in Phoenix. His ad said that he was a fertility doctor looking for sperm donors. Here's where you need to put on your Magnum, P.I. hat and look for clues that something ain't right. A good hint that you're about to embark on something awful is that you're answering a Craigslist ad for what you keep in your balls. No one on Craigslist needs what's in your balls for legitimate business purposes. All Craigslist nut farmers are, in fact, illegitimate.

Anyway, despite what logic dictates, some people answered this ad and went to Graybill's apartment, because why not donate sperm at a dude's apartment? Incidentally, while in Phoenix this may be known as sperm donation, in most circles it's known as "jerking off in front of a stranger."

Victims who went to Graybill's apartment were then subjected to extensive physical exams, inside and out, long and weird enough that the men involved felt the need to call the cops about it later. Because there comes a point, when getting fondled and probed by a strange man, in his house, that you start to think, "This doesn't seem legit at all."

I don't want to come off sounding too hard on these guys (I could have worded this sentence differently if I wanted to), so I will say that the fake doctor did have a black medical bag, a stethoscope, and a three-page FAQ about sperm donation. That's more official than most doctors you'll find in Europe.

Possibly the saddest part of this whole story is that this guy needed to run a scam to play with random dudes' junk. After perusing Craigslist for five minutes to research this, and having also been on Chatroulette once, it seems pretty clear that if you want to play with some random dude's junk, all you really need to do is ask and you'll be up to your ears in wiener, no felonies required. Maybe some ointment, but no felonies.

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Penis Pumping


Everyone enjoys a good penis pump now and then. That's what Granny used to say, and if you argued with her, it was two days in the cellar with the Gooch. But for all the good penis pumping has done for the world, there's a dark underbelly, or taint, if you will -- the pumping party.

The term "pumping party" sounds gross all on its own, but it's gross in a whole different way when you read up on it. It's when a bunch of people get together to have someone that everyone is reasonably sure is not a real doctor inject them with a wacky grab bag of random products in an effort to make whatever body part is being injected bigger. So those butt implants done with cement like before or, in this case, your wang. To clarify, you go to someone's house to let another person inject things into your penis. And why? Because it's cheaper than letting a doctor do it. I'm reasonably sure I could buy some pliers and perform my own dental work on the cheap as well, but I'm still not gonna do it.

At this particular party, a man allowed pretend doctor Kasia Rivera, maybe with a crowd of onlookers enjoying cocktail wieners and Fresca, to inject his dong with silicone. Industrial grade silicone, the kind of stuff you buy at Home Depot to seal your toilet.

In case you're wondering what a dink full of industrial silicone does to you, you die. The patient in question collapsed the following day from a silicone embolism and his weird, amorphous penis was not enjoyed by anyone.

If you're thinking maybe other substances are safer than silicone, it's worth noting that shady clinics in Thailand also offer a similar procedure in which they'll inject your unit with olive oil. Olive oil has to be safer, because Rachael Ray uses it and she would never endorse murderous penis grease, right? WRONG! So wrong. Rachael Ray hates your penis and wants it destroyed without mercy.

While I'm not sure if a greasy wiener ever killed anyone, at least one man in Thailand had to have his entire undercarriage Ken Dolled, thanks to some severe infection and cancer. Did the oil cause cancer? That seems odd at best, but on the other hand, so does injecting your penis repeatedly with oil to the point that it becomes infected. I'm no doctor. Neither are any of the rest of these people.

Check out more from Felix in The 5 Most Poorly Conceived 'Sexy' Charity Drives and The 6 Stupidest Things Ever Done on a Dare.

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