The 4 Most Preposterous Ways to Get Drunk

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Getting your drank on. Is there anything more noble? Yes, most things. Few people ever achieve stunning Hemingway levels of awesomeness whilst shitfaced. Instead they achieve things slightly more noteworthy than a hobo shitting in his own boots to keep his feet warm. And yet we still really enjoy getting a good buzz because it facilitates sharing feelings, having sex with people who otherwise would probably not tolerate us, and vomiting. So much vomiting. With all these wondrous benefits, of course drinking is a popular hobby, but dammit if some people don't have a big ol' boner on to screw with it and do it some novel, new way, as though ingestion were somehow cramping their style. Crazy sumbitches.

#4. Butt Chugging

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Back in 2011, my fellow mirthematician Soren Bowie wrote on the phenomenon of butt chugging and how utterly false it was. While I was researching this article, I found evidence that butt chugging was in fact real, and thus, by order of Cracked management, I was bidden to copulate with Soren's mother while he was in the room! His lesson learned, Soren will never write another article that dares be in direct contrast to my own work ever again.

Butt chugging is a real thing, and a Tennessee frat boy was hospitalized as a result of it, despite later holding a press conference with his lawyer to tell everyone that butt chugging is super gross and he's totally not gay, bro. So fuck off. He then later filled his asshole with Thunderbird. I assume. Because he went to the hospital with a shitbox full of wine, and police questioned everyone on the scene who did it, too, so it's hard to argue with that. But I digress.

The idea behind the ol' butt chug is as follows -- your face hole is old and shitty. Look at it: exposed to the elements all day, smiling like a face full of fuck. Good God. Forget it. On the other hand, your precious, delicate asshole is always nestled in cotton undies, cradled like the delicate little pucker it is, and directly connected to a stank tube that's made of 10 percent mucus, 60 percent poo, and 40 percent alcohol-hungry poop chutery. And that poop tubing of yours can absorb vodka way better and faster than anything directly connected to your lame ass face orifice. And when you think about it, you dad probably gets drunk through the face hole. People in the Dark Ages got drunk through the face hole, and those people didn't even know to not shit in their own beds, probably. Idiots. Why would you want to live like them? You don't.

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"I'm putting this in my mouth. My God, did the Chinese win a war when I was on the shitter?"

The big issue with the idea of butt chugging is logic. So inserting a tube and decanting a Four Loko into your nether chasm will get you drunk faster, but what exactly is the benefit of that? What pressing meeting do you need to get to in the next five minutes that absolutely necessitates that you be there, but also be falling-down shitfaced when you arrive? When has anyone ever needed to be drunk right away? This is not a thing that ever occurs. If you need to be drunk earlier in the night, then by all means start drinking earlier in the night. But without a sufficient explanation as to why you need to be drunk really fast, there isn't really a good reason to put a hose in your asshole and try to get a whole case of Pabst up in there when you could just as easily be sitting on the couch watching TV while you drink it.

#3. Eyeball Shots

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Now that we've covered your ass, the next logical way to imbibe booze is through a hole that's already plugged -- your eye. "Logical," if you're the kind of person who posts videos of your own mild suffering on YouTube because "it's so awesome, dude!" Then later you do the cinnamon challenge, suck a condom up your nose, and eat some ghost peppers, because you are a dickhead. The media were tickled pink to discover this trend and reported on the awfulness of it while calling it a "disturbing trend" as many times per minute as the FCC would allow.

Like filling your other non-drinking holes before it, the idea of eyeball shots was labeled either a fad or a hoax by some after the initial media frenzy to share the traumatic stories with us, but, as we've learned, it doesn't matter if it was fake before the news broke the story, because it sure as shit became real after, and YouTube had hundreds of videos to back it up. Some even went back as far as 2006 to indicate that people were really this dumb before CNN and FOX told them to be this dumb.

The closest thing we have to an active Justice League, the American Academy of Ophthalmology, came out against the practice, as it is their sworn duty to oppose you putting shit in your eye, as anyone who remembers the great "Salt in Your Eye" coup of '88 can attest to. The day we all saw the blurry, watery forms of ophthalmologists landing on the beach was a day that lives on in all our hearts. They also brought with them the double-barreled attack of common sense and vague knowledge of anatomy, which thoroughly trounced the idea behind eyeball shots. Firstly, for those who didn't notice, your fucking eye is in your eye. This is why we consume most nutrients through the mouth -- there isn't a big thing plugging the gap. Secondly, your eye is sealed up pretty damn tight and has fairly small blood vessels, meaning its ability to absorb anything into the bloodstream is remarkably limited. Of all the inefficient ways to absorb alcohol, this would be the most inefficient, as it is more likely just to cause permanent damage to your vision, rather than give you a buzz. Literally the only stupider ways you could try to get booze into your body would be telekinetically or using your urethra as a straw.

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Felix Clay

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