So awhile back I wrote about how the military was taking inspiration from dinosaurs and psychotropic drugs (probably) when designing the next generation of military vehicles. I managed to sneak in a good joke about Voltron before the whole thing degenerated into the sort of shoddy list-based nonsense that passes for comedy around here. Seriously, some days we’re just running around playing grab-ass here.
Shortly after the article went live it occurred to me that I had omitted to mention the absolute pinnacle of military vehicle insanity: The GI Joe universe. And so, as we wrap up the 7th and most boring year yet of the War on Terror, I’d like to take you back to a world where wars were cooler, and way stupider…
__
The 20 Stupidest GI Joe Vehicles Ever
All photos courtesy of yojoe.com
#20.
You’re going to see this a lot in the next couple minutes: a whole bunch of guys hanging off the back of nearly every god damned vehicle. I don’t know why – nowhere in the Joe canon does it specify why they’ve taken their design cues from a Central American public transit system.
#19.
Famously no-one ever actually gets shot in the GI Joe universe, which is why they have such curious ideas about how to armor vehicles. We’re approaching Pope-Mobile territory with all this glass.
#18.
A multi-cultural group of friends are out for an adventure and learn what matters more: the size of your tank, or the size of your heart.
#17.
The Buzz Boar is easily the most devastating weapon in the COBRA arsenal, if viewed from the perspective of a weary parks groundskeeper.
#16.
The D.E.M.O.N. can raise itself vertically on extendable legs, and is thought to be the only tank in the world capable of launching the deadly Teabag ordinance.
#15.
Here the “dudes hanging off the side” motif has gone a smidge too far. If that boat is symmetrical, I have no idea what that poor scuba diver is standing on. A seal? It’s a mystery.
#14.
The Fang is possibly the most fragile air vehicle in history, and during the COBRA Wars of the 1980’s, American forces shot down 14,982 of them, injuring close to a dozen pilots.
#13.
Equal parts dangerous and hilarious; I particularly like the alternate spelling of “trouble.”
#12.
This one hits pretty much all the GI Joe vehicle high spots: Huge glass cockpits, a scarily exposed turret, and the ability to launch smaller, more comical vehicles. The only thing missing from this is about 12 dudes hanging off of it, but for all I know, they could be on the other side.
#11.
A classic of COBRA military design, the elevated treads serve no purpose other than to make it look cooler, but they certainly succeed at that.
#10.
I have no idea what that one guy at the bottom is shooting at, although knowing COBRA, we can be pretty sure he ain’t hitting it.
#9.
Imagine showing up for war one day, and they tell you to get in this thing. The helmet this guy is wearing is going to serve about the same purpose as aluminum foil on a baked potato.
#8.
Unless those rotors are mobius strips, I think this helicopter has a bit of a design problem. Who designed this thing? M.C. Escher? Also note this vehicle appears to fire manned missiles from each pontoon. I’m guessing you have to get caught porking the Cobra Mayor’s daughter to get assigned that job.
#7.
In the GI Joe universe, where every vehicle has about 30 guns each, with most of them pretty sinister looking, pride of place still goes to this, a 10 foot long penis gun that spits fire.
#6.
I’ve been thinking. You know what the big problem is with these detachable units is? Fuel. How long is that little guy going to be able to fly around, shooting at Joes and missing? And how on earth is it going to get back to base, or do they expect it to reattach to the mothership after the inevitable rout? Would that look like two planes humping? Would it be hot?
#5.
Oh for crying out loud. This is going to get someone killed.
#4.
In the real world, the A-10 Warthog is one badass looking plane. Here Cobra’s attempted to make it better by adding what I’m going to go ahead and describe as “a gay little turret.” When you consider that every other gun in the GI Joe universe is the size of a golf bag, whatever they have mounted in that turret looks like what you’d give to an elderly woman recovering from surgery, if things had gotten desperate and you really needed her out on the front lines.
#3.
Another strong contender in our “more dangerous to the pilot” category. This makes me wonder if anyone at Hasbro understands any properties of rocket exhaust other than “orange.”
#2.
The only plane in the world with “junk in the trunk,” this plane was evidently designed by a panel of popular rap artists.
#1.
In the 1980’s the Triple ‘T’ was our foremost Sergeant Slaughter delivery vehicle, who if you don’t recall, used to be America’s foremost suplex delivery vehicle.
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September 23rd, 2009 at 7:35 pm
The Mamba has interlocking rotors. this design was actually used in several real life helicopter designs.
And the SR-71 knockoff with the detachable mini plane?
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lockheed_D-21/M-21
Yeah, they actually did that.
September 22nd, 2009 at 9:55 am
Wow, laughing at work over #5. This article wins.
September 21st, 2009 at 12:20 pm
One of the design flaws I think is just due to needing to get those figures into the vehicles. Look at most of the tanks, like the Triple T, the Mean Dog, and even the Hiss. As the article noted, a main theme is guys hanging onto the vehicle for dear life. This was done in World War II..mainly because the Soviet Union was that desperate that they had to have their soldiers hanging off of tanks to get to the battle. I think once the war was over, one of the first things they started was to rectify the issue.
See, tanks are designed so enemy fire hits first lots of armour, then easily killable soldiers. That’s the whole point of the blasted things. Without heavy armour, you’ve got an artillery piece that moves. (Seriously.) Then again, even those have a little metal to help. Not a lot, but still something.
Designing a tank so its entire crew is OUTSIDE of the armour is..let’s call it highly unergonomic.
September 19th, 2009 at 11:19 pm
#8’s rotor blade system has actually been tried many times in real life:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Intermeshing_rotors
August 30th, 2009 at 7:47 am
What the hell is a “Remote Piloted Vehicle” anyway? Isn’t that an oxymoron? If it’s remote you pilot it from a distance. If it’s piloted, you don’t need a freakin remote!
Funny article though.
August 28th, 2009 at 5:54 am
I seriously owned more than half of these! LOL
August 16th, 2009 at 6:42 pm
You guys forgot the Bridge Layer. That was one useless vehicle, I don’t think they went everywhere that had an impasse to cross over.
August 14th, 2009 at 11:05 am
I think in HASBRO’s defense, some of the toys although not practical gave inspiration and ideas to people who played with them.
August 12th, 2009 at 8:16 pm
Loved G.I. JOE as a kid. Great article for the nastalga if for nothing else. By the way, the small Joes were way cooler than the 12 inch. If you wanted the full 12 inches you should have gotten a Barbie.
August 12th, 2009 at 10:55 am
[...] [...]
August 12th, 2009 at 6:56 am
Oh my god my ribs hurt!! Have been laughing my a** off! I used to eat, sleep and breath G.I Joe, back then these were the coolest looking “must have” vehicles. So nostalgic, silly, but nostalgic.
August 11th, 2009 at 1:44 pm
I noticed that every box had in small writing: (Weapon doesn’t shoot)
Wow no one could have guessed
August 9th, 2009 at 8:30 pm
The Mamba actually worked, as seen on: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pQyAz3W1Sy4
August 5th, 2009 at 5:22 pm
these arent stupid these are awesome
August 3rd, 2009 at 3:55 pm
Those midget GI Joes suck. I wish they didn’t get rid of the 12 inch ones, and with that new GI Joe movie coming out, that only means more cheapass Midget soldiers.
God, please make hasbro bankrupt for screwing little childeren with gay figures and Dora.
August 1st, 2009 at 7:58 pm
I had FIVE of these vehicles, plus 100+ soldiers. Good god, my parent’s loved me!!!
August 1st, 2009 at 12:30 pm
i used to own the r.p.v., meandog, the pogo, the mamba, the flight pod, and buzz boar, and i enjoyed using them in my battles, even so much that i wanted to order more vehicles from the internet off of a website of which im a regular customer. G.i.joe was meant to have futuristic weapons and vehicles, as did Cobra. If anyone actually watched the cartoon, or read the comic, the characters were specialists in different areas, and merged together to form the fighting force of gijoe.
July 26th, 2009 at 7:17 pm
These toys are made to kids, just to play, not for learn mechanics or phisics. on their imagination they work fine to his purpose.
July 25th, 2009 at 7:45 pm
CobraMuthaEffa, if you ever see this… it’s going to be ok. Relax. I wish the transition from vehicle to vehicle was flushed out a bit more, instead of kind of a picture book approach, as far as the article goes.. but it was fairly funny just to see the collection of them. Some of the shit WAS pretty stupid when you really examined it, and yeah it’s totally fantasy, but that’s kind of why the WHAT THE SHIT IS THIS?? commentary ends up being funny. My opinion, anyway.
July 20th, 2009 at 5:26 pm
In an attempt to cover all the bases here… This article had mediocre at best: “eh” humor, poor evaluation and just a general lack of knowledge of real world military craft and toy made in the 80s. Why try to define TOYS by realistic standards? They are fantasy TOYS with elements from real world counterparts. Dual helicopter blades: you must not be familiar with helicopter history or 3-point perspective for that matter. Guys hanging off the side: watch SWAT teams and SPEC ops units. Not to mention these where vehicles centered around the main toy of ACTION FIGURES. Your list would gave been much funnier with the inclusion of the really stupid ones at the end of the toy line in the mid-90s. You are dumping on several classics like the Trubble Bubble, the HISS (are you serious?) and the Night Raven which in my opinion kicks SR-71 ass. The Rattler is not an A-10 retards. The turret references WWII aircraft that had defensive turrets. I get it, its a list poking fun at an old retro toy… its just not very good. Next time try Pokemon or something stupid like that.
To Scoobie331 who wrote: “another thing i was thinking, since we’re on the subject, Hasbro’s re-releasing a lot of this shit for the 25th anniversary of g i Joe: a real American hero. i would personally like to see some cobra super vehicles from the cartoon. remember the giant cobra robot that fought the stone Kali robot in south America (?!?!?) or the giant cobra faced VTOL super jet, or the sea serpent from ” bazooka saw a sea serpent” or even the enormous cobra flying saucer from the intro, kind of like a USS flag play set. speaking of the flagg, how about the huge osprey that slapped into it and 86′d it? or even cobra’s flying aircraft carrier? (apparently M.A.R.S. sells to both cobra and S.H.E.I.L.D.) all I’m saying is I just turned thirty and I’d drop cash on all of them in a heart beat. easily. lets all bitch to Hasbro. maybe they’ll actually listen for a change if we complain en masse.”
dude it totally remember that big ass Cobra robot fighting that Golem in some South American jungle. They where looking for the components to a Cobra super weapon. The VTOL Jet with the cobra head was so bad-ass. I drew that shit all over my work in the 2nd grade. I’ve seen a lot of GI Joe toys in TARGET lately.
Oh and BIGMIKE: you are really fucking gay for a lame ass pointless comment.
July 11th, 2009 at 1:00 am
Like to watch Stargate Atlantis episodes and also Lost. I found your blog on google and read a few of your other posts. I just added you to my Google News Reader. Look forward to reading more from you in the future.
July 1st, 2009 at 5:27 pm
GI Joe is really fucking gay
June 25th, 2009 at 7:26 pm
“I’d like to note that #6 is an actual plane. It is a Lockheed SR-71 variant called the M-21, which has a drone on it’s back called the D-21.”
Albeit clunkier and Russian-ey, and stupid.
June 5th, 2009 at 10:06 pm
#8 is too awesome for words… I squirted myself on that one…
June 5th, 2009 at 9:33 pm
I’d like to note that #6 is an actual plane. It is a Lockheed SR-71 variant called the M-21, which has a drone on it’s back called the D-21.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lockheed_D-21/M-21
June 5th, 2009 at 1:25 pm
Not only did they ruin the badass look of my Warthog by painting it blue (WTF?!) and adding the gay little turret, but they pretty much ruined the design.
Three engines? Two on the wings?
Did they even know what the A10 was made for?
June 5th, 2009 at 8:36 am
i had the hiss, the buzzboar and the snowcat….glorious days indeed. he should do a follow-up post about those lame ass base sets that Hasbro put out….I had two.
June 5th, 2009 at 7:33 am
I had the HISS, Devilfish, FANG, Rattler, and Night Raven.
I can understand bashing the Devilfish (my aunt got me that for a birthday and I thought it sucked even then), but the Rattler added another freakin’ engine to the Warthog. With three engines, tt can probably go at least 150 MPH!
The Night Raven was the one toy (besides the Autobot Omega Supreme) that made my friends jealous as hell. That thing was bad-ass. Then the jerks on my street all got Nintendos and I had to beg them to play Mario. Bastards.
June 5th, 2009 at 6:15 am
Hi Harry. You join the vast ranks of people on the internet who just “don’t get it”.
May 28th, 2009 at 3:27 pm
What the hell is wrong with you? You’ve listed some of the greatest and most-coveted Joe toys ever. The only reasoning I can see for you pooh-pooing such greats as the Snow-Cat, the Hiss, the Rattler and the Devilfish were that your mommy couldn’t buy you any of ‘em. Sucks to be a welfare brat, don’t it?
May 21st, 2009 at 1:00 pm
[...] permalink Check out these GI Joe vehicles. Cracked did a peice on it awhile back. Pretty funny stuff. I had most of these. However, at least these were toys and not a real thing like this other stuff. They might have gotten their inspiration from the Joe toys =) The 20 Stupidest GI Joe Vehicles Ever | Cracked.com [...]
May 11th, 2009 at 12:32 am
The Mamba rotors are actually based on stuff that’s in use, and yeah, the rotors actually go off at angles and cross over one another just like that. The Russians primarily use them; you can apparently get pretty high forward speeds and no need for a tailwheel or other compensatory thrust.
The thing’s purple, though. Seriously. It’s freakin’ purple. And launches little sub-ships. How do those get back on?
May 6th, 2009 at 4:36 pm
[...] http://www.cracked.com/blog/the-20-stupidest-gi-joe-vehicles-ever/ [...]
May 3rd, 2009 at 9:10 am
[...] http://www.cracked.com/blog/the-20-stupidest-gi-joe-vehicles-ever/ [...]
May 1st, 2009 at 10:03 pm
another thing i was thinking, since we’re on the subject, Hasbro’s re-releasing a lot of this shit for the 25th anniversary of g i Joe: a real American hero. i would personally like to see some cobra super vehicles from the cartoon. remember the giant cobra robot that fought the stone Kali robot in south America (?!?!?) or the giant cobra faced VTOL super jet, or the sea serpent from ” bazooka saw a sea serpent” or even the enormous cobra flying saucer from the intro, kind of like a USS flag play set. speaking of the flagg, how about the huge osprey that slapped into it and 86′d it? or even cobra’s flying aircraft carrier? (apparently M.A.R.S. sells to both cobra and S.H.E.I.L.D.) all I’m saying is I just turned thirty and I’d drop cash on all of them in a heart beat. easily. lets all bitch to Hasbro. maybe they’ll actually listen for a change if we complain en masse.
May 1st, 2009 at 9:49 pm
the night raven, rattler, moray, and mamba are pretty tight if you loose the stupidity. and the pogo battle ball is actually pretty fucking serious when you run it through a program, believe it or not. my cousin, who has way to much free time, used his math skills to figure out the battle balls performance specs. he then showed me a simulation between a battle ball and an f-18 super hornet. the hornet lost horribly. i lost twenty on the hornet, also. apparently, between the sheer speed of acceleration coupled with turn on a dime acrobatics makes this thing really lethal. he actually wants to build an unarmed one. I’m sure if he makes it you’ll read about it. we live in NY, i can just picture this schmuck stuck in the wires on the Brooklyn bridge. I’ll let you guys know in advance, that way when he gets stuck we can collectively point and go ha!
April 26th, 2009 at 1:33 am
Very funny. I recall even as a young child wondering how what I would have then referred to as “fire” from the missiles wasn’t burning my Joes that were so clearly seated or standing right next to where those missiles were launching from. That said, not all of these vehicles listed seem so horribly impracticle. Plus, the whole thing that was great about these toys was for me at least, how they used to fire up my imagination. If you just use your imagination, you can overcome most of those design flaws. =) Now, for those of you getting upset by this list, remember its just for a laugh. Keep your sense of humor!
April 23rd, 2009 at 12:51 pm
And this is why I played with these vehicles for my barbies instead of those stupid convertables. Haha The amount of weapontry found on them always, without fail, made me laugh. So I would have big busted barbie in the front while her little pets rode in and around and together we made evil plans to thwart my brother’s G.I. Joe dolls because damn them, they had more flexible appendiges that barbies did!
April 6th, 2009 at 10:48 pm
Shit, that brings me back. I think I had almost all of the older ones, but by the late 80’s those toy’s were starting to get pretty “funny”.
I remember getting the “Snow cat” and always trying to come up with ideas about why they were using it when it wasn’t snowing; which it never was in my living room.
March 25th, 2009 at 12:03 am
Great article man…but you limited your choice to 20? Seriously?
You’re implying that any GI Joe vehicle stands a snow ball’s chance in hell when coming up on the “common sense” test.
C’mon if you’re going to knock toys for their lack of adult logic, hit’em all!
Of course, we’ll just ignore the fact that Hasbro is aiming for children under 10…nevertheless great article.
February 4th, 2009 at 6:27 pm
[...] another note, check this list of the 20 stupidest G.I Joe Vehicles ever and count how many you owned. We had 4 of them, and funnily enough the first one my mum ever bought [...]
January 7th, 2009 at 11:11 pm
Di anyone notice how the black GI JOE in #7 has a huge machine gun while the whit guy in front of him had a dinky little one?
December 26th, 2008 at 12:26 am
[...] December 26, 2008 by johnnyrockshard The 20 Stupidest GI Joe Vehicles Ever | Cracked.com. [...]
December 18th, 2008 at 9:35 pm
[...] http://www.cracked.com/blog/the-20-stupidest-gi-joe-vehicles-ever/ [...]
December 17th, 2008 at 6:32 pm
The daul plane thingy with the humping, looks alot like a SR-71 “Blackbird”
It’s a spy plane, the fastest on earth, often with drones. No guns though.
December 17th, 2008 at 12:04 pm
‘In the real world, the A-10 Warthog is one badass looking plane. Here Cobra’s attempted to make it better by adding what I’m going to go ahead and describe as “a gay little turret.”’
Laughed my fucking arse off at this line! Then you delivered another cracker with ‘This makes me wonder if anyone at Hasbro understands any properties of rocket exhaust other than “orange.”’
December 17th, 2008 at 6:50 am
???????? | ????????????? ??? ?? ????? ????? ? ?? http://p1p3.net ???? ?? ??? ?? ? ???????? ??????? ?
December 16th, 2008 at 9:56 pm
Also, after reading the comments, I especially like how people are upset that “real world logic” was applied to these toys. That’s what makes it funny.
Sure, they were fun toys. But when I was four, loose soil was a fun toy. Being somewhat poor as a kid, box art was how I interacted with most toys, too, so this send-up of the things that fired those tiny little neurons 15 years ago is entirely hilarious to me.
Keep crying, guys. The fact that you’re desperately defending a toy line 20 years old as soberly–or moreso–than people defending their Presidential picks two months ago is troubling.
December 16th, 2008 at 9:43 pm
Great. I have hiccups and I’m laughing so hard I almost threw up twice.
December 15th, 2008 at 1:37 pm
Wow, you brought back some memories. I actually had the Cobra Night Raven! I forgot all about that thing and at the time thought it was the coolest toy in my arsenal. This is funny stuff for real…just classic. I actually miss my Night Raven, lol.
December 13th, 2008 at 4:47 pm
Hilariosity!
December 12th, 2008 at 3:00 am
[...] is fantastic. Number 8 is especially [...]
December 11th, 2008 at 4:35 pm
i just love how the driver of the #1 vehicle is only wearing a muscle shirt for protection and the driver of vehicle #3 appears to be a baseball player
December 11th, 2008 at 4:12 am
You may joke but these were the days when toys were badass and reasonably priced :P.
I think shit hit the fan when GI JOE ‘extreme’ hit the market. One too many bitchy moms sued because their retard kids shot themselves in the eye >:(.
I remember when GI Joe’s sort of came back, the joints were no longer made of metal but plastic and didn’t bend at all because of friction :P.
Oh…and they were about twice as expensive for half as many in a pack.
December 10th, 2008 at 1:19 pm
[...] 20 of the stupidest vehicles ever conceived in the G.I. Joe universe. Why the Cobra Pogo Ballistic Battle Ball didn’t get the number one slot is a mystery. [...]
December 10th, 2008 at 10:49 am
[...] http://www.cracked.com/blog/the-20-stupidest-gi-joe-vehicles-ever/ [...]
December 9th, 2008 at 9:55 am
The rotors on #8, the “Mamba”, angle out a bit so that they can rotate through each other’s arc, though on the toy they probably whack into each other a lot.
The design is presumably inspired by the real-life HH-43 “Husky” helicopter that performed pilot rescues in Korea
http://hh43b-husky.net/
One can be seen in action in the film “The Bridges of Toko-Ri” (the pilot is played by Mickey Rooney(!))
December 8th, 2008 at 4:30 pm
Oh man I actually still have Numbers: 19, 17, 16, 7 & 6. And damn I really want to get them out and display them now
Shame they didn’t mention “Rolling Thunder” which was probably my fav G.I. Joe toy!
I used to ache for that damn thing, then I finally got it, and just stared at it being proud
Next to that space shuttle my parents wouldn’t let me have
December 8th, 2008 at 11:50 am
The Night Raven was based on the SR-71 and the early designs featured a remote drone where the second plane was located on the toy. This was dropped from the design. So some of the outrageous designs from GI Joe were not so ridiculous as some might think. Ever see the movie “The Pentagon Wars,” that movie hilariously shows the mentality that goes behind the design of military hardware. More recently there was an episode of “Movies that shook the world” on AMC, where the influence of “2001: A Space Odyssey” is examined. When then President Nixon asked NASA what was the next major project after the Apollo missions, NASA said everything in the movie.
December 8th, 2008 at 1:21 am
[...] For my Father, 20 worst GI Joe Vehicles Ever [...]
December 7th, 2008 at 4:16 am
I still have the Night Raven. Why? Because it’s awesome! The Buzz Boar is pretty sweet too. You don’t even have to take it up the ass and orally pleasure the controls in order for it to work either.
December 5th, 2008 at 7:31 pm
the cobra HISS tank is cool what r u takin about
December 5th, 2008 at 3:10 pm
[...] The 20 stupidest G.I. Joe vehicles ever - Cracked [...]
December 5th, 2008 at 3:07 pm
i think the rolling thunder deserved at least honorable mention for having all the classic features: big glass cockpit, ability to launch small, gay version of itself, over 80% of its mass made up of cannons and missiles, crew areas easily reached by missile exhaust, and several dozen easily losable non-launching projectiles. that aside, it was the last g.i. joe i ever got, and it will always have a place in my heart.
December 4th, 2008 at 6:49 pm
I had the Cobra Night Raven! And a few others that are not listed here. Damn, those were great days! Too bad my parents won’t buy more toys to me… only to my baby daughter.
December 3rd, 2008 at 12:47 am
The most disgusting cyst exploding ever. Why do I keep watching this shit?
http://www.tokillfor.com/view_video.php?viewkey=152ecd0daac6d655352c
December 2nd, 2008 at 10:01 pm
[...] about this one? The 20 Stupidest GI Joe Vehicles Ever | Cracked.com __________________ I like my headlights big and round YouTube - VS headquarters on the [...]
December 2nd, 2008 at 7:42 pm
Hahaha. I remember some of those.
December 2nd, 2008 at 1:44 pm
What a lame ass article. Keep the format and pictures and re-write until funny.
December 2nd, 2008 at 7:48 am
I just found some of he photos on another rich woman seeking fun site****** W e a l t h y s o u l M a t e .C O M ********** , but my question is what he is doing with such a service.
December 1st, 2008 at 11:14 pm
I like Sergeant Slaughter’s saucy little moustache. I bet all the boys in the mess hall rag on him for the amount of time he spends grooming it, but he’s a strong guy. Not one for peer pressure.
TOOT ON
December 1st, 2008 at 3:50 pm
#15 Devilfish: The scuba diver was sitting on the left engine when the asshole driving wanted to mess with him by jerking the wheel and hitting that manatee.
December 1st, 2008 at 2:18 am
The BFG on#7 is manned by Bo Jackson and it comes with an action figure of Freddie Mercury.
November 30th, 2008 at 11:23 pm
ya i dunno ’bout that, that flight pod looked pretty bad ass.
November 30th, 2008 at 6:28 pm
This was funny but, it felt like it was thrown together quickly.
there are many more vehicles in thejoe universe that you could have ripped, it felt like you had only these 20 pics. or you were making more fun of marketing images than the acctual vehicles..
still funny though
November 30th, 2008 at 4:07 pm
You just named like 80% of the G.I. Joe vehicles. You also included the Snow Cat? One of the most exciting toys ever made. Bad form!
November 30th, 2008 at 8:57 am
I just found some of he photos on another rich woman seeking fun site****** W e a l t h y s o u l M a t e .C O M ********** , but my question is what he is doing with such a service.
November 30th, 2008 at 12:38 am
The coolest thing about the 12″ GI Joe toys is that your Barbies could fit in the vehicles.
November 29th, 2008 at 9:45 pm
At least with #5 you get a free FRIDGE action figure. #9 and #4 come with a free super trooper. How cool is that!?
November 29th, 2008 at 8:16 pm
#6 looks suspiciously similar to the AR-71 Blackbird. hmm… I see what they did there.
#14 looks like it would work perfectly- at decapatating the pilot.
and In #10 he’s obviously hunting some whales.
November 29th, 2008 at 4:06 pm
Just thought i’d let you all know that the new GI JOE movie will suck balls if Sargent Slaughter dosen’t have a cameo.
just venting.
November 29th, 2008 at 1:39 am
I loved this list except #1 was rather anticlimactic. I’m not sure I’d put it on here at all. Instead, my #1 stupidest GI Joe vehicle ever would be Serpentor’s flying throne. I think it was called the Air Chariot. Two reasons why:
1. It was essentially a jetpack for a guy wearing a CAPE. And you know that cape was made out of synthetic fibers that would just burst into flames with one spark.
2. In the GI Joe movie, one of the Joes points this out. Simply for having its major design flaw actually pointed out within the GI Joe universe should have put it at the top of the list.
November 29th, 2008 at 12:08 am
I awlays kinda enjoyed pitting my GI Joe toys against my Star Wars toys. Since none of the characters really died in either universe it seemed like a good idea at the time.
November 28th, 2008 at 11:05 am
The S.H.A.R.K. was pretty insipid as well. the figure that came worth it was the most worthless GI Joe figure ever - Only the arms posed up and down, couldnt carry a weapon, glass dome fixed to the head. Sure you could use a pump to make him ‘dive’ but the guy was in a freaking flying submarine, who says the guy ever has to get out of the damn thing?!?
As for the HAVOC, you forgot to mention the guys driving had to be in a prone position, which is beyond crazy…
November 28th, 2008 at 12:51 am
Sad to see that some people never enjoyed their childhood. Toyless probably and had no friends to play with. Imagination doesn’t have to be so realistic buddy.
November 27th, 2008 at 9:04 pm
Wow…just kind of phoned this one in, huh?
November 27th, 2008 at 5:54 pm
This post was so funny. I did not only laugh out loud, I almost freaking pissed myself. Triple kudos to your post!
November 27th, 2008 at 4:52 pm
All these cobra vehicles….I think they should have spent their military budget on marksmanship training for their troops. Where did they recruit? Terrorist school for the cross eyed? To use an old phrase they couldn’t hit sand if they fell off a camel.
I didn’t buy/own many G.I. Joes growing up. I could only afford the plastic army men. But I did follow wrestling as much as I could as an early smark. At one point, after the first gulf war, the WWF decided to have Sgt. Slaughter turn traitor and become an Iraqi sympathizer, thus drawing intense “Heel Heat”. I always wondered why they didn’t have the cartoon G.I. Joe Slaughter do the same…they just kept him the same as always. Guess after marketing him as a Real American Hero, they decided the best reaction would be no reaction.
November 27th, 2008 at 1:05 pm
A battle ball?
That too a pogo ballistic one?
WTF ?!?
And how come that was not number 1?
November 27th, 2008 at 12:53 pm
did any one else notice the free William “refrigerator” Perry action figure on number 5? Damn, what I would do.
November 27th, 2008 at 12:17 pm
Hasbro was apparently in an agreement with the WWF to start easing young children into watching wrestling, HEY KIDS GUESS WHAT?! YOUR FAVORITE G.I. JOE CHARACTER NOW IS REAL AND TAKING DOWN TERRORISTS IN THE SQUARED CIRCLE! SEE SERGEANT SLAUGHTER TAKE ON THE IRON SHEIK!!!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f3yb931_SXE
November 27th, 2008 at 11:43 am
Seeing all of those older GI Joe vehicles sure brought back a lot of great memories for me. I must’ve owned all of those at one point. We never could afford the new stuff but I would trade with other kids and was a pretty good trader I guess.
I enjoy thinking back on old toys and GI Joe especially.
November 27th, 2008 at 8:26 am
oh and collecting from 1960’s, get a life you douche!!! its just a humorous list for fun. loosen up or have a heart attack already and leave the instanets alone!!!
November 27th, 2008 at 8:10 am
the 80’s joes were superior!!! also i would gladly take any of these vehicles in my cobra army. now you know, and knowing is half the battle (fist pump in the air!!!!!!!)
November 27th, 2008 at 5:45 am
JohnnyRebelwhiteout Says:
November 25th, 2008 at 3:48 pm
glendoor42 YOU ARE the cock sucking pansy. 12 inch joes were DOLLS. 1980’s GI JOE WAS SUPERIORITY. I would slit your sissy throat in real life.
Bright yellow, blue, orange etc. uniforms, bright red, yellow weapons, etc. Mini-doll “wannabees” to the original. There would have never been the “little” version of Joe without the original. The original 1960’s 12″ Joe (that I grew up with) had weapons that were measured and scaled down from ACTUAL military weapons that Hasbro borrowed from the ACTUAL military. Think you can slit my throat? BRING IT ON you snot-nosed punk. You don’t bring a knife to a fucking gun fight. And even if I don’t have a gun on me, it shouldn’t be hard to take the knife from a small dicked child. I probably have around 100 of these in my collection (that I haven’t sold), and all I can say is SUPERIORITY my ass. GROW UP.
As far as this list, it’s semi-funny in some ways, but the thought that comes to my mind is that the author is harboring resentment because his parents didn’t allow him to have Joes as a child. Sure these vehicles are not realistic, but considering the target audience was 4-8 year olds, the emphasis was on fun. To purposely make fun of them as an adult only shows how petty and small an adult can be, because they are after all, toys meant for children. I’m guessing he was stuck with playing with Tele-Tubbies until his teens. Anybody that enjoyed the Joes as children will have fond memories, even though as adults they can see that the designs may not be entirely accurate for real life.
Chris Bucholz writes “before the whole thing degenerated into the sort of shoddy list-based nonsense that passes for comedy around here.”
You nailed it on this comment Chris.
November 27th, 2008 at 5:18 am
The G.I.Joe generation of American policy makers gave us such great things as:
1) The Berlin Wall crashing down
2) The Soviet Union come crashing down
3) Aiding Saddam’s Arab Iraq against Khomeini’s Persian Iran
4) Al Qaeda
November 27th, 2008 at 2:50 am
Mr. Bucholz, you are without question one of the DUMBEST human beings on this planet for putting the Night Raven on that list.
November 26th, 2008 at 11:09 pm
this was by far one the greatest collection of “WTF” i have ever remembered!
wow… thanks for the laughs down memory lane.
and what???… no comment on the get a FREE “Fridge” action figure on the Cobra POGO Ballistic Battle Ball???….
classic…. thanks for sharing!
November 26th, 2008 at 10:46 pm
stupid or not, that’s awesome, and I would use it now.
November 26th, 2008 at 10:23 pm
Crazy as it seems, the rotor design on #8 is real. It’s based on the H-43 Husky helicopter which has (warning: science content) a twin non-coaxial rotor configuration with intermeshing rotors. The helicopters had an (unsurprising) tendency to crash in high winds. Here’s a link to some pictures: http://www.h43-huskie.info/Kaman-H43.htm
Sometimes truth is stranger than G.I. Joe fiction.
November 26th, 2008 at 9:43 pm
The truly bad stuff didn’t even make the list here, with the exception of the Cobra BUGG and the Mamba. I don’t see Zanzibar’s Air Chariot, the Mega Marines, or RoboJOE (think crappy-looking giant robot), or the Ninja Force vehicles. Don’t even get me started on the Street Fighter crap.
November 26th, 2008 at 7:27 pm
Holy shit I just experienced time travel!
I replied to mefucker’s comment before it was even posted. I bet GI Joe couldn’t do that.
Booyah!
November 26th, 2008 at 7:25 pm
Hands down the best list I’ve seen in a while. That rocket exhaust comment rules!
November 26th, 2008 at 6:24 pm
You failed to point out what is more retarded on #4. Is a ground attack jet but the “gay little turret” is on top of the jet instead of the bottom. Well maybe is that the jet flies upside-down…lol
November 26th, 2008 at 6:13 pm
#15 had me cracked up…as a kid, I never noticed, but now, I’m like, dude, how the hell is he holding on!?!? Also, the POGO used to be my favorite toy!! Great list!!
November 26th, 2008 at 5:34 pm
This was great. If you also notice, Bungie was also borrowing from GI Joe. #17, the Buzz Boar, looks like a prototype Brute Chopper from Halo. The Bronco 2 to the Ford Explorer, if you will.
November 26th, 2008 at 5:32 pm
can someone please explain the text on #14 to me?
November 26th, 2008 at 5:05 pm
Great article. Funny and nostalgic, what more does a melancholic child of the 80’s want?
November 26th, 2008 at 4:44 pm
[QUOTE]I miss Joe’s semitic counterpart - GI Jew, the Real American Hebrew. His dreidel/rocket launcher was a sight to behold.[/QUOTE]
That was from a MADtv sketch that aired 10 years ago.
November 26th, 2008 at 4:23 pm
I used to have the RPV. Didn’t the back of the box say that was a nuke this thing was carrying?
November 26th, 2008 at 3:44 pm
And what did you play with when you where little you little loser. Your Barbie and Ken dolls. Rubbing on off to the nub on the bottom of Barbie. Joe in the day of the Wall. It was great in the 80’s and yeah things are different now. I just bought my kids two Joe toys for Christmas this year and they will love them. Maybe if Joe didn’t die out and kids grew up loving it and joining the army fucking sand niggers wouldn’t of tried to blow the towers. Get Real Barbie Lover, Yo Joe.
November 26th, 2008 at 3:38 pm
Wow.
That was either the lamest attempt at trolling ever or you’re fucking retarded.
I’m going to be kind and assume it was the first one.
November 26th, 2008 at 3:31 pm
[...] 20 Stupidest GI Joe Vehicles Ever. [Cracked] [...]
November 26th, 2008 at 3:27 pm
Hilarious!
I have like at least 3 of those vehicles.
I almost died after reading #10’s description.
Great!
November 26th, 2008 at 3:14 pm
“No need for kids to know about physics and symmetry or functionality in the real world.”
And we wonder why legions of children in America continue to get dumber and dumber and dumber…
BTW, Dogzilla: I would totally watch your documentary. I’m just trying to imagine someone with a pipe and snifter of brandy saying in a semi-effete Boston brahmin accent, “The Snowcat is certainly a classic of the G.I. Joe combat vehicle genre, and one with the broadest appeal to the fanbase.”
November 26th, 2008 at 3:00 pm
Sparked the child’s imagination! No need for kids to know about physics and symmetry or functionality in the real world. These were the shit! All kids have to know is that each one is a weapon of mass destruction! Cobra-la-la-la-la-la-la-la!
November 26th, 2008 at 2:27 pm
re: Darryl
“Rattler, Night Raven, Snow Cat, Moray, Havoc, Fang, Hiss, Bugg and Armadillo should not be on this list. They are classics and the most popular with the fanbase.”
The words “classics” and “fanbase” used in this context are some of the saddest I’ve heard in a long time. I’ve just gotten funding from the NIA to do a heart-wrenching, poignant documentary on the adult GI Joe “fanbase”. Expect it to be a big hit at Sundance.
Look for the Saturday morning cartoon and McDonald’s co-marketing tie-in shortly thereafter.
November 26th, 2008 at 1:38 pm
Dude, I can’t believe the COBRA H.I.S.S. is in there, the treads are designed that way because it was based on early trench-warfare tanks, which had similar angles on the front (and on the rear in some cases) so that you could cruise over a wide combat trench.
…And I’m surprised that in this gigantic list of nearly every GI Joe toy vehicle ever made, the open-cockpit submarine/jet vehicle powered by the dude in the diving suit, didn’t even get an honorable mention!
November 26th, 2008 at 1:32 pm
“This could explain why no one died on the show”
With all the ridiculously pointed guns and missles along with unarmored troops hanging from the sides of vehicles I’m surprised they didn’t wipe out all the characters in the first episode.
November 26th, 2008 at 1:27 pm
Man, so much anger over the perception of having their childhood memories shit all over.
You know what? Fuck GI Joe. That cartoon was SHIT! Back in the day I stopped watching it pretty quickly for the same reason I stopped watching The A-Team.
So many goddamn guns blazing in every possible direction to the point where it was IMPOSSIBLE that no one would get hit. Bombs and rockets flying all about, vehicles exploding every where and no one gets hurt. EVER.
BOoooooorrrinnnngggggg!!!
November 26th, 2008 at 1:24 pm
I was too old to play with G.I. Joes… but not too old to steal the H.I.S.S. from my friend’s little brother and blow it up with illegal fireworks.
Remember kids, having illegal fireworks is half the battle.
November 26th, 2008 at 1:04 pm
The H.I.S.S. was awesome.
It doesn’t belong on that list.
November 26th, 2008 at 12:42 pm
I wonder if they have any more of those “Fridge” action figures left
November 26th, 2008 at 12:12 pm
I had the Buzz Boar, I also bought it at Fleet Farm. That could be my box. You fucking bastards, stealing my shit.
November 26th, 2008 at 12:00 pm
Can’t understand how COBRA POGO were not the #1.
Rob, you are such an idiot.
November 26th, 2008 at 11:25 am
You sir, obviously received dolls and tea sets for Christmas. Your bitter attempts at sarcasm means mommy never let you play outside in the dirt, drive a truck, or play with toy guns as a child. Next article, lets point out all the stupid vehicles the Ninja Turtles use?
November 26th, 2008 at 11:14 am
The rattler and the night raven were the coolest toys. It is amazing that I remember playing with these and lusting after some then buying them with money I earned mowing lawns.
The Rattler (A-10) was particularly cool because of all of the different compartments and the battle damage. I had the one with the tiger stripes.
These aren’t stupid, just stupid looking. They play well and were pretty well designed (if well-designed is losing 1/4 of the pieces in the first week)
November 26th, 2008 at 11:02 am
I loved the H.I.S.S. I thought it was one of the coolest looking vehicles to come out (the bad guys always got the cool stuff).
I would also note that the artillery/heavy ordinance engineers for both sides of the conflict thought that the only way to make a vehicle bad ass looking AND dangerous as fuck (to both drivers/riders and the enemy) was to load every square inch with missiles. What’s with all the goddamn missiles everywhere?!
November 26th, 2008 at 10:19 am
Hey Panzer, using the word retard to describe people is insulting the mentally disabled. Stop being ableist.
November 26th, 2008 at 10:06 am
[...] Check out this article for some good entertainment: 20 of the Greatest GI Joe Vehicles Ever [...]
November 26th, 2008 at 8:12 am
THE HISS WAS AWESOME IMHO
November 26th, 2008 at 7:10 am
I think ‘obsessive fanboys’ is a rather nice term for ‘retards who have absolutely no lives whatsoever.’
Yeah, because Bucholz gives a shit what you pathetic assholes think of him. Joe B, you’re not a literature critic, stop pretending to be one.
November 26th, 2008 at 6:37 am
As a toy the Cobra Pogo (#5) was stupid. The legs barely attached to the main body resulting in a less than comfortable landing for the pilot. Even the “lets attach missiles on empty space” concept couldn’t save it. I vote it the worst, both as a toy and vehicle.
The Night Raven is excessively awesome. Including it in this list is like ripping on the Dino-riders T-Rex. Unthinkable.
November 26th, 2008 at 6:14 am
Oh come on, some of it was funny, most of you bitching are those obsessive fanboys. Your favorite little childhood toy can be made fun of too, get over it. It’s a toy. You really want to get worked up over something, bitch about that lame-ass movie coming out. Oh who am I kidding, you whiners probably already have.
November 26th, 2008 at 5:58 am
Not a bad swing at humor.
However, when writing, the author should try and really know more about the subject.
Still, some funny things, but also some “bleh.” So much potential on humor here but stayed relatively flat overall.
November 26th, 2008 at 5:31 am
The dudes are hanging off the back of the vehicles so the boxes can advertise more toys. I seriously doubt that this was a tactical decision made by a fictional military.
“Ordinance” is an order. “Ordnance” is weaponry.
November 26th, 2008 at 4:32 am
Well, Darryl, Bucholz may not know jack about Joe Canon or the Joe fanbase, but he sure knows ridiculous when he sees it! All those (snort) “vehicles” you listed as “classics” of the genre are laughable from a military, scientific and artistic standpoint. I guess they’re okay if you ignore the ludicrous design flaws, ridiculous weapon placement, laughable cost vs. power projection value, borderline idiotic military utility and half-dozen unarmored guys hanging onto it for dear life.
November 26th, 2008 at 3:52 am
You clearly don’t know G.I. Joe very well and most of your comments were not clever or funny as they were intended. Some of the late 80’s and alot of the early 90’s vehicles were ridiculous which helped cause the end of the line. Years 82-87 had kick ass vehicles. Rattler, Night Raven, Snow Cat, Moray, Havoc, Fang, Hiss, Bugg and Armadillo should not be on this list. They are classics and the most popular with the fanbase. I totally agree with the Vector. That is cheesy. Road Toad and Battleforce 2000 are some really crappy designs.
November 26th, 2008 at 3:21 am
Makes you wonder how G.I. Joe ever made it out alive. War is hell, man.
November 26th, 2008 at 3:02 am
I would pretty much kill for any of these vehicles. Except the Cobra F.A.N.G and the IMP. Eff getting shot in the head by your own tank.
November 26th, 2008 at 2:58 am
LULZ at some of you dorks with your “This is teh suck list because ___________”
Kudos, Chris. Funny as hell.
November 26th, 2008 at 2:40 am
“Famously no-one ever actually gets shot in the GI Joe universe,…”
Incorrect, in G.I. Joe: The Movie, Duke not only gets grazed on the arm by a laser, but he takes a snake to the heart from Serpentor. Yes, blood was shown.
Also, none of the commentary was remotely funny.
November 26th, 2008 at 2:36 am
This SUCKS. You use toys from the 80’s and completely blow it in the stupidest commentary ever. Don’t bother doing this shit if you can’t do it right, leave it to the one hundred million other sites that make fun of crap in list form. Fucktard.
November 26th, 2008 at 2:28 am
The Mamba has intermeshing rotors, which appear on a few real helicopters made by Kaman and are entirely flightworthy. On the other hand, the Mamba’s “bent rotor” feature was not cleared by Hasbro’s aero engineers and resulted in the deaths of many Cobra Command test pilots.
November 26th, 2008 at 2:17 am
# bobleponge Says:
November 26th, 2008 at 12:04 am
Both GI Joe and Cobra are cleverly using the time-honored strategy of “firing every single one of your guns at once.”
And then exploding into space.
November 26th, 2008 at 2:05 am
You sir, are retarded. The Mamba is on the worst 20 list?! Are you crazy?? And the mean dog?? And you can not be serious about trashing on Sgt. Slaughter. I used to have the cobra commander in the full metal body armor suit - now that was really something.
November 26th, 2008 at 2:05 am
I remember there was some kind of windsurfing vehicle back in the day. Had missiles on it or some shit. Far stupider than anything on this list.
November 26th, 2008 at 2:00 am
BODY MASSAGE
November 26th, 2008 at 1:56 am
hmm…where’s the comedy?
QFT
November 26th, 2008 at 1:07 am
wow,hasbro is double retarded.aside from the obvious design flaws,there’s the fact that G.I. Joe is in the same universe as transformers
November 26th, 2008 at 1:06 am
Here’s a picture of the Mamba that shows how the blades were angled (like Phil said) so that they don’t't hit each other.
http://www.yojoe.com/vehicles/87/mamba/mamba_front.shtml
It’s difficult to tell from the box art, and honestly, even after finding the commercial for the Mamba on YouTube, I couldn’t figure out what was going on with the blades. Escher indeed.
November 26th, 2008 at 1:04 am
hmm…where’s the comedy?
November 26th, 2008 at 12:56 am
what about the hang gliders?
November 26th, 2008 at 12:55 am
you forgot to mention that Sgt. Slaughter’s finishing move was the Cobra Clutch
November 26th, 2008 at 12:31 am
hmmm… I just noticed how the cobra symbol looks like a vagina.
November 26th, 2008 at 12:08 am
Lol @ no. 3 - This makes me wonder if anyone at Hasbro understands any properties of rocket exhaust other than “orange.”
November 26th, 2008 at 12:04 am
Both GI Joe and Cobra are cleverly using the time-honored strategy of “firing every single one of your guns at once.”
November 26th, 2008 at 12:01 am
holy shit! the comments are almost as funny as the article, but mostly not on purpose. I had #12! like all GI Joe toys, it was fun for about a week, then I melted it on a lightbulb (laser lava) and went back to my legos.
November 25th, 2008 at 11:31 pm
This could explain why no one died on the show.
November 25th, 2008 at 11:29 pm
I laughed my head off at this. There is no way that two bladed helicopter could work no matter what.
November 25th, 2008 at 11:20 pm
“Would that look like two planes humping? Would it be hot?”
At which point, I laughed, inhaled Dr. Pepper and spent a crowded few minutes praying for the sweet release of death. I blame you.
November 25th, 2008 at 11:10 pm
OMG whats sad is that the armadillo actually looks like the mobile howitzer that the armed forces spent billions on to figure out it was impractical. Christ they could have just looked at the GI JOE model and figured that out.
November 25th, 2008 at 11:08 pm
[...] The 20 Stupidest GI Joe Vehicles Ever | Cracked.com (tags: humor) [...]
November 25th, 2008 at 11:03 pm
Hahah Drew, funniest response ever….
You make me look so cool. (as opposed to my usual nerdy self)
November 25th, 2008 at 11:02 pm
This is wrong on so many levels…GI Joe kicked some serious ASS and with doing so they needed some kick ass vehicles to go along with them…How is Sgt. Slaughter going to bust some heads if he cant get to the cobras secret hide out on the forbidden island with out his Devilfish…. Or how is the cobra going to swoop in with out there night raven… Its blatantly obvious you wear one of those kids who played with his sisters barbies… hows Ken doing?
November 25th, 2008 at 10:59 pm
I recall the HAVOK and the Thunder machine getting in some kind of duel / chase in the comic - neither vehicle could traverse the main guns so they had to run alongside one another and the crew traded small arms fire - I remember thinking, even as a little kid, “Well that’s kind of stupid on both accounts” The HAVOK is pretty damn wack though…..
November 25th, 2008 at 10:54 pm
As a child of the 80’s I loved my G.I. Joes! Yes your right the designs do suck, but man o man they were fun to play with BitD!
November 25th, 2008 at 10:47 pm
COMEDY Drew, do you speak it? You’re applying real world sensibilities to a comedy webpage about G.I. Joe vehicles.
Lighten the fuck up
November 25th, 2008 at 10:27 pm
Really pathetic list of so called worst vehicles. Had the poster even owned most of these vehicles as a child he would know what was worst and best. I can agree with 5 of these vehicles being on this list but some of the others have always been some of the best vehicles in the Joe line. Also look at 1988-94 for some of the worst vehicles made. 1982-85 had the best vehicles after that it was hit and miss. If you want to add humor to this list find the really bad stuff.
November 25th, 2008 at 10:23 pm
There were many Joe vehicles which were much more ridiculous than these ones.
Anyone remember the Cobra Earthquake? It was just a huge front-loader construction truck, with the obligatory platform for BATS on the back directly under the missile launcher.
The HISS II was always a personal favorite.
November 25th, 2008 at 10:15 pm
It seems clear that Chris has only made his judgements solely from looking at the illustration from the box and has never accurately played with any of these toys
First off, the only reason people were hanging off the edge was for short distance transport. Like getting from one side of the battlefield to the other real fast. It was never meant to be mass transit.’
As for the “glass”, it’s more accurately a sophisticated bulletproof plexiglass alloy.
Are these vehicles realistically feasible? Perhaps not. But do you honestly think any of us kids back in the eighties gave a flying fuck about realism? These things were designed for fun and PLAY VALUE, not diehard military realism.
FANTASY Chris, do you speak it? You’re applying real world sensibilities and logic toward a context where it isnt relevent. They HAD to make them colorful and flashy or kids weren’t going to BUY the damn things. If you want realism and realistic battle vehicles, turn on a fucking A&E WWII documentary.
What’s next? Criticizing Spongebob for not being an accurate depiction of sea life. Insulting INHUMANOIDS because REAL geologists dont wear brightly colored armor? Slamming JEM because her use of holograms doesnt accurately depict REAL pop singers?
Better stay away from “My Little Pony” or you might REALLY shit yourself
November 25th, 2008 at 9:20 pm
#3 The Remotely Piloted Vehicle is being remotely piloted by the baseball player in the DRIVERS SEAT.
November 25th, 2008 at 9:02 pm
Poorly written with no taste.
November 25th, 2008 at 9:00 pm
This was so fucking funny!!!! I grew up with these, I was so cool to have them. Now I am laughing my ass off as to how LAME I was, thinking how cool I was!
You nailed this, you really did nail this. Thanks for making me snort like a freaking farm animal. Out loud at work. Too much.
November 25th, 2008 at 8:57 pm
what about the general tank?
i also remember a gi joe hang glider that flew like crap and launched missles
November 25th, 2008 at 8:50 pm
Re-attaching the small plane on #6 is probably still easier than refueling your plane in Nintendo’s Top Gun.
November 25th, 2008 at 8:49 pm
I think you meant “The 20 Most Awesomest GI Joe Vehicles Ever.”
Totally.
November 25th, 2008 at 8:45 pm
i honestly cried on #5
November 25th, 2008 at 8:41 pm
[...] Ever I’ve been crying from laughing so hard at this, and I had almost all of these toys. The 20 Stupidest GI Joe Vehicles Ever | Cracked.com __________________ Celani’s Paintball Dealer for APP, CCI, Tippmann, JCS, etc Feedback [...]
November 25th, 2008 at 8:37 pm
I’ll have you know I double majored in orange at university.
November 25th, 2008 at 8:35 pm
What about the GI Joe Windsurfer? I remember you could get it if you sent it box tops or something like that
November 25th, 2008 at 8:23 pm
UNFUNNY
November 25th, 2008 at 7:58 pm
I def had 15 out of 20. The number 3 and 2 descriptions made me laugh out loud.
“Orange”
Classic.
November 25th, 2008 at 7:51 pm
Hilarious article, although #8- the Mamba- the rotors do physically not intersect each other because they do not turn a full 360 degrees, they rotate away from each other and then back again 180 degrees, or so I recall. So they work and never actually smack into each other.
However, I have serious doubts that this design would ctually be able to support its own weight in the air.
November 25th, 2008 at 7:47 pm
@ veaudaux
I had the H.I.S.S II as well, and THAT thing was awesome. I loved every part of it, especially the troop transport compartment, which its predecessor lacked.
God damn do I miss my ‘Joes.
November 25th, 2008 at 7:43 pm
I never played with G.I. Joes. But I have long suspected that my Jem doll (of And the Holograms fame) was packing a couple of those “ballistic battle balls”.
November 25th, 2008 at 7:28 pm
@ Jorge:
Uuuuuuuuuhhhhhhh, whathehell?
November 25th, 2008 at 7:27 pm
WOW, you attacked every single vehicle I can remember.
Frankly, the Cobra Rattler and Night Raven aren’t bad at all.
But yes, hanging off the side is retarded.
November 25th, 2008 at 7:23 pm
I’m not sure what it is with Hasbro and the military acronyms. D.E.M.O.N., F.A.N.G., H.A.V.O.C., H.I.S.S., R.P.V. Which of these things is not like the others?
Also, can you imagine how hilarious that Pogo tank would look bouncing into battle? Seriously, if I was one of the G.I.s, I’d probably be RITLing. (Rolling In the Trench Laughing)
November 25th, 2008 at 7:17 pm
God dammit. Sorry about all the grammar fails in my last post.
November 25th, 2008 at 7:15 pm
Who wants a body massaaaaaage?
November 25th, 2008 at 7:15 pm
I had:
20 - Which I lost in the snow, but replaced it with the much cooler Tiger Force remake.
17 - It looked awesome at the time, but I totally pictured it on this list when I read the headline.
15 - Kind of lame, unless doing “beach missions”
14 - The front ball swivel gun and missiles were fun.
11 - I got this, and the Hooded Cobra Commander in a mail-away UPC deal. It was my favorite Cobra vehicle until I got…
8 - THIS was fucking was cool as hell. The prop blades were angled and such as one would pass over the other when the other was perpendicular to the other. Here is a good video of it in action: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pQyAz3W1Sy4. It freaking blew my mind at the time.
5 - I pictured this one on this list, too. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t really pogo actioned. The Pogos were just molded plastic.
1 - Fucking Sargent Slaughter! Him alone made this thing awesome. This vehicle was the only way to get him without doing a mail-away.
And now you know… and knowing is half the battle.
November 25th, 2008 at 7:10 pm
@JohnnyRebelwhiteout
“glendoor42 YOU ARE the cock sucking pansy.”
“I would slit your sissy throat in real life.”
No a cock sucking pansy is someone who throws around death threats, when he knows this “real life”situation will never come to fruition.
You can send me your address through the message system here at Cracked.com and as soon as possible I will be at your doorstep to give you the opportunity to slit my throat.
But unfortunately, you and I both know you are a gutless sack of shit and you will never have the balls to do that.
@The Cool Side of the Pillow
“The 3” plastic ACTION FIGURES are gay”
Yes, they are, every fucking one of them looks like they belong in the Village People and I’m secure enough in my manhood to admit to playing with dolls. Really fucking cool militaristic dolls.
November 25th, 2008 at 7:06 pm
I’m glad Sgt. Slaughter’s gay little tank is number one.
And “Trubble Bubbles” are awesome. I’ve always wanted one.
November 25th, 2008 at 6:41 pm
The helicopter in #8 would fly. The US built the same design as the KAMAN HH-43F HUSKIE, sans the ejectable rocket pods of course. GI Joe knows his $hit!
November 25th, 2008 at 6:02 pm
Why do I find it hilarious that the only black dude is sitting on the “Remotely Piloted Vehicle”?
November 25th, 2008 at 6:01 pm
[...] Military Vehicles. Well, sort of… The 20 Stupidest GI Joe Vehicles Ever | Cracked.com [...]
November 25th, 2008 at 5:49 pm
On #15, Devilfish: “If that boat is symmetrical, I have no idea what that poor scuba diver is standing on. A seal? It’s a mystery.”
See that small orange tab behind the fore-most white missile? The one that goes into the hole in the action figure’s foot? Yeah. Good place to have your foot when it fires.
November 25th, 2008 at 5:45 pm
Fer christ’s sake, Remote Piloted Vehicle means you don’t have to be sitting in it.
I’m pretty sure there’s just a vehicle generator where the guys just push a button and it mix and matches parts, names, and which Joe it comes with.
November 25th, 2008 at 5:32 pm
Number #2 is my favorite. You’d think that after a while, they’d realize why all the pilots of that vehicle end up getting fried :\
November 25th, 2008 at 5:28 pm
took me a while to realize wat was going on in #8 but it made me lawl
plus its great how every vehicle no matter how small has like 10 rockets coming out of it. wtf do u do when theyre all gone? how do u afford that?
November 25th, 2008 at 5:12 pm
I remember the Sgt. Slaughter vehicle. No three were ever alike. I had two friends that ordered one around the same time I did, and it was like they changed the mold for each one - or as they got parental complaints. Maybe that’s why it was never sold in stores?
November 25th, 2008 at 5:09 pm
# 4 still has me helpless with laughter…
November 25th, 2008 at 5:07 pm
Kingmonkey, were there any special Casnadian Joes based on mounties, or did you guys just have to pretend to be American? The term you were looking for is “Kick-ass-ed-est.”
I’m glad to know somebody else here reads Bill Simmons. And Miranda, it’s ok for Leia to fuck an 8 foot tall Wookie but not her brother? Girls are silly.
Glendoor, don’t pretend you’re young enough to have played with toys based on the Vietnam War when you were a kid. Your Joes wore “doughboy” leggings; admit it.
November 25th, 2008 at 5:04 pm
pretty sure armadillo is an actual tank
November 25th, 2008 at 5:02 pm
great site - Really want to see #8 assembled now. Awful lot of plate glass used in these military vehicles…. Halliburton must have the Windex contract…
November 25th, 2008 at 4:56 pm
[...] Collectively the staff here at Comedy Silver probably had most of these, but here is the list of the 20 stupidest GI Joe vehicles [...]
November 25th, 2008 at 4:53 pm
Hey I fixed your title - “The 20 Most Friggn Awesome GI Joe Vehicles Ever”
Don’t quit your day job Chris, unless this IS your day job, then YOU’RE FIRED!
November 25th, 2008 at 4:47 pm
As a fan of G.I. Joe, I was hoping this was gonna be funny but it fail flat. There were some humorous ones, but not enough keep this from being a weak article.
November 25th, 2008 at 4:37 pm
Smash The State did this months ago, get with the times “Chris”
November 25th, 2008 at 4:33 pm
The 3rd one looked like it was coming from the guys crotch…
November 25th, 2008 at 4:23 pm
This was awesome! Mainly because I used to have a lot of those. That’s great…
lol
November 25th, 2008 at 4:02 pm
you suck. these are awesome.
November 25th, 2008 at 4:01 pm
Don’t you mean a one plane pleasuring it self with a plane didlo
November 25th, 2008 at 3:56 pm
Even though the first 3 places were for G.I.Joes, Cobras have the most vehicles to lose.
Die f-ing cobras.
November 25th, 2008 at 3:55 pm
Sorry to say sir but you have no imagination and no apparent taste. Most if not all of those vehicles are pretty damn cool!
November 25th, 2008 at 3:54 pm
“# glendoor42 Says:
November 25th, 2008 at 3:15 pm
These were the fucking gay G.I. Joes.
MY G.I. Joes were 12″ tall and had the kung fu grip and had a bad ass scar on his face. Then, when the ones with the realistic hair came out , you would put him in the tub and is hair would come out in patches, like he got radiation poisoning.”
The 3” plastic ACTION FIGURES are gay, and your fucking 12” DOLL that you can PLAY DRESS UP WITH is bad ass? I didn’t realize that the metrosexual lifestyle had completely change the meaning of gay to straight.
November 25th, 2008 at 3:48 pm
glendoor42 YOU ARE the cock sucking pansy. 12 inch joes were DOLLS. 1980’s GI JOE WAS SUPERIORITY. I would slit your sissy throat in real life.
November 25th, 2008 at 3:43 pm
#6 is actually the concept for the Virgin spaceship, that goes into space for something like 2 hours… It only costs $1 million to do it… I think I’d rather have to cobra
November 25th, 2008 at 3:32 pm
What, no mention of the Avalanche? The tank that SHOOTS LAND MINES?
November 25th, 2008 at 3:28 pm
[...] Humor web page Cracked.com lists their “20 Stupidest G.I.Joe Vehicles Ever” [...]
November 25th, 2008 at 3:26 pm
re #5: “Oh for crying out loud. This is going to get someone killed.”
No. No it won’t.
Andrew, I’d just like to point out that this was an article MAKING FUN of GI Joe so you really can’t compare reading it to liking WWE.
Besides you read it AND like WWE. :p
Nah, just fuckin’ with ya man. It’s cool.
November 25th, 2008 at 3:24 pm
G.I. Joe was never big in Chile.
I now see why.
November 25th, 2008 at 3:19 pm
Good times, good times.
I had a couple of these and thought they were awesome.
The cobra BUGG was the best it had a submarine and 2 jetskis that detatched.
The vehicle i had that I thought was the stupidest was this joe helicopter/plane that changed from a 70%copter to a 70%plane. It made no sense because there was already a harrier jet by this time.
November 25th, 2008 at 3:15 pm
These were the fucking gay G.I. Joes.
MY G.I. Joes were 12″ tall and had the kung fu grip and had a bad ass scar on his face. Then, when the ones with the realistic hair came out , you would put him in the tub and is hair would come out in patches, like he got radiation poisoning.
He also had fucking better accessories, like a howitzer, a willys jeep, a mecury space capsule, a helicopter, an ATV and all kind of better shit.
And he didn’t fight no faggy Cobra, he fought the fucking NVA and he won by God.
November 25th, 2008 at 3:10 pm
#19 looks like a backwards dick/balls
November 25th, 2008 at 3:08 pm
Those don’t look too safe.
November 25th, 2008 at 3:07 pm
[...] forwarded this link. It is my duty to post, because “knowing is half the [...]
November 25th, 2008 at 3:05 pm
This is one of the most hilarious blog posts I have ever read! I can remember playing with a whole bunch of those vehicles and wondering who the hell designed them. I also had the original 12″ GI Joe along with his Intruder Helocopter and Jeep. Now those were real military type vehicles! Besides those little 5″ guys with the crotches that inevitably always broke off after you chucked them across the room a few times, were so lame compared to the original anyway. He was a real American hero!
YO JOE!
November 25th, 2008 at 2:56 pm
Where’s the Bridge Layer? It was an essential vehicle, if you needed to cross over a ditch. Provided the ditch was really small.
November 25th, 2008 at 2:52 pm
It’s funny to see their real life inspiration. The HAVOC looks a lot like a Hagglund BV206 personnel carrier.
November 25th, 2008 at 2:52 pm
G.I. JOE was never big in México.
Now I know why
November 25th, 2008 at 2:43 pm
I meant “Big” in Hong Kong.
November 25th, 2008 at 2:43 pm
Hey Chris Wang,
Nothing is “Big” is Hong Kong. Except maybe me.
“QUOTE: chris wang Says:
November 25th, 2008 at 8:34 am
G.I. Joe was never big in Hong Kong.
I now see why.”
November 25th, 2008 at 2:31 pm
I remember wanting all of those!
November 25th, 2008 at 2:31 pm
on youtube: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=763vmCrRBDg
November 25th, 2008 at 2:30 pm
I thought I would have to maim you had you dissed the HISS tank.Ahh memories.
November 25th, 2008 at 2:30 pm
Hey Ghost, why don’t you go fuck yourself? Then poke YOUR eyes out with a ceiling fan?
November 25th, 2008 at 2:19 pm
Ahahahaa! Orange…
Nice job, Bucholz. I hope you, like I am, are enjoying Canada’s latest snowfall, too.
November 25th, 2008 at 2:15 pm
They forgot this thing: http://www.yojoe.com/vehicles/89/thunderclap/
I had it, it was awesome. In terms of guns, it had the biggest, but in terms of protection, I think it would be pretty easy to overtake it after the two vehicles drove away.
November 25th, 2008 at 2:03 pm
Kingmonkey,
Yes, I want to play GI Joes. Unless you just want to mail them to me. I have them in my classroom with my Converse and Playmobil collections. I play with them during planning period
Okay, I don’t play with the Converse. . .
Still, awesome list and funny as all hell-get-out.
November 25th, 2008 at 2:02 pm
LIES LIES LIES. YeAh the Cobra Bugg sucks but most of these are great vehicles. The HAVOC is awesome and has the world’s strongest bullit proof glass. The Trple T is pure gold. Hiss, Rattler, MorAy, snowcat, night raven. ALL GREAT. I can’t believe crAcked isn’t out of business yet. IT SUCKS THAT MUCH.
YO JOE
November 25th, 2008 at 2:00 pm
Cobra Fang is my favorite- is there any scenario where the pilot is not killed as soon as he enters the battle?
November 25th, 2008 at 1:57 pm
Drat, I thought I was going to show off my tedious helicopter knowledge, but Klu beat me to it. I was going to say Kaman Husky, though.
November 25th, 2008 at 1:55 pm
If this were a Bill Simmons column, Meredith would’ve just gotten a “yup, these are my readers” comment.
November 25th, 2008 at 1:51 pm
“Next episode, Blue Laser! Next episoooooooooode!!”
November 25th, 2008 at 1:48 pm
I always hated these things. To me they were the arch-enemies of my favorite toys…”Star Wars people” as they are forever referred to. I DID trade a duplicate generic Storm Troopers for the female GI Joe characters, but that was because There are seriously limited choices for my male Star Wars characters to bang. Han got Endor Leia, Lando got Cloud City Leia, Luke got….well, he got Bun Hair Leia, but that was because I reasoned that the brother/sister story arch had not yet been conceived, so in the Episode 4 universe it did not exist, and they were free to take part in plenty of not yet incestual mattress boogey.
Anyway, that left a few of the characters with limited choices. And I couldn’t simply ASSUME that because Chewy wasn’t human, that he therefore preferred green dancer from Jabbas palace to a woman whos boobies weren’t obstructed by giant tentacles. Then again…I don’t know if those things can move independently…..Whatever…Chewy wound up with Bun hair Leia and Luke switched it up and got with Scarlett…so my mother no longer explained family bounderies to me every single time I broke out the toys.
November 25th, 2008 at 1:48 pm
Umm…they have to be easily accessible to jump in and out off. Since they ALWAYS jump out RIGHT before they explode.
November 25th, 2008 at 1:46 pm
You would think the guys who designed the humvee turrets used at the beginning of the Afghanistan and second Iraq invasion had taken their design cues from the GI Joe vehicle designers considering the lack of armor.
November 25th, 2008 at 1:36 pm
As a kid I went to Europe. My parents bought me the Cobra Fang.
The packaging was the same, except is said,”A REAL INTERNATIONAL HERO.”
November 25th, 2008 at 1:30 pm
oh sorry then blah didn’t see your second post my bad.
November 25th, 2008 at 1:29 pm
Blah You are a retard to go technical and shit. We all know why toys are made- for kids. It’s a comedy site, they make fun of things here.
November 25th, 2008 at 1:23 pm
I only got to #9 before I was in fits of hysterics:
“Imagine showing up for war one day….”
I now want to be able to say, “Hi, I’m here for war today. Am I late?”
Back to reading #8-1
November 25th, 2008 at 1:18 pm
Does anyone want to play G.I. Joes with me now? I have a bunch of figures in storage, including the supercool Cobra jeep from way back when.
November 25th, 2008 at 1:13 pm
Oh Jeebus this brought me back. Between the neighbor kid and I, we had most of these, and would haul every one to the vacant lot after school and play until dark. I knew how lame some of them were even then, but I didn’t give a chit. Thanks:)
November 25th, 2008 at 1:11 pm
My parents obviously didn’t love me enough. I only had six of these vehicles.
November 25th, 2008 at 1:10 pm
Sgt. Slaughter and G.I. Joe joining forces to fight against the evil Cobra? This must have been before he turned on The Hulkster and joined forces with The Sheik, becoming an Iraqi sympathizer and leading to their epic battle for the WWF Championship at Wrestlemania VII.
And just to kill everyone’s fun, before I posted this, I completely prepared myself for being called a fag, or a homo, or to be told that wrestling is fake, as though that’s some kind of newsflash. So feel free if you must. Just keep in mind that you just read an entire article about G.I. Joe vehicles. People in glass houses…
November 25th, 2008 at 1:05 pm
the havoc is pretty bad…but what are you doing posting all those post 1986 vehicles…they dont count as gi joe vehicles
November 25th, 2008 at 1:04 pm
By the way, this was still a fun read. It’s just been done already. Still, spanks for the mammories.
November 25th, 2008 at 1:02 pm
these vehicles remind me of sealab 2021… except they’re actually funny.
November 25th, 2008 at 12:56 pm
The blades on #6 are inclined
think cartwheeling your arms in front of you
November 25th, 2008 at 12:54 pm
search wikipedia or youtube for “kaman k-max” to see a helicopter with dual intermeshing rotors. no mobius strips needed.
November 25th, 2008 at 12:51 pm
Stupidest!? All of these unstoppable war machines were awesome! I can’t believe you left out the most awesomest of them all, though, the Cobra Condor Z-25. The thing didn’t even look like it could actually fly, but it did… then in mid-air, it would be able to SPLIT IN HALF and two planes would defy all the laws of physics and launch in opposite directions!!
And then drop a bunch of bombs on unsuspecting Joes that no one cared about like Charbroil and Spearhead. Bullhorn was another dumb one. Like the freaking G.I.Joe team needed to waste money having a dedicated hostage negotiator on their payroll. Not when they had Roadblock busting down doors and rhyming his way through those blasted hostage-takers.
And since someone wondered about the Baseball Player G.I.Joe… yes, you are seeing that correctly. That was Hardball, and baseball was his battle-time gimmick. He came with a giant gun that supposedly fired baseball grenades. Get it? Because he was a baseball player. They also had a football playing one, and a basketball playing one (Big Lob!), though they never made a damn action figure out of it.
Man, I love the artwork. Those battles must’ve been so epic, that they had to fire their guns without stopping just to get out alive, where the haze of destruction and smoldering gas-fires literally blotted out the sky.
November 25th, 2008 at 12:45 pm
Dude, the Water Moccasin was awsome. Where is this on this list of other awsome GI Joe shwag?!?
November 25th, 2008 at 12:44 pm
Belive it or not, the angling and gearing of those Mamba blades actually can spin and never hit. It was a pretty cool feature.
November 25th, 2008 at 12:43 pm
Comparing GI Joe vehicle designs to actual military hardware is kinda like scoffing at a pedal-car for not stacking up to a Corvette. The pedal-car kinda looks like a car, but its purpose is not to BE a car. It’s to be a fun, exciting toy for a kid to play with. That’s it. An adult would scoff at the idea of commuting to work in a pedal car; it’s impractical. But to a child’s imaginative mind, it’s awesome.
Those dudes hanging off the back of everything were there for two reasons: first, to encourage the kid to beg for those action figures (to recreate whatever scenario got them hanging off a tank in the first place), and secondly, it added to the dynamic image Hasbro was pushing. It added to the excitement. Looks dumb as dirt to an adult, but seems oh-so-awesome to a kid.
Also, anybody under age 25-30ish is bullshitting when they talk about playing with GI Joes. It wasn’t long after I got to junior high school that the toys started getting crappy, and the days of Sgt. Slaughter & Co. were over. Last time I saw GI Joes, they were about 12″ tall and soft. Like teddy bears for queer kids.
November 25th, 2008 at 12:34 pm
THESE ARE ALL AWESOME vehicles. what a stupid list…..
November 25th, 2008 at 12:31 pm
Way to steal images from yojoe.com and crop the watermark off.
November 25th, 2008 at 12:22 pm
I notice on many of the vehicles the “weapons do not shoot.” I guess that explains the low kill rate in the GI Joe universe.
What the hell is the point of that?
I like how they shoehorn the acronyms in. Duel Elevating Multi Ordinance Neutralizer? Really?
November 25th, 2008 at 11:59 am
to impugn any GI joe vehicle as stupid is a sin
im going to spit in your hair and tell your dog she’s a tramp.
but holy fuck… trubble bubble?!
November 25th, 2008 at 11:58 am
Boys had the stupidest toys of all time. I am jealous.
BTW, when did they run out of Snake metaphors for cobra? Was there ever a “Cobra PENIS”, the Personal Enveloping Ninja Incineration System, that would set the gi joe ninja guy on fire if he tried getting too close?
November 25th, 2008 at 11:56 am
J-Pappi, You’re right: HISS was the most kickassest (kickest-ass?) vehicle. Sure, the giant underbody was a bit of a target for RPG fire, but the psychological impact of seenig a hybrid monster truck/tank on the battlefield must have been tremendous.
November 25th, 2008 at 11:45 am
So, is it just me, or does #7’s driver look like he’s heading to a baseball game? (complete with Jersey and hat).
November 25th, 2008 at 11:42 am
I miss Joe’s semitic counterpart - GI Jew, the Real American Hebrew. His dreidel/rocket launcher was a sight to behold.
November 25th, 2008 at 11:39 am
# 18
doesn’t sitting on the outside of a tank sort of defeat the whole purpose of having a tank? The best part is if you look at the way they’re posing, and the looks on their faces, those guys are totally aware of the fact.
Not to mention the fact that the “tank” looks only a little bigger than a Chevette. (A reference lost on some, I’m sure, but hey, it was an 80’s show after all)
November 25th, 2008 at 11:32 am
I miss the G.I. Joe days. Nowadays everything is about these video game systems. Kids barely play with the good old action figures America was once all about.
November 25th, 2008 at 11:22 am
I had four off this list, god help my soul. (Snow Cat, Armadillo, F.A.N.G. and H.I.S.S. if anyone gives a fuck. H.I.S.S. was by far the coolest). I love how they put “Cobra: Enemy” on every Cobra toy in case you couldn’t tell who was on what side, or couldn’t make your own decisions about which one you wanted to be on. Hmmm, real life war/political metaphor time, anyone?
Cherlindrea, I think you’ve over-estimated your audience.
November 25th, 2008 at 11:16 am
“In the GI Joe universe, where every vehicle has about 30 guns each, with most of them pretty sinister looking, pride of place still goes to this, a 10 foot long penis gun that spits fire.”
Hey, I have one of those! I mean… never mind.
November 25th, 2008 at 11:09 am
Sergeant Slaughter once razed an entire base with his bare hands…HIS BARE HANDS! He didn’t set off an explosive or anything, he went in there, kicked mile after mile of ass, and then broke down every wall by crushing each brick in half!
November 25th, 2008 at 11:05 am
Like many people commenting, I had something on this list, too. The COBRA F.A.N.G. was indeed a flimsy helicopter. It didn’t even take anti-aircraft fire, small arms, or a surface-to-air missile to break mine. Just a sharp tug.
Oh, and I had this one stupid thing that was a plane that came apart into two pieces. The back part would become a hangglider, which I guess makes sense because it had wings and no engine anymore. But giant metal wings don’t have any lift without thrust, so scratch that. The other piece, the cockpit, was a fucking submarine! Submarine! WTF? Forget engineering challenges, do you know how long it would take to get through all the military training academies to be certified to pilot both a plane AND a submarine?!? Fuck that shit, you’d be 50 before you’d even get to use the thing.
November 25th, 2008 at 11:04 am
OMG! I remember all of these! Had a bunch too!! You need to do this with other toy packaging! A+++++ Would laugh again!
November 25th, 2008 at 10:51 am
is that cobra commander riding on the back of the HISS?
Thats why the germans lost, I see lot’s of WWII pics with hitler riding on the back of tanks.
Stay in your bunker commander!
November 25th, 2008 at 10:51 am
[...] resist the retro-radical appeal of 80s nostalgia, but the Cracked.com listing of the 20 Stupidest GI Joe Vehicles Ever is excellent. I once owned the Cobra Buzz Boar, Cobra Night Raven S3P, Sergeant Slaughter Triple [...]
November 25th, 2008 at 10:46 am
Oh, the memories…
November 25th, 2008 at 10:45 am
I had the Snow Cat, but it was a hand-me-down from my cousins, which means every single detachable piece was missing. The cockpit glass, the tailgate, EVERYTHING. That big rectangular box rocket-launcher in the back was totally gone, leaving behind this weird rotating “T” shaped thing that it had attached to. I never knew what it was, but radio equipment was the guess of my 6-year-old mind. So thanks, you’ve solved one of the mysteries of my childhood. Also, the H.I.S.S. looked familiar, but not quite “right”. That’s because I had a H.I.S.S. II: http://www.yojoe.com/vehicles/89/hiss2/ - way cooler.
November 25th, 2008 at 10:25 am
It’s sad how many of these I owned as a kid. Love the ad for the “Fridge” action figure on the POGO thing, though.
November 25th, 2008 at 10:24 am
That’s good… they should run with the same concept of the Lego Star Wars games and make GI Joe games. I’d love to see how they would actually look without me moving them.
Rockets firing and melting plastic… The MAMBA instantly exploding on liftoff… the dude in the FANG standing up and getting decapitated…
November 25th, 2008 at 10:23 am
Why does the Remote Piloted Vehicle (#3) even have a pilot on it? His only purpose could be to almost die from bullets that nearly hit him fired by guys who fail at anything but being ridiculous.
November 25th, 2008 at 10:17 am
I’m just imagining a movie based on Tom Clancy’s “Red Storm Rising”, but using weaponry designed by the G.I. Joe weapons design team.
“Sir, we have a platoon of Buzzboars approaching our defensive lines in the Fulda Gap”
“Mobilize the Armadillos, and get me a Vector Jet in the air - I need an overview of the battle”
“Sir! Radar reports a flight of Night Ravens releasing pods!”
“Goddammit! Get those captured Bubble Trubbles up there right away! Those poor riders in the Armadillos will be defenseless!”
God that would be awesome. You could have a poignant scene near the end where a volunteer Night Raven pod pilot spends one last night with his true love before heading off to certain death. It’d be a bigger hit than “Pearl Harbor”.
November 25th, 2008 at 10:12 am
That dude in #10 totally looks like he’s pissing fire off the side of the boat.
November 25th, 2008 at 10:08 am
You know what I always wanted when I was a kid? Those freaking blocks they used in every damn toy commercial… You’d see these kids playing with the toys, and there would be this wall constructed of blocks and then BAM… the missile blows it away. Why didn’t anyone ever sell the blocks? WHY?
November 25th, 2008 at 9:50 am
You know what was cool? You could just shove a whole bunch of extra GI Joes in the back of the Havoc if you removed that (totally unarmored BTW) little hovercraft thingy.
Or, you could let them all get obliterated by the rotor wash/jet exhaust/ incoming Cobra fire. Your choice!
Damn, I miss the 80’s. No…not really
November 25th, 2008 at 9:46 am
#8 is gold.
November 25th, 2008 at 9:34 am
@GSTone: please do us all a favor and poke your eyeballs out with a ceiling fan.
November 25th, 2008 at 9:34 am
Every article makes me want to wear your man-flesh as an overcoat and feed a plethora of kittens pop rocks even more. <3
November 25th, 2008 at 9:30 am
I liked the article.
For me it was a walk down wasted allowance lane. As a kid I’d buy these things and spend two days assembling them then 20 minutes destroying them.
The Cobra F.A.N.G. was the exception…I used that as a vehicle to fly around my gayest Cobra dudes. It was dainty and cute and my grandma bought it for me!
November 25th, 2008 at 9:28 am
For “The Havoc,” yes, it did have space for extra dudes to hang off the side. I had one as a kid.
I think the Joes were designing vehicles with outright mockery of Cobra’s inability to shoot anyone being the objective. That has to be psychologically damaging to your opponent.
November 25th, 2008 at 9:15 am
there’s definitely a model of total disregard for the pilot present in most of these vehicles. like in Cobra F.A.N.G., where the pilot will probably get decapitated if he stands up a little.
November 25th, 2008 at 9:09 am
Haha u dint even come second. haha.
November 25th, 2008 at 9:09 am
God, Bucholz is awful… Why’s he even a contributor? Seriously. This made me want to poke out my eyeballs with ceiling fan. Yeah… it was that bad.
November 25th, 2008 at 9:08 am
I need to know more about #13. Is the box proposing that if you send in enough UPCs that they will tranfer your soul into a GI Joe action figure?
Like Weird Science in reverse?
November 25th, 2008 at 9:07 am
It saddens me that there were 20 unique G.I. Joe vehicles to start with. It saddens me all the further that there were 20 crappy unique G.I. Joe vehicles.
How did we survive childhood sane, again?
November 25th, 2008 at 8:55 am
great job. Hasbro was designing vehicles with the idea that drivers won’t be shot. You should do a list on worst dressed joes and cobras. there’s plenty of choices.
November 25th, 2008 at 8:53 am
I love it.
November 25th, 2008 at 8:52 am
GI Joe was totally awesome, inspite of the article (great one) gi joe will continue to be a great toy. by the way i had the imp, the cobra fang and snow cat.
November 25th, 2008 at 8:35 am
Ah bollocks.
November 25th, 2008 at 8:34 am
SECOND!!! Woop woop, damn you Pratyush.
November 25th, 2008 at 8:34 am
G.I. Joe was never big in Hong Kong.
I now see why.
November 25th, 2008 at 8:32 am
G.I. Joe was never big in Argentina.
I now see why.
November 25th, 2008 at 8:22 am
First.
Great article.
Kudos Bucholz.