Science wants to build dinosaurs to fight terror. Also shits, giggles.
I was reading yesterday that a group of scientists are busy working on the next generation of aerial drones, designing them to look and behave like pterodactyls, the flying dinosaur that's been extinct for over 200 years. You'll remember of course that unmanned drones have been used with increasing frequency by the US military over the last decade, and as with anything that is new and can kill people, have featured in pretty much every action movie made within the past year. (Sort of like Steven Seagal in the 90's.) Supposedly by adapting some of the flight characteristics of pterodactyls, these crazy dreamers hope to create a UAV capable of folding its wings so it can fly around or near buildings. Definitely handy characteristics for oh, let's say, Batman, but for something remote controlled, that sounds like a good way to get your 20 million dollar aircraft shot down by someone's drying laundry.
Nevertheless, I find this idea of using dinosaurs as an inspiration for the military really exciting, because I'm pretty sure that the further we go down this road the sooner we'll get to Voltron. That's awesome. Let's see how America's enemies handle a lion-shaped, fist-shaped hole in their chests.
And along those lines, as the Department of Defense is apparently open for ideas, and as we're also kicking around things I thought were awesome in the 80's....
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5 Incredible Sources of Inspiration for the Military
Falkor: from The Neverending Story
Making a huge flying hairy snake-dog might sound crazy, and indeed it is. I can't defend it. But what makes Falkor so great is that he's a luckdragon. That's right, he's so lucky it's actually part of his genus. If we could somehow reverse engineer his luckiness, we could have a close air support platform or troop transport completely invulnerable to enemy RPG fire - so long as we remember the power of imagination.
Nazgl: from The Lord of The Rings
Technizally the Nazgl were the dudes who rode the black leathery dragon things that I'm talking about, but everyone calls those things Nazgl anyways, so that's what we'll go with. (They never did get a proper name, thank to Tolkien's almost child-like lack of merchandising acumen.) These are already black and sinister looking, like the military prefers, but could still use some upgrades: in the books they were destroyed by the bravery and character of a very small, hairy man. We probably don't want that to happen so definitely kit them out with a minigun or something, and keep them away from Italians.
Cloud Car: from The Care Bears
Not a weapon that's going to strike fear in the hearts of those who hate freedom, but bear with me. This is all about economical construction costs. You've got an airborne weapons platform for essentially the price of a beach umbrella, which may actually be superfluous, now that I look closer at it. So just the cost of the wheels then. At first I didn't know what the wheels were for, seeing as the vehicle is propelled by love, but then I remembered. They're for steering.
Teddy Ruxpin's airship: from Teddy Ruxpin
With the help of his friends and his ability to move his lips, Teddy Ruxpin got into a whole series of exciting adventures, and in 1987 was the envy of every child who had no friends because they couldn't speak. Along with the social confidence that goes along with vocalization, Teddy Ruxpin also had access to an airship, which carried him off to distant lands even though it looked about as airworthy as a fireplace. This probably wouldn't be suitable for front line military duty, but I'm sure it could be used to ferry troops into secure landing zones, or take the President on state visits to unimportant countries.
Small children: from Ender's Game
If there's one thing Ender's Game taught us is that if you brutalize children from an early enough age, they're capable of great things. Ok, just one thing. Killing. But so long as you point them in the right direction when they go off, that can still be pretty handy. Now thanks to morals, we don't live in the sort of environment where terrorizing children is generally acceptable, but if you ask me, if we're truly serious about fighting terror in all its forms, it might be time to establish a results based testing regime to find out which of our 6 year olds are the most dangerous when armed with a sock full of batteries. I've actually got a whole notebook here with similar ideas and drawings, if anyone who doesn't work for the FBI wants to see it.
pterodactyls were not dinosaurs they were a species of pterosaur, plus pterodactyls NEVER existed!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ReplyThank you for letting everyone know you are a complete dork.
I can't believe he missed the magic schoolbus! God, imagine an army vehicle that could change size and shape at will, and carry passengers into deep space or underwater! And propelled by the power of learning and chameleons!
ReplyWho freaking cares about what group a pterodactyl in a part of anyways? That might matter in a scientific debate, but come on. This article was hilarious.
ReplyWow. I'm glad I'm not the only one who noticed that he called pterosaurs dinosaurs.
ReplyTo be accurate, both pterosaurs and dinosaurs fall within the archosaur clade, along with crocodiles and their relatives. Archosaurs are, in fact reptiles, so it doesn't really mean anything to say, "the difference between dinosaurs and reptiles." Pterosaurs can be considered a sister clade to dinosaurs.
ReplyIn other news, I have no friends.
Omg, pterodactyls are NOT dinosaurs! They were flying reptiles! And I'm AMERICAN. You stupid Canadians are always whoring how much smarter you are than us, and yet you don't know the difference between a dinosaur and a reptile??
Reply Hide All See All 6 RepliesYou motherfucking asshole. You're lucky you don't live anywhere near the east coast or I'd bash your head in with my weak girl arms and impress you with my sleep deprived brain because THAT's why I'm pissed off and rambling.
I hate you Bucholz.
Oh, Canada! My something something home!
such anger! such flame! niiice. but basickly everything before the comet was dinosaurs. just watch flintstones.
@ Nnoitra: Holy crap, dino-trees...just like day of the triffids! Sorta....not really....shut uuuup!
You forgot your meds.
Actually you are a retard. Dinosaurs are repiles as they are members of the class reptilia. Even wikipedia knows that.
"Dinosaurs", which means "Giant lizard".
Seriously, you wanna go on about the who's smarter debate?
lrn2cladistics you retards. Dinosaurs aren't reptiles. They have their own branch separate from reptiles along with birds.
[...] awhile back I wrote about how the military was taking inspiration from dinosaurs and psychotropic drugs [...]
Reply[...] awhile back I wrote about how the military was taking inspiration from dinosaurs and psychotropic drugs [...]
ReplyActually, the beasts the nazgul rode were called "Fell Beasts". Not the greatest name, but it's something.
ReplyPretty sure Al Quaeda already called dibs on the children thing. And the Viet Kong before them. Having children unintentionally initiate a massive genocidal attack through command of an apparent simulation though, that has a lot of untapped potential. It's like The Last Starfighter meets... um... genocide.
ReplyDon't listen to those people...I thought the 200 years joke was hilarious. And as some have said it's true anyways... "over 200 years" = > 200 years 65 million years > 200 years!
Reply200 years?
ReplyAlso, the pterodactyl joke was good. You are, indeed, a baller, CB.
ReplyWell, seeing as you'd be above the clouds and therefore ABOVE ANY SEMBLANCE OF SHADE, I could see how that little umbrella might come in handy.
Replyi dont know, i was gonna bitch but now that i read everything, it almost doesnt seem worth it. but like, we all know that republicans fight in wars, and we all know republicans cant love. so help me out with the cloud car. i mean, didnt anybody learn a lesson from dragon ball and that cloud goku rode around on?
Replyyeah me neither
Fuck you, Bucholz! Just kidding, you know I have secret closet fantasies about duct-taping you to my hot water heater, and shaving you with a cheese grater. Oh, and funny stuff by the by.
ReplyI swear if I see one more person bitch about the stupidest joke in the article then I'm going to turn this fucking car around and there will be no Disneyland for anyone.
ReplyWriter of this arcticle must beleive in creationism. On the first day, god said let there be light, and there was light, and it was good. On the 5,800th year (200 years ago, according to creationists) god made pterodactyls extinct. Proofread your articles please.
Replywell proof-read. Its I before E, except after C. a*****e.
Fell beast seems more like a description than a name. I maintain this was an oversight on Tolkien's part. Unless, of course, he was implying that the huge leathery flying things were SO GODDAMNED FELL that they could not be named.
ReplyMaking them Voldemort's distant ancestors.
He was probably too busy, I dunno, getting laid, to research Tolkien terminology, poftry. I mean, I'm sure Cracked writers aren't high on the Sex Pyramid, but they've got a significant lead over Tolkien scholars.
Reply