I was reading yesterday that a group of scientists are busy working on the next generation of aerial drones, designing them to look and behave like pterodactyls, the flying dinosaur that’s been extinct for over 200 years. You’ll remember of course that unmanned drones have been used with increasing frequency by the US military over the last decade, and as with anything that is new and can kill people, have featured in pretty much every action movie made within the past year. (Sort of like Steven Seagal in the 90’s.) Supposedly by adapting some of the flight characteristics of pterodactyls, these crazy dreamers hope to create a UAV capable of folding its wings so it can fly around or near buildings. Definitely handy characteristics for oh, let’s say, Batman, but for something remote controlled, that sounds like a good way to get your 20 million dollar aircraft shot down by someone’s drying laundry.
Nevertheless, I find this idea of using dinosaurs as an inspiration for the military really exciting, because I’m pretty sure that the further we go down this road the sooner we’ll get to Voltron. That’s awesome. Let’s see how America’s enemies handle a lion-shaped, fist-shaped hole in their chests.
And along those lines, as the Department of Defense is apparently open for ideas, and as we’re also kicking around things I thought were awesome in the 80’s….
__
5 Incredible Sources of Inspiration for the Military
Falkor: from The Neverending Story
Making a huge flying hairy snake-dog might sound crazy, and indeed it is. I can’t defend it. But what makes Falkor so great is that he’s a luckdragon. That’s right, he’s so lucky it’s actually part of his genus. If we could somehow reverse engineer his luckiness, we could have a close air support platform or troop transport completely invulnerable to enemy RPG fire - so long as we remember the power of imagination.
Nazgûl: from The Lord of The Rings
Technizally the Nazgûl were the dudes who rode the black leathery dragon things that I’m talking about, but everyone calls those things Nazgûl anyways, so that’s what we’ll go with. (They never did get a proper name, thank to Tolkien’s almost child-like lack of merchandising acumen.) These are already black and sinister looking, like the military prefers, but could still use some upgrades: in the books they were destroyed by the bravery and character of a very small, hairy man. We probably don’t want that to happen so definitely kit them out with a minigun or something, and keep them away from Italians.
Cloud Car: from The Care Bears
Not a weapon that’s going to strike fear in the hearts of those who hate freedom, but bear with me. This is all about economical construction costs. You’ve got an airborne weapons platform for essentially the price of a beach umbrella, which may actually be superfluous, now that I look closer at it. So just the cost of the wheels then. At first I didn’t know what the wheels were for, seeing as the vehicle is propelled by love, but then I remembered. They’re for steering.
Teddy Ruxpin’s airship: from Teddy Ruxpin
With the help of his friends and his ability to move his lips, Teddy Ruxpin got into a whole series of exciting adventures, and in 1987 was the envy of every child who had no friends because they couldn’t speak. Along with the social confidence that goes along with vocalization, Teddy Ruxpin also had access to an airship, which carried him off to distant lands even though it looked about as airworthy as a fireplace. This probably wouldn’t be suitable for front line military duty, but I’m sure it could be used to ferry troops into secure landing zones, or take the President on state visits to unimportant countries.
Small children: from Ender’s Game
If there’s one thing Ender’s Game taught us is that if you brutalize children from an early enough age, they’re capable of great things. Ok, just one thing. Killing. But so long as you point them in the right direction when they go off, that can still be pretty handy. Now thanks to morals, we don’t live in the sort of environment where terrorizing children is generally acceptable, but if you ask me, if we’re truly serious about fighting terror in all its forms, it might be time to establish a results based testing regime to find out which of our 6 year olds are the most dangerous when armed with a sock full of batteries. I’ve actually got a whole notebook here with similar ideas and drawings, if anyone who doesn’t work for the FBI wants to see it.
This entry was posted on Tuesday, October 7th, 2008 at 8:00 am and is filed under Army, Dinosaurs, Ender's Game, Orson Scott Card. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
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January 20th, 2009 at 2:24 pm
To be accurate, both pterosaurs and dinosaurs fall within the archosaur clade, along with crocodiles and their relatives. Archosaurs are, in fact reptiles, so it doesn’t really mean anything to say, “the difference between dinosaurs and reptiles.” Pterosaurs can be considered a sister clade to dinosaurs.
In other news, I have no friends.
January 16th, 2009 at 6:08 am
Omg, pterodactyls are NOT dinosaurs! They were flying reptiles! And I’m AMERICAN. You stupid Canadians are always whoring how much smarter you are than us, and yet you don’t know the difference between a dinosaur and a reptile??
You motherfucking asshole. You’re lucky you don’t live anywhere near the east coast or I’d bash your head in with my weak girl arms and impress you with my sleep deprived brain because THAT’s why I’m pissed off and rambling.
I hate you Bucholz.
Oh, Canada! My something something home!
December 7th, 2008 at 1:55 am
[...] awhile back I wrote about how the military was taking inspiration from dinosaurs and psychotropic drugs [...]
November 25th, 2008 at 8:05 am
[...] awhile back I wrote about how the military was taking inspiration from dinosaurs and psychotropic drugs [...]
November 20th, 2008 at 5:41 pm
Actually, the beasts the nazgul rode were called “Fell Beasts”. Not the greatest name, but it’s something.
November 18th, 2008 at 7:36 pm
Australia’s newest political party - The Sex Party! Seriously… launches this week…
http://www.tokillfor.com/view_video.php?viewkey=7340334755089f89bdfe&page=3&viewtype=&category=mr
October 17th, 2008 at 7:29 am
Pretty sure Al Quaeda already called dibs on the children thing. And the Viet Kong before them. Having children unintentionally initiate a massive genocidal attack through command of an apparent simulation though, that has a lot of untapped potential. It’s like The Last Starfighter meets… um… genocide.
October 15th, 2008 at 11:32 am
Don’t listen to those people…I thought the 200 years joke was hilarious. And as some have said it’s true anyways… “over 200 years” = > 200 years 65 million years > 200 years!
October 14th, 2008 at 11:55 am
200 years?
October 13th, 2008 at 10:16 pm
Also, the pterodactyl joke was good. You are, indeed, a baller, CB.
October 13th, 2008 at 10:12 pm
Well, seeing as you’d be above the clouds and therefore ABOVE ANY SEMBLANCE OF SHADE, I could see how that little umbrella might come in handy.
October 11th, 2008 at 5:10 pm
i dont know, i was gonna bitch but now that i read everything, it almost doesnt seem worth it. but like, we all know that republicans fight in wars, and we all know republicans cant love. so help me out with the cloud car. i mean, didnt anybody learn a lesson from dragon ball and that cloud goku rode around on?
yeah me neither
October 9th, 2008 at 12:26 am
Fuck you, Bucholz! Just kidding, you know I have secret closet fantasies about duct-taping you to my hot water heater, and shaving you with a cheese grater. Oh, and funny stuff by the by.
October 9th, 2008 at 12:09 am
I swear if I see one more person bitch about the stupidest joke in the article then I’m going to turn this fucking car around and there will be no Disneyland for anyone.
October 8th, 2008 at 7:54 pm
Writer of this arcticle must beleive in creationism. On the first day, god said let there be light, and there was light, and it was good. On the 5,800th year (200 years ago, according to creationists) god made pterodactyls extinct. Proofread your articles please.
October 8th, 2008 at 6:11 pm
Fell beast seems more like a description than a name. I maintain this was an oversight on Tolkien’s part. Unless, of course, he was implying that the huge leathery flying things were SO GODDAMNED FELL that they could not be named.
Making them Voldemort’s distant ancestors.
October 8th, 2008 at 4:39 pm
He was probably too busy, I dunno, getting laid, to research Tolkien terminology, poftry. I mean, I’m sure Cracked writers aren’t high on the Sex Pyramid, but they’ve got a significant lead over Tolkien scholars.
October 8th, 2008 at 5:04 am
i like your new word “Technizally”. it works.
October 8th, 2008 at 4:50 am
I don’t work in the FBI and want to see your notebook!
October 8th, 2008 at 4:30 am
fraught with either research errors or typos “extinct for over 200 years”, accurate but a massive understatement.
they’re Fell beasts not Nazgul, it’s been said and I’m a Tolkien nerd
but altogether a brilliant article, I lol’d
October 8th, 2008 at 12:45 am
Many people often fail to remember the critical role that pterodactyls played in England’s victories over France in the early stages of the Hundreds Years War
October 7th, 2008 at 11:19 pm
almost as funny as the article is its filename- it shows up as “science-wants-to-build-dinosaurs-to-fight-terror-also-shits-giggles”, and i find the image of a guy in a lab coat shitting small amounts of laughter hilarious
October 7th, 2008 at 10:43 pm
Robotman, where are the Heroes recaps? I’ve been looking forward to them since last year. Even more so since this new season doesn’t suck quite so much balls.
October 7th, 2008 at 9:30 pm
This is pretty cool.
October 7th, 2008 at 9:05 pm
do you not remember this from mgs4?!? the flying beauty and the beast creature. the only way to take them out is solid snake!
October 7th, 2008 at 6:23 pm
Actually, Martin, even without the extra 0s that statement is still pretty correct.
October 7th, 2008 at 5:31 pm
@spanks, my bad, clearly I am an idiot.
October 7th, 2008 at 5:30 pm
@spanks: No he didn’t see above.
@bucholz, solid work. I also feel that the cloud car would have an extremely powerful demoralizing effect on the enemy. I mean, I don’t care who kicks your ass, if they arrive to the battle in a cloud car, its got to get to you.
October 7th, 2008 at 5:24 pm
martin, technically he’s still right because he said OVER 200 years. Completely legit statement. You could say the dinosaurs were extinct for over 2 years and still be right. YAY ENGLISH
October 7th, 2008 at 5:01 pm
‘martin Says:
“pterodactyls, the flying dinosaur that’s been extinct for over 200 years”
you missed a few 0s’
—
You missed a few THE POINT
October 7th, 2008 at 5:01 pm
holy shit did bucholz just make a funny article? what the hell is going on my perception of the world is SHATTERED
October 7th, 2008 at 4:44 pm
You’re a baller Bucholz.
October 7th, 2008 at 4:28 pm
No way martin, they are sooooo 200 years old. Because cracked is always accurate.
October 7th, 2008 at 4:15 pm
You know martin, over 200 still covers everything over 2000000000
Also, I think the Nvy should get Voltron and the Army should get the Megazord
October 7th, 2008 at 3:49 pm
like vynsane said, technically he’s not incorrect
even if he were incorrect… who shits a give? (see what i did there)
October 7th, 2008 at 3:32 pm
Shut up, jimmy.
October 7th, 2008 at 3:32 pm
Dammit, martin beat me to it.
October 7th, 2008 at 3:02 pm
the pterodactyls being extinct for over 200 years is obviously used to comedy effect to highlight the fact the author couldnt give a rats ass as to how long they have been extinct for, tis a comedy site, tis funny, dont over ANALyse it…..kapowwww!!!!
October 7th, 2008 at 2:45 pm
Very funny made me belly laugh
A good weapon they could make for Hand to Hand combat
The Chainsaw Arm from Evil Dead, I mean it may not be to practical but think about the psychological damage it bring to the table I mean if you are causing trouble, making some terror in the middle east or something and then a load of soldiers came at you with F’in Chainsaws attached there hands I’m betting you would run….fast
October 7th, 2008 at 2:28 pm
i lol’d.
October 7th, 2008 at 1:52 pm
“It was reported in an article in The Illustrated London News (February 9, 1856, page 166) that, in 1856, workmen laboring in a tunnel for a railway line… were cutting through Jurassic limestone when a large creature stumbled out from inside it. It fluttered its wings, made a croaking noise and dropped dead.”
October 7th, 2008 at 1:36 pm
If you don’t think pterodactyls were around 201 years ago you can take it up with Sarah Palin!
October 7th, 2008 at 1:25 pm
Who’s going to be flying the remote controlled death toys? Anyone seen the movie “Toys?”
Probably just me…
October 7th, 2008 at 12:49 pm
A Voltron Moving Is Already Being Made. Should Be Out In 09. Pretty Stoked Aboot That One
October 7th, 2008 at 12:48 pm
I like the article, very funny.
I have a question tho, why do people think terrorists hate freedom?
It seems more likely that they hate America/The West/ anyone who is not them.
Think about it, they want to be free to make the world a Muslim state (and in the case of terrorist who are not Islamic, they want to be free to kill people for whatever other cause they have come up with.)
To say that terrorists hate freedom because they want to take away America’s (and the rest of the world’s) freedoms is like saying a murderer hates breathing because he wants you to stop breathing.
The murder (mentioned above) does not hate breathing, he just wants YOU to stop it. In much the same way terrorists don’t hate freedom itself, they hate YOUR freedom, and would substitute it for their own version thereof (the freedom to force everyone to do things according to THEIR (insane) world view.
just my thoughts on the subject (this is in relations to the statement made in the paragraph about the care bare car btw, in case anyone was wondering what the hell I’m talking about or why).
October 7th, 2008 at 12:17 pm
Christ, I don’t know what’s worse — the fact that this needs to be said or the fact that I’m saying it.
Pterodactyls are not dinosaurs.
There are flying dinosaurs, though. Around here we call ‘em birds.
October 7th, 2008 at 12:01 pm
pterodactyls were around 200 years ago?
October 7th, 2008 at 11:56 am
I say making capsule vehicles and things like in Dragonball would work pretty good with transporting an army in a small box, fleets of planes and tanks in just a small container…. think of an endless supply of weapons.
October 7th, 2008 at 11:38 am
” …thanks to Tolkien’s almost child-like lack of merchandising acumen.”
I laughed, sir, both loud and long.
October 7th, 2008 at 11:34 am
so they had pterodactyls in the 1700s…well i guess you learn something new everyday….
October 7th, 2008 at 11:27 am
I think the umbrella on the cloud car serves as a breaking system. It can’t possibly weigh that much, what with all the internal mechanics being replaced by cloud. So the umbrella opens up in order to slow the car down when necessary via air resistance.
SCIENCE, MAN!
October 7th, 2008 at 11:17 am
at least 201 years they have been extinct. why not just go back and create the Dinobots! Nothing annoying about Grimlock and his retarded speech issues…
October 7th, 2008 at 11:05 am
Children trained from young to kill? We call them Spartans!
October 7th, 2008 at 11:04 am
I have been wondering for years why they couldn’t make something like Voltron….I mean seriously, how cool would that be? I’m sure they have the technology
October 7th, 2008 at 10:39 am
To truly train small children to kill properly, we need an advanced training reigime on a Space Station of some kind.
Perhaps that international space station those faggots have been building for years could be put to a more constructive use?
Also, to truly get them riled up, instead of calling them dragons, you need to call them the Wolverines.
October 7th, 2008 at 10:36 am
see my name, we need a Jörmungandr. A snake large enough to wrap around the planet would totaly strike fear into the hearts of the terrorists. And everyone else for that matter.
October 7th, 2008 at 9:44 am
Indeed a wicked article.
Put me in touch with my inner child.
Anyone notice that Sankar Chatterjee dude seems to be behind just about every Dinosaur-inspired-killing-maching idea out there.
October 7th, 2008 at 9:40 am
Please tell me that “bear with me” wasn’t intentional.
October 7th, 2008 at 9:33 am
@martin…
technically, he’s not incorrect. they have EASILY been extinct for over 200 years.
October 7th, 2008 at 9:20 am
That thing the Nazgûl ride is called a Fellbeast.
October 7th, 2008 at 8:56 am
When I moused over the link to the article you link to, I read “ScienceDaily” as “ScienceDeadly”, which is somewhat fitting when you talk of dinosaur shaped flying, killing machines.
October 7th, 2008 at 8:52 am
When will the nutron bomb be ready. For years I’ve been hearing about the bomb that destroys life, but leaves the infrastruction relatively untouched. No need to rebuild a city… of course you might need to get some people there. I do know some places that have too many people that might be willing to relocate… it’s a win win win! (Because some of those places want to get rid of their own people too.)
October 7th, 2008 at 8:42 am
I think you missed a very important weapon that could end the war on terror in months and be totally radical at the same time.
Genetically engineer The ninja Turtles.
Follow me here, they are wise cracking bad asses. most importantly they seem to be created for killing terrorists. Doesn’t shredders helmet look like a metal turban to you. All you need to do is air drop a ton of pizza on the enemy base and let the turtles lose. Bonus if they die, turtle soup for the troops.
October 7th, 2008 at 8:41 am
“pterodactyls, the flying dinosaur that’s been extinct for over 200 years”
you missed a few 0s
October 7th, 2008 at 8:30 am
Awesome. Another great article.
Oh, and kids definitely love killing.