Pencils, More Pencils and The Athiest's Nightmare: The Daily Nooner (EST)!
Awesome Video Of The DayThe Athiest's Nightmare
Being Christian must be hard. You've gotta sit in front of a fake lake with Kirk Cameron all day and talk about how bananas prove the existence of God. Then the cameraman starts chuckling, and you're like "CUT! What's so funny, Steve?" but that just makes him laugh even harder and eventually he has to go outside to get some air. Then the key grip starts laughing and the gaffer is turning red in the face and then they both have to leave. Eventually it's just you and Kirk, sitting all alone in the bible warehouse in front of the fake lake backdrop. You still don't know what was so funny, but by then it's getting late and you have to go to church.
All that hassle and headache, and all because Christians aren't allowed to make dick jokes. Instead they have to prattle on and on about soda cans and bananas while becoming an ACTUAL, LIVING DICK JOKE THEMSELVES. How ironic.
| Banana | Soda Can | Penis | |
| Fits in the hand | x | x | x |
| Has a non-slip surface | x | x | Sometimes |
| Has a "tab" at the top | x | x | Sorta |
| Skin is biodegradable | x | x | |
| Pointed at the top for ease of entry | x | x | |
| Chewy | x | ? | |
| Easy to digest | x | ? | |
| Curved towards the face | x | Sometimes |
Pointless Blog RoundupPointless Blog #2: Bob Truby's Brand Name Pencils
I'm not going to call anyone's hobby stupid. I'm sure that Bob Truby loves pencils, loves collecting them and taking high-resolution pictures of them and archiving them on his website, Brandnamepencils.com, and that's good enough for me. Whatever floats your boat, right? Some people collect stamps. Others birdwatch or build ships in bottles. Bob Truby collects pencils, takes pictures of them, and puts them on the internet. Good for him.
What's your poison? WWII-era?Oversized ferrule (whatever that means)? Got a favorite brand? He's got 134 of them here to sort through. Now what were those ones called again? You know - the ones we used back in grade school?
Oh yeah - YELLOW ONES.
You know what proves the existence of a benevolent and all-powerful creator? Joe Cotten, most awesome musician since God. Look him up and realize the lord has blessed you with ears.
ReplyAlso there is an 11th commandment, which Jesus said was more important than the first 10. It was "Love thy neighbour." Meaning try and help people live as well as they can and short of that don't fuck with them. Why do modern Christians have a problem with that?
Listen to Joe Cotten. He's on Myspace.
Oh Lord!!Kirk Cameron's a washed up 80'sTeen Idol on a crappy 80's Rip Off of"The Cosby Show"who found Jesus!!
ReplyNot that there's anything wrong with repenting your sins and accepting the Lord,but how the hell can a washed up Teen Idol and a Kiwi Evangelist hold a bannana in their hand and claim"It Proves That God Exists and Loves Us!!".
Uh Kirk,you know,a bannana's still a bannana regardless of who holds it,be it Clyde the Orangutan from the Clint Eastwood Movies or Catherine Zeta Jones!!
BTW Kirk,I'm sure that your wife,Chelsea Noble,probably"Peeled Your Bannana"a few times in your marriage!!
Christian Girls give BJ's just as good as Non Christian Girls!!
I would just like to mention that there is one (so far) 100% accurate scientific non-disputed rule... "Energy cannot be created or destroyed" and there is no religious answer for that (as far as i know).
ReplyB8oven has nailed it. The banana is a cultivar. It was intelligently designed - by generations of farmers breeding from the barely edible plantain.
ReplyI like this quote fromt the final words on the "oversized ferrule" page: "You will also find WWII-era oversize plastic ferrules....cool." Cause I mean, it sooooo is. What the fuck is cooler than oversized plastic ferrules? This is history people, right there where we can scroll through endless photos of it....cool.
Replyi like this contest i hope i win
ReplyWhat about the pomegranate? That could also count as God's creation, yet eating one of those things is the most frustrating experience in all of plant-based food.
ReplyAndy is right. Why turn everything into the sort of crappy politico-religious debate the dour assholes have over at Netscape when we can laugh at silly bearded men making asses of themselves and the relation of bananas to penises?
ReplyI'd much rather he was suggestively stroking a 10 inch white baguette sandwich though.
True, but the Casnadian vs. Canasdian debate is one for the ages!
ReplyIt's a video and a blog, making a joke out of an idiot.
ReplyNot something worth a lengthy neo-philisophical debate over.
Why is everyone having such a hard time understanding that bananas are shaped like dongs? It seems pretty straightforward.
ReplyI keep telling you it's Casnadian, you geographical ignoramus.
ReplyOMIGOD Canasdian Destroyer!
ReplyDicks.
ReplyPARANOIAAAAA!!
ReplyNick: with respect, I do disagree that there is proof of anything. I mean by this absolute proof. All that scientific inquiry can really do is point out that there has been a 100% correlation between theory and observed results, and, as in the stock market, past performance is no guarantee of future results.
ReplyStatistically speaking, there is always a margin of error, which produces mathematical uncertainty in any calculation that attempts utmost precision.
While this is a relatively academic point, it is nonetheless more accurate than ascribing to scientific endeavor an ability to prove anything, and I do stand by my.. err... stand.
I also doubt you really think I am ignorant, but allow I could be surprised lol.
Anyway, thanks for your kind thoughts =) And to the author of this article, thanks for blessing us with peace in a world rarely offering respite from war, derision, and conflict, which I, admittedly, come here to enjoy thoroughly. It is hard to miss the relative lack of disdain commenters on this article have expressed, compared to most of the other articles for which I have any knowledge of the comments, and I think this article has been remarkably well received. I think that reflects the high brow actuality of the consumers of low brow (so thought of) content.
Right on, and keep Cracked coming!
No. It's pretty hard to miss with your chart comparison of bananas, soda cans, and penises. But, I thought the fact they'd actually try to pass off a banana as an athiest's nightmare as much more funny.
ReplyI think you guys are all kind of missing the point:
ReplyBananas are shaped like dicks.
To Uzir: I agree with most of what you said. I don't mind religion too much in and of itself, but there are far too many men that use it for unscrupulously and make claims that are beyond even simple reason. For example, when you die you're supposed to go to Heaven or Hell. How can someone make this claim? You can't claim something to be true that you can't even test until after you're dead. It's like the Chewbacca defense. It just doesn't make sense. Why would a wookie from Kyyyshk.... South Park anyone?
ReplyThere can't be any scientific proof that God, or a god, etc does not exist. But, it's also the same in the converse that there can't be proof that God does exist, but to say "there can be no scientific proof of ANYTHING" is just ignorance. Do you seriously mean that there can't be scientific proof that if you don't drink water and eat food you'll die? Or if you cut yourself you won't bleed? Or that we don't have DNA, or if you got kicked in the head by Chuck Norris, you're head wouldn't fall off? (Sorry, was in the Barrens last night. You WoW players will understand this one.)
I don't mind if you believe in Heaven or Hell, Nirvana, reincarnation, spirits, ghosts, alternate dementions, astral projections, or the theory of Atlantis. But, when people are blatently ignorant and say that evolution doesn't exist or the world started in 4004 BC, and things like that it's annoying. I at least appreciate the people that can say the genesis story is a methphor for the millions of years of evolution.
I think that God should have added an 11th commandment though: Thou shall keep thy religion to thyself.
Hey everyone, thanks for stopping the frivolity for a moment so we can turn The Daily Nooner into a self-important forum where everyone weighs in all seriously about how stupid those guys are!
ReplyIf Kirk Cameron is merely annoying, then proselytizing atheists at Cracked is as fun as getting kicked in the balls.