Awesome Video Of The Day
The Athiest’s Nightmare
Being Christian must be hard. You’ve gotta sit in front of a fake lake with Kirk Cameron all day and talk about how bananas prove the existence of God. Then the cameraman starts chuckling, and you’re like “CUT! What’s so funny, Steve?” but that just makes him laugh even harder and eventually he has to go outside to get some air. Then the key grip starts laughing and the gaffer is turning red in the face and then they both have to leave. Eventually it’s just you and Kirk, sitting all alone in the bible warehouse in front of the fake lake backdrop. You still don’t know what was so funny, but by then it’s getting late and you have to go to church.
All that hassle and headache, and all because Christians aren’t allowed to make dick jokes. Instead they have to prattle on and on about soda cans and bananas while becoming an ACTUAL, LIVING DICK JOKE THEMSELVES. How ironic.
| Banana | Soda Can | Penis | |
| Fits in the hand | x | x | x |
| Has a non-slip surface | x | x | Sometimes |
| Has a “tab” at the top | x | x | Sorta |
| Skin is biodegradable | x | x | |
| Pointed at the top for ease of entry | x | x | |
| Chewy | x | ? | |
| Easy to digest | x | ? | |
| Curved towards the face | x | Sometimes |
Pointless Blog Roundup
Pointless Blog #2: Bob Truby’s Brand Name Pencils
I’m not going to call anyone’s hobby stupid. I’m sure that Bob Truby loves pencils, loves collecting them and taking high-resolution pictures of them and archiving them on his website, Brandnamepencils.com, and that’s good enough for me. Whatever floats your boat, right? Some people collect stamps. Others birdwatch or build ships in bottles. Bob Truby collects pencils, takes pictures of them, and puts them on the internet. Good for him.
What’s your poison? WWII-era? Oversized ferrule (whatever that means)? Got a favorite brand? He’s got 134 of them here to sort through. Now what were those ones called again? You know - the ones we used back in grade school?
Oh yeah - YELLOW ONES.
This entry was posted on Thursday, November 8th, 2007 at 12:00 pm and is filed under Internet, Nooners, Religion, Video. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
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January 7th, 2009 at 4:51 pm
You know what proves the existence of a benevolent and all-powerful creator? Joe Cotten, most awesome musician since God. Look him up and realize the lord has blessed you with ears.
Also there is an 11th commandment, which Jesus said was more important than the first 10. It was “Love thy neighbour.” Meaning try and help people live as well as they can and short of that don’t fuck with them. Why do modern Christians have a problem with that?
Listen to Joe Cotten. He’s on Myspace.
November 25th, 2008 at 10:40 pm
Oh Lord!!Kirk Cameron’s a washed up 80’sTeen Idol on a crappy 80’s Rip Off of”The Cosby Show”who found Jesus!!
Not that there’s anything wrong with repenting your sins and accepting the Lord,but how the hell can a washed up Teen Idol and a Kiwi Evangelist hold a bannana in their hand and claim”It Proves That God Exists and Loves Us!!”.
Uh Kirk,you know,a bannana’s still a bannana regardless of who holds it,be it Clyde the Orangutan from the Clint Eastwood Movies or Catherine Zeta Jones!!
BTW Kirk,I’m sure that your wife,Chelsea Noble,probably”Peeled Your Bannana”a few times in your marriage!!
Christian Girls give BJ’s just as good as Non Christian Girls!!
March 11th, 2008 at 5:49 pm
I would just like to mention that there is one (so far) 100% accurate scientific non-disputed rule… “Energy cannot be created or destroyed” and there is no religious answer for that (as far as i know).
March 9th, 2008 at 12:16 pm
B8oven has nailed it. The banana is a cultivar. It was intelligently designed - by generations of farmers breeding from the barely edible plantain.
March 9th, 2008 at 10:00 am
I like this quote fromt the final words on the “oversized ferrule” page: “You will also find WWII-era oversize plastic ferrules….cool.” Cause I mean, it sooooo is. What the fuck is cooler than oversized plastic ferrules? This is history people, right there where we can scroll through endless photos of it….cool.
January 14th, 2008 at 8:46 pm
i like this contest i hope i win
November 28th, 2007 at 9:45 pm
For more web sites about pencils:
http://www.pencils.com/ (info about history and development of pencils)
http://www.generalpencil.com/index.html (The General Pencil Co.)
http://www.infofreako.com/jad/pencil/0list-e.html (a Japanese dude carves pencils into interesting shapes, click each link to see one of the photos)
November 13th, 2007 at 12:57 pm
After B8ovin’s post, I looked up bananas on Wikipedia, and this is what the banana that God created looks like:
http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/e/eb/Inside_a_wild-type_banana.jpg
Which doesn’t actually look like it fits in your hand, or is particularly edible.
The banana that Kirk Cameron and his friend go on and on about is the result of over 7000 years of cultivation by humans, yet evolution doesn’t exits.
November 13th, 2007 at 11:33 am
What about the pomegranate? That could also count as God’s creation, yet eating one of those things is the most frustrating experience in all of plant-based food.
November 11th, 2007 at 6:51 pm
Andy is right. Why turn everything into the sort of crappy politico-religious debate the dour assholes have over at Netscape when we can laugh at silly bearded men making asses of themselves and the relation of bananas to penises?
I’d much rather he was suggestively stroking a 10 inch white baguette sandwich though.
November 10th, 2007 at 8:32 am
True, but the Casnadian vs. Canasdian debate is one for the ages!
November 9th, 2007 at 9:59 pm
It’s a video and a blog, making a joke out of an idiot.
Not something worth a lengthy neo-philisophical debate over.
November 9th, 2007 at 8:19 pm
Why is everyone having such a hard time understanding that bananas are shaped like dongs? It seems pretty straightforward.
November 9th, 2007 at 8:04 pm
I keep telling you it’s Casnadian, you geographical ignoramus.
November 9th, 2007 at 7:22 pm
OMIGOD Canasdian Destroyer!
November 9th, 2007 at 3:14 pm
Dicks.
November 9th, 2007 at 1:55 pm
PARANOIAAAAA!!
November 9th, 2007 at 1:53 pm
Nick: with respect, I do disagree that there is proof of anything. I mean by this absolute proof. All that scientific inquiry can really do is point out that there has been a 100% correlation between theory and observed results, and, as in the stock market, past performance is no guarantee of future results.
Statistically speaking, there is always a margin of error, which produces mathematical uncertainty in any calculation that attempts utmost precision.
While this is a relatively academic point, it is nonetheless more accurate than ascribing to scientific endeavor an ability to prove anything, and I do stand by my.. err… stand.
I also doubt you really think I am ignorant, but allow I could be surprised lol.
Anyway, thanks for your kind thoughts =) And to the author of this article, thanks for blessing us with peace in a world rarely offering respite from war, derision, and conflict, which I, admittedly, come here to enjoy thoroughly. It is hard to miss the relative lack of disdain commenters on this article have expressed, compared to most of the other articles for which I have any knowledge of the comments, and I think this article has been remarkably well received. I think that reflects the high brow actuality of the consumers of low brow (so thought of) content.
Right on, and keep Cracked coming!
November 9th, 2007 at 12:04 pm
No. It’s pretty hard to miss with your chart comparison of bananas, soda cans, and penises. But, I thought the fact they’d actually try to pass off a banana as an athiest’s nightmare as much more funny.
November 9th, 2007 at 10:47 am
I think you guys are all kind of missing the point:
Bananas are shaped like dicks.
November 9th, 2007 at 9:08 am
To Uzir: I agree with most of what you said. I don’t mind religion too much in and of itself, but there are far too many men that use it for unscrupulously and make claims that are beyond even simple reason. For example, when you die you’re supposed to go to Heaven or Hell. How can someone make this claim? You can’t claim something to be true that you can’t even test until after you’re dead. It’s like the Chewbacca defense. It just doesn’t make sense. Why would a wookie from Kyyyshk…. South Park anyone?
There can’t be any scientific proof that God, or a god, etc does not exist. But, it’s also the same in the converse that there can’t be proof that God does exist, but to say “there can be no scientific proof of ANYTHING” is just ignorance. Do you seriously mean that there can’t be scientific proof that if you don’t drink water and eat food you’ll die? Or if you cut yourself you won’t bleed? Or that we don’t have DNA, or if you got kicked in the head by Chuck Norris, you’re head wouldn’t fall off? (Sorry, was in the Barrens last night. You WoW players will understand this one.)
I don’t mind if you believe in Heaven or Hell, Nirvana, reincarnation, spirits, ghosts, alternate dementions, astral projections, or the theory of Atlantis. But, when people are blatently ignorant and say that evolution doesn’t exist or the world started in 4004 BC, and things like that it’s annoying. I at least appreciate the people that can say the genesis story is a methphor for the millions of years of evolution.
I think that God should have added an 11th commandment though: Thou shall keep thy religion to thyself.
November 9th, 2007 at 8:37 am
Hey everyone, thanks for stopping the frivolity for a moment so we can turn The Daily Nooner into a self-important forum where everyone weighs in all seriously about how stupid those guys are!
If Kirk Cameron is merely annoying, then proselytizing atheists at Cracked is as fun as getting kicked in the balls.
November 9th, 2007 at 2:43 am
Well, now, I view Genesis as the description of evolution best suited to the understanding of, for example, first century Palestinian shepherds.
And I agree that there can be no scientific proof of God, just as there can be no scientific proof of ANYTHING - only greater or lesser degrees of likelihood.
But I would like to offer that there may yet be philosophical proof of God.
I believe I see His handiwork in you =)
There is good in you, and the good I see in you would exist even were I to never notice it, even though I never do see all of it, it’s still there, and real. This objectively real quality, good, is a spiritual quality, not physical. The physical universe can point at it tho, and consider it, even though you can’t pick it up or weigh it in grams.
Good didn’t evolve, evolution is good. The quality good has been a descriptor that the universe fits well before we fit into the universe, and this can only be because the universe, and everyone and everything in it, is a product of a spiritual being.
This is what convinced me that the concept of God is valid. It may not be empirical proof, but this knowledge comforts me nonetheless, and I also don’t believe in empirical proof anyway lol.
Proof may be beyond me, but I am glad to share this with you anyway.
It is easy to see that many people are easily bemused, bamboozled, and bulldogged into believing things that are unreasonable. It is less easy to see that you yourself have been, but far more worth doing.
I have no problems with the essence of the teachings of Jesus, or Yahshua, or whatever His name was anyway. I have few problems with any principles of the religions I have any passing familiarity with, nor do I think most honest people do.
When unscrupulous people attempt to use religious faith to produce political power and worldly wealth, I am almost certain to be dissatisfied with the institutions and means they use, as well as their arguments. Finding disagreement with religion has not convinced me that God doesn’t exist however, nor that being principled religiously is wrong.
I hope reason continues to blossom amongst men, and that our cultures continue to benefit from it’s application to our world, our societies, and our selves. More than that, I wish the kindness we may have towards one another is expressed fully.
Good luck!
November 9th, 2007 at 2:21 am
Kirk’s special friend should look at what a banana originally looked like prior to domestication, that is before growers intelligently selected traits and created the modern banana. If they wanted to reach me they would have explained how the vagina proves god exists. I might believe that.
November 8th, 2007 at 9:19 pm
I’m going to stay away from that one. But I wanted to mention in school we didn’t call them yellow pencils. We called them “number 2 pencils”. And we had to have them for the 486 standardized tests the state of Florida makes us take each year.
November 8th, 2007 at 8:46 pm
Alex you are my hero. Not really. But I agree with you and this is cracked.com and if I don’t say something smartass in my post I will likely get hunted down.
November 8th, 2007 at 7:32 pm
Weedmaster P from Overcompensating knows the score.
http://overcompensating.com/comics/20070615.png
“The Banana fits perfectly in the human hand! It’s irrefutable proof that God exists and he loves us!”
“MY DINGALING WILL ALSO FIT IN YOUR RIGHT HAND
ALSO YOUR BUTT”
November 8th, 2007 at 6:03 pm
Agreed Jardim…for that matter, the first time I saw this video, I thought about all the stuff that “the creator” doesn’t want us to eat…like lobster for chrissakes. Or any animal.
I would like for this guy to answer a bigger question: why is god so bloodthirsty? In the old testament, you had to kill something to get on his good side. Then, in the new testament, he had to kill himself, (or his son, or whatever). If I were god, all I’d ask for is some Starburst and the occasional backrub.
November 8th, 2007 at 5:35 pm
It makes so much sense! That’s why pineapples are inedible, in fact! Coconuts, too. Not fit for a hand, hard outer shells…no wonder you instantly die if you foolishly go to the length of eating either.
November 8th, 2007 at 5:28 pm
I think Douglas Adams said it best with his puddle analogy. After a rain, water collects naturally in depressions in the soil. But from a puddle’s viewpoint the Earth is so perfectly molded around its shape that it could only be the result of intelligent design. The puddle wouldn’t realize that it’s fitted to its surroundings and not the other way around.
My point is, science can’t disprove the existence of God, since he is by definition beyond human understanding. And religion can’t prove his existence in a way that’s scientifically valid. Any arguments that claim to do either are either logically flawed, or (as in this case) can be argued both ways.
But the whole dispute is a moot point anyway, since it’s just human nature that compels us to propagate our beliefs, and our beliefs are entirely influenced by our surroundings. Think of like societal evolution; ideas that are better suited to a mainstream audience will become more prevalent. A society that has the same belief systems functions better better than one that doesn’t, and that subconscious drive to make everyone agree is the only reason that this issue can’t come to rest. It doesn’t make one damn bit of difference whether anyone else agrees with you, until they start trying to change your mind.
November 8th, 2007 at 3:59 pm
Dear YouTube,
Please design a web application that will automatically add someone screaming “PARANOIAAAAAA!!” to the end of every video.
Sincerely,
Ross Wolinsky
Cracked Blogger
November 8th, 2007 at 3:21 pm
The only thing that could’ve made that video better is if Kirk had shouted “PARANOIAAAAA!!” at the end.
November 8th, 2007 at 1:46 pm
Lol. A lot of the thought was put in long before this post. I’ve seen the video before. I was born and raised catholic. I turned away from the church starting back in the early 90’s. My mom actually thought sending me that video would turn me around. So, the analysis was done a few years ago just to piss her off as much as possible.
I actually had more points, but I thought the post was quite long enough. I didn’t realize that I’d written that much til after I posted it otherwise I would have cut it down a little more because most people don’t like reading brick walls of text.
November 8th, 2007 at 1:30 pm
I think Nick may have put more thought his comment than I put into the original post.
But yeah, Christians are dumb.
November 8th, 2007 at 1:14 pm
–What I think is funny is that we’re the only animal that eats it that way. Every other animal opens it from the opposite end, and since we weren’t here before other kinds of primates, obviously the “tab” wasn’t made for us. Soda cans have tabs, and so God put a tab at the top? Soda cans came after bananas didn’t they? There’s an out of order correlation for you. And, if you actually try, you can open the banana from the bottom at any time with a simple pinch. If you try to pull on the tab when it’s still green sometimes that bitch just won’t pull open and you just mush the banana from the inside out. Though if you really wanna have some fun there’s a trick with needle and string to cut the banana in the peel so if falls apart when someone does try to eat it.
–Besides, we don’t treat colors that way. If we did the banana would have start out red (stop, don’t eat it yet), then turn green (go, nows a good time to eat), then yellow (better hurry up and eat this fucker before you have to stop because it’s rotten). And, colors aren’t universal when it comes to food, so what the fuck is the point of that arguement? I know I can eat red, green, and yellow peppers all at the same time and not worry about it. Egg plant is black and it’s still good to eat. Oreo cookies are black, and they’re argueably the most delicious cookie ever.
–Thirdly, this guy must’ve never seen a cartoon before. Bananas are obviously the most slippery thing ever created. But, then again he thinks bananas can squirt in your face which can only happen in cartoons. Either that or he considers bananas to be a citrus fruit which can in fact squirt you in the eye while trying to open it.
–The wrapper is biodegradable! So is every other piece of living matter. I could cut off my arm, throw away the skin, and eat the rest and the skin is biodegratable, that doesn’t make it a wonder food made just for me. The only example of a wonder food made just for you might be Homer Simpson when his head gets turned into a giant donut. So, unless you’re in the desert and eat dirt like the lady I saw on the Discorvy channel (or maybe the Learning Channel) anything you can eat is diodegradable. Now that’s amazing!
—-Those religious type sure are trying hard now to find stuff to prove God’s existance.
Athiest’s nightmare is the banana? Okay, I’ll give them a point just for correlating so many things that prove God’s existance to a banana so long as they admit what athiest’s would consider religous person’s nightmares:
1.) evolution - Darwin, etc.
2.) genetic evolution - 2 humans can’t produce past a 3rd or 4th generation before genetic defects render them in capable to taking care of themselves… this is also related to Noah’s Arc.
3.) carbon dating - more directed at young creationists who believe the world was created in 4004 BC.
4.) “Thou shall not kill” and yet God seems to have no problem drowning people in the Red Sea, killing the first born, turning people into pillars of salt, destroying cities, flooding the earth….
I could go on and on, but I’ll leave the score at 4 to 1 in favor of the athiests.