Sex should above all be a fun experience. If you're not having fun, you may be having sex with Kanye West or a bit of wood. Or an old cigar shop wooden Indian, carved into the likeness of Kanye West in a curiously bi-racially racist tableau of insensitivity and artisanal excellence. So keeping it light and breezy is important, and that means a little laughter and a little silliness is A-OK. A good way to keep sexy times fun is with the addition of props. You dress up like the Hamburglar, call yourself the Clamburglar, and "robble robble" your special lady's nether vortex. Fun for all!
Somewhere along the line, the idea of making sex fun went off the rails in a way similar to how haunted house attractions were designed to be fun until they made the ones where you have to sign a waiver, and when you go in, strangers put a sack over your head, tie you up, and make you watch hyper-realistic acts of sadism before waterboarding you just a little bit. Instead of normal fun, we have the Joker's idea of fun. Instead of "kind of sexy," we have a cartoon from the mind of Walt Disney's parasitic twin who never grew arms long enough with which to masturbate. Instead of regular sex toys, we have the deranged leftovers from a Wile E. Coyote catalog.
7The Joy Ride
Here's a riddle for you: How does a busy penetration-enthusiast-about-town get their daily chores done while out and about in a bustling metropolis, while at the same time stuffing their holes like an insatiable hump-turkey? Were you going to say, "By jamming a whisk in their pants"? Ha ha ha! You should write comedy!
The answer to the age-old dilemma about porking yourself while at the same time spending a massive sum of money on a method of decorative locomotion has finally been answered by the Joy Ride Fucking Machine. It's a device straight out of a Pepe LePew cartoon, meant to transport early '20s French socialites away from horny skunks as they engage in interspecies romance with a lead-paint-infused cat.
Or possibly inspired by Mr. Garrison's It Bike.
There are two separate yet equally important aspects of the Joy Ride which you need to know to fully appreciate how ludicrous it is, and neither of them are dildos. I never thought I'd say that. But enough wistful lamentation. Take a good look at the design of the Joy Ride, and you'll notice something right off the bat: This scooter does not move. It's stationary. It's a stationary pork scooter. Generally speaking, the definitive characteristic of a scooter, that thing which cuts to the essence of a scooter, is its ability to scoot. This doesn't. It just fucks you. It's not a scooter. It's a fucker.
Extreme Restraints (NSFW)
Some sharp-eyed readers might note that you could lift the front of the scooter up and move that way, but if you're capable of
doing that while being double penetrated at 350 rpm, then you're already rich enough to have people do that for you.
The second thing worth noting about the scoot humper is not visible. It's the less tangible bit of awesomeness that's attached to it, which is the price. This thing costs about $3000. That's pretty much the price of an actual scooter. One that takes you places apart from Pleasuretown.
Extreme Restraints (NSFW)
But think of money you'll save on gas!
On the next tier of things to consider about the Joy Ride is its very physical reality. If you own a sex toy right now -- be it a vibrator, a Fleshlight, or a set of ever-widening butt plugs -- you probably keep them tucked away in a drawer or a closet. Where do you park a hump scooter? This thing is furniture. Your best bet for discretion is parking it in the garage with some upturned coffee cups over the dongs.
6The Portable Glory Hole
Straight out of a Road Runner cartoon comes this egress to depravity that straddles the line between hilarious and depressingly creative. Remember when Wile E. Coyote would paint a tunnel entrance on the side of a cliff, and then the Road Runner would just run right through it as though it were real? Imagine that, only now the Road Runner is only putting his dick in the hole. And on the other side is you. Or maybe a whole party full of people eager to jiggle around some anonymous pecker. You make up your own rules.
"And the final rule: If this is your first night at Glory Hole Club ..."
This toy / piece of home decor exists for people who want to be smutty, but just can't commit to the level of home redesign necessary to own an actual glory hole. Sure, you enjoy random penises coming at you from other rooms, but what if it's Thanksgiving and you have the family over? How do you account for the penis-sized hole at penis level in the door? Is it for passing toothbrushes into the bathroom? Of course not; it's for dicks. Even grandma is going to figure that one out. You need a temp hole, and here it is. Ingenious.