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4 Things You Are Regretting On The Day After Halloween

I hope you little bastards enjoyed yourselves. Because if my calculations are correct, whatever you did last night, during the darkest, sweatiest hours of All Hallows Eve, you're probably regretting it now. How could I know this, unless I was a witch of some sort? Answer: I'm a witch of some sort, specifically, a statistician. You see, it turns out that the day after Halloween sees an enormous spike in instances of massive, rocking-in-the-fetal-position displays of regret. Knowing that my readers are not prone to sober decision making or fudge-restraint, I can safely conclude that you did something wrong last night, and are feeling it today.

"uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhgh"

Obviously, Halloween is a different holiday for different people, their experiences varying based on their age. The young trick-or-treater in their store-bought Hannah Montana costume has a vastly different experience than the 20-something hipster going to a party in their store-bought Hannah Montana costume. It should come as no surprise then that the biggest post-Halloween regrets also vary significantly by age. I've listed these regrets below, because that's kind of what we do around here, and also because list-based material is easily digestible for the hungover comedy patron. Note that this list of regrets is sorted by age group, so depending on when you were born or your personal mental development, you'll likely find one of these items ringing particularly true to you on this remorseful November morning.

Ages 3+: Ate Too Much Candy

For people of trick-or-treating age, Halloween is one of the first real experiences they'll have with with the fallout of their own excesses, in this case, from eating too much candy. It's a hangover for children, but less morally troubling; something wholesome and ready for prime time audiences.

Recall the controversial episode of Diff'rent Strokes when Arnold drank a wine cooler and held a knife to Mr. Drummond's throat -- aired only once and now no longer spoken of.

For young children, the very notion of "regret" might be a little fuzzy. A child sick on low-grade milk chocolate can sense that something's wrong, and may even be told by his parents that his tummy ache is related to him eating two thousand sawdust-based Milk Duds the night before. But given the all-around deliciousness of candy, it's impossible for a child to grasp the very concept of "too much candy."

"Too much what? Bullshit mom. Yeah, I said it."

Ages 12+: Low On Digits

As children get older, they develop a curious aversion to the activities which only a few months earlier would have caused them great joy. Whether due to peer pressure, hormones or the urging of the liberal media, these children choose to leave behind wholesome trick-or-treating and take up more sinister Halloween pastimes, like wearing dark clothes and doing domestic terrorism. Why teenagers seem to take such delight in busting up other people's shit is still a mystery, although when queried, many behavioral scientists will cough and point at the phrase "Because They're Dicks" on their whiteboard full of brainstorming ideas.

Here, two scientists expose a teenage male to high levels of radiation because they hate him.

Industrialized teenagers, like those found in the typical North American suburbs, will often make use of fireworks during their Halloween night dick-being. How they use these fireworks varies, although it's usually a safe bet it won't be per the manufacturers sarcastically offered safety instructions. Throwing explosives at their friends seems to be a popular choice, perhaps out of a primitive instinct to thin out weak members of the herd. And because the weakest members of the teenage herd are the ones least aware of the quality-control issues in Chinese firework factories, the morning after every Halloween usually reveals a few teenagers who have traded fingers for cautionary stories they can relate during public speaking engagements.

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Chris Bucholz

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