It’s no secret at this point. Superheroes are real, and they’re everywhere. You may not have noticed, because the media does a pretty good job of keeping things quiet, but the stars of your favorite comic books aren’t made up, they are all portraits, (albeit, exaggerated ones), based on real people. It’s true.
Real people are getting into costumes to protect this planet, ladies and gentlemen, and I’m happy to say that it’s my job (for some reason) to find out their secret identities.
For my methods, I’ve tirelessly researched the histories behind 4 popular heroes and crosschecked some facts of their secret identities with well-known facts about public figures to come up with the likely candidates. Brace yourselves, sports fans, because I’m about to blow some of the most successful cover-ups in history wide open.
Captain America is one of the most respected heroes in the Marvel Universe. The result of a military program designed to build an army of Super Soldiers, Captain America isn’t so much a superhero as much as he is the strongest, fastest and most powerful human being around operating on levels just slightly higher than those of above average athletes. Fighting bravely in World War II, Steve Rogers’s triumphant success against foreign oppression established him as a beloved American icon.
The Lowdown:
The Real Captain America is a confident and powerful symbol of American Superiority with a remarkably strong chin…
Lance Armstrong
Named “Greatest Fucking Athlete” by every magazine that ranks athletes, Armstrong possesses both the physical strength and the ability to kick ass in foreign countries that Marvel’s Captain America practically bleeds. No, Lance Armstrong isn’t bitchslapping a bunch of Nazis, but he is making a whole lot of French people look stupid year after year after year, (they fucking love biking), which is just as good if not better.
A look at Armstrong’s physical attributes reads like the back of a Captain America Marvel Card, (if Captain America dated Sheryl Crow once). While the average human’s maximal oxygen consumption is between 40 and 50, Armstrong’s is 83.8 and his heart is about 30% larger than the average heart. He also has what Dr. Wikipedia describes as an unusually low lactate level. During intense training in racers, lactic acid builds up and slows a normal human down, but Armstrong’s body for some reason (magic?) doesn’t produce as much lactic acid as your average human. Without getting any more sciencey on anyone’s ass, Armstrong is, long story short, in better physical condition than you could ever dream of being. You might say, he’s performing at levels remarkably higher than those of the above average human. (Or you could skip the subtle innuendo and just say Lance Armstrong is Captain America. Lance Armstrong is Captain America.) And if you think Captain America wouldn’t approve of Lance Armstrong dominating the puny, harmless French well, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, allow me to present Exhibit Go Fuck Yourself:
The defense rests. Bitches.
Other Possibilities:
Arnold Schwarzenegger (Terrific shape, but disqualified for obvious reasons.)
The man under the Iron Man mask is the brilliant and mustachioed Tony Stark, a well-educated weapons designer with a fortune that Forbes puts somewhere in the “metric buttloads.” Stark uses his considerable wealth and highly-developed brain to constantly work on his iron suit, adapting it to fit any situation. While Iron Man is known for his support of justice and his hatred for communism and corporate crimes, Tony Stark is known for his support of drinking and touching hella boobies and his hatred for things that get in the way of either one.
The Lowdown:
The Real Iron Man has to be a brilliant and rich womanizer with a successful empire and an impeccable moustache…
Dov Charney
For those who don’t know, Dov Charney is the super rich, incredibly eccentric founder and CEO of American Apparel. (Granted, he designs clothing instead of missiles, but Marvel was most likely acutely aware of the fact that a comic about a witty, playboy polo-shirt-salesmen just wouldn’t sell.) When you ignore the difference between Stark’s weapons and Charney’s clothing, you’ll see just how staggering the similarities are. Both men are fast-paced entrepreneurs who built their empires from scratch and are notorious for their suave business savvy. Further, while Tony Stark took heat and received praise for refusing to sell weapons to terrorists, Charney received a similarly mixed reaction when he decided to pay his workers fair wages and by refusing to outsource. Two men, two successful businesses despite nontraditional practices, two facial-hair-champions.
Also, the womanizing. Iron Man comics are loaded with evidence of Stark’s shameless, near-constant boning of any woman who crosses his path, and Charney has had five sexual harassment lawsuits launched against him and once masturbated in front of an interviewer for Jane Magazine. It’s safe to assume that if masturbating in front of interviewers was permitted in Marvel Comics, Tony Stark would be the one guilty of it.
Other Possibilities:
Tom Selleck.
Bruce Wayne is a martial arts expert, and, while the exact amount of Wayne’s empire is rarely stated in either comics, movies or shows, a 2002 Forbes article estimates his net worth at $6.3 Billion. What also can’t be ignored is Batman’s trademark lunacy. Sure, he’s got pretty serious toys, but he’s also pretty seriously deranged so we’re looking for someone damaged.
The Lowdown:
The Real Batman has to be tough, wealthy and slightly crazy…
Christian Bale
Okay, I know what you’re thinking. No, it’s not just because Bale plays Batman on screen, and it’s not just because I happen to have a Texas-sized man-crush on him, (though, if you’re reading this Bale, I think you and I would make excellent friends and we should hang out or whatever). He actually almost didn’t make this list. Sure, he had a lot of the important qualities down- his status as a successful movie star provides him the wealth, he can kick some serious ass, and his well-documented activism is nothing if not reminiscent of Bruce Wayne’s celebrated philanthropy and generosity- but Bale just didn’t seem crazy enough to be Batman.
Until recently, that is. Yesterday, July 22nd, Christian Bale was taken into police custody on allegations that he attacked his sister and 61 year old mother. Now, what kind of man Is crazy enough to attack his own, aging mother? The same kind of man who’s crazy enough to put on little bat ears and beat the piss out of clowns, that’s what kind.
Other Possibilities:
Christian Bale.
The most popular hero in the Marvel catalogue, your friendly neighborhood Spider-Man can be seen swinging from building to building all throughout New York, (the rest of the world is not under his jurisdiction, which is really handy, because all of the world’s greatest villains focus 100% of their efforts on NYC). He’s short, agile and quick-witted, but he’s still generally hated by the people of New York.
Out of costume, Peter Parker is a whiny, shy, self-deprecating science nerd who generally just wants to be liked. He is, for the most part, awkward around girls but has remarkable luck with one insanely hot redhead, Mary Jane.
The Lowdown:
The Real Spider-Man has to be short, awkward and nerdy, but must also have an impossibly impressive track record for redheads way out of his league…
Dennis Kucinich
Former presidential hopeful Kucinich’s short stature and his elf-like agility make him the perfect fit for the webbed wall-crawler. Also, have you ever noticed that no one has ever seen Spider-Man and Kucinich in the same room? Beyond that, no one actually knows what Kucinich does or where he goes at night, (though, to be fair, he’s so damn creepy-looking that no one really wants to ask).
Above: A young Kucinich with Bugle employee Robbie Robertson.
His political career featured a strong focus on environmental renewal and clean energy, two causes that any self-respecting man of science would fight for. Further, his inability to carry a single state in the 2004 primary as well as the depressing failure that was his 2008 campaign, (MSNBC disinvited Kucinich from a presidential debate), prove that Kucinich is just as universally disliked as Spider-Man.
Also, there is absolutely no reason for the super fox that is Mrs. Kucinich to marry him apart from super powers. That’s just common sense.
Other Possibilities:
Daniel O’Brien.
There you have it, folks. I am hereby demanding that Lance Armstrong, Christian Bale, Dov Charney and Dennis Kucinich come out and formally admit their status as costumed superheroes.
America’s waiting, gentlemen.
Last 5 posts by Daniel O'Brien
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- Leaked Excerpts from 15 Year-Old Miley Cyrus's "Memoir" - October 24th, 2008
- Announcing the Candidacy of Plumber/Sixpack - October 17th, 2008
November 14th, 2008 at 5:41 pm
Awesome article. I always knew there was a reason why I looked up to (even though he’s shorter than I am by quite a bit) Dennis Kucinich. If we find out he has a clone, that’ll be concrete evidence.
October 10th, 2008 at 1:16 am
what about bruce lee?he basicly is capt. america,except asian…and a better fight
August 20th, 2008 at 12:39 am
If Dennis Kucinich were actually Spiderman, all he would have to do to get my vote is web swing across the country rounding up bad guys, big foot, venom, midwest cult leaders and/or anarchists, and show up to a presidential debate in full Spiderman garb to get my vote. It wouldnt hurt if he strung his opponent up to the roof when he lost.
August 17th, 2008 at 9:26 am
Aaahhh! Bale…
August 6th, 2008 at 9:48 am
I strongly suggest you get more from the hot cougar dating club called Cougarlove.com, a nice and free place for Older Women and Younger Men to interact with each other. It’s fabulous.
August 4th, 2008 at 6:08 am
I keep thinking, all of these superheros could easily be guys you went to high school with.
Captain America is the jock with a little too much national spirit. He’s not quite the all-round athlete his buddy Superman is, and he’s not quite the celebrated poseur Captain Marvel is, but dammit, he’s all-American, and you should fucking know that about him. His dad is probably in the NRA, so a few guns around the house, no biggie.
Tony Stark is the geeky kid who’s always in metalwork. He could build lawn ornaments at 12, and contruct living room furniture at 13. By 15 he had a full beard and had frustrations ranging only as far as being too under age to hold a contractor’s license. He’s the one no one ever expects to do well, only to find out he ends up as a millionaire conglomorate/weapons designer.
Spiderman has no explanation, he’s a science geek. His girlfriend is wayyy out of his league, and the popular girls in school talk about how she’s probably mentally disturbed. He did once outwrestle the school champion in gym class that one time though, totally, what the fuck dude?
Batman is that guy in school you couldn’t quite place. He wasn’t as self indulgently depressed enough to be a Goth, yet he always wore the same tight black t-shirt almost every day. He doesn’t talk to anyone in school, instead every day at lunch his friends come by and pick him up in their black El Camino and they hang around the bowling alley parking lot, showing off their henna tattoos and and talking about why their parents suck. Batman never joins in of course.
All the girls cream over him naturally, even the cheerleaders. He’s oh so quiet and dark and strong, and he must be hurting inside. Oh like totally hurting inside. He never talks to you, but he’s never an asshole to you, and he did pick you up off the locker room floor that one time that goddamn overgrown bully The Hulk wedgied you and spun you until you tripped. That was awesome.
August 3rd, 2008 at 4:13 am
Terrified with good reason.
August 2nd, 2008 at 1:10 pm
We probably should have thrown that into the France article that turned that into a debate on WW2, but yeah, France had deep divisions between the left and right political wings, i.e. the right wing wanted to join them and the left were terrified of what a powerful Germany could do.
August 2nd, 2008 at 5:42 am
Probably, because half of France jumped in bed with Nazis. Vinchy Government.
July 31st, 2008 at 11:29 am
Hey, about Captain America… was the American anti-French prejudice even around in the 40’s when Cap was put on ice?
July 29th, 2008 at 3:10 pm
it’s too bad that people keep bothering Christian Bale about these rumors, he seems like a solid guy in general
July 29th, 2008 at 7:53 am
Fuck, I was just going to jump in and mention how hot I am, but someone had to go spill the beans. Way to go, Kat Bean-Spiller!
J-Pappi, you may want to contact Res_Ipsa to represent you in court. He may or may not have experience in this ssort of thing.
July 28th, 2008 at 11:29 pm
Brunette. Italian. Anyone who jumps to talk about how hot they are are really forty-something year old fatties.
@ kingmonkey: most hilarious comment ever
July 28th, 2008 at 11:27 pm
I don’t want to hear that 1st degree shit; there was no malice of forethought! Um. I mean. You know. Maplebang?
July 28th, 2008 at 9:08 pm
True, but faint heart isn’t wanted for 1st degree murder in 28 states. It’s an awkward balance.
July 28th, 2008 at 4:16 pm
Faint heart never won fair maiden, my man.
July 28th, 2008 at 8:10 am
J-Pappi… you are so smooth. I am in awe of your technique… just in awe.
July 28th, 2008 at 2:14 am
Senator Joseph Leiberman from CT is Senator Palpatine / The Emperor from Star Wars
July 27th, 2008 at 10:07 pm
I know; I saw your titties bounce.
July 27th, 2008 at 1:17 pm
Nice J-Pappi. I lol’d.
July 27th, 2008 at 12:58 pm
p.s. Humiliated the French? About as much as Sebastien Bourdais humiliated the Americans.
July 27th, 2008 at 12:56 pm
A boorish, xenophobic cheat is Captain America? That’s not the sort of thing one would think you’d like to advertise.
July 27th, 2008 at 12:18 am
Shana, I feel you. I mean, I would if you’d let me.
July 26th, 2008 at 10:39 pm
I find this all highly unlikely. Enjoy being ugly.
July 26th, 2008 at 7:53 pm
Obviously a net-based redhead magnet. Woody Woodpecker will be here anytime. (Let the double entendres fly.)
And if I could hire Nicolas Cage, I wouldn’t need DOB’s abs.
July 26th, 2008 at 6:57 pm
How is it that all 12 of the smoking hot redheads on the planet happen to read Cracked? Who knew?
July 26th, 2008 at 6:05 pm
uh… I just wrote a sentence that didn’t really make sense. That was supposed to be “none of my non smoking hot red headed friends can understand why I flirt with “losers” or guys who are “unattractive” but obviously I live in some smoking hot redhead dimension where everything is opposite.”
so
sorry…two thoughts collided in my head.
July 26th, 2008 at 6:03 pm
I am also a smoking hot redhead and I agree…we’re just into guys most would write off. None of my non-smoking hot red head friends often question why I flirt with “losers” or guys who are “unattractive” but obviously I live in some smoking hot redhead dimension where everything is opposite. They all like Brad Pitt…ew.
July 26th, 2008 at 7:13 am
Purplestar, DOB’s abs are locked behind a reinforced plexiglass display case like in “National Treasure.” I’m afraid you’ll have to hire Nick Cage to steal them for you.
July 26th, 2008 at 7:11 am
Greg, while I’d normally shoot down your argument of picking someone to run one’s country out of a desire to fuck their wife, in this case anything would’ve been an improvement over who we did wind up picking.
July 25th, 2008 at 11:33 pm
Anyone seen Kucinich’s wiki page? Not knowing much about him (or his wife, I must admit), I checked the wiki page for him … and check out his spouse!
Don’t know why you guys didn’t elect him with a partner like that …
July 25th, 2008 at 10:58 pm
Where oh where can I see DOB’s Abs?? I’ve heard about them since I first joined cracked. I am not a red head, sorry. As for smokin hot, depends on your taste. Regardless, I need to see the abs.
Also, I’d like to see more names added to this list.
July 25th, 2008 at 10:03 pm
Anne, agreed he’s a douchebag for all the reasons you listed (though I’d certainly fuck Kate Hudson and the non bulimic Olsen twin…hell, the other one too if it was a three way), though choosing to live after having a nut cut off is pretty bold. Honestly, if someone told me my options were six months to live or they were coming after my boys with a scalpel I think I’d just have a big long mega party followed by bungee-jumping off a cliff. The dude had his sliced off and went back and humiliated the French a half-dozen more times. That’s ballsy, even without balls.
July 25th, 2008 at 8:31 pm
I am also a smart female, I like Cracked, recommend it to all my friends, and for the purposes of this comment I am a smoking hot redhead.
Lance Armstrong is a douchebag. Somehow I can’t imagine the REAL Captain America dumping his wife and kids after they supported him through his bout with cancer, then dumping his rockstar girlfriend when SHE gets cancer. Douchebag is too small a word for him, more like douche-planet or something. And chasing Kate Hudson or either of the Olsen twins? Ewww, that’s beyond gross.
And BTW, anyone who thinks Lance is such a “man”, how exactly do you think one survives testicular cancer?
July 25th, 2008 at 6:56 pm
By the time you get to my age ,male or female , there is usually a damn good reason someone is single.
That’s like some of these people I know that have been married 3 or 4 times, by your third divorce you just got to ask yourself if it could be you thats fucked up.
“Texas isn’t quite the same as the Southeast”
Depends on what part.
July 25th, 2008 at 6:39 pm
I lived with one in Huston for about a year; a hot natural blonde with straight hair almost to her ankles. I couldn’t believe my good fortune at first (she was also well off). After about 6 months I wanted to die but couldn’t leave because the sex was too good. By the time I finally got loose I’ve been thanking my lucky stars ever since. If you ever meet a girl who’s rich and hot and into you and ask yourself “Wow, how is THIS chick single?” Run like the wind. There’s ALWAYS a reason you don’t want to know.
July 25th, 2008 at 6:35 pm
Texas isn’t quite the same as the Southeast; their women are hot and much easier but also about twice as crazy.
July 25th, 2008 at 12:03 pm
Onodera–I think I may have forgotten the element of assault where the “victim” must actually be put in fear of impending immediate harm. So, if you’re that good at insinuation, you could be very correct in your assessment.
Metalbrainsurgery–I think you’re confusing insanity and masochism with evil. Sure, there are some very evil lawyers . . . some very, very evil lawyers . . . but the vast majority I’ve met are decent people, but very, very insane. We’re pretty much a cult, actually, and I’m pretty sure I’ve been brainwashed multiple times.
On a side note, I’ve only had one southern girl (from Texas) and she was pretty damn easy, and she was even decently attractive! (Looks-wise, anyway.)
July 25th, 2008 at 10:46 am
@J-Pappi “They only pretend to be easy.”
No biggie, I only pretend to ask permission.
Watch out, Oklahoma!
July 25th, 2008 at 10:26 am
Res_Ipsa: Thanks for clarifying assault. I can’t believe all this time I’ve been such a criminal. I guess I’ve just been so good at insinuating immediate harm (and future harm for that matter) that no charges have been brought against me.
July 25th, 2008 at 10:03 am
J-pappi, no metaphor, just sandwiches.
July 25th, 2008 at 4:41 am
My aunt, Carolyn Burkhardt, was K-boy’s campaign manager when he first ran for congress. She sent us a yellow and black Bumber sticker that reads DENNIS! and since my dad’s name is dennis we put it on the refrigerator and smiled whenever it caught our eyes before pb&j time (just kidding, moms allergic to peanuts so we used Almond butta). And this is how Dennis Kucinich more or less shaped my childhood. Needless to say, he was a pivotal factor in my decision to migrate to the holy land: UC berkeley, for college.
July 25th, 2008 at 4:26 am
Kucinich is Superman. Times infinity to the hulk power. Real talk.
July 25th, 2008 at 12:57 am
Maplebang!
July 25th, 2008 at 12:32 am
“not the ones who sit around the trailer all day and eat cake icing with a spoon. Or waddle around Wal-Mart in thier flip-flops.”
Watch how you talk about my wife or kingmonkey could get very angry at you.
The good looking one are easier to get seasonally or on special occasions. Stake out the bars looking for bachelorette parties or look for hotchicks without dates on holidays, like Halloween, New Years, Valentines Day. Christmas time, with the plethora of office parties, I have found to be particularly fruitful.
Not that I would know anything about how to pick up women seeing how I’ve been happily
married for a long time now. Not counting the times we were seperated of course and weren’t happily married.
That’s how she met kingmonkey in the first place.
July 24th, 2008 at 11:46 pm
MBS, “Eating your sandwiches” is a metaphor of some kind, I expect. For what, I’m not sure; but I wouldn’t trust him. He is a potential Spidey candidate after all. Kepp a close eye on your D’addario’s is all I’m sayin’.
July 24th, 2008 at 11:42 pm
Gleendoor, I was referring to the good looking ones, not the ones who sit around the trailer all day and eat cake icing with a spoon. Or waddle around Wal-Mart in thier flip-flops. Not that I haven’t banged some of them too, mind you; after a 12 pack or so a man’s gotta do what a man’s gotta do.
July 24th, 2008 at 11:16 pm
Hmm Mikami Teru was a lawyer and he was the 4th Kira.
July 24th, 2008 at 11:14 pm
God I hate Lance Armstrong. If there was ever a dickhead who needed ball cancer, it is that prick.
July 24th, 2008 at 11:05 pm
@ R_I: you love evil hmm? that explains why you want to be a lawyer, lawyers = fucking evil.
@J-Pappi: Some things are best left unsaid.
@DOB: The south welcomes you, or atleast I do. You can stay at my house and eat my sandwiches.
July 24th, 2008 at 11:03 pm
Gee, someone sounds bitter, I ain’t never had no problem, nailing southern women, that is, or fucking them either.
July 24th, 2008 at 10:37 pm
Strangling, donkey punches, it’s all good. I don’t watch a hell of a lot of cartoons but I take it “Death Note” should be on my list? I’ll investigate. And that’s “MR. sick bastard” to you, miss Shana; R_I and I were hiding corpses when you were still setting fire to your streetwalking Barbie.
DOB, Southern women are hot, but you’d better be a masochist if you want to go through what it takes to nail one. They only pretend to be easy.
July 24th, 2008 at 10:31 pm
Yes, I know. I have the spelling of a mentally challenged child, but I’ve made amends with that. Um, do you want me to list all the painful, twisted sexual acts that I can think of? Just go to 4chan or something, it will save me the time.
July 24th, 2008 at 10:26 pm
” I just discovered that I love, love Southern girls”
As long as one of the ain’t mine DOB you are alright.
Oh and by the way, the password this week is ” The white cow has flatulence”
July 24th, 2008 at 10:24 pm
*shrug* I’m not sure brains are needed. But what is farther (further?) than donkey-punching?
July 24th, 2008 at 9:59 pm
The superhero team sounds like a great idea, but I’ve made it painfuly obvious I would not be the brains of the operation T_T
July 24th, 2008 at 9:57 pm
oh wow another typo.. i meant to say inbread
July 24th, 2008 at 9:55 pm
**crossbred** sorry typo
July 24th, 2008 at 9:54 pm
And i feel the same about loving villans. The thing about Death Note is; he becomes the villan. By the end Light is a crazy fucked up mess. I love it<3
July 24th, 2008 at 9:51 pm
I fuckin love flcl! And donkey punching to death, NOT FAR ENOUGH!
Fuck that Dan, just come back to Jersey. I’m sure in rl eren89 is just some cross bread redneck, if not a fat 13 yr old boy.
July 24th, 2008 at 9:47 pm
@eren89
Don’t get me started. Don’t even get me started. I just drove across the country and, God help me, I just discovered that I love, love Southern girls. Goodness gracious, with your accents and your fine selves.
AGH. I might start driving back South right this second. Right this God damn second.
July 24th, 2008 at 9:43 pm
Death Note bothers me just a little bit. I’m all about the vigilantism, but I also intensely like evil people. (Which is why I fucking love the Boondock Saints.) I’m more of a FLCL/X/Witch Hunter Robin/ . . . I’m forgetting a bunch . . . guy. And dubs suck ass. And Machete/Mace actually work for Cracked, so it would be a bit different. And they disbanded. So everything is A-OK. And it looks like J-Pappi wants to join our team–it’d be like the X-Men or Justice League, but with tons and tons of dead hookers.
I mean that’s what it would be like if we were involved in necrohookery, which is possibly not true.
But if we’re donkey-punching them too death, is that going too far?!
July 24th, 2008 at 9:38 pm
J- Pappi, the thing you said about the strangling and the sphincters, thats the same concept behinde a donkey punch. You probably knew that already though, you freaky bastard.
July 24th, 2008 at 9:35 pm
Like Kira right? Killing criminals for justice. Yes.. That was a Death Note reference… I’m a huge anime nerd. But I fucking hate English dubs. FUCK ADULT SWIM! Don’t get me wrong I like adult swim, just not their anime.
July 24th, 2008 at 9:29 pm
Is killing hookers really fighting crime? Actually, hookers are committing a crime by hooking in the first place, so in a twisted way I suppose we are. I mean, we would be if that’s what we were doing.
July 24th, 2008 at 9:27 pm
Yes, strangling makes them tighten their sphincters up at the last second…what a feeling. Um, I mean, that’s what I read anyway.
And that should answer your other question too, R_I.
July 24th, 2008 at 9:26 pm
Sounds good as long as Mace and Machete don’t mind another cracked.com crime fighting duo.
July 24th, 2008 at 9:12 pm
We could team up and become a dead-hooker superhero team!!!!1one ^_^;
July 24th, 2008 at 8:51 pm
We all have hobbies. Just uh joking.. I don’t really strangle hookers… haaa *sigh* >___>
July 24th, 2008 at 8:41 pm
Shana . . . wow, you sound like a pro!
July 24th, 2008 at 8:22 pm
If they’re only half dead then obviously youve done something wrong. You should knock them out first to make it easier. Or, if you like the struggle try strangling the hooker so they can’t scream while you’re killing them.
July 24th, 2008 at 8:00 pm
College college, J-Pappster, not law school college. College college was all of seven years ago!
And if you have to do ridiculous feats just for ass, what do you have to do for the more, um, savory parts?!
Half-dead hookers tend to scream, which makes them a lia-fucking-bility!
July 24th, 2008 at 7:52 pm
At least most of them are, anyway; I’ve been careless lately and a few have come from good families. I should probably refrain from posting about them for a while ’till the searches blow over.
July 24th, 2008 at 7:49 pm
All the way back to your college days? Like last semester? And yes, I will admit the South is absolutely chock-full of smokin’ hot women, redheads included. Unfortunately, they take the “Southern Belle” thing just a bit too seriously and make you perform ridiculous feats just to get a shot of ass. Which is why, like you, I hoard dead hookers.
July 24th, 2008 at 7:35 pm
Jeebus, this has gone on for long . . .
Assault can be the crime of intentionally causing someone fear of immediate harm–that’s why verbal yelling can be a crime. Hell–if Bale was yelling at you loudly, wouldn’t you be afraid of immediate harm?!
J-Pappi–does the South have all the hot redheads? You’re hoarding them!
Shana–Natural blonds are great too.
G! R! DOUBLE E! L! LEAF! Ahh, brings me back to my college days . . .
July 24th, 2008 at 7:34 pm
Fuckin rednecks
July 24th, 2008 at 7:33 pm
Hahaha I’m a smart cutie and I love Cracked.com. Not a red-head though, the classic brunette type. Anyways, Cracked is a thing I got from my boyfriend, so ha. I loved some of the picks, and I love Christian Bale.
You rock hard DOB.
You should float down to the south where the girls are wild and pretty. Southern hospitality takes on new meaning
hooray for Dixie!
Hahahaha!
July 24th, 2008 at 7:05 pm
[...] http://www.cracked.com/blog/2008/07/23/4-celebrities-who-just-might-be-superhero-alter-ego/ [...]
July 24th, 2008 at 7:02 pm
Redheads have to be pretty un-hot not to be hot, if that makes any sense.
July 24th, 2008 at 5:39 pm
I love where this story was going!!! Very creative!!!!
I will tell my buddy to check it out:
http://www.fakebuddy.com
July 24th, 2008 at 5:02 pm
Dammit, plinko! I want my $1.53 back!
July 24th, 2008 at 4:57 pm
I thought Tom Cruise was Batman. Sure, he’s not as buff as Bale, but he’s got him beat in the Rich and Crazy departments. He’s pretty comfortable using gadgets, he’s got pointy teeth, and he’s married to Katie Holmes.
July 24th, 2008 at 4:31 pm
Lance Armstrong is 100% ASSHOLE!
Don’t promote CHEATING!
July 24th, 2008 at 4:15 pm
Of course all you girls would be commenting on Christian Bale, he’s the younger and prettier one on the list! Lance has alot of baggage. Still nice to look at though. BTW, I’m also a superheroine, disguised as a lowly housekeeper in California. (yes I took all of your pocket change you left lying around, next time leave a tip, you bastard!)
July 24th, 2008 at 2:53 pm
I didn’t know Spiderman was shorter then most children.
July 24th, 2008 at 2:49 pm
LOL: Dennis Kucinich clearly IS Spiderman! ….too bad he’s from Ohio. Oh well.
July 24th, 2008 at 2:45 pm
I like redhaedas womans and men. cum 2 my hot sexy blag where theere is pix of big manful guys.
I chat them and then post logs.
July 24th, 2008 at 2:32 pm
It’s obvious that DOB is every single one of those super heros. This aritcle is just a distraction. Nice try Dan, but you didn’t fool me.
July 24th, 2008 at 2:28 pm
Simpleton! Bale was only questioned, not arrested, and Holmes didn’t do jack. The story came out today that his cunt of a sister begged him for 100K in UK pounds and when he told her to piss off she got upset and then he got upset and no shoving was involved, only yelling. Bale crazy, no.
July 24th, 2008 at 2:10 pm
Tj - I too am from england. Together we can fight the myth that smoking hot redheads are all irish!
July 24th, 2008 at 1:37 pm
Funny article- with 2missed piece evidence supporting Bale’s obvious insanity. 1. American Psycho- first clue that the man might not be right 2. Did ya see the Machinist- who emaciates himself that way for a movie (unless is is about the Holocaust so that the actor can get an oscar)? Yikes.
Yup, definently a few crayolas short of a fun pack.
July 24th, 2008 at 1:37 pm
joey t. wa baka desu ne?
July 24th, 2008 at 1:17 pm
Yataa!
July 24th, 2008 at 1:02 pm
Nuhuh this is: http://media.photobucket.com/image/gay/knight37128/gay.jpg?o=8
July 24th, 2008 at 12:56 pm
This is the gayest thing ever. I’m sorry i clicked on this link.
July 24th, 2008 at 12:51 pm
Correction: Christian Bale did NOT beat up his mother. Otherwise he would have been charged with battery. He was charged with assault, which in the UK is basically the same thing as “verbal assault”. It was a normal family feud that ended up with overreacting family members and media blow-ups, as usual.
But despite NOT beating up his mother, he’s still one crazy guy. I mean, he practically kills himself for roles all the time.
July 24th, 2008 at 12:11 pm
kingmonkey+1 the picture is Gregory and you know it.
July 24th, 2008 at 11:24 am
July 24th, 2008 at 11:16 am
I love you, Shana.
July 24th, 2008 at 11:00 am
Is there no love for natural blonds on this site?
July 24th, 2008 at 10:59 am
@ milla_time- Thats b.s. because most natural redheads are gingers and thats just gross
July 24th, 2008 at 10:27 am
To think you can get arrested for verbal abuse… that’s fucking retarded. Oh shit! Here come the police!
July 24th, 2008 at 10:26 am
Damn it, I ranted on for too long.
July 24th, 2008 at 10:24 am
Carrie, I can’t understand your “English”. What do you mean? Is it verbal or physical abuse? Your sentence indicates both with a “but” making me think it’s an either or scenario. You could use a little more practice pointing. Thanks for playing.
July 24th, 2008 at 10:01 am
*not physically
July 24th, 2008 at 10:01 am
I just want to point out. Bale verbally attacked his mother and sister, but physically. In Britain you can get arrested for that, but nobody has bothered to americanize that up for us yet.
July 24th, 2008 at 9:15 am
Hello i like 4 Celebrities Who Just Might be Superhero Alter-Egos. cum 2 my site where i have pics of hot manful guys and chatlogs with them.
July 24th, 2008 at 8:40 am
Wow, kingmonkey+1, I saw your craption yesterday! Was that man insulting your wife?
July 24th, 2008 at 8:39 am
Shana: I have no aptitude for science whatsoever. And DOB is a dork, he’s just a dork with awesome abs and an impressive boning record.
kingmonkey: I never knew your name was so . . . literal!
And I never thought Kucinich’s wife was really that hot . . . is that odd? Too pale, tall, and funny-looking for me. But, again, there’s that one factor that my prejudice me.
July 24th, 2008 at 7:45 am
Well, I may not be a smoking redhead (I don’t smoke) (and I have brown hair), but I will be the first one here with the guts to post a picture of myself.
http://www.pet-ads.ca/modules/zClassifieds/ad_photos/nuke/297.jpg
Look at that, and tell me, just try and tell me, that I’m not fucking adorable.
July 24th, 2008 at 7:38 am
Dennis Kuncinich looks just plain cuddly in those old pictures. D’awwwwww.
July 24th, 2008 at 5:53 am
I stand by the claim that Kucinich is, if not Spiderman, then a superhero of some sort, because as yet another hot redhead, and one with a serious thing for nerdy guys at that, there is no way he could have managed snagging his wife without some kind of superpowers.
July 24th, 2008 at 5:31 am
lance armstrong could only be characterized as the biggest douchebag in the universe u fool!
July 24th, 2008 at 4:56 am
Can I claim first smoking hot redhead from England? I would post pictures…but work frown upon that apparently.
Great list, first time on the site, I’ll have to have a look round. Although I don’t agree with Christian Bale as Batman. He has a wife - Batman is supposed to go from relationship to relationship, unable to cope with the double life…
July 24th, 2008 at 3:51 am
Lactic acid builds up when your body has less oxygen during exercise and stuff, so with a bigger heart he would be pumping more oxygen around and would get less lactic acid. Iv heard of people taking blood transfusions of oxygenated blood, and its regarded as cheating. So its not that hes in better physical condition than everyone else, its that his body cheats for him
July 24th, 2008 at 3:48 am
yeah that was great. really funny. And pretty much all red-heads are hot.
July 24th, 2008 at 1:44 am
Dear Dan:
hahahahaha. Seriously? That’s amazing. I had like the same thing happen to me last weekend.
Without the cops or the sexy accents.
Or Christian Bale.
Basically, my grandma and Mrs. Bale would be great friends.
July 24th, 2008 at 1:42 am
Fucking awesome.
July 24th, 2008 at 12:05 am
Wow did you just call DOB a nerd?
July 24th, 2008 at 12:00 am
Great list, my favourite was definitely Lance Armstrong as Captain America. These comments are making me wish desperately that I was a smoking hot redhead, I always wondered how you would go about scoring a nerdy guy who’s below you.
July 23rd, 2008 at 11:36 pm
Christian Bale makes the perfect Batman - being martial arts enthusiast and all, altho he’s not thaaaat crazy….
July 23rd, 2008 at 10:53 pm
I would say that it would make sense for Alex Trebeck to be The Riddler, but it would ruin everything, because his arch-nemesis is Sean Connery, not Christian Bale or Christian Bale.
July 23rd, 2008 at 10:32 pm
Micheal J. Fox = The Flash. The man just cant sit still!
July 23rd, 2008 at 10:29 pm
Why study law when you can study forenzics, it’s so much more fun.
July 23rd, 2008 at 10:27 pm
#5 Professor Charles Xavier = Dr. Stephen Hawking. Just sayin’
July 23rd, 2008 at 10:19 pm
Just graduated this May, actually.
Dude, Bale yelling at you–that’s just about as scary as a normal person attacking you! . . . And just as erotic.
July 23rd, 2008 at 10:12 pm
Yeah, so apparently that “assault” incident was Bale yelling and cursing out his mother after she insulted his wife.
July 23rd, 2008 at 9:47 pm
I asume you’re in law school, am I right?
July 23rd, 2008 at 9:46 pm
@DOB: You sir have perverted Cracked.com from its original mission (to brighten the world with laughter) and turned it into some sort of harem, from whose murky deepths you pluck whatever morsel that strikes your fancy. Good Job.
July 23rd, 2008 at 9:39 pm
You think legal concepts are delicious? Insanity, I tell you, insanity. Now, to start quizzing myself on property and contract law. *Breaks down and cries.*
July 23rd, 2008 at 9:29 pm
Haa I think I have a good personality but I guess we all say that about ourselves. Well I’d say I have a bad personaliy, bad like the nintedo power glove. Legal concepts you say? Cookie you say? Both are delicious topics!
July 23rd, 2008 at 9:24 pm
Actually Levon, we ladies do read Cracked. I mean we’re here for DOBs abs too, but mostly the articles.
As a redhead myself, I am kind of curious about the large number of redheads who seem to be not only reading, but commenting. Hmmmmmm.
July 23rd, 2008 at 9:01 pm
Good point. If you’re lonely but have a good personality you should come over and . . . study amazingly boring legal concepts for me. I’ll give you a cookie!
Wait–you never said whether a good personality or a bad personality was important . . . hmmm . . .
Much-delayed response: Gladstone, sorry, but check the comments. I was first. I hate to burst your bubble.
July 23rd, 2008 at 8:41 pm
I think personality is more importent. Therefore, I am the best. Bawww I’m so lonely.
July 23rd, 2008 at 8:09 pm
I respectfully dissent. Asians are the best, and therefore brunettes are the best.
July 23rd, 2008 at 7:59 pm
I loved Bartender aswell, and it too recomend it. Bah I don’t see whats great about redheads. Natural blondes are the best.
July 23rd, 2008 at 7:06 pm
So does that mean that Christian Bale is “Bat-shit insane”? Ha ha ha I couldn’t resist. DOB rules. I wonder if the Canadian Government would accept an appeal to take off that pussy ass maple leaf and replace it with DOB’s abs?
July 23rd, 2008 at 7:03 pm
see all ive read in the comments was titties titties titties.
you guys are right, you guys should get some titties down at the station.
workplace
office
watev but just get some real nice qualityed titties
July 23rd, 2008 at 6:55 pm
I think Dan is Bethany. His dual personality, just yearning for a hot redhead to love him. That’s why she gets him–because she is him! Dun dun dun!
Or not. Fuck if I care.
July 23rd, 2008 at 6:51 pm
So if Dan listens to Bethany, Dan is admitting he’s Dennis Kucinich and he is not “totallly outing” himself? HAHAHAHA.
July 23rd, 2008 at 6:27 pm
My question is: “Who is the man that plays the superhero known as Lance Armstrong?”
July 23rd, 2008 at 6:17 pm
Listen to Bethany. Bethany gets me.
[God I hope Bethany's not a tubby internerd pretending to be a chick...]
July 23rd, 2008 at 6:06 pm
Obviously DOB couldn’t nominate himself as the most likely candidate to be spiderman’s secret identity. That would be akin to admitting it right here. As the runner-up, he casually allows it to be in the realm of possibility without totally outing himself.
July 23rd, 2008 at 5:46 pm
Lets not forget that not even CANCER OF PRETTY MUCH EVERYTHING couldn’t even stop lance. Sounds more like superman to me. If, you know, superman didn’t suck. Hell, lance sounds kind of like wolverine because of his ability to heal and recover from ANYTHING.
July 23rd, 2008 at 5:40 pm
Well now you all just look crazy.
July 23rd, 2008 at 5:32 pm
“formerly admit”?
So… you want them to get together, go back in time, and then do it?
Your demands are high, DOB. Too high.
July 23rd, 2008 at 5:18 pm
Hey DOB…Hot Auburn Redhead here. Loved the article. I like Comic Book guys more than real guys….unless I’m counting you……but if you were a superhero, and a real guy……..WOW! Would you marry me?
July 23rd, 2008 at 5:12 pm
So Cap. America super-soldier experiment thingy is equivalent to super doping for Amstrong? French guys would for sure like some of that stuff…
July 23rd, 2008 at 5:09 pm
I thought that the first choice for Spiderman would be you, DOB. Of course, I can see because of your devilishly good looks and imposing sexual stature, you’d only be runner up.
July 23rd, 2008 at 5:08 pm
Isn’t Tom Selleck gay? Wouldn’t that disqualify him from nomination as an alter ego given that womanizing appears to be a core performance criteria for Iron Man?
July 23rd, 2008 at 4:58 pm
So if Dennis Kucinich is the Spiderman winner and you are the runner up are you saying that you look like Dennis Kucinich? Or do you just share his love of smoking hot redheads and the legalization of pot?
Huh, Dan Huh?
July 23rd, 2008 at 4:39 pm
No! Really? can anyone just claim that they’re “a smokin’ hot redhead” and not back it up with nude pictures of the nekkid variety? Please, since when did the internet become a place to say things that you can’t back up with any evidence? I demand pictures of these hot redheads! And the blondes and brunettes wouldn’t hurt either. Does anyone agree?
*I live a small sad life… please*
(boys need not send pics, unless you’re Christian Bale)
July 23rd, 2008 at 4:24 pm
i didnt even smile….epic failure, dob!
this so not you….
July 23rd, 2008 at 4:15 pm
I am twenty smokin’ hot redheads and brunettes.
. . . Well. Not really. I know a bunch. But they’re all dead. And they’re hookers. But I hear those are a dime a dozen (literally) out there.
Someone say something interesting.
July 23rd, 2008 at 4:12 pm
Alternatively, they could *formally* admit their status as costumed superheroes.
July 23rd, 2008 at 4:10 pm
Hah, yes! I’ve always hoped that Lance Armstrong was actually a superhero under there… I mean, come on, the name! It just sounds like it came right outta DC!
Thank you, DOB, for making my fangirly dreams come true. *fans self like she’s got the vahpurs*
July 23rd, 2008 at 4:02 pm
Oh lawd DOB said my name I think I might swoon
July 23rd, 2008 at 3:58 pm
As far as I can tell Benihana was upset because you did not include Andy Dick in your article. For some reason.
July 23rd, 2008 at 3:45 pm
Elf-like or not, with a bowtie like that, he should have a blond on the other arm, and maybe a maybe a teeny, tiny brunette in a fanny pack. A fanny pack that matches his bowtie.
July 23rd, 2008 at 3:43 pm
Side note: I am currently getting paid to ride a power chair around a warehouse, and I feel like fucking Professor Xavier. It is awesome.
July 23rd, 2008 at 3:42 pm
hep’s got a good point. Not that these lists aren’t every bit as funny as the blogs, or other lists, but I keep thinking I’m reading one of the list pages and then, when I go click blog, I find out that I was already there. What’s the deal?
July 23rd, 2008 at 3:42 pm
I hear smoking hot redheads in California find roller-blading, internet psuedo-celebrities very attractive.
July 23rd, 2008 at 3:37 pm
When did the blog just become another series of list? Isn’t that what the website is for? Don’t list not really make this a blog at all? Does DOB get paid more because he is the funniest?
So many questions, please provide answers . . . preferably in list format.
July 23rd, 2008 at 3:35 pm
….so that means Dennis Kucinich is the internet!?
Fuck you Al Gore.
July 23rd, 2008 at 3:31 pm
@Benihana- I have no idea how I offended you, but I’m thrilled that it happened.
@Bethany- What’s up, girl?
@Cody- There’s little you need to know about Kucinich apart from the fact that he’s elf-like, hates Bush, wants to legalize marijuana, and has a hot wife that secretly wants me.
July 23rd, 2008 at 3:28 pm
I’m damn sexy! I’m pretty much the coolest person I know as well. My hair isn’t red, but my eyes usually are. Also, I’m a dude. Just wanted to add my two cents. Oh yeah, I wouldn’t let Dennis Kucinich commission my drain. Mostly because I’ve never heard of him.
July 23rd, 2008 at 3:16 pm
Another smokin’ hot (and tall!) brunette here. Yes, there are women who read Cracked, and attractive ones at that! Also, I’m willing to lend my services if the Bale reads this.
Bob Batchrist, call me! But if you try to push me around, I’ll punch you in your pretty mouth.
July 23rd, 2008 at 3:13 pm
This got really weird really fast.
And of course, Cracked is the consummate political site.
July 23rd, 2008 at 3:09 pm
Uh oh, it appears we have a new hero here to bring irrelevent tedious vitriolism to a comedy site.
Ladies and gentlemen, I present, Politics Boy!
July 23rd, 2008 at 3:02 pm
The man is a wimp and I dare say most of the cracked.com readership could seriously kick his ass. That is also why is so anti-war and a appeaser of America’s enemies. He would not defend himself no matter how much his life depended. His wife may be hottie but she is just as fucked up as he is thus making them compatible.
Therefore you are most definitely wrong about him being Spider-man.
July 23rd, 2008 at 2:50 pm
benihana, what the fuck are you talking about?
July 23rd, 2008 at 2:48 pm
[...] 23Jul08 Over at the Cracked blog, Dan O’Brien has written something on the subject of celebrities who might be comic book hero alter egos that is rather [...]
July 23rd, 2008 at 2:46 pm
leave it to the cuntbags at Cracked in the fucking SKULL to sing the praises of a disgusting and yes c-r-e-e-p-y with a capital C pervert who degrades women and you bitches forgot[of course] to mention Andy because I am a Dick fondling and exposing a teen girl. I guess there was no ‘negro’s] name to vilify so you kept qyite which is what ALWAYS happens when it’s a white celebrity ahhh the privilege of whiteness,racism,and hypocrisy!!
July 23rd, 2008 at 2:24 pm
Hey Daniel,
Sorry, but I’m already married. But yes, smart girls do read Cracked. We get bored at work just like everyone else!
PS: You are hilarious, just in case not enough people told you that today.
July 23rd, 2008 at 2:15 pm
I think the comments were disabled this morning because DOB has gone all Hollywood and shit and thought he was to good for his public and they were enabled again only because the Cracked powers that be threatened to take away his sexy assistants if DOB did not turn them back on.
That’s what I think. Or Gladstone forgot to turn the comments on becauses he is lonely at the Cracked house and he was to busy talking to his EVE 6 dolls.
That’s it.
July 23rd, 2008 at 2:10 pm
More smoking hot red heads!?! This article has done WONDERS for my impression of the Cracked readers.
July 23rd, 2008 at 2:04 pm
What’s with all the girls commenting on this? Girls don’t read cracked!
Must be DOB’s abs, right?
July 23rd, 2008 at 1:45 pm
I was a smoking hot brunette 10 years ago. Now I’m just regular hot. And I think Spider Man is actually Ben Stiller. Check your facts, DOB.
July 23rd, 2008 at 1:28 pm
As another smoking hot redhead, I would just like to say that I would TOTALLY bang DOB.
July 23rd, 2008 at 1:27 pm
See christian bale is perfect for batman because no one would suspect that an actor who plays a superhero on screen would be that super hero off screen. Genius.
July 23rd, 2008 at 1:13 pm
Cleveland is also covered in the shame of a football team so crappy they disappeared for years.
Anyhow, I think the Spidey one is a lame pick. Christian Bale is high on my list for more-than-humpable-hotties, but he is not arrogant enough to be Batman. My fave one had to be Lance.
July 23rd, 2008 at 12:55 pm
Burn!
July 23rd, 2008 at 12:53 pm
I’m not from Ohio but I still happen to know a startling amount of information regarding D-Ken.
But even if I didn’t, I know enough to know not to vote for someone who isn’t running for president.
July 23rd, 2008 at 12:47 pm
I’m not a smokin’ hot readhead….just a teeny tiny brunette. And I can’t believe that Denny K. is Spidey. I’m from Ohio you know. We know a LOT about Dennis. Please don’t vote for him for President. Please. Think…Cleveland…. Cleveland covered in web entrails.
July 23rd, 2008 at 12:35 pm
Wait a minute, DOB. I thought Captain America was your brother.
July 23rd, 2008 at 12:31 pm
with regards to:
(though, if you’re reading this Bale, I think you and I would make excellent friends and we should hang out or whatever).
Whatever? Like sucking face or whatever? Lol
I’m with ya buddy I got a man-crush on him too.
July 23rd, 2008 at 12:19 pm
You’re still lacking in the ladies at cracked? If only someone advertised dating sites in the comments, I’m sure everyone would appreciate that.
July 23rd, 2008 at 11:53 am
I have no idea how that comment to the little mermaid didn’t elicit a response DoB.
July 23rd, 2008 at 11:51 am
Hey, D.O.B. & Gladstone.
I’ve got at least twelve chicks that could be your scantily clad assistants. They are all BEER CART ladies and already come equipped with scantily clad attire. All I ask in return is a position as “Scantily Clad Wardrobe Coordinator”. My job duties would include dressing & undressing of each assistant with an hourly check up on perkiness, both physical perkiness & mental perkiness(mostly physical with a lot of hand cupping, who am i kidding all physical and my hands would be perfectly rounded as if holding onto a proverbial eternal musk melon).
I am fully qualified for such duties and would share in the painstaking work with all who are willing to learn my special art of “Titular Cupping”.
Looking forward to your reply blog hope we can do business together.
Yours truly and hopefully inspectin some fat ass titties for ya,
The Illustrious Count “Phatcockinya” Dook Shute
July 23rd, 2008 at 11:50 am
Okay O’Brien, I have to hand it to you, this was a kick-ass article. Loved it!
July 23rd, 2008 at 11:28 am
Hey Ariel you are right, how about that redhead from Sex and the City. Her boyfriend was a bit beneath her…. I mean so i’ve been told, not really seen Sex and the City…ever…Honestly….
July 23rd, 2008 at 11:16 am
Actually that was a lie, Im gonna go weep in the corner of a dark room now
July 23rd, 2008 at 11:15 am
I once seen a smoking hot redhead…
July 23rd, 2008 at 11:08 am
My girlfriend’s a smokin’ hot redhead. Of course, since I’m commenting on cracked, it kind of negates whatever points I earn for that.
July 23rd, 2008 at 11:03 am
I’m the flash… The other flash. see you in the park, citizens!
July 23rd, 2008 at 11:03 am
I hope I look as good at 80 or 90 as Lance Armstrong does.
July 23rd, 2008 at 11:02 am
Parker, you mean this old thing?
July 23rd, 2008 at 11:01 am
Smoking hot red head? Smoking hot red head lady?! On this site?!
[Okay, okay, okay DOB, take it easy.]
Hi Ariel, my name’s Daniel. You sound really smart. Hey, do you like the internet? Because I am all over the internet. Hey, do you like coffee? And boning? Maybe you and I can get together and drink some coffee, or do some of that boning that you like so much.
July 23rd, 2008 at 10:59 am
Awww man I was having fun reading the Bartender. Now I have to check this blog and read through that as well. I am on Chapter Fourteen and it is AMAZING and HIGHLY RECOMMENDED!!!!!
July 23rd, 2008 at 10:48 am
As a smoking hot red-head, I should point out we universally love guys that would seem beneath us. (See: Fred Flintsone, Peter Griffin, and that other guy whose name I can’t remember) It’s just what we’re into.
July 23rd, 2008 at 10:47 am
Or, alternately, JESUS DYLMAN. Or BAT CHRYLAN.
I still like BOB BATCHRIST best.
Also, now that he’s also John Connor, he fights Terminators on his nightly patrols.
July 23rd, 2008 at 10:41 am
Christian Bale has played Jesus, Bob Dylan, and Batman (my three favorite people), making him more than Batman.
He patrols the city at night with a cape, beard, robe, and acoustic guitar as BOB BATCHRIST.
July 23rd, 2008 at 10:34 am
You didn’t get a troop of scantily-clad women yet? That’s unbelievable, they must really hate you. I got mine as soon as I got here, I figured everyone was getting them. Christ, I mean, I’ve got leftovers. Even Ross has some even though he doesn’t technically work here anymore. And even though he killed all those people.
July 23rd, 2008 at 10:31 am
Way to ruin our boycott by the way! We weren’t blogging for cracked until our demands were met. Looks like some people have no trouble working without sexy scantily clad assistants.
God, I pity you.
Good luck finding scantily-clad women willing to cozy up to borderline internet celebrities in Los Angeles. I …. uh …. God, I pity me.
July 23rd, 2008 at 10:24 am
Right on, Gladstone. Comments were disabled for some reason that no one can quite figure out. Also there’s a glitch with the amount of diggs. It should be 45 billion.
Fixing…
July 23rd, 2008 at 10:21 am
um, i’m assuming there’s a glitch because right now this piece has 45 diggs and no comments???
um….
uh.
FIRST!!!
(?)
July 23rd, 2008 at 10:21 am
Excellent job, D.O.B.! I’d been wondering about Spider-Man. . .
July 23rd, 2008 at 10:21 am
Ahhhh . . . First.