Captain America is one of the most respected heroes in the Marvel Universe. The result of a military program designed to build an army of Super Soldiers, Captain America isn't so much a superhero as much as he is the strongest, fastest and most powerful human being around operating on levels just slightly higher than those of above average athletes. Fighting bravely in World War II, Steve Rogers's triumphant success against foreign oppression established him as a beloved American icon. The Lowdown: The Real Captain America is a confident and powerful symbol of American Superiority with a remarkably strong chin…
Lance ArmstrongNamed "Greatest Fucking Athlete" by every magazine that ranks athletes, Armstrong possesses both the physical strength and the ability to kick ass in foreign countries that Marvel's Captain America practically bleeds. No, Lance Armstrong isn't bitchslapping a bunch of Nazis, but he is making a whole lot of French people look stupid year after year after year, (they fucking love biking), which is just as good if not better.
A look at Armstrong's physical attributes reads like the back of a Captain America Marvel Card, (if Captain America dated Sheryl Crow once). While the average human's maximal oxygen consumption is between 40 and 50, Armstrong's is 83.8 and his heart is about 30% larger than the average heart. He also has what Dr. Wikipedia describes as an unusually low lactate level. During intense training in racers, lactic acid builds up and slows a normal human down, but Armstrong's body for some reason (magic?) doesn't produce as much lactic acid as your average human. Without getting any more sciencey on anyone's ass, Armstrong is, long story short, in better physical condition than you could ever dream of being. You might say, he's performing at levels remarkably higher than those of the above average human. (Or you could skip the subtle innuendo and just say Lance Armstrong is Captain America. Lance Armstrong is Captain America.) And if you think Captain America wouldn't approve of Lance Armstrong dominating the puny, harmless French well, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, allow me to present Exhibit Go Fuck Yourself:
The defense rests. Bitches. Other Possibilities: Arnold Schwarzenegger (Terrific shape, but disqualified for obvious reasons.)
The man under the Iron Man mask is the brilliant and mustachioed Tony Stark, a well-educated weapons designer with a fortune that Forbes puts somewhere in the "metric buttloads." Stark uses his considerable wealth and highly-developed brain to constantly work on his iron suit, adapting it to fit any situation. While Iron Man is known for his support of justice and his hatred for communism and corporate crimes, Tony Stark is known for his support of drinking and touching hella boobies and his hatred for things that get in the way of either one. The Lowdown: The Real Iron Man has to be a brilliant and rich womanizer with a successful empire and an impeccable moustache… Dov Charney For those who don’t know, Dov Charney is the super rich, incredibly eccentric founder and CEO of American Apparel. (Granted, he designs clothing instead of missiles, but Marvel was most likely acutely aware of the fact that a comic about a witty, playboy polo-shirt-salesmen just wouldn't sell.) When you ignore the difference between Stark's weapons and Charney's clothing, you’ll see just how staggering the similarities are. Both men are fast-paced entrepreneurs who built their empires from scratch and are notorious for their suave business savvy. Further, while Tony Stark took heat and received praise for refusing to sell weapons to terrorists, Charney received a similarly mixed reaction when he decided to pay his workers fair wages and by refusing to outsource. Two men, two successful businesses despite nontraditional practices, two facial-hair-champions.
Also, the womanizing. Iron Man comics are loaded with evidence of Stark's shameless, near-constant boning of any woman who crosses his path, and Charney has had five sexual harassment lawsuits launched against him and once masturbated in front of an interviewer for Jane Magazine. It's safe to assume that if masturbating in front of interviewers was permitted in Marvel Comics, Tony Stark would be the one guilty of it. Other Possibilities: Tom Selleck.