If we here at Cracked have proved anything in the past, it's that there is no vetting process for the job of Evil Genius. Almost every movie with a criminal mastermind involves a series of bumbling, spectacular failures. In fact, as we're about to demonstrate again, a lot of movie menaces could have been stopped by simply telling the heroes to stay home and waiting for the villain to step on his own dick.
6 Captain America: The Winter Soldier -- What's With Hydra's Assassination Attempt On Nick Fury?
In Captain America: The Winter Soldier, the evil organization Hydra is about to take over the peacekeeping agency SHIELD. This is a decades-spanning scheme involving many deep-cover operatives, and a huge part of this plan involves killing SHIELD's commander, Nick Fury. You probably know all this because the movie is completely sweet and it made $715 million.
Hydra's infiltration of SHIELD is unimaginably complicated. It's a plot as complex as 9/11 being an inside job, but obviously better planned, since there weren't 1,290,000 YouTube videos exposing it. One would imagine the assassination of Nick Fury would be just as elaborate -- a murder so flawlessly orchestrated that no one would see it coming. So what do they do? They dress up like cops, give themselves away, and open fire on the world's most bulletproof car with bullets.
When that doesn't work, they go to Plan B: a portable battering ram. It seems weird, but in traditional assassinations, a portable battering ram is what you bring on the off chance your bullets can't get through a bulletproof car.
"Who made a 'stupid purchase request' now, Gary?!"
Unfortunately, it also doesn't work, so Nick Fury kills most of them and leaves. That's when he runs into Plan C: the Winter Soldier with a landmine-launching gun.
Which is a fundamental misunderstanding of both mines and guns.
In one shot, he totals the invincible car, and Fury is forced to make a desperate and cartoonish escape into a hole in the ground -- a getaway so ridiculous that the Winter Soldier never even considers pursuing him. Though in hindsight, it probably should have occurred to him that a super soldier could have caught up to an injured man in a tunnel with a four-second head start.
So this organization has their own super soldier who happens to own the only gun capable of taking out their target's impenetrable vehicle, and he's only there in case their first two bumbling plans fail? Why not start with the Winter Soldier? Why not simply track and snipe Fury when he's walking to his car? And before you say that's a dull, anti-climactic way to kill someone in a superhero movie, remember it's exactly what happens in the next scene, in which the Winter Soldier easily tracks and snipes Fury.
In a classic spy move, Nick takes a drug which lowers his body functions to fake his own death. So Hydra, after spending all day and the lives of many deep undercover operatives to kill Nick Fury, still gets fooled by the oldest trick in the comic book. This is probably the most important step in their entire 70-year conspiracy, and they put less thought into it than a Taco Bell chef unveiling his latest arrangement of tortillas and cheese sauces.
"I can't believe I ever sided with these guys."
5 The Dark Knight Rises -- Why Does Bane Spare Gotham?
When the Dark Knight Rises came out, Batman had been kicking the crap out of the bad guys in comics for about 70 years. So the movie knew it had to pull out all the stops with its villain. It went with Bane, a genius hulk with a booming voice immune to bat punches, bat gadgets, and all forms of darkness. He snaps Batman's back and throws him in prison pit before unleashing his plan to remove all law and government from Gotham.
The usual libertarian MO.
Here's the issue, though (spoiler): That's not his plan at all. He threatens Gotham with a bomb to keep it isolated and lawless, but after several months of anarchy, it's revealed that he and Batman's new girlfriend, who is also evil, have been planning to blow up the city anyway. So ... what's with all the other crap?
These two are supervillains trained by an ancient clan of ninjas who know firsthand how badass the Batman can be. So why create a tortuously long plan and then leave the only man who can arguably stop it alive? And not only alive, but alive in a prison anyone can escape by believing in themselves enough to try jumping? Seriously, the secret to escape was a slightly athletic jump which Batman had inside himself all along, and this was the plot of a film made for adults.
*Play For Full Effect*
And even if Batman hadn't escaped from the prison, which is a long fucking bet, a resistance was developing in Gotham that was making progress in disabling the bomb without him. A bomb Bane was waiting to trigger for no real reason. There are literally dozens of ways something could have gone wrong with this plan -- which again, was to blow up a city, except only after an arbitrary amount of time during which everyone could do whatever they want. Did Bane maybe think that terrorists got paid by the hour?