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Anyone who's ever worked with children knows that being sweet and wholesome all day is exhausting. As soon as you go on break you want to do a shot of vodka or tell a filthy joke, because otherwise all the saccharine innocence would drive you crazy. That's why the teacher's lounge always smelled like cigarettes and cursing.

The cast and crew of children's TV are no exception, except when they unwind, they tend to do it in ways that forever color our memories of our favorite cartoons and Nickelodeon game shows with the knowledge that nefarious boner jokes were lurking just off-screen.

Batman's Burt Ward Fucked Everything With His Giant Penis (According to Burt Ward)

20th Century Fox Television

Back in 1966, the Batman TV show starring Adam West and Burt Ward was a legitimate phenomenon. The campy, absurdist pop art masterpiece was a huge hit with kids who took it at face value as the unfiltered adventures of one of their favorite superheroes, and adults who praised the show for its deadpan silliness. The show was so huge that Adam West got to fly to Italy and meet the Pope while extremely hung over.

For some reason, the show's two leads were especially popular with women, because there is apparently nothing sexier than a man in an ill-fitting bat costume and his cherubic adult sidekick. And Ward minces no words telling everyone and anyone about his green-shorted sexual escapades. According to Ward's autobiography, Boy Wonder: My Life in Tights, female humans couldn't wait to throw themselves at him and his co-star. As Ward put it, "Everyone wanted our Bat Sperm in every orifice." Not to be pedants, but technically, only West can refer to his baby gravy as "Bat Sperm."

20th Century Fox Television
The two front utility pouches are just filled with condoms and lube.

As if to prove that this anecdote had plenty of room to get way creepier, Ward goes on to describe himself and his co-star as "sexual vampires" who had "super hero sex with young fans".

The show's popularity fizzled, and it was cancelled after three seasons. West struggled with typecasting and drunken public appearances for years before eventually finding voice-over work on shows like Family Guy, in which he plays Mayor Adam West, the role he was born to play. As for Ward, when he isn't trying like hell to convince the world that he invented a brand of pet food that will give your dogs eternal life ...

Seen here. Ward ... might be crazy.

... he can be found at conventions, taking pics with fans, answering questions about what Cesar Romero was like in real life, and breathlessly spreading the legend of his enormous dick.

Yep. According to Ward, the same fleshy man cannon that frequently found itself being fought over by swarms of enthusiastic Batman fans also rivals Harley Quinn's hammer in length, girth, and ability to pulverize.

It was so big that when Ward tried to stuff "the Beast in the Bat trunks" (one of Ward's many nicknames for his penis) into those skimpy green shorts, studio execs were fielding complaints from the National Legion of Decency, who were offended by Robin's bulge. The costume designers futilely tried to hide the protrusion using various restraints and even layering Robin's green underwear. When all that failed, the studio sent him to a less than reputable doctor who prescribed a course of mystery pills that would supposedly "shrink" the Boy Wonder's wonder. Luckily, Ward stopped taking them before any bodily damage was done. He is emphatically clear on this point.

20th Century Fox Television
"If anything, they had the opposite effect, and I had to stop before it collapsed
into a black hole which I would have to fuck my way out of."

Shockingly, it's been suggested that Ward's creeptastic claims are wildly exaggerated. The only source to any of these claims is Ward's autobiography, released by a publishing company that A) is owned by Ward, and 2) has never published another book. Though to be fair, West confirmed in his own autobiography that the costume designers needed to find a way to reduce Robin's bulge to make it appropriate for prime time TV, but that could just as easily be attributed to the fact that Robin was wearing a tiny pair of underpants.

Ward, we should note, spends a significant portion of his memoir accusing West of being envious of "the monster" (another official Ward dickname) and embarrassed of the inferior size of his own Batmanaconda. Whether or not this specific accusation is true, we now know that in every single episode of Batman, Robin was silently thinking up new names for the crotch bulge he was convinced everyone around him was staring at.

20th Century Fox Television

Double Dare Was A 1980s Sex Comedy Behind The Scenes


Double Dare, one of the pillars of Nickelodeon's empire, was a family game show that combined trivia with physical challenges, most of which involved attempting to drown children with vats of green slime. The charmingly low-budget show was hosted by the enthusiastic Marc Summers, who reveled in pieing moms in the face, stumping dads with inane questions, and steering a ship of rowdy crew members who apparently needed more adult supervision than the contestants.

Not that we'd get much down with a slime-soaked obstacle course around, either.

Nickelodeon may have prided itself on its "Kids Rule" philosophy, but according to Summers, the backstage of Double Dare "was like being in a fraternity." In one incident, Summers recalls a crew member needing to take the day off to get an abortion because another crew member had knocked her up (it is our duty to assume that they referred to unprotected sex as the Ultimate Physical Challenge). "It was the eighties, you know? There might have been a little experimentation going on there," says Summers, which, in addition to being one of the most terrifyingly vague statements ever given, is almost certainly a reference to mountains of cocaine.

"Why do you think we had the giant nose?"

Speaking of drugs, the omnipresent green slime, called Gak, was actually a street term for heroin coined in 1980s Philadelphia. This alien semen bouillabaisse was dumped on everyone and everything, so the crew thought it would be hilarious to name it after one of the most life-derailing drugs in modern history. Nickelodeon even marketed a line of toys proudly bearing the Gak label, completely unaware of what that word actually meant.

Be careful, it's a gateway drug to Silly Putty.

But while the crew was mischievous, they never caused any real trouble for Nickelodeon. They left that up to the contestants. Summers made it a habit to smash cream pies in the face of nearly every parent on the show, because children delight in the subjugation of their elders, but one mother decided to sue Nickelodeon, claiming she was no longer able to have sex as a result of Summers' wanton pie-facing. Despite the fact that her allegations suggest she is either extremely confused about how sex works or is married to a birthday clown, Nickelodeon gave her a $25,000 settlement out of court, which is way better than the bullshit watches and luggage sets they normally gave away on Double Dare.

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Bob Saget Pretended To Have Sex With A Child-Sized Rubber Doll On The Set Of Full House

Warner Bros. Television

Bob Saget began his career as a stand-up comedian slinging excruciatingly filthy dick jokes, so of course he was the natural choice to star as the Christ-like widower Danny Tanner in the classic family sitcom Full House. He had to put all the asshole-blasting boner jokes into a bag while in character, but that didn't keep the real Saget from bursting to the surface like the shark from Jaws whenever the cameras stopped rolling.

Warner Bros. Television
Apologies to those just now discovering that the man you always hoped was your real dad was actually this guy .

In one incident, Saget and his co-stars, Dave Coulier and John Stamos, were waiting for their scenes to start. Understandably bored, because they were filming Full fucking House, they snuck into the prop room, grabbed several cans of whipped cream that were meant to be used for a birthday scene, and tried to get high off the nitrous oxide. We'll be honest -- Full House would have been way better if all of the adults were perpetually higher than orbiting telescopes. Saget also had a habit of drawing penises all over his scripts during meetings with the writers and producers. He was so full of dick jokes he simply could not keep them bottled up inside for an entire meeting and exploded like a balloon full of spiders.

Warner Bros. Television
The whole "What was the deal with Danny Tanner?" puzzle makes a lot more
sense once the "shit-tons of whippits" piece falls into place.

And then there is the doll incident.

Saget would often rehearse with a 4-foot rubber doll that served as a stand-in for his TV daughter Michelle, because some liberal do-gooder passed a law that says you can only force children to work a certain number of hours per day (unless they're working on a farm, at which point it's open season). Saget being Saget, it was only a matter of time before he decided to incorporate his inflatable rehearsal buddy into a hilarious improv comedy routine, which is another way of saying "he pretended to fuck that doll." Unfortunately, while the stage was clear of innocent young eyes, the monitors were still on, so his deflowering of Michelle's rubber doppelganger was broadcast to the dressing room, several offices, and the kids' on-set schoolroom. Ironically, the resulting videotape would have been a perfect submission to America's Funniest Home Videos.

Harlan Ellison Gets Hired By Disney, Acts Out A Disney Porn, Is Immediately Fired By Disney

Barbara Alper/Archive Photos/Getty Images

Harlan Ellison is equally legendary for his tremendous contribution to science fiction and his tremendous contribution to the field of being an arrogant, litigious jackass. This is a man who once mailed 213 bricks and a dead gopher to his publishing house over a contractual dispute, which isn't burning a bridge so much as chopping the bridge's legs off and making it watch as you throw its parents into a volcano.

Pip R. Lagenta
I have no mouth, and I must scream obscenities.

In 1968, Ellison was fresh off a job writing for Star Trek, and consequently was also fresh off a bitter feud with Star Trek creator Gene Roddenberry. Despite everything we just told you, Ellison was inexplicably hired as a writer by Walt Disney Studios, possibly because the recently frozen head of Walt Disney had heard through the grapevine that Ellison was a man who was so goddamned scary, Death wouldn't come within five miles of wherever he happened to be at any given moment.

On Ellison's very first day he was greeted with a parking spot with his name freshly stenciled on it, a two-room office, a private bathroom, and his own secretary. His coworkers were a staff of writers he knew and respected. It was a dream job. So naturally, Ellison wound up burning it all to the ground almost immediately.

Katie Rommel-Esham
"That castle is bigger than I was expecting. Mind if I step out for a bit for some more gasoline?"

Ellison soon joined his new colleagues for lunch, because no one actually works on their first day at a big company. Wanting to make an impression as a fun, irreverent guy, and blessed with an impeccable Mickey Mouse impersonation, he proposed a hardcore Disney porno that "rips the lid off the goody two-shoes hypocrisy that lies sweltering beneath the surface of G-rated true-life adventures." And then he began acting out scenes.

We're not going to go into too much detail, but we will say that Minnie's "quivering labia" were referenced, and that a scene involving Tinker Bell using her wings to "flap off" a giant penis was proposed (in fairness, the penis would be normal-sized, because Tink is a tiny magic fairy). Mickey would pop the buttons off of his iconic red pants and torpedo all seven dwarfs, while Pluto, the bumbling film producer, would struggle to keep everything running smoothly with comic ineptness.

Walt Disney
"Can't we go out to lunch just once where you don't imitate Goofy bondage sex?"

Unfortunately for Ellison, Walt's nephew Roy was having lunch with a bunch of other studio executives directly behind him. Either Ellison's new co-workers had also failed to notice all of their bosses dining in the same room, or had decided that Ellison's pitch deserved to be heard by those with the power to green-light it into production. Whatever the case, Ellison returned to his office to find his secretary gone, a pink slip on his desk, and his name removed from his parking spot, because sometimes life has the comedic timing of a sitcom. Ellison worked at Walt Disney Studios for a grand total of four hours, because, in his words, "nobody fucks with The Mouse." Especially not literally.

And while we're on the subject ...

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Rugrats' Animators Relaxed by Drawing Jokes About Incest and Child Abuse


Rugrats was a cartoon about babies and their overactive baby imaginations, set to a score by one of the founding members of Devo. While the on-screen baby shenanigans were entirely wholesome, the cast and crew were anything but. In one incident, a writer and voice actor pranked Arlene Klasky, one of the production company bigwigs, with a fake script. In it, the main baby protagonist Tommy Pickles hears a mysterious squeaking noise coming from his parents' bedroom. Curious, he crawls up the steps to investigate. The noise gets louder and faster as he gets closer, until finally Tommy opens the door to discover his parents jackhammering a baby brother into existence. Klasky was ... unamused.


Not to be outdone, the animators kept themselves busy in their downtime by drawing sexually explicit depictions of the show's characters long before anyone had heard of Rule 34. Melanie Chartoff, who voiced Tommy's overbearing mother, was once led into the men's bathroom by an animator to see some of their filthy handiwork, because apparently no part of that scenario threw up any red flags. Every stall featured drawings of Tommy's mom in S&M gear -- leather, whips, chains, basically anything you'd need to stare at in order to poop successfully.

Somehow, that's not the worst creation the animators brought to hellish, screaming life. To blow off steam, they would pass a storyboard around among them. Each animator was required to make their own progressively filthy addition to whatever the previous animator had drawn. In this page, Tommy is finally trying to exact his revenge on Angelica by tricking her into drinking poison when his father Stu comes roaring drunkenly into the room, causing Tommy to shit in his pants uncontrollably. The scene then ends with Stu casually laying out his plans to bone Angelica when she gets older.

Via Lostmedia.wikia.com
We're a little disappointed, "Now give tribute to the alpha male!" never made it into an episode.

It seems that only one page of the storyboard still exists, because owning any portion of the rest of it would surely earn you a spot on a federal watch list.

Patrick Coyne is a writer from Philadelphia. He's been rejected by McSweeney's 17 times. To learn more about Patrick, please visit https://www.google.com/.

For other shenanigans that probably-didn't-happen-but-hey-maybe-they-did on the set of Full House, check out Foul House: Hugs, Drugs, And Scandal On The Set Of Full House. Or see some more proof that you probably shouldn't show the chil'ren anything on television in 7 Horrifying Things Snuck Into Famous Children's Cartoons.

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