Cracked is a genie, and it is here to grant you an arbitrary number of wishes, depending on its mood and how drunk you get it before asking. Pay attention, because this is important: Writing for Cracked will make all of your dreams come true. How do I know this? Because it happened to me. Back in the fall of 2007, I was just some random dickhead on the Internet. But look at me now: a professional dickhead on the Internet. It all started when I saw Cracked's first call for writers, and it hit me: "I could do this while both high and naked," I thought, "and somebody might pay me for it." At the time, that was the extent of my dreams -- to be high and naked and paid -- but porn wouldn't have me. Something about "looking like a dude who enjoys cheese too much."
Uh oh, this is getting to be a block of text. That's a problem on the Internet, where you have to trick people into reading with images. Like these:
You like that shit, you visually oriented sicko? Good! We got work for you. Go ahead and check it out. I know you were about to TL;DR this sucker anyway.
Anyway, I saw the call for writers, I went into the workshop, I read the guidelines, I got feedback from some kindly moderators who are definitely not deadly robots biding their time until the uprising, and I got my first article accepted. I told the world how I felt about "Jukebox Hero," and I made enough money for a video game!
Boom. Two lifelong dreams that I had previously thought unobtainable, obtained.
Obviously I tried this stunt again, convinced that a real business with stuff like checkbooks and printers would never fall for it a second time. But they did! I just kept pulling this whole writing scam on them, and they kept going for it. I had them so thoroughly conned that eventually they gave me a column. Then they made me an editor! I had honestly never aspired to be a salaried employee. I liked my jobs like I liked my women: disreputable and paid by the hour. But there I was, a job-havin' son of a bitch. Just like an accountant or something!
Then it got crazier: A publisher called me out of the blue, said they saw my work on Cracked, and asked me for a book proposal. Countless writers are out there right now sacrificing goats to Mohlich, dark lord of the Literary Arts, just to get a publisher to glance at their stuff, and I had one coming to me. Then I wrote a weird little self-published serial novel, and sold 30,000 copies. Then I sold a trilogy of urban fantasy books to Tor. And these weren't even about normal book stuff! This is crazy shit I learned how to do on Cracked -- B-list heartthrobs being secret monsters and industrial angels that keep the gears of the universe turning with human sacrifice and such. Before Cracked I couldn't say that stuff out loud without winding up under some sort of "medical hold" -- now I pay my rent with it.
Kris Hanke/iStock/Getty Images
And now I only wear this when I want to.
I know what you're thinking: "I can't replicate this story. This guy might just be really talented!"
Hahaha, have you read me?
No. This is not a fluke. Here are the books David Wong gets to write because of this site. Here are the books Gladstone gets to write. Here's the one Chris Bucholz got to write. Here's -- you know what? We're gonna lose a bunch of people unless there's a numbered list somewhere in here.
The Most Bafflingly Insane Books (That You Can Buy Today)
Adams Media, St. Martin's Griffin, Three Rivers Press
1. C. Coville wrote a book practically daring you to review it.
2. Kathy Benjamin wrote a book about funerals as a hasty excuse when she was caught in that morgue -- but they bought it!
3. Asher Cantrell turned his frankly perverse love of words into a book.
4. Dan O'Brien has one that will almost certainly get him probed by the Secret Service (again).
5. Jacopo Della Quercia wrote an adventure book that probably gives you college credit.
6. Winston Rowntree wrote a book with pictures -- I didn't even know you could do that!
7. Robert Evans has one so cool I can't even link to it yet!
8. And probably a bunch of other people who are gonna be super mad that I forgot about their book. If it helps: I am now and always have been an asshole. You really should've seen this coming.
You don't want to write? I don't blame you. Words are a sucker's game. Just hit up this tip line, tell us your story, and let some other dipwad do the real work. That's called delegating, and it's what winners do. You don't want a book deal either? Jesus, you are hard to please. Well, what about food? Do you like to eat it? For that, you need a job. This is not only how I got my job but how nearly every editor at Cracked got their job. You want this position? You click that button at the top of the website, and that's it. You just started your first day.
Don't just stand there smiling like an asshole. Get me my fucking writing bourbon, tell Adam Brown to get these hobos away from my desk -- no, they're not his "band"; he just pays them to say that -- and, for god's sake, no matter what you do, do not look David Wong in the eye. He hasn't gone mad with power or anything. He's just got beautiful eyes. You'll get lost in those bastards. You'll never come back.
After you've finished signing up, check out some of Brockway's earlier works that made him world-famous in 5 Astounding Advances In The Science Of Getting Drunk and 7 Images Too Badass To Be Real (That Totally Are).
Hurry! Our Back To School Sale is ending Sunday and so is your last chance to finally be cool. Go to the Cracked Dispensary and get yourself free shipping with the code SCHOOLDROOLS. Buy one before the popular kids snatch them all up.