Some things are so ridiculously awesome that they simply defy belief, and when the logical mind encounters them, it can do naught but shut itself down in numb, slack-jawed shock. These are a few moments in time so incredible that they should rightfully only exist within the pages of comic books, so insane they’re more like jump-cuts in Heavy Metal videos, and so badass that they instantly make everything you’ve done seem worthless by comparison. So settle in, enjoy, and say goodbye to every sense of pride or accomplishment that you’ve ever had:
This appears to be a photograph of a man attacking a van with his tremendously explosive forehead - but is in actuality of Dennis Pinto, a stuntman from North Carolina. Dennis seems to have misunderstood exactly what stuntmen are supposed to do which, ideally, is to simulate incredibly dangerous scenarios while in reality remaining safe and secure, because Pinto’s “stunt” here is not actually a photo of a spectacularly destructive failure. This is what was supposed to happen! And that’s why Mr. Pinto is easily the hardest motherfucker on earth: The man sees this horrific orgy of flame and steel, this outtake from a Die Hard movie, this screencap from the biggest budget snuff film in history, and thinks “Total success! That went down exactly how I wanted it to.”
The plan was to race a motorcycle at 60 MPH into the side of a parked van, which would then explode, sending him flying through the flames and out the other side where he would cushion his landing…with a couple of cardboard boxes. And because Dennis Pinto is apparently the Highlander, he also insisted that he be set on fire before they could even start. This man’s typical work day consists of him dying a more catastrophic death than a Batman villain…then getting up and taking a bow. So, next time your job’s got you a little down, just think of ol’ Dennis Pinto here, and realize that any complaints you might have can only serve to make you look like kind of a pussy in comparison. Really, the only way he could make you look worse is if he was doing like, the Kid ‘n Play Shuffle or something while flying through that explosion.
Oh. Well, you are fucked.
Say hi to Larry, the latest creation from the Mutoid Waste Company in North London. He would say hello back, but unfortunately the only language Larry speaks is Hellfire, and he conjugates his verbs by tearing out the throats of angels. Larry is basically half-motorcycle, half-dog, half-robot and half dragon. If my math is off by a bit here, please forgive me – I’m just little distracted by this magnificent son of a bitch who rides the Houndlike Guardian of Robot Hell to work every morning, while I loudly curse my Kia Optima and seethe in impotent, jealous awe.
If you want the technical specs, Larry the Robot Dog is powered by a Citroen 2CV engine and transmission and, though his front legs are fully functional, his back legs have been replaced by wheels to make him more stable and improve speed. Although, may I be perfectly frank? If your main concern right this moment is understanding the practicalities of Larry’s construction, I suggest that you set your priorities straight and use this time to instead find whoever stole all the joy out of your life and kick them in the balls.
Merce Death, an avant-garde Japanese musician, is seen here playing his latest invention: The Lightning Guitar. Technically speaking, this is just an ordinary electric guitar hooked up to a Tesla coil instead of a traditional amplifier. And it in no way grants Mr. Death the ability to fight crime by firing devastating lightning bolts whenever he plays a particularly bitchin’ solo…but you’d never know that from reading the thousands of pages of fan fiction I just wrote.
It makes sense, though: If anybody was going to combine the power of lightning with the inventions of Nicola Tesla and some sweet-ass guitar riffs, of course it would be the Japanese. In retrospect, the seminal 80s metal band Tesla dropped the ball a little here. Oh, and for future reference, Japan: We will totally forgive you for all future anime octopus rape, just as long as you keep pumping out shit like this once in a while.
This is what they call a Dirty Thunderstorm, and it occurs whenever the ash plume from an erupting volcano generates enough static electricity, or whenever you finally hurl Sauron’s accursed ring into the fires of Mt. Doom. It is seen here above the Chaiten volcano in Chile. And just…holy shit, look at it:
It’s the only thing on earth that gives the Devil nightmares. It’s what would happen if natural disasters could bolt together Voltron-style. It’s the single, best way that nature can give you the finger. It’s like every single AC/DC album cover came to life and punched your eyeballs right in the dick.
Over 4,000 local inhabitants living in the area were forced to flee in the wake of this eruption, which is truly admirable - because personally, I would have been too busy alternately flashing horns at it, holding my lighter aloft, and intermittently soiling myself to do much in the way of successful fleeing.
There is a series of viral videos circling the ‘net right now, wherein a superimposed Bruce Lee seems to play ping pong, light matches, and just generally lives a normal life - save for using Nunchucks in place of hands. Now, while I have no doubt that this was accurately reflective of a typical day in Mr. Lee’s life, these particular videos happen to be fakes. However, apparently somebody forgot to tell that to this martial arts master from Sapporo, Japan, and so he actually does go about his day opening champagne bottles with Nunchucks, playing Nunchuck baseball and presumably making a nice dinner of Nunchuck chicken, with a side of garlic-infused Nunchucked potatos, maybe paired with a precocious little katana Chablis and finishing out the evening with a scintillating Handgrenade Cheesecake.
Seriously, it’s like the man just didn’t understand the concept of special effects and so was wholly unaware that human beings are not supposed to be able to actually do these things. Just don’t be surprised if, in about six months time, you find yourself watching a grainy clip of a small Asian man literally morphing into a Ford Mustang after somebody shows him a pirated copy of Transformers.
What the horse is thinking: Oh god! No fucking way is this actually happening! It has to be a nightmare. Wake up, Honeydew, please wake up!
In Chinese zoos, they do things just a bit differently than here in the States. For example, the flow of foot traffic is typically reversed, in place of popcorn and hot dogs you may find more traditional Chinese fare such as fish balls or steamed buns - oh, and also you may notice some of their exhibits mounting the other exhibits and racing them around while roaring, frothing at the mouth and just generally scaring the holy shit out of everybody forever.
What the lion is thinking: LION > HORSE!
In this particular exhibit, an adult lion is trained to climb onto a waiting horse, which then jogs about the ring while the bravest, cruelest, or perhaps the most dangerously suicidal man in all of China provides incentive by cracking his whip at them. Yes, in Chinese zoos there is a man whose sole duty is to make sudden movements and loud noises in order to frighten and aggravate the Horse-mounted Lion Cavalry. A ticket buys you the whole seat, but you’ll only need the edge…no seriously, you shouldn’t get too comfortable here. You’re gonna want all the headstart you can get when they bust out the Flying Motorcycle Bear.
Oh god, did you think I was kidding? NO! FOR CHRIST’S SAKE RUN, MAN, RUN!
This entry was posted on Wednesday, December 17th, 2008 at 9:08 am and is filed under Led Zeppelin, Terrifying, badass, rock. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
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October 23rd, 2009 at 10:02 am
Whoa, that shit is awesome. The Motorcycle Bear was simply amazing, and I loved the way it was mentioned earlier as a joke.
September 30th, 2009 at 3:42 pm
Oh God, I laughed so hard when you mentioned a flying motorcycle bear in the horse-mounted lion part.
And then I scrolled down.
I still don’t think my mind has fully comprehended what I have just seen.
September 23rd, 2009 at 6:13 am
Cracked.com is so epic. It’s my drug.
September 17th, 2009 at 12:44 am
[...] 2- Top 7 Images Too Badass To Be Real [...]
September 8th, 2009 at 12:20 pm
i AWEd at that bear pick, what have we as humans done so wrong to justify createing this?
September 3rd, 2009 at 6:05 am
Awesome post. Thanks for a great read!
August 26th, 2009 at 10:08 am
hahahaha thunder volcano was hilarious.
August 6th, 2009 at 12:27 pm
That is just plain kickass.
July 18th, 2009 at 6:21 pm
This made me laugh so much, but daammn. If 6, 4, 2 and 1 combined together, I’d probably have heart failure before I could even think of getting out of there.
July 9th, 2009 at 5:10 pm
Notice how in the Nunchaku Baseball clip, baseball is refered to as Croquet!
June 13th, 2009 at 8:48 am
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June 4th, 2009 at 8:51 am
Niggers.
April 23rd, 2009 at 10:04 am
actual a dirty thunderstorm is something much funnier look it up on urban dictionary
February 18th, 2009 at 10:28 pm
Sorry whoever mace this list, but in terms of sheer badassery #4 is the obvious winner.
February 6th, 2009 at 12:55 pm
Okay, first off. It no good. Lion Riding Horse - it made up. We staple Lion’s hooves to horse. Lahts and lahts uf yelling. We say - “you ride lion - do good job lion - bad lion..lion no bite horse” and such.
It still myth. it much more difficult than picture show.
February 6th, 2009 at 9:02 am
About your suggestion in item #6, I would like to say that while all the joy in my life HAS in fact been stolen and I AM overly concerned with Larry’s practicalites, I am only trying to determine how fast I should run, how many guns I should buy etc should I see Larry sauntering down my neighborhood.
Also, the aforementioned joy thief has no balls.
February 3rd, 2009 at 12:33 am
Great blog, thanks for the info!
January 29th, 2009 at 4:27 am
Yanks also seem to cling on the xenophobia and child molestation thing too. The point is, yanks like to cling to the worst possible stereotypes, such as shit eating, in order to not feel shitty.
So in conclusion: Stereotypes suck. Case closed.
… Fatty
January 21st, 2009 at 9:46 pm
I would laugh if the bear fell taking the guy with him.
January 18th, 2009 at 5:33 pm
Matthew: QQ less you whiny little fuck.
Personal opinion does not objective analysis make, so piss off.
The lead-in to 1 was fucking hilarious, incidentally.
January 17th, 2009 at 10:08 am
The transition from #2 (where you mention it’s real) and the last words leading up to #1 sent me into gales of laughter! That’s so… full of win! I wonder what P.E.T.A. would say, though…
January 14th, 2009 at 10:54 pm
[...] site: I love RedState, but it’s just not the sort of place where I can put up things like 7 Images Too Badass To Be Real (That Totally Are) [...]
January 6th, 2009 at 10:35 pm
BEWARE BEAR CAVALRY……..
LION CAVALRY IS HERE………….
January 6th, 2009 at 7:27 pm
Laughing about tentacle rape is better than focusing on Japan’s offensive level of racism (or, as apologists call it, “xenophobia”), child molestation and public urination.
Why is it always the kiddie-diddling sidewalk pissers who think their kind is superior? But no, we don’t focus on that shit. We look at the ancient, bizarre fetish of screwing an octopus and we laugh.
Be glad when the leg-pulling or mockery is inaccurate. It’s most painful when it really hits home, you stupid fudge packer.
January 3rd, 2009 at 2:33 am
I laughed so hard at number 1.
so. hard.
January 2nd, 2009 at 3:39 am
Oh no, who is driving? Bear is driving! How can that be?
January 1st, 2009 at 4:49 pm
@killa
Every columnist does that. It’s not pathetic. It’s responding to (generally) undeserved criticism. Would you rather they just sit there and take it?
December 30th, 2008 at 2:45 pm
These are just another really lame website
December 29th, 2008 at 5:17 am
The nunchuck guy was kind of lame. Opening the champagne bottle was just him wacking the tip so the cork popped itself off. Everything else on here is fucking amazing!
December 28th, 2008 at 10:02 pm
does anybody else find it pathetic that robert cruises his own columns looking to flame anybody that might disagree with him? ive never seen this before.
December 28th, 2008 at 7:35 pm
@Mary McKnight
That’s because the People’s Republic of China has strict regulations on what sorts of civil organizations/NGOs are allowed to establish offices. Amnesty International doesn’t have offices there. The Red Cross for example has offices, but is tightly scrutinized by the CPC. The reason I’ve read for this strictness is that civil organizations may grow into a full independent (i.e., uncontrollable) pole of power in the Chinese political world.
Though, I have to say that in my time in Beijing, it seems that Chinese are more receptive to the plight of animals then say, the human rights of Tibetans or Uighurs. So, there may be a time soon when PETA is allowed to be in Beijing.
December 28th, 2008 at 7:12 am
What I want to know is why the hell isn’t PETA just setting up a Bejing franchise at like every Chinese zoo? This horse is begging for a PETA-riffic intervention complete with vegetarian, animal lovin’, fake fur wearing, pseudo celebrities like Haydon Penatierre. It is alarmingly awesome that the horse exhibit and the lion exhibit are allowed, dare I say, encouraged to interact because this is what every zoo going child wants to see, Simba riding Seabiscuit (AKA dinner).
December 25th, 2008 at 9:28 pm
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December 25th, 2008 at 4:12 pm
Oh man, this is def one of my favorite Cracked articles. So deliciously insane.
December 25th, 2008 at 3:26 am
I’m not sure if it’s on YouTube yet, but last week on TV here in Japan the Nunchuck baseball guy also played golf with a modified nunchuck golf driver…;p
December 24th, 2008 at 3:47 pm
[...] Cracked column is up here, and you can Digg it here if you have the Digging Sickness. But before reading, be forewarned: If [...]
December 24th, 2008 at 2:14 pm
Am I the only one who finds it funny that a guy with the last name “Pinto” explodes himself for a living?
December 24th, 2008 at 2:45 am
Hank Fox:
I completely agree with you.
Eddie von Ironforge:
There is no “food chain”. There is a food web, however, and one could say that it is made up of many different and interconnecting chains. At the edges are such creatures as (generally) have no natural predators–for example, humans. And lions. Polar bears. Certain birds on remote islands. I’m not sure why a given position in the web would justify abuse anyway. Or are you arguing that might makes right–that if we have the ability to hurt someone, we have a right to do so? I thought we generally taught our children the opposite of that.
“Yes, it’s horrible to abuse an animal, but it isn’t even in the same category as abusing a human, because we’re hurting one of our own, and to abuse one of our own is a crime against yourself.”
What a profoundly sad thing to say. In the end, it all comes back to whether I’m hurting myself?
Suffering is suffering. Human suffering is no more unique and no more terrible than the suffering of any other creature.
December 23rd, 2008 at 9:44 pm
[...] http://www.cracked.com/blog/7-images-too-badass-to-be-real-that-totally-are/ [...]
December 23rd, 2008 at 4:34 pm
just like this documentary is way too badass to be real (but it totally is): http://tinyurl.com/3nbvvz
December 23rd, 2008 at 2:32 am
Waaaayyy too much insight into the tentacle rape thing guys. Just, way too much.
December 23rd, 2008 at 12:27 am
Want to help someone down on there luck?
http://www.digitalcharity.com/m.php?id=53454
December 22nd, 2008 at 7:11 pm
This blog was shit.
Did not make me laugh at all.
December 22nd, 2008 at 11:44 am
m, Traveler,
Despite specifically giving credit to Merce Death by name in the very first fucking sentence, you’re right - I do think it was collectively the Japanese responsible for his invention.
We all know that the Japanese function as one collective hive-mind, much like ants or the borg, prefer to be referred to by the pronoun “we,” and are at their strongest when they combine to form The Mighty Nippon-tron, whose plasma saber is the bane of many a Dread Space Wyrm.
Also, google ‘tentacle rape’ and find me the American movies featuring it. Did I miss Octopus Skies starring Cameron Diaz? Deep Blue Love featuring Keanu Reeves as the sweet but troubled squid-demon Umibozu? No? That’s because it is a stereotype specific to your fucking country. Just like being fat and stupid is to Americans. Just like pooping on each other is to Germans. Just like telling people to ‘eat dicks’ rather engaging in intelligent discourse is to the internet.
So, on that note: Eat dicks.
December 22nd, 2008 at 11:15 am
Correction, traveler: between nation-wide bouts of tentacle sex, the Japanese engaged in more tentacle sex.
Uncultured swine.
December 22nd, 2008 at 10:06 am
m says: “Yes, because that tentacle rape thing is CLEARLY a fucking national phenomenon, rather than just an incredibly specific fetish, at least according to how you yanks keep yammering on about it.”
Yes, CRACKED can’t seem to stop repeating that meme over and over. And then there’s the Lighting Guitar: you’d think it was invented by musician Merce Death, but no, according to CRACKED, it was invented by “the Japanese”. ALL of them. Apparently during the breaks between nation-wide bouts of tentacle sex.
December 22nd, 2008 at 2:32 am
Yes, because that tentacle rape thing is CLEARLY a fucking national phenomenon, rather than just an incredibly specific fetish, at least according to how you yanks keep yammering on about it.
December 21st, 2008 at 9:48 pm
I fear not the lion, nor the horse, but the lion riding the horse’s back, trampling and devouring everything in it’s path.
That and every single AC/DC album cover coming to life and punching my eyeballs right in the dick.
December 21st, 2008 at 5:20 pm
That lion and pony show is nothing. I want to see an elephant riding a horse…perhaps I could just settle for a human riding an elephant riding an elephant:
http://www.videovat.com/videos/14520/elephant-riding.aspx
December 21st, 2008 at 2:06 pm
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December 21st, 2008 at 4:53 am
Good, it just proves what a simple, deluded little fool you are.
Actually, please, go live with animals. Prove your own points.
December 21st, 2008 at 4:20 am
Eddie said:
“ … you live in this happy idealised world where [...] those pointy teeth and claws are just for show.”
Except this particular animal HAS NO POINTY TEETH AND CLAWS. Not even for show.
We’re back to my original point: This animal is being mistreated, and that’s ugly as hell, in my opinion, because he’s totally defenseless against anything anyone wants to do to him. The fact that he has no teeth and claws means he NEVER had any defense against us. Because even when he had teeth and claws, he was unable to prevent having them yanked out.
And damn, if a lion can’t defend himself against us, what can?
I say again: Animals are, for the most part, totally defenseless against us.
Which makes abusing them cowardly. More cowardly than abusing other humans. Because, as we’ve seen here, humans always have defenders. Animals seldom do. And only a deeply gutless bully would hurt something that was so defenseless it didn’t even have defenders.
You yourself prove one of my points by leaping to the defense of our fellow humans. And you really nail the point down when you make these petty cracks about me for daring to speak up for this poor toothless, clawless lion.
You actually seem to think there’s something wrong with caring for animals. Kid, I’ll take the “sunshine and rainbows” over that mindset, any old day of the week.
December 21st, 2008 at 3:01 am
[...] images too badass to be real (but totally [...]
December 21st, 2008 at 1:46 am
[...] folks at Cracked.com made a post about 7 Images Too Badass to be Real that I recommend checking out. Here’s just one of the [...]
December 21st, 2008 at 1:25 am
That’s because we’re humans, not animals, we live in a society of humans, we’ve outgrown a society of animals.
You don’t live on the same planet as the rest of us, you live in this happy idealised world where things such as the food chain don’t exist, and everything is filled with sunshine and rainbows and all the animals are filled with wuv and cuggles. Those pointy teeth and claws are just for show.
Yes, it’s horrible to abuse an animal, but it isn’t even in the same category as abusing a human, because we’re hurting one of our own, and to abuse one of our own is a crime against yourself.
December 20th, 2008 at 2:12 pm
Allow me to elaborate on what I said previously.
Quotes from below:
“Fuck off Hank. They are animals. How can you compare animal abuse and child abuse. Fuck you and Good Day, Sir!”
“I believe that being mean to a handicap child is much worse than being mean to an animal.”
“Word on all that shit, Hank except the part about being cruel to animals being worse than being cruel to a handicapped person.”
See? People leap to the defense on the subject of kids being abused, and rightly so.
But that’s exactly my point. Abusing animals is worse, and you have to be really gutless to abuse an animal, because they have almost no defense against the abuse. Whereas kids have defenders — Us.
From the point of view of the abused, mistreatment is equally horrible.
But from the point of view of the abuser, it takes a special brand of cowardice to hurt an animal, because animals are way more vulnerable.
Nobody would stand by and watch someone hurt a child. But all too many of us would stand by and do nothing if it was an animal. Some of us would even laugh.
And that’s why, in my opinion, it’s MUCH worse to abuse an animal.
December 19th, 2008 at 7:36 pm
Jenna, what the FUCK are you talking about?
Are you telling me that there are actual animal abusers luring unsuspecting innocent animals into barns with grain and hay only to inflict violence on them, swearing that they’ll come back and get them if they tell anyone?
If so, I think we live in two entirely different worlds.
December 19th, 2008 at 1:11 pm
Word on all that shit, Hank except the part about being cruel to animals being worse than being cruel to a handicapped person.
To me, they’re both pretty equally heinous as they both involve taking advantage of their trust in order to lure them in and set them up for the abuse and anyone who does THAT is a worthless piece of shit.
December 19th, 2008 at 10:44 am
Great list!
Original Robo Dog video here:
http://www.dontpaniconline.com/magazine/success/robo-dog
December 19th, 2008 at 10:25 am
m,
Stop raping people with tentacles and we’ll stop talking about how you rape people with tentacles. Easy enough.
Thomas,
Hey, I may be the new guy, but I’m still a regular. I can’t be your DOB, all right?! I WANT TO, BUT I JUST CAN’T AND YOU’RE GOING TO HAVE TO ACCEPT THAT.
December 19th, 2008 at 9:33 am
“It’s like every single AC/DC album cover came to life and punched your eyeballs right in the dick.”
har har har !!!
yoo w1n t3h 1nt3rn3t m4n c05 y0o 1z c0o1
December 19th, 2008 at 8:07 am
I agree with Ibh, is that fear or rage in the horse’s eyes?
December 19th, 2008 at 8:04 am
Haha.
I dont think some of these are real.
December 19th, 2008 at 7:42 am
With all this talk about that poor lion, I gotta say…my sympathies lie with the horse. Jesus, look at it’s expression in the second photo. Still a crazy/awesome pic though.
On a related note*: The last equine slaughter house in the US closed a little while back. One unfortunate and unforseen result of that, combined with the recent recession, has been an an increase (<4x) in domestic horses being abandoned in the wilds of western states by owners who no longer can afford to keep them. Instead of being adopted by wild herds, as their owners might’ve hoped, they are being found starving by the side of highways. (Yes, people are cruel but at least those Chinese critters have jobs)
*paraphrasing from a news report
Hank: if you are truely serious about the abuse of animals being worse than children, handicapped or otherwise, then you are a douchebag. If you were attempting to be funny, then I’m guessing your only “stand-up” gigs are performed in front of the bathroom mirror… and you’re still a douchebag. Sorry dude.
December 19th, 2008 at 7:37 am
Some of those are amazingly crazy
December 19th, 2008 at 5:28 am
[...] Explosions! Guitars that shoot lightning! …A lion riding riding a horse? Here’s a list of things that are so awesome they melt your brain and end up confusing you.
December 19th, 2008 at 2:47 am
Dude, that was an awesome article, major props. I prepare for the worst when I don’t see DOB or Swaim or one of the regulars, but that was top shelf.
December 19th, 2008 at 2:28 am
Oh great, MORE jealousy fueled jabs at the japanese, ha ha ha. With the ever present tentacle hentai joke that you americans seem to desperately cling to.
December 18th, 2008 at 10:58 pm
First off Hank, I want you to you to know that I did not write the statement below. If I was to tell you to fuck off I would do so under the name I use here, not anonymously. Secondly,though I would have to agree with the commentators sentiments. I believe that being mean to a handicap child is much worse than being mean to an animal.
Do I think some of the things that I did as as an ignorant youth are still pretty funny, yes , yes I do. Would I do them today, let my children do them or even tell them about them, no , no I don’t or would not.Part of that was written tongue in cheek, but some my sarcasm does not translate well to the written word.
People laugh or find humor in all kinds of things they should not, like the characters Timmy or Jimmy on South Park or racial jokes. Do I tell racist jokes, no, do I laugh if I hear a good one, well, yes. Is it right, no, funny, yes.
December 18th, 2008 at 10:40 pm
The WTF face on the horse is awesome.
December 18th, 2008 at 10:40 pm
That video makes me not want the robo dog anymore. Thanks, Robert!
December 18th, 2008 at 10:31 pm
Fuck off Hank. They are animals. How can you compare animal abuse and child abuse. Fuck you and Good Day, Sir!
December 18th, 2008 at 9:28 pm
I almost don’t want to show it to you, but:
http://www.veoh.com/videos/v16860823g9anBMpK?source=embed
I mean, it’s still rad and all - but in my head, the thing was doing like 85MPH while hopping across buildings…
December 18th, 2008 at 9:21 pm
It’s too bad they don’t have a video for the Robot/Motorcycle/Dog. If anybody finds a video of it, be sure to post it.
December 18th, 2008 at 9:05 pm
Jesus said behold my mighty cock
December 18th, 2008 at 8:23 pm
Someone remarked on how amazing it is that a bear could ride a motorcycle. I once saw a grizzly cub in captivity jump up on a large ball in his compound, and just casually stand on his hind legs on top of it. It was darned amazing, but he acted like it was nothing at all. I figured they must have a massively greater sense of balance than we do. The body language of the motorcycle-riding bear above “bears” this out — he looks like he’s saying “Ho-hum. Just another day of riding a motorcycle across a cable 60 feet in the air. How I miss the days when they used to let me ride the motorcycle across the cable 60 feet in the air and simultaneously juggle flaming AIDS-infected cobras.”
Glendoor42: I sometimes do standup comedy, so I can probably be said to know a teeny bit about humor.
I get the point about those things that people did back in the day when we didn’t know any better. Hell, I grew up among Deep South racists and coon hunters. But remembering those days and the things you did, and still thinking they’re funny, is not that funny.
I’m pretty sure I’ve seen the horse and lion act (or was it a tiger?) performed by Ringling Bros. Circus, but I don’t remember Ringling’s lions being toothless, clawless, castrated and scabby. My point is that you could do the act, and it could be cool to watch, and we could all get a laugh, WITHOUT treating the animals as if they were garbage.
Being mean to animals is an order of magnitude worse than being mean to, say, handicapped kids. I don’t think it’s ever out of place to point out stuff like this — seems to me we should just never get blase about cruelty.
And it’s not enough to just say “Oh, you people are such wet blankets! I was only kidding!” In private, we can make any jokes we want. But in public, there are some things nobody should get away with, without at least SOME comment.
In this case, this poor lion has been treated like a disposable toy. There’s something pretty damned nasty about that.
December 18th, 2008 at 8:13 pm
Well I’d hate to see where you tie the string on those people.
December 18th, 2008 at 7:33 pm
[...] 7 Images Too Badass To Be Real (That Totally Are) | Cracked.com [...]
December 18th, 2008 at 7:28 pm
Dangercide:
You know, really, I pretty much figured all that.
While watching the irony of people over-react to their perception of my over-reacting never gets old you might have better luck calming people down if you lose the condescending asshole attitude. If indeed that is your goal, but, hey, I’m just sayin’.
glendoor:
I know what you mean. I like doing the same thing to people who mistreat animals. Well, except for rabbits because, fuck them. They deserve it.
December 18th, 2008 at 6:03 pm
Thank you Mr Brockway, but no - I’m a physics undergraduate. Nice, hardcore science. I just felt moved to defend an article that is too badass to be real
Good job!
December 18th, 2008 at 5:11 pm
Animal cruelty can be pretty funny.
My brothers and I ( glendoor43 and glendoor44) use to get neighborhood cats and tie a paper bag to their tail with a piece of string and set the bag on fire and watch them run and laugh and laugh, good times, good times. One of the cats set a empty house on fire though, that was pretty exciting and we did not get caught, HA HA.
Now please remember this was pretty much before the advent of video games and cable only had 13 channels back then. We all turned out all
right, didn’t turn into serial killers or anything. I ‘m retired Army, glendoor43 is former Marine Recon and now owns his own interior design business and lives in the Midwest with his longtime companion Bob( also a former Marine) and glendoor44 is a former carpet salesman/drug dealer now turned Baptist preacher with a masters in theology.
Holidays are sure fun at glendoor42’s parents house.
December 18th, 2008 at 5:08 pm
I used to think the videos of the monkey cowboy riding the dog were hot but the lion/horse thing totally trumps it…
December 18th, 2008 at 5:08 pm
This is insane dude….still cant believe it
December 18th, 2008 at 4:36 pm
The line “It’s like every single AC/DC album cover came to life and punched your eyeballs right in the dick” made me lol for about five minutes.
December 18th, 2008 at 4:18 pm
I’m terribly disappointed you didn’t say anything about the lion’s giant dick… just sticking out there… for everyone to see it in all it’s penis glory…
December 18th, 2008 at 4:08 pm
[...] Are you addicted to Awesome? Many of us are afflicted with this dependency. But thanks to swantower, I can re-share “7 Images Too Badass to Be Real (That Totally Are)”. [...]
December 18th, 2008 at 3:46 pm
The lion and the horse look awsome.
December 18th, 2008 at 3:41 pm
Dang. I was kidding about the animal cruelty thing. Geez. Sure animal cruelty is bad and probably plagues developing nations as well as established ones like the US of A but I don’t think Cracked.com is the medium for serious discussion on it. After all, it’s a humor website. Bad things happen when people take humor seriously.
Laughing at yourself and others is expected. Hell, I’m a fatass between jobs who’s living in his dad’s attic typing this comment up in his underwear after having finished an enormous tupperware full of leftover spaghetti. You just can’t get more pathetic than that! I put in that hippie comment because it’s something I say to all kinds of activists, even the ones who oppose hippies. Take a chill pill (to put it in early 90’s language). It’s just the comments section.
You may not know it kids, but there are numerous organizations that fight against animal cruelty, and they may even be in your area. Feel free to donate your time or money to various organizations like the Human Society or People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (that second one is not recommended…not recommended at all). Be sure to ask your parents before using the internet.
December 18th, 2008 at 2:24 pm
Holy shit! Impressive pics
December 18th, 2008 at 2:16 pm
Stupendous article!~
December 18th, 2008 at 2:01 pm
[...] spewing ash and lightning is so effing awesome that it made top photo lists on Boston.com and Cracked.com. Lightning bolts appear above and around the Chaiten volcano as seen from Chana, some 30 kms (19 [...]
December 18th, 2008 at 1:55 pm
Well, if hating animal cruelty makes me a hippy I guess I’d better go out and get me a pair of Birkenstocks and a Subaru.
In any event, as far as *I* can tell anyway, that lion could simply just be really old for all I know.
December 18th, 2008 at 1:18 pm
[...] 7 Images Too Badass To Be Real (That Totally Are): Some things are so ridiculously awesome that they simply defy belief, and when the logical mind [...]
December 18th, 2008 at 12:52 pm
Robert, don’t poke that anti-feminist bear dude, I know from personal experience the last thing you want is a spatula to the ribcage or one of those teflon pans over the head.
Any 12-year old-boy and an overactive imagination can tell you those things are a pain in the scrotum to get off if they get stuck on.
December 18th, 2008 at 11:32 am
oogabooga,
You win for my favorite comment.
Trent,
Though I know the likelihood of it is astoundingly low, I really hope you’re actually Trent Reznor. Because I have always wanted to tell you something: I want my fucking money back for Pretty Hate Machine. I was promised by my metalhead friends that it was great, and I blew my fourteen dollars on it only to find about 45 minutes of what sounded like an asthmatic man beatboxing while losing a fistfight to a 1985 Casio CZ. Fuck you, sir. Fuck you in your Head Hole.
Yab, Dude, others,
If you bitch about factual errors or biased opinions, that’s one thing. But when you bitch about the writing itself, we actually have an answer for it - one which David gave you. If you can do it better; do it. You’re boasting about your hypothetical skills when there is a well-known, entirely open and easy path to prove said skills. It’s like we have an instant shut-the-fuck-up button just for you - if you don’t do it, you look like a bitch. If you do it and fail, you look like a bitch. If you do it and it is less successful than this post, you look like a bitch. Literally the only option you now have where you don’t look like a bitch is to write a seriously awesome article for us. That sure would shut us up, wouldn’t it?
Straylight,
Holy shit. Did you just…you totally just used an English degree, didn’t you? That’s the first time, ever! Suck it, hard science majors!
Elle,
Something ‘having balls,’ is a well established colloquialism - you’re taking feminist political correctness way, way too far and are doing so in an improper medium. You know what would be a better arena? The kitchen. The acoustics in there are just lovely and would resound quite nicely in a spirited debate. Also, make me a sandwich while you’re up.
Distracting User Name,
You’re not fooling anybody, Dan.
December 18th, 2008 at 11:23 am
::sigh:: I’m just waiting for Brockway to come lay some verbal smackdown on Yab and the other morons in here who have absolutely no understanding of cracked humor.
When he went off on that one dude last week…the “first facefuck at a denny’s reststop”….I almost shit my pants.
December 18th, 2008 at 11:20 am
Really depends on his job, Glendoor.
December 18th, 2008 at 10:52 am
kingmonkey put some goddamn clothes on, that’s more info than we needed to know. For your sake I hope that you are off work today.
December 18th, 2008 at 10:48 am
“No, it’s a lion. Who’s mounted on a horse. That’s why it’s called a horse-mounted lion.”
The lion is mountING the horse, so you could call the assembly a horse-mounting lion. But it’s the horse that’s mounted, so it’s a lion-mounted horse.
December 18th, 2008 at 9:23 am
i went found the man who sucked the joy out of my life and kicked him in the balls, still no joy. well kicking him in the balls was kinda fun
December 18th, 2008 at 8:31 am
I was ok until I saw the last picture, at that point I nearly passed out!
December 18th, 2008 at 8:31 am
Ross, what about the guy’s jokes from Predator?
“I went to my girlfriend and said ‘I’d like a little pussy.’ She said ’so would I, mine’s as big as a house.’”
December 18th, 2008 at 8:14 am
@ Elle:
To be fair, it doesn’t really work when you try to be equal. Like, you can’t describe a tough woman as having a massive vag.
December 18th, 2008 at 8:01 am
one of the funniest articles in a while. damn fine, damn fine.
December 18th, 2008 at 6:47 am
What the horse and lion are thinking: When we’re done acting out this spectacular display of human retardation, we’re gonna tag-team those bitches and HELL if we let them walk away with their genitals intact.
December 18th, 2008 at 6:40 am
i absolutely adore Dennis Pinto <3
December 18th, 2008 at 5:30 am
#2 reminds me of 2guys1horse.com
December 18th, 2008 at 5:08 am
@Tartra
Yes. I know. My point is that constantly mentioning balls is getting tiring. Seen the term “ballsiest woman?” I have. Logically, that doesn’t mean a thing, but every time you see anything mentioning bravery, pride, weaponry, etc, you’ll find balls. What the fuck.
December 18th, 2008 at 4:40 am
Cracked me up. Totally. One of the very best!
December 18th, 2008 at 3:59 am
This has just been the best article on Cracked that I have ever read, too badass to be real in fact.
December 18th, 2008 at 3:56 am
“actually, it’s a lion-mounted horse. cause the lion has mounted the horse, not the other way around.”
No, it’s a lion. Who’s mounted on a horse. That’s why it’s called a horse-mounted lion.
December 18th, 2008 at 3:23 am
na this is the best image of 2008…. http://www.shortershelflife.com
December 18th, 2008 at 3:09 am
actually, it’s a lion-mounted horse. cause the lion has mounted the horse, not the other way around.
December 18th, 2008 at 2:42 am
holy shit. the bear… it needs no description. its not badass. it is the most ridiculous thing i have ever seen, in my entire existence. thank you, cracked, for making my week.
HOW DOES A FUCKING BEAR DRIVE A MOTORCYCLE?
and the lady on the trapeze is just chillin’
December 18th, 2008 at 2:16 am
@Tartra. Read what she said one more time, slowly. Try very hard to pick up the subtle strains of sarcasm. They are there.
Larry is now officially the coolest thing on wheels.
December 18th, 2008 at 1:50 am
@Elle
What the fuck are you talking about? I’m a chick and the last time I checked, I don’t have balls.
… At least, I hope not, or my anatomy has some explaining to do.
December 18th, 2008 at 1:24 am
Those are way whacked pictures too good to be true but are real!
December 18th, 2008 at 1:15 am
I liked how two of them were more video than pictures and I’m a little let down that there was no description on the last one..
December 18th, 2008 at 1:10 am
“It’s like every single AC/DC album cover came to life and punched your eyeballs right in the dick.”
An ingenious bi-line like this comes but once every 300,000 years. It’s all downhill from here folks. Kudos, Sir Wordmaster.
December 18th, 2008 at 1:02 am
[...] vid
December 18th, 2008 at 12:59 am
Dangercide said: “… isn’t the fact that an all-gums, declawed, ‘emasculated,’ king of the jungle riding on the back of a horse that’s ‘freaked out of his mind’ while smiling like a handicapped man at Disneyland hilarious enough in itself without you guys picking it apart?”
Um … no. Darned compassion gets in the way of all the good animal cruelty jokes.
Besides, do lions smile?
December 18th, 2008 at 12:59 am
While I like your stuff, you need to learn some new words. Not everything you find impressive needs to mention the devil eighty times, just like constantly mentioning your dick doesn’t make us think any more of it. Yes. Brave men have balls. Brave women are actually men, because balls are an important part of bravery. Concept understood.
December 18th, 2008 at 12:44 am
[...] I want a pony-riding lion Possibly related posts: (automatically generated)i need a date!Wow, I’m sick of my own whining [...]
December 18th, 2008 at 12:42 am
damn, that lightning guitar was pretty fuckin cool!!!
if i could actually play a guitar, i’d definitely have to try that out.
December 18th, 2008 at 12:33 am
OKay that Lion on the Horse that was pretty badass
December 18th, 2008 at 12:14 am
Yeah that last one caught me off guard.
December 18th, 2008 at 12:10 am
Well I’ll be damned. I did think you were joking.
December 17th, 2008 at 11:59 pm
#2 had me crying; I was laughing so hard!
December 17th, 2008 at 11:56 pm
Dear Cracked Writers,
Hey! Over here! Right here! For your convenience I’ll fill you in on everybody else’s comments so you don’t have to.
Today I’ve learned not to read the comments section. Aside from the awesome praise this awesome article deserves, there’s only three other types of comment of note.
1. Anger at the quality of the article. I really don’t see a problem. Are they reading something from CNN and commenting here? Otherwise, they’re angry that they’re not Cracked writers, and they’re only Cracked commenters. Truly a step down on the scale as commenters are to Cracked writers what remora are to sharks.
2. Impossibility of punching eyeballs in the dick. Oh, it’s possible. But the punch has to be so tremendous and so well-targeted that only seven people on earth are capable of doing it.
3. Anger at the treatment of animals in Chinese Zoos. Get a haircut hippie!
Also, a quick note to the other commenters isn’t the fact that an all-gums, declawed, ‘emasculated,’ king of the jungle riding on the back of a horse that’s ‘freaked out of his mind’ while smiling like a handicapped man at Disneyland hilarious enough in itself without you guys picking it apart?
December 17th, 2008 at 11:25 pm
Okay, what about Dragonforce album covers… way more Chaiten volcano than ACDC.
December 17th, 2008 at 11:14 pm
Pretty good. I’d prefer most of DOB’s work, but the article is still pretty entertaining.
December 17th, 2008 at 11:07 pm
seriously, you people need to stop bitching, it took me about 3 minutes to get through it all, its not awesome but fuck me its pretty amusing. the people bitching are the people that get shit on every day of their life and have nothing better to do than bitch because thats all they can do….hide behind a keyboard and flame, douches
December 17th, 2008 at 11:05 pm
This was the best of the photo articles for sure. The lead up to number one was brilliant! excellent writing =D
December 17th, 2008 at 10:50 pm
Of course, bitching and moaning on the internet is the best way of championing your causes
December 17th, 2008 at 10:42 pm
Er, for the Dennis Pinto, it’s the Kid N Play Kickstep, not Shuffle. HIDDDDDENNNNNNN RACISMMMMMM! (yes, that’s an echo)
December 17th, 2008 at 10:42 pm
What a coincidence! I, too, conjugate my verbs by tearing out the throats of angels!
December 17th, 2008 at 10:27 pm
To the user named “Dude” whoever you are, man calm down. I for one found it humorous and I have not seen any reason for you to call it one of the worst articles in cracked without even giving proper reasons.
Yab, you also need to chill, its just a joke article no need to overreact. So what if the author made one senseless joke it doesn’t takeaway the fun from the overall concept of the article. Honestly, some people need to relax, this is a humor site.
December 17th, 2008 at 10:19 pm
All cool pics (nearly) but all that animal abuse Chinese bullshit is exactly that…bullshit and not cool. How a society treats animals is a good measure of how it treats its people. Nothing cool about that.
December 17th, 2008 at 9:41 pm
Wow dude, totally insane!
http://www.privacy.de.tc
December 17th, 2008 at 9:13 pm
Didnt anyone else Notice the second pic of the Dirty Thunderstorm Or whatever looks like a baby hurling lightning? Take a Look, i’ll wait….. OMG DID YOU SEE IT?! haha Crazy stuff.
December 17th, 2008 at 8:51 pm
When did this site become a writer’s peer review meet?
December 17th, 2008 at 8:39 pm
.win
December 17th, 2008 at 8:33 pm
[...] and loud noises in order to frighten and aggravate the Horse-mounted Lion Cavalry. From Cracked: http://www.cracked.com/blog/7-images-too-badass-to-be-real-that-totally-are/ 0 Replies [...]
December 17th, 2008 at 8:27 pm
I wants a ROBODOG…
Ahh. How pathetic my life feels after seeing such wonder!!
I’m crossing my fingers every night before going to bed.
Praying that they’ll come up with a concept car in the theme of:
DRAGON!!!
Killer Sweet!!
December 17th, 2008 at 8:22 pm
Straylight right
“punched your eyeballs right in the dick”
the kind of Cracked lyricism we come here for.
December 17th, 2008 at 8:11 pm
A+++
December 17th, 2008 at 8:05 pm
Up until now I’d assumed something like a lion would be too heavy to ride a horse.
December 17th, 2008 at 7:51 pm
Note to self: to avoid future injury from facepalming, refrain from reading Cracked.com article comments.
December 17th, 2008 at 7:49 pm
MAH CHUMP MAH CHUMP MAH CHUMP MAH LOVELY LADY CHUMPS
December 17th, 2008 at 7:48 pm
[...] From Cracked.com [...]
December 17th, 2008 at 7:40 pm
Why thank you Mark! I will gladly have sex with you, random stranger from the internet! Do you like pancakes in the morning?
December 17th, 2008 at 7:35 pm
Awesome! This article is what cracked is all about. Humorous, slightly zany article with a mocking air, swearing, explosions, randomness, comments section with overly serious critics….whats missing…..boobies?
Also, #2 should be #1. “Horse mounted Lion Cavalry” AHAHAHA!
December 17th, 2008 at 7:31 pm
Straylight is a genius and I will have sex with them.
December 17th, 2008 at 7:24 pm
Mebabyme, you need to find a new website to frequent.Did you really come here to correct the jokes? Do you even know what “joke” means? I don’t think so if you don’t know that punching some dickless thing in its “dick” is an acceptable joke in the annals of humor.No I didn’t mean “anals” of humor either, although thats a viable option as well.Go slam your head in a door!!
December 17th, 2008 at 7:22 pm
yab:
http://www.cracked.com/forums/topic/27006/i-want-you-to-make-comedy-cracked/4100
You can do better, then prove it.
If the style of the site inst to your tastes, then read elsewhere. it wont kill us.
December 17th, 2008 at 7:16 pm
Hey, I’ve got that new book “Incredible Stunts!” That Dennis Pinto shot is in there, plus he does the same thing hitting the back of a school bus at night on fire. And if ya think that’s awesome, wait till you see the guy shooting his brother in the head with a shotgun (he deflects the bullet with a couple of bricks) and the nuthead in the Philippines who picks up razor blades with his eyeballs and swallows a power drill with the friggin thing running. And that hot babe who lights a cig from a guy’s flaming tongue! Plus some crazy photos of some pro stuntmen doing unbelievable shit.
Like Wow. Luk it up at Amazon. I’m buying another one for my brother for Christmas. He’s a real Evel Knievel fan.
December 17th, 2008 at 7:16 pm
Yab? Missing the point. “It’s like every single AC/DC album cover came to life and punched your eyeballs right in the dick” is one of the finest pieces of literary art I have ever had the pleasure to encounter.
The promise of conceptual album art self-animating is both the central conceit of the sentence and an apt metaphor for the reader’s realization of their most awesome fantasies - a subtle point which neatly reflects the major themes of the article.
The album covers that have “come to life” and “punched your eyeballs… in the dick” are an almost postmodernist construct, in that it is merely an abstract structure on to which we can project our own previous experience and emotion. Not to say that it is entirely colorless language; the communication of the uncertainty and emotional upheaval that would come from a physical assault on the ocular organs of one’s member is clearly demonstrated through the biological impossibility of such an act. That the author does not shy away from this brave statement is a testament to his temerity and dedication, and we should applaud these brave, broad new brush strokes in a tired field of derivative literature.
December 17th, 2008 at 6:51 pm
animal cruelty not badass.
December 17th, 2008 at 6:47 pm
“Chumps”?
So you’re either a rapper from the mid 80s or the villain from a SNES game?
December 17th, 2008 at 6:40 pm
Ok, let me break it down for you chumps.
The title of the article is “7 Images Too Badass To Be Real.”
From that description, I am expecting quality pictures (not videos) of some wild events. The volcano eruption is the perfect example. But a lion riding a horse and flying motorcycle bear? Slightly amusing perhaps, but hardly something I’d include in such an article.
But nunchuck baseball? There’s no way in hell I could uncork a bottle with a pair of nunchucks, but given some practice, I’m sure most people who could hit a baseball with a bat could do it with nunchucks as well, although a little less stylistically. Also, it’s just some crappy video - not an image.
And the robotic motorcycle is just retarded. I’m all for cool contraptions on wheels, but that’s just taking it too far.
Lastly, the tone of the article is, like I hinted at, too immature. I suppose it works well considering it’s a web article, but that still doesn’t mean I have to like it.
Take this sentence: “It’s like every single AC/DC album cover came to life and punched your eyeballs right in the dick.”
Seriously, WTF is that? It’s just plain stupid, that’s what.
Also, the photoshopped images of the gravestone and the band members are retarded, unnecessary and only serve to confuse readers.
December 17th, 2008 at 6:39 pm
ok this dude is seriously the worst cracked writer ever, he takes the overused style of cracked writers and screws it up into the most unfunny way possible. please don’t ever write another cracked article ok dude.
December 17th, 2008 at 6:36 pm
If you look closely, you’ll see the lion has no teeth. As well as, apparently, no claws or balls. You can also see that his back and tail look scabby and moth-eaten. They’ve turned him into a toy, and they’re not even taking very good care of him.
Damn. If this is an example of what you’d see at a typical Chinese zoo, fuck Chinese zoos.
December 17th, 2008 at 6:34 pm
OMFG!!
I was really impressed by a couple entries, like the volcano, the stuntman, Tesla Solo, but holy bahjesus man, that Flying Motorcycle Bear hauling freaking House of Flying Daggers Zhang Zi Yi… jesus man…. did not see that coming…. cannot stop laughing for the life of me, hahaha
wow. wow. wow.
December 17th, 2008 at 6:33 pm
A, its China. Thats the only explanation you’ll ever need
December 17th, 2008 at 6:31 pm
I don’t know. That lion riding the horse makes me sad. I mean, it’s like a 400 pound predator on a defenseless horse. What did that horse ever do to deserve that? I know. It’s the way of the internets. sigh.
December 17th, 2008 at 6:30 pm
Quote “It’s like every single AC/DC album cover came to life and punched your eyeballs right in the dick.”
How can eyes have a penis? *sigh*
It should be “It’s like every single AC/DC album cover came to life and punched your eyeballs right out though your dick (or ass).”
December 17th, 2008 at 6:29 pm
See Robert? Call Tesla a chump but hook his awesomeness up to a guitar and it’s somehow all amazing…. Okay I can see how… But he’s not a chump… he has an awesome mustache… and you have a the mustache of a date rapist.
December 17th, 2008 at 6:25 pm
Great article, funny as hell…
December 17th, 2008 at 6:04 pm
That volcano thing does look like an elephant or more like Hannibal’s busted out of hell and headed for Rome.
December 17th, 2008 at 6:01 pm
I don’t need an excuse, Bears, and yab fuck off.
December 17th, 2008 at 5:58 pm
#7 is from Jeffery R. Werner’s new book, Incredible Stunts: The Chaos, Crashes and Courage of the World’s Wildest Stuntmen and Daredevils.
Available on amazon.com and in bookstores.
December 17th, 2008 at 5:57 pm
Getting back to the volcano though…
I don’t know who pissed the elephants off, but they’re god just landed and he looks piiisssseeeddd.
December 17th, 2008 at 5:55 pm
I’ve never seen one of those before, yab, but if they write articles that are as amusing as this one count me in.
Dude…what the hell is not to like? There’s a volcano that farts lightning! A fucking ROBOT DOG that shoots FIRE! BEARS!
I don’t know who it was that stole your dreams away as a child, but I pity you. Or maybe you’re trolling, whatever. I just wanted anexcuse to say BEARS. Everyone wins.
December 17th, 2008 at 5:38 pm
You sound like a faggot 4channer high on meth. Also, you seem like a 4channer judging by some of the rather lame photos you chose.
Seriously, I could do this article, but a hundred time better.
December 17th, 2008 at 5:37 pm
The only thing that annoys me is that this says 7 IMAGES but several of them required a VIDEO to be fully enjoyed. And some SHOULD have included videos to be better off.
But I was duly impressed.
December 17th, 2008 at 5:31 pm
theres nothing funny about chinese zoo’s.
December 17th, 2008 at 5:24 pm
The horse-mounted lion is effin’ awesome. Makes me think of something from Gladiator or 300. Arlovski looks like Gerard Butler in that one: http://tinyurl.com/3plvuh
December 17th, 2008 at 5:19 pm
I heard the lion riding the horse drove the hell-dog motorcycle into the side of an exploding van but the fucking photographer left the lens cap on.
December 17th, 2008 at 5:13 pm
[...] 7 Images Too Badass To Be Real (That Totally Are) | Cracked.com [...]
December 17th, 2008 at 5:08 pm
did anyone else notice that the first picture of the THUNDER VOCANOO (SHAKEEEW!) looks like an elephant from hell?
and im pretty sure the show on the nunchucks clip is the same show that features the beloved hard gay. if you dont know who that is then please go to youtube.
December 17th, 2008 at 5:06 pm
Amazing! It all makes sense now. My pop gave me three rules to live by when I was kid. They didn’t make sense until reading this article.
1. Never use a bottle opener when you can use nunchucks
2. If you send the calvary, make sure they are half horse and half lion
3. If you got to use a gondal for godsakes make sure a bear is piloting them.
Thanks, dad!
December 17th, 2008 at 3:59 pm
Man, i thought the sham wow guy from the infomercials could sale people stuff… but you could convince people to run into battle w/ only make shift maces forged out of aborted fetus’ dipped in glue and shards of glass… fighting FOR pro life. Never would they even question the irony in all of that if you were standing on the peak of a lightning volcano giving them a colorful speech only you undoubtedly could.
December 17th, 2008 at 3:03 pm
Flippin hilarious!
December 17th, 2008 at 2:25 pm
God Damn you Brock Lesnar. Those are some of the most amazing photos ever. Where can I find more info about that Motorcycle riding bear? Oh holy shit that horse is totally shitting himself.
December 17th, 2008 at 2:24 pm
I remember when the bear was used before on cracked. Funny now, funny then. Spot on!
December 17th, 2008 at 2:13 pm
Damn you erik…don’t you ever beat me to flattery
December 17th, 2008 at 2:12 pm
The most succinct description of that Chilean eruption possible…sorry, I have to type it…”Every AC/DC album cover came to life and punched your eyeballs in the dick” Now, friends, THAT is writing. Brilliant.
December 17th, 2008 at 2:11 pm
i can’t decide what is badasser:
“It’s like every single AC/DC album cover came to life and punched your eyeballs right in the dick.”
or
“Horse-mounted Lion Cavalry”
well done!
December 17th, 2008 at 1:40 pm
BAHAHAHAHAHA, holy shit that’s the funniest thing posted on here in forever man. Good work.
December 17th, 2008 at 1:39 pm
Whoa
December 17th, 2008 at 1:34 pm
The second volcano picture looks like a thunder-spitting beaver.
Really.
December 17th, 2008 at 1:22 pm
Great, great article. Horse-mounted Lion Cavalry, that is something to fear.
December 17th, 2008 at 1:13 pm
Bricks were shat. And then some.
December 17th, 2008 at 1:10 pm
omg man that was such a funny article awesome shit i laughed my ass off. keep up the hilarious-ness
December 17th, 2008 at 12:59 pm
#4 is whet happens when Chuck Norris has diarrhea. Explosive, thunderous, ground shaking diarrhea. and uses lightning to wipe.
December 17th, 2008 at 12:57 pm
Ford Pinto - a car very famous for its susceptibility to explosions. 27 died, I think.
December 17th, 2008 at 12:56 pm
Somehow whenever I read your articles I think of the phrase:
“Sexy diarrhea”
So sexy diarrhea Mr. Brockway. Sexy diarrhea.
December 17th, 2008 at 12:39 pm
I’m really not a fan of most Asian zoos; I honestly think zoological parks should bear their animals’ comfort in mind, and those concrete prisons are hardly befitting of the intelligent and amazing organisms they contain. Really, making lions do tricks is undercutting the point of increasing the visible availability of these animals, because such beasts are truly greatest when engaging in their natural activities, like ripping the shit out of wildebeest.
December 17th, 2008 at 12:27 pm
it looks like you stole the images from weirdasianews.com >__> Esp the last two, I haven’t seen the first few ones. XD
December 17th, 2008 at 12:17 pm
The caption for the last two pictures were the absolute best. I was laughing like crazy. Nice job!
December 17th, 2008 at 12:15 pm
That lightning guitar sounds like the night after a failed attempt to finish the 12 pound taco challenge at Senor Pepe’s Chalupas and Chihuahuas.
December 17th, 2008 at 12:10 pm
Or alternatively you could LOOK at it.
Your choice.
December 17th, 2008 at 12:10 pm
That thunderstorm volcano looks like an elephant.
Seriously, go back and loot at it.
Now.
December 17th, 2008 at 11:56 am
oh man I’m so high right now… I have no idea what’s goin’ on.
December 17th, 2008 at 11:54 am
the lion looks like it has no teeth
December 17th, 2008 at 11:29 am
That Robo-Dog-Motorcycle looks cool in the picture, but have you seen it actually walk? Man it’s slow.
December 17th, 2008 at 11:28 am
The second paragraph of #4 was easily the best thing I’ve ever read. Especially the final sentence:
“It’s like every single AC/DC album cover came to life and punched your eyeballs right in the dick.”
How do you come up with these things?
December 17th, 2008 at 11:21 am
My favorites are the explosive man and the robotic hell-dog motorcycle. What I think should happen — no, what MUST happen — is that Dennis Pinto performs a stunt where he rides the RoboDogHellCycle through a building set to be demolished. Demolished with copious amounts of dynamite. While he’s on fire. While he, his RoboDogHellCycle, and the entire building is on fire. Then as he’s coming out of the building, popping a wheelie and going 150 m/h, the entire building explodes.
I think… I think I’ve just found a new life goal.
December 17th, 2008 at 11:03 am
Aw, Kelly, now you ruined the lion-horse for me. That’s very, very sad. But still a pretty badass horse.
December 17th, 2008 at 10:51 am
What I really want to know is how that bear or lion feel about Obama or where they stand on the flat tax and also whether they think history will show what a great president Bush really was.
Not really, I could really give a shit for theirs or anybodys opinion on that.
December 17th, 2008 at 10:49 am
What’s sad is you can tell that the lion is toothless and his nails have been filed down. So he’s pretty much useless anyway. Sure he might weigh a lot and knock you over, but all he could do after that is gum you to death.
December 17th, 2008 at 10:41 am
[...] Cracked column is up here, and you can Digg it here if you have the Digging Sickness. But before reading, be forewarned: If [...]
December 17th, 2008 at 10:39 am
I for one welcome our new Mounted Lion Overlords.
December 17th, 2008 at 10:25 am
anime octopus rape? never seen the anime version, but the real version is pretty cool.
December 17th, 2008 at 10:19 am
Most Bad Ass Imaage ever:
The bear from #1 doing the stunt from #7 flying right into the fuckstorm from #4. In the foreground the lion cavalry from #2 battles the robot hell-dog from #6.
The Japanese will just have to sit this one out.
December 17th, 2008 at 10:18 am
“. A ticket buys you the whole seat, but you’ll only need the edge…”
I expect to see this on a movie poster soon.
December 17th, 2008 at 10:13 am
Flying Motorcycle Bear, doing something with a thingy!
A-Doop, A-Doop, A-Doop-A-Doo-Doo-Doo…..
December 17th, 2008 at 10:11 am
Once again you do not disappoint Brockway. Good stuff.
Why isn’t there some cult worshipping the hell out of that volcano? They worship comets and this thing is obviously much cooler.
In all seriousness, let’s start this cult right now.
December 17th, 2008 at 9:59 am
After watching transformers, I’d rather morph into Megan Fox’s daisy dukes then a Ford mustang.
December 17th, 2008 at 9:56 am
Oh my god at the lightning thunderstorm. That is the coolest fucking thing I’ve ever seen.
December 17th, 2008 at 9:53 am
Thunder volcano is badass
December 17th, 2008 at 9:46 am
Punched your eyeballs right in the dick, there’s a hilarious mental image
December 17th, 2008 at 9:34 am
I vote the 1st picture of the horse with the caption as the best Craption of the week!
December 17th, 2008 at 9:32 am
cool
December 17th, 2008 at 9:31 am
There’s usually a Dirty Thunderstorm if I eat too much Mexican food.
December 17th, 2008 at 9:28 am
Fuck the guy with the whip…the horse walking around with a freakin’ lion on his back has to win some kind of “hugest balls used in overcoming natural terror” award!
December 17th, 2008 at 9:21 am
Holy shit! I thought the bear on motorcycle image we saw a few weeks ago (best ways to fire someone) was actually completely photoshopped!
December 17th, 2008 at 9:20 am
Horse-mounted lion cavalry. Oh my god that was funny.