Some things are so ridiculously awesome that they simply defy belief, and when the logical mind encounters them, it can do naught but shut itself down in numb, slack-jawed shock. These are a few moments in time so incredible that they should rightfully only exist within the pages of comic books, so insane they're more like jump-cuts in Heavy Metal videos, and so badass that they instantly make everything you’ve done seem worthless by comparison. So settle in, enjoy, and say goodbye to every sense of pride or accomplishment that you’ve ever had:
The Explosive Man
This appears to be a photograph of a man attacking a van with his tremendously explosive forehead - but is in actuality of Dennis Pinto, a stuntman from North Carolina. Dennis seems to have misunderstood exactly what stuntmen are supposed to do which, ideally, is to simulate incredibly dangerous scenarios while in reality remaining safe and secure, because Pinto’s “stunt” here is not actually a photo of a spectacularly destructive failure. This is what was supposed to happen! And that’s why Mr. Pinto is easily the hardest motherfucker on earth: The man sees this horrific orgy of flame and steel, this outtake from a Die Hard movie, this screencap from the biggest budget snuff film in history, and thinks “Total success! That went down exactly how I wanted it to.”
The plan was to race a motorcycle at 60 MPH into the side of a parked van, which would then explode, sending him flying through the flames and out the other side where he would cushion his landing…with a couple of cardboard boxes. And because Dennis Pinto is apparently the Highlander, he also insisted that he be set on fire before they could even start. This man’s typical work day consists of him dying a more catastrophic death than a Batman villain…then getting up and taking a bow. So, next time your job’s got you a little down, just think of ol’ Dennis Pinto here, and realize that any complaints you might have can only serve to make you look like kind of a pussy in comparison. Really, the only way he could make you look worse is if he was doing like, the Kid 'n Play Shuffle or something while flying through that explosion.
Oh. Well, you are fucked.
Robotic Hell-Dog Motorcycle
Say hi to Larry, the latest creation from the Mutoid Waste Company in North London. He would say hello back, but unfortunately the only language Larry speaks is Hellfire, and he conjugates his verbs by tearing out the throats of angels. Larry is basically half-motorcycle, half-dog, half-robot and half dragon. If my math is off by a bit here, please forgive me – I’m just little distracted by this magnificent son of a bitch who rides the Houndlike Guardian of Robot Hell to work every morning, while I loudly curse my Kia Optima and seethe in impotent, jealous awe.
If you want the technical specs, Larry the Robot Dog is powered by a Citroen 2CV engine and transmission and, though his front legs are fully functional, his back legs have been replaced by wheels to make him more stable and improve speed. Although, may I be perfectly frank? If your main concern right this moment is understanding the practicalities of Larry’s construction, I suggest that you set your priorities straight and use this time to instead find whoever stole all the joy out of your life and kick them in the balls.
The Lightning Guitar
Merce Death, an avant-garde Japanese musician, is seen here playing his latest invention: The Lightning Guitar. Technically speaking, this is just an ordinary electric guitar hooked up to a Tesla coil instead of a traditional amplifier. And it in no way grants Mr. Death the ability to fight crime by firing devastating lightning bolts whenever he plays a particularly bitchin’ solo…but you’d never know that from reading the thousands of pages of fan fiction I just wrote.
It makes sense, though: If anybody was going to combine the power of lightning with the inventions of Nicola Tesla and some sweet-ass guitar riffs, of course it would be the Japanese. In retrospect, the seminal 80s metal band Tesla dropped the ball a little here. Oh, and for future reference, Japan: We will totally forgive you for all future anime octopus rape, just as long as you keep pumping out shit like this once in a while.
Thunder Volcano
This is what they call a Dirty Thunderstorm, and it occurs whenever the ash plume from an erupting volcano generates enough static electricity, or whenever you finally hurl Sauron’s accursed ring into the fires of Mt. Doom. It is seen here above the Chaiten volcano in Chile. And just…holy shit, look at it:
It’s the only thing on earth that gives the Devil nightmares. It’s what would happen if natural disasters could bolt together Voltron-style. It's the single, best way that nature can give you the finger. It's like every single AC/DC album cover came to life and punched your eyeballs right in the dick.
Over 4,000 local inhabitants living in the area were forced to flee in the wake of this eruption, which is truly admirable - because personally, I would have been too busy alternately flashing horns at it, holding my lighter aloft, and intermittently soiling myself to do much in the way of successful fleeing.
Nunchuck Baseball
There is a series of viral videos circling the ‘net right now, wherein a superimposed Bruce Lee seems to play ping pong, light matches, and just generally lives a normal life - save for using Nunchucks in place of hands. Now, while I have no doubt that this was accurately reflective of a typical day in Mr. Lee’s life, these particular videos happen to be fakes. However, apparently somebody forgot to tell that to this
martial arts master from Sapporo, Japan, and so he actually does go about his day opening champagne bottles with Nunchucks, playing Nunchuck baseball and presumably making a nice dinner of Nunchuck chicken, with a side of garlic-infused Nunchucked potatos, maybe paired with a precocious little katana Chablis and finishing out the evening with a scintillating Handgrenade Cheesecake.
Seriously, it’s like the man just didn’t understand the concept of special effects and so was wholly unaware that human beings are not supposed to be able to actually do these things. Just don’t be surprised if, in about six months time, you find yourself watching a grainy clip of a small Asian man literally morphing into a Ford Mustang after somebody shows him a pirated copy of Transformers.
Horse-mounted Lion
What the horse is thinking: Oh god! No fucking way is this actually happening! It has to be a nightmare. Wake up, Honeydew, please wake up!
In Chinese zoos, they do things just a bit differently than here in the States. For example, the flow of foot traffic is typically reversed, in place of popcorn and hot dogs you may find more traditional Chinese fare such as fish balls or steamed buns - oh, and also you may notice some of their exhibits mounting the other exhibits and racing them around while roaring, frothing at the mouth and just generally scaring the holy shit out of everybody forever.
What the lion is thinking: LION > HORSE!
In this particular exhibit, an adult lion is trained to climb onto a waiting horse, which then jogs about the ring while the bravest, cruelest, or perhaps the most dangerously suicidal man in all of China provides incentive by cracking his whip at them. Yes, in Chinese zoos there is a man whose sole duty is to make sudden movements and loud noises in order to frighten and aggravate the Horse-mounted Lion Cavalry. A ticket buys you the whole seat, but you’ll only need the edge…no seriously, you shouldn’t get too comfortable here. You’re gonna want all the headstart you can get when they bust out the Flying Motorcycle Bear.
Flying Motorcycle Bear
Oh god, did you think I was kidding? NO! FOR CHRIST’S SAKE RUN, MAN, RUN!
You can read more from Robert at his own site, I Fight Robots, but really,what's the point? This article pretty much summed up his entire existence.
Oh. Well, you are fucked.
What the horse is thinking: Oh god! No fucking way is this actually happening! It has to be a nightmare. Wake up, Honeydew, please wake up!
In Chinese zoos, they do things just a bit differently than here in the States. For example, the flow of foot traffic is typically reversed, in place of popcorn and hot dogs you may find more traditional Chinese fare such as fish balls or steamed buns - oh, and also you may notice some of their exhibits mounting the other exhibits and racing them around while roaring, frothing at the mouth and just generally scaring the holy shit out of everybody forever.
What the lion is thinking: LION > HORSE!
In this particular exhibit, an adult lion is trained to climb onto a waiting horse, which then jogs about the ring while the bravest, cruelest, or perhaps the most dangerously suicidal man in all of China provides incentive by cracking his whip at them. Yes, in Chinese zoos there is a man whose sole duty is to make sudden movements and loud noises in order to frighten and aggravate the Horse-mounted Lion Cavalry. A ticket buys you the whole seat, but you’ll only need the edge…no seriously, you shouldn’t get too comfortable here. You’re gonna want all the headstart you can get when they bust out the Flying Motorcycle Bear.
