Listen: You can’t stop progress and, to be quite frank, you’re kind of a dick to even want to try. Progress is inevitable, it is unceasing, and for the most part, it is welcomed. But some things are just so awesome already, that it seems like nothing could fundamentally improve them. There are no sandwiches genetically engineered to be more delicious, there’s no virtual simulation of kite-flying that trumps the gentle innocence of the real thing, no turbo-charged Robo-sex that beats genuine bonin’, and there is certainly no technology that could possibly improve on getting good old-fashioned, streetlight-fighting, mailman-slapping, maudlin-sobbing drunk. Well, not until now:
Microsoft’s Surface is basically just a giant toy that lets you manipulate information by touch, and that, in and of itself, is not much to write home about. Pretty much everything is “manipulated by touch,” these days: I can flip through pictures on my iPhone, tap to beats shouted out by a large-breasted cartoon penguin on my Nintendo DS, or I could ‘manipulate by touch’ the old school way and just masturbate. Digital Manipulation, when you get right down to it, is just the new hot term for moving shit around with your hands, so forgive me if I don’t lower my gaze in reverence when a middle-aged man in a penis turtleneck shows the world how he can sort through restaurant reviews by furiously shaking a five-hundred dollar device, when a sole finger-twitch has been capable of replicating this astounding feat with the simple turn of a page since the invention of paper.
“Kneel before Zod!”
But the appeal of novel technology is really in how you use it, and while a lot of multi-touch interfaces are little more than semi-glossy updates of a game of Simon, all it takes to cross that line from wank-fest to sheer brilliance is a simple twist. In this case, it’s switching up the functionality: One proposed use of the Surface is as a simple bar table …from the damn future!
The table uses reflections from the glass to read the level of your drink whenever you set it down, and determines the optimum time to order a replacement. See, some studies on drinking behavior suggest that if a person’s cocktail goes empty too long, they’ll be more likely to call it a night and go home or, if you’re anything like me, more likely to throw a chair at a Keno machine while repeatedly screaming “Attica!” until prompt service is rendered.
“Two Gin and Tonics and some fucking Mexi-fries! That’s all I want! Nobody has to die today!”
Conversely, if a waitress attempts to take your refill order too soon, you may feel annoyed and be less likely to order a refill or, again in my case, may politely request that the offending waitress “step her shit back outta my Kool-aid.” With Surface, you avoid all the indignities of being an indignant drunk. When the optimum refill level is reached, the table pings the bartender and sends a waitress to take the order, or - and if you’re anything like me, this is the part that’ll have your liver creaming its fleshy pink jeans - you can use the menu on the display to order another one yourself … without ever having to interact with another human being! This is literally one step removed from Robot Bartenders, and I do not think I’m alone when I insist that this is exactly the type of ridiculous crap that the future was invented for.
As Cracked pointed out not too long ago, recent results released by the No Shit Department at the University of Wasted Funding have scientifically validated the ‘Beer Goggles’ effect, wherein a drunk person is more likely to find a member of the opposite sex attractive as their blood alcohol levels increase. But hold onto your monocles, gentlemen, because the following announcement may cause them to literally pop from your faces in shock: These studies have also proven that alcohol generally “lowers inhibitions and judgment,” which could cause you to “do or say things” that you “may later regret.” I’ll give you a moment to retrieve your shattered eyewear and fan away the vapors of any women overcome by these scandalous revelations.
“Being drunk impairs judgment? Oh, my stars!”
In response to this frankly earth-shattering news, Google have released a ‘Gmail Goggles’ filter that you can set to automatically turn on during certain time periods. The default time is late at night on weekends but if you, like my father, prefer getting plastered in the morning because “that’s when they least expect it,” it can be set to turn on whenever you want. Once activated, the filter opens a new window whenever you try to send an email that asks if you’re really sure, and then runs you through some quick mental arithmetic before allowing it to be sent. No word yet on whether the filter also starts watering down your drinks when you begin violently sobbing while softly whispering the lyrics to John Cougar Mellencamp songs, or says you’ve had enough while repeatedly referring to you as “guy,” or calls the cops on you when you start taking clumsy, drunken swings at the monitor while insisting that it “doesn’t know you.”
Like this, but probably more about regrettable anal.
If, by some unfortunate miracle, you make it past the anti-retard measures of Google’s filters and find yourself inquiring via email why your girlfriend “whores it up like she do,” or forwarding unsettlingly violent man-on-man pornography to everybody in your Important Work Contacts Folder, don’t worry - you can soon save yourself some anguish by conveniently forgetting all about it with one simple pill!
By drastically increasing the amount of Alpha-CaM Kinase II - a chemical closely associated with long-term memory in the brains of mice - and inducing something called a ‘recall period’ (which, counter-intuitively, is not the term for the one hour I reserve every day solely for re-enacting my favorite scenes from Total Recall, but rather the point at which your brain begins its search for previously stored information) the memory attempting to be recalled can then be permanently erased. For example - and this is purely hypothetical here - say you took a drug that amped up the levels of Alpha-CaM Kinase II in your brain and then sat down to eat a Spicy Baconator while simultaneously emptying the entire contents of a can of Tag’s Sexual Chocolate Body Spray into your crotch, it could then be theoretically possible to erase all knowledge of the unfortunate night you spent feeling up that she-male in the back parking lot of the I-48 Wendy’s.
“You left this in the backseat of my El Camino. You still want me to meet your parents?”
But don’t get too excited: This procedure is still very experimental and hasn’t actually proven viable in humans yet. So for now, it’s only good for helping mice to forget their own drunken indiscretions which, though doubtlessly invaluable to tiny rodent alcoholics, is somewhat less helpful to those of us that still cry uncontrollably at the smell of Chipotle Ranch Sauce.
Scientists at the iXS Research Corporation in Japan have unveiled a new prototype driving aid that comes equipped with GPS equipment to point out landmarks as you travel, motion sensors that advise caution when they detect potentially reckless driving, and a breathalyzer that shuts off the ignition if it detects alcohol in the car. And all of this potentially life-saving technology comes housed in the form a friendly teddy bear, wrapped in ribbons and bolted to the dead-center of your dashboard because it’s Japanese, and let’s be honest here, the entire nation went fuck-all crazy sometime in the mid 1980s and they’re just not ever coming back. The bear even changes mood depending on the interaction – it informs you about points of interest in a soothing tone of voice, switches to a stern warning when it chastises you for dangerous driving, and expresses cautious concern when it asks “you haven’t been drinking, have you?”
The bear is supposed to provide an appealing and non-judgmental way to interact with a drunk driver when it detects impairment, but there are any number of ways to be ‘impaired’ aside from drinking, and they all may require different tacks to keep you from getting behind the wheel. In future versions, expect the bear to detect marijuana smoke and adopt a bewildered tone as it asks you a series of questions designed to effectively incapacitate the common stoner, like “have you ever really looked at your own hands? Do they even feel attached to you?” When it finds Ecstasy in your system, expect the bear to softly pet your forearms for six hours while tunelessly humming to itself, and if hallucinogens are found, be prepared for the perky stuffed animal to inform you - in no uncertain terms - that it is simultaneously both your mother and the devil, and that it has been waiting for you a very, very long time now – oh, such a long time indeed!
Researchers at the National Institutes of Health: Animal Center in Maryland conducted a long-term study primarily concerned with the effects of alcohol on Rhesus Monkeys. Originally started to learn more about the reasons that both human and monkey turn to drinking, the study revealed several interesting correlations to their human counterparts: Like human men, male monkeys also tend to drink more than their female counterparts. All monkeys, regardless of gender, turn to the bottle when stressed or lonely, and they usually reserve heavy drinking for the end of their ‘working day.’
“I realized, ever since I started working, every single day of my life has been worse than the day before it. So that means that every single day that you see me, that’s on the worst day of my life.”
That first one would be easy enough to find out – give all the monkeys alcohol and see which gender consumes more. But the second finding begs a pretty disturbing question: Whose job was it to make the monkeys lonely and stressed out? Was it somebody’s responsibility to take ordinary, happy monkeys, cage them up, take away their jobs and slip bottles of Scotch to them through a metal drawer? Who was the poor son of a bitch that, while the other scientists were off watching monkeys hilariously rough-house while taking Jell-O shots on the rope swing, had to sit in a dark room on the other side of some one-way glass and spend every day instilling a soul-crushing existential angst in nature’s tiniest, furriest little jesters? Either somebody drew a seriously short straw when they were picking jobs, or No Heart quit harassing the Care Bears and finally got his PhD in Applied Horribleness.
“Yes. Yes, drink for me, my monkeys. Drink your pain away!”
Jesus Christ, Scientists, when your experiment’s ultimate goal is to create suicidal alcoholic monkeys, maybe you have too much funding. Next up for the Animal Health Center: A 5-year program to determine what factors are most effective at lowering the self-esteem of adorable kittens, followed by an in-depth look at the emerging trend of bunny rabbit prostitution.
You can read more from Robert at his own site, I Fight Robots, or you can just walk away, and he’ll guarantee you safe passage through the wasteland. Just walk away, and there will be an end to the horror…
This entry was posted on Wednesday, November 26th, 2008 at 7:52 am and is filed under Alcohol, Science, technology. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
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April 3rd, 2009 at 3:41 pm
best damn liquor and kegs in this city come from this place. damn i love jack!
January 1st, 2009 at 12:31 am
My God…no. I…never…really…looked at…my hands….
December 20th, 2008 at 1:35 am
And fuck me for being stupid it was Maslow who was keen on raping monkeys, not Skinner:
Pardon idiocy.
December 20th, 2008 at 1:21 am
E Skinner would probably have been interested on these anxiety monkeys. Come to think of it, this sounds like one of his experiments.
Considering, he had rape-cradle, evil mother, and sensory deprivation.
Interesting roots we have behavioural science.
But on the other hand, i have understood, Mr Skinner was not too stable person mentally, and he actually make something of worth, even if possibly in spite of himself.
December 2nd, 2008 at 2:19 pm
Keeping up the fine tradition of Cracked.com by making me cry from laughing too hard! Welcome, and gj!
December 2nd, 2008 at 7:46 am
Who cares? We only care how to find these celerbities. Lucky me. I found Hilton on a celeb and millionaire dating site. Its name is like—-W e a l t h ys o u l M a t e .C O M—-
December 1st, 2008 at 6:13 pm
Oh shit, MJ’s hot! Who knew?
Besides Dan or G-Balls.
December 1st, 2008 at 8:07 am
MJ, is that you in the t-shirt picture? You do not fit the physical description of a computer geek (yes, that was a compliment).
December 1st, 2008 at 7:31 am
Who cares? There’re way too many rumors coming out each day. And most of them turn out to be untrue. I even start thinking if it is true that Charlie Sheen once found his love
on the celeb and millionaire daitng site****** W e a l t h y s o u l M a t e .C O M ********** Whatever. &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
November 30th, 2008 at 2:03 pm
@Robert: I’d probably cry too if a drunken Swaim came into my workplace and started yelling at me about Brittany Spears.
November 29th, 2008 at 8:03 pm
Well, I know somebody that’s not getting let out of her cage tonight…
November 29th, 2008 at 3:40 pm
Hi Dan. I told Robert I was into doing an eiffel tower, but he wasn’t down for it. Give me time, though.
November 29th, 2008 at 3:33 pm
Hilarious! One of the best cracked articles in recent memory
November 29th, 2008 at 8:48 am
Good article Brock’em Sock’em Robots. You just made a bleak, New England Saturday morning a lot brighter.
“CavalierX Says: So the Japanese invented a teddy bear you have to blow before you can drive your car? Somehow, I’m not surprised.”
God…if that comment doesn’t deserve to make it into the Saturday Round-up, I don’t know what does.
November 29th, 2008 at 7:08 am
Hey I liked your article Mr. Brockway. I also appreciate the Mexi-fry reference, My sister is going to school at NYU and says there is not a single Tacotime on the entire eastern seaboard. What a horrible place to be. Keep ‘em coming.
November 28th, 2008 at 10:58 am
shutup trolls!
November 27th, 2008 at 8:29 pm
MJ, sure you get a say, but last time I checked that was my name tattooed on your ass, so unless you want to invent long stories about why you like to call DOB “Gladstone,” I’d just stick with the good thing we have going.
November 27th, 2008 at 5:31 pm
DP13,
I think I’m set to alternate between Wednesdays and Thursdays, as opposed to Swaim, who by all accounts just drunkenly stumbles into the office whenever the cops drop him off and yells his posts into a dictaphone for half an hour. Also, we don’t have a dictaphone; it’s actually a frightened young woman by the name of Sally Mayers. She cries almost daily.
MJ,
While I would love to engage in the misogyny, I think it’s already been made clear that my girlfriend is here, she is territorial, and she is crazy as hell. People keep trying to tell me to “date normal,” but man, if there’s no knives involved in the foreplay, I just check right out.
DOB,
First of all: Hitting on the girlfriend is useless, that “other school” she goes to is the Northwestern Institution for Troubled Women. What can I say? I like to hit ‘em before the justice system does.
Second, I figure if people go through all the trouble of reading my stuff and then commenting, I can at least try to return the favor. But don’t worry, in true Cracked Writer tradition I’m already nurturing a poisonously large ego and with any luck will quickly become too narcissistic and jaded to care about “the peons” anymore.
November 27th, 2008 at 4:29 pm
@J-Pappi
Fully grown in a physical sense only. I am 99% sure that nobody who reads/writes Cracked.com has fully developed mentally.
“Brock you like a hurri-swaim.” Lol, best one so far!
@G-Dawg, DOB, Brockway (even though I don’t think he’s commented on this so far…)
Do I get to pick? Do I have a say? Or are we doing this in a more of a “man owns wife” style of things?
November 27th, 2008 at 4:11 pm
Emancipation Brocklamation?
November 27th, 2008 at 1:32 pm
I still love Swaim the best, but this was pretty damn funny! Jolly good show, what-what.
November 27th, 2008 at 12:22 pm
“…and let’s be honest here, the entire nation went fuck-all crazy sometime in the mid 1980s and they’re just not ever coming back.” …That line nearly made me pee myself.
November 27th, 2008 at 11:59 am
DOB, Brockway
MJ is mine and has been since you were in short pants. (read last week)
or maybe you haven’t seen her shirt?
http://i175.photobucket.com/albums/w148/wgladstone/G-stoneSwaim.jpg
November 27th, 2008 at 11:57 am
Keep on Brocking in the Free World
November 27th, 2008 at 9:59 am
You and Swaim must blog together so we can collectively call you Brock you like a hurri-swaim.
November 27th, 2008 at 9:51 am
Who the hell here is a fully grown man besides Glendoor (who’s been a fully grown man long enough to be our great granddad)? We’re all immature morons.
Kingmonkey, the one you’re referring to is good luck bear. Though with the clover I expect he’s probably secretly a Mick alcoholic.
Speaking of Glendoor, go back and look again. I was talking about an ex of mine, not KM’s.
Now, family…(shudder)
November 27th, 2008 at 9:05 am
Fully grown men arguing over The Care Bears? Only on Cracked.com people, only on Cracked.
November 27th, 2008 at 8:53 am
Rainbow Brite? Oh no you di-int! The Care Bears, any one of them, could fuck up Rainbow Brite’s shit so bad, it’s ridiculous. I mean, Rainbow Brite was one step up from that piece of shit Lookie from the She-ra cartoons. If any kiddie-cartoon rainbow character is bad enough of an ass to survive on these discussion boards, it’s the Care Bears (especially the green one with the clover on his belly).
I wonder if the Cracked bloggers can hold hands and “stare” a rainbow out of their bellies? If so, how much drugs does it take?
November 27th, 2008 at 4:20 am
Your blogging enlightened me so much, I think I reached satori. Thanks, Brock-You-Like-A-Hurricane.
And was someone mentioning dead hookers? Who wants to trade?!
November 27th, 2008 at 4:00 am
Oh God, the last one still has me laughing.
November 27th, 2008 at 3:40 am
Well played, Brockway. *slow applause* Well played.
November 27th, 2008 at 2:38 am
Brockwayne, you’re new here, so I’ll let this one slide, but be warned: I might be a little bit in love with MJ-89, (a little bit), so back off.
Back off.
November 27th, 2008 at 2:06 am
Nice post, Its A Hard Brock Life. It was funny, well put together; also made me giggle -and- yearn for the wonders of a lazy dystopian future.
I guess I dont have to tie you down and shave your face with an old man’s dick after all. <3
November 27th, 2008 at 1:28 am
Well Brockway you’ve won my affections as a blogger. (Which is totally difficult, I promise).
The table that analyzes drinks is brilliant. Everywhere should have those. Hell I’d settle for just the touch screen cause there’s always a point suring the night when you just can’t stand up and walk to the bar anymore but somehow you feel you still require more alcohol.
November 27th, 2008 at 12:21 am
Rainbow brite is suprisingly bad assed.
November 27th, 2008 at 12:03 am
Holy Mother of Run-On sentences this article is hilarious!
Good show Brockway, good show.
November 26th, 2008 at 11:47 pm
this was great. i look foward to reading more of your posts.
if they’re as good as this one i think DOB might have some actual compition.
November 26th, 2008 at 11:32 pm
Pretty funny, the “Kneel before Zod” caption was really funny. Looking forward to more funny stuff from you, but remember we’re use to Gladstone so don’t be real funny start slow.
@J-Pappi , where did you get that it was kingmonkey ex that was into Carebears, he didn’t say that.
@kingmonkey, dude you are way to much into Carebears. Could it as least have been something more manly like fucking Rainbow Brite or something?
November 26th, 2008 at 11:16 pm
i love u brockway
November 26th, 2008 at 11:14 pm
Dan, Mr. Brock N. Furter from the Brocky Horrer picture show, is only trying to make a good impression on us. This is in no way adorable, it is bad assed.
November 26th, 2008 at 9:37 pm
Is it just me, or do those two drunken monkeys look like Noel Gallagher and Hunter S. Thompson?
November 26th, 2008 at 9:30 pm
Daniel, please stop posting at the same time as me just so people will accidentally read yours since it’s in close proximity to mine. Thank you.
November 26th, 2008 at 9:28 pm
You may live.
Kingmonkey, I had an ex WAY too into Care Bears (and she was 22; I’ll spare all you fuckers the time of implying I’m a pedophile. I may be, but not because of her.), and Shrieky really was extremely difficult to put up with. Then again, so was my ex, hence her prefix. Hmmm. What an insight.
November 26th, 2008 at 9:28 pm
Gosh, just look at Brockwayne. Reading all the comments and responding to them individually. Isn’t that adorable?
@Robert’s Girlfriend-
Hi, I’m Dan, I don’t believe we’ve met. I love your hair.
November 26th, 2008 at 9:02 pm
Robert actually signs his emails to me with “love and punches.” It’s adorable.
But really, Robert hits me. I can be uppity at times.
AND– Hi nerd ladies. Robert already has a ho/punching bag and I’m also a supermodel! You don’t know me, I go to the other school in town. Mmhmm.
November 26th, 2008 at 8:38 pm
Awesome. First rate comedy. Already you’re stretching the forthcoming backlash to the breaking point.
November 26th, 2008 at 8:20 pm
Oh don’t mind Frank, Mr. Brockway. He’s just being an idiot. You’ll see more of that in the near future. Are your blogs going to be out every Tuesday, like how Dan rules Fridays, or are you going to release things as you damn well please, like Swaim does?
November 26th, 2008 at 7:03 pm
Phil, typically Cracked writers check their sources. Sometimes there’s a little sarcasm and hyperbole, but most of it is normally correct. I’d suggest checking the links in the article though.
November 26th, 2008 at 6:20 pm
Funny, but a little long winded on some of the ranting humour. I still look forward to more in the future though.
November 26th, 2008 at 6:15 pm
You fucking suck. Good article though.
November 26th, 2008 at 6:11 pm
off to a good start man
November 26th, 2008 at 5:51 pm
hilarious article, but i’m new to this site and i cant tell if this stuff is real or not? because it all seems so riduculious. at the same time though, its using real company names, so could someone fill me in?
November 26th, 2008 at 5:48 pm
You are a funny motherf–er Brockway. Well done.
November 26th, 2008 at 4:31 pm
Am I the only one who thought the Humungous quote at the end was the funniest part of the article (not that the rest of the article wasnt hilarious, this was just more so)?
November 26th, 2008 at 4:30 pm
Pretty good, Brockway. Can’t wait to see what else you’ve got.
November 26th, 2008 at 4:20 pm
Gladstone,
Sorry about framing you for murdering that hooker and forcing you to “resign.” If I knew you were going to be this gracious about it, I only would’ve roughed her up a little.
Gladstone’s FB Friend,
You were so nowhere near first. May shame pursue you down the long, dark hallways of your own regret.
Ariel,
Go into settings/labs and turn on Mail Goggles. Maybe this will cut down on all those nudie pics you keep sending to my cracked account. If I told you once, I told you a million times: Those go to my work account.
Morecowbell,
Is this like one of those times when a celebrity mentions how they love Capri Sun so much, and then they get like a free crate of Capri Sun sent to them in the mail? If so, I’d just like to go on record as saying that I love Surface, and I would totally use it all the time. I also like blowjobs and cake, but those seem a bit harder to send through the post.
Gdog,
http://memimage.cardomain.com//member_images/11/web/251000-251999/251288_43.jpg
What?
Did you not think trannies did it sitting down?
Did you not think a tranny might have some non-standard equipment?
Did you expect her to be driving a hybrid?
I could do this all day.
November 26th, 2008 at 3:39 pm
totally hilarious writing. nice job.
November 26th, 2008 at 3:32 pm
That was a pretty funny article, I particularly enjoyed reading about the stressed and lonely alcoholic monkeys.
November 26th, 2008 at 2:29 pm
Great job, Rob! Keep it up! We’ll be back for more!
November 26th, 2008 at 2:15 pm
Rob!! You’re a Cracked columist now?? Thats great I’ve been readin your stuff on IFR for ages now. COngrats
November 26th, 2008 at 2:07 pm
Well, it’s new, for one thing. For another, you suffer from an acute and incurable disease of ‘Not Being Gladstone’. All in all, though, it was pretty good. It made me laugh. So I’ll keep reading your stuff.
November 26th, 2008 at 1:50 pm
So I start my day off like usual…stroll into work this morning…fire up my systems and tables, send off a few emails, wait for my con-call to start, fire up Cracked….and what to my wondering eyes do appear, AN ARTICLE WITH SURFACE!!!!!!!
I hope you guys like it. We work hard on it.
November 26th, 2008 at 1:45 pm
this is the first cracked article that i’ve actually posted on after reading. i’m doing this simply because it made me laugh so much. awesome writing.
November 26th, 2008 at 1:43 pm
Welcome.
Good start.
Now your job is to be insulted buy high school students and experts in every field you write about.
But you knew that coming in, and all the hot girls will sleep with you when you say you write for Cracked.
You have noe idea how often that line works for me, and I’m just a member.
November 26th, 2008 at 1:39 pm
Those teddy bears are going to fuck my shit up. (god if I had a dime for every time I’ve said THAT)
No, wait. I don’t even own a car. So fuck it. Plus, I bet Gladstone is still hot.
November 26th, 2008 at 1:35 pm
Gotta love that picture of Winnie The Pooh. xD
November 26th, 2008 at 1:24 pm
El Caminos don’t have back seats. Unless its the one from My Name is Ear.l
November 26th, 2008 at 1:16 pm
Wow! absolutely hysterical and higly informative! best article in a long time!
November 26th, 2008 at 12:52 pm
About two weeks ago, I got some disturbing images e-mailed to me. About 4am on a Sunday of all times! That person will never hear from me again.
Thank God for memory pills!
What was I talking about?
November 26th, 2008 at 12:25 pm
The Noheart reference is a journalist masterpiece! And you are a saint for letting me know about that gmail feature.
November 26th, 2008 at 12:23 pm
This was great!! Congratulations on your column
November 26th, 2008 at 12:21 pm
They should call them googgles.
November 26th, 2008 at 11:51 am
I laughed.
Good Job on the first blog post Robert.
November 26th, 2008 at 11:50 am
I always felt No-Heart was the best Care Bears villain– much better than Dark Heart or, God help us, Shrieky. Still, terrible the wy his career turned out. No-Heart is currently a manager of Human Resources at Nextel in Denver, Colorado. Yes, Mr. Beazly is his assistant manager.
November 26th, 2008 at 11:44 am
Yeah… so those are def apes in those pictures, not monkeys…
November 26th, 2008 at 11:16 am
i am just an idoit, or is google goggles actually gone, cause i cant fiind it on the site to turn it on!
November 26th, 2008 at 11:09 am
This was amazing. One of the best posts on here in a long time. Keep up the good work.
November 26th, 2008 at 10:58 am
So the Japanese invented a teddy bear you have to blow before you can drive your car? Somehow, I’m not surprised.
November 26th, 2008 at 10:49 am
Hmmm, I should have had G-Mail 2 weeks ago.. Like before I sent those pictrures at 4AM… Sunday Morning… I could use that memory pill right about now. Maybe I’m wrong, but I am pretty sure I will never hear from that person again. In fact I am hoping beyond hope that I don’t.
November 26th, 2008 at 10:48 am
[...] weekly columnists. Mine’s called Robert Brockway: Word Puncher. This is my first article, regarding the sweet, sweet science of gettin’ tore up, and includes references to Care Bears as well as Whore Cats. If there is something more you could [...]
November 26th, 2008 at 10:47 am
Not bad! DO IT!
November 26th, 2008 at 10:26 am
i love vaginas
November 26th, 2008 at 10:21 am
I have found that vodka and diet coke (gross combo, but no one will ask to taste also it has to be cheap vodka… preferrably Mr. Boston) has the same effect as a Shame Pill (provided you refill the glass a few times). If you still feel like swallowing a pill, following the cocktail with a Unisom or 3 works too.
November 26th, 2008 at 10:16 am
Mmmmm… baconator. For when you can’t get enough baconation.
November 26th, 2008 at 10:14 am
Oh my God…It’s another person brought in to further the ongoing competition for fans between all of the bloggers? Which on of them is *he* replacing? I’ll bet it’s Lex.
November 26th, 2008 at 10:09 am
Monkeys getting drunk is nothing new, really. There’s a population of feral monkeys on St. Kitts (in the Caribbean) that have a habit of stealing the tourist’s drinks, with annoying/hilarious/frightening consequences.
November 26th, 2008 at 10:05 am
That was pretty darn hilarious Brockway. I almost spit milk all over the world at “that’s when they’d least expect it.” You have passed round one.
Round 2 involves an obstacle course, so bring your running shoes.
November 26th, 2008 at 9:31 am
I had a friend who spent some time in Africa. He would have parties at his house, and a monkey that lived in the area would climb on the roof and pee on everyone unless you gave it beer. He said that there’s nothing sadder than a monkey too drunk to pee.
November 26th, 2008 at 9:24 am
Hi Robert!
Stunningly awesome article. I will follow your Cracked career with interest and quiet, disturbing stares of love.
November 26th, 2008 at 9:23 am
good job, i look forward to seeing more.
November 26th, 2008 at 9:20 am
love and punches, ahahahahaha, nice
November 26th, 2008 at 9:15 am
Welcome Robert! Just wanted to say thank you for my early morning chuckles, and the captions under the articles are great. I lost my shit w/”Kneel Before Zod!”
Any idea on when the stress pill might become available to the general public?
November 26th, 2008 at 9:07 am
Was the monkey playing PacMan supposed to be the one in the soul-crushing category? Wow, my childhood sucked…
November 26th, 2008 at 8:49 am
but you know, drunk kittens might turn out to be even more adorable!
November 26th, 2008 at 8:49 am
am i actually first? also, this was great.
November 26th, 2008 at 8:48 am
“recent results released by the No Shit Department at the University of Wasted Funding”
LOL to the max
November 26th, 2008 at 8:48 am
What is the name of the song at the end of this blog post?
Bring back Lex!
Shit, this shit makes White Ninja look good!
I saw this post a long time ago on college humor
You’re my favorite (after DOB)
your a faget
Everybody see that? All the trollery has been done already so just say hi Robert! And compliment him on his first columnist post. (if you’ve read it. I haven’t so, y’know, but i’m sure it’s first rate.)
I mean, if he had enough time to write a post during all his campaigning to get me kicked off Cracked.
(I’m scared some might not realize that’s a joke. But not scared enough apparently.)
November 26th, 2008 at 8:47 am
First
November 26th, 2008 at 8:45 am
Hilarious.
November 26th, 2008 at 8:36 am
Hi Robert!