This is Captain Luther Spacefire, of the Starship Icarus. Our ship's A.I. seems to have malfunctioned, sending us on an unplanned detour that very nearly cost the lives of many of my crew. We narrowly averted disaster this time, but I'm concerned the A.I. has exploitable vulnerabilities we need to shore up. I've asked my support crew to look into the matter and issue me some reports on the incident.
7Human Resources Report -- 7th Cycle, Toosday, Mortch 1st
At Captain Spacefire's request, I've compiled this HR report on the "solar event" that burned out many of our exterior sensor panels and briefly interrupted the ship's porno feeds (crew complaints already number in the thousands).
I engaged my A-Va HR avatar body first thing in the morning, awoke in my cubby on the ship, and began morning rounds. After orienting a new crew member whose genitals require special restroom key-codes, I counseled the ship's AI (he was feeling tense over the possibility of one day being turned into billions of aluminum cans) and scanned all the decks in my purview for emotional instability. Finding the Sub-J Support Deck crew in full panic and contemplating violent revolt, I replicated a plate of cookies and some tea and headed down there to see what the fuss was.
Ekaterina Molchanova/iStock/Getty Images
Pecan: the cookie of peace.
Discovering that the crew was engaged in a Lord of the Flies-style battle for power and territory, I decided cookies weren't an appropriate response and instead flooded the chamber with HR Gas. After purging all bodily fluids and awaking several hours later, the crew seemed acceptably mollified (I've docked the price of the gas pellets used from their potential future stock option earnings).
Hearing that the solar event had passed and certain disaster had been averted by Captain Spacefire's heroic actions in the face of a fiery doom, they decided not to revolt and instead to return to their crushing and meaningless jobs. Success!
6Crew Complaint -- Ensign #4778294
Hi? I was just rethawed or unfrozen or whatever? A-Va said I could talk into this and someone would read it. PLEASE read this. Or ... hear it? Whatever this box turns the words I say into, please please please do whatever you do on your box or screen or whatever to read or hear or feel them.
I'm not sure who's running things on this spaceship, but they need to crank up the air-conditioning FAST. I'm on the Sub-J Deck (I think?) and it's like a Quiznos oven in here (that is an antique kind of oven I read about in a history book ... sorry to over-explain; the heat is affecting my focus).
They were outlawed during the Hoagie Revolution of '79.
Worse, the ship locked the door and we're all half-naked and baking alive! People are angry, and one of us is an alien, and NONE of this was in the recruiting brochure. Not that I read the whole brochure cover-to-cover, but I'm just assuming. I think the alien went to the bathroom in the corner. At the very least, he did something with his body that made a pile of foul-smelling blue stuff. Do I have to clean that? Is that my job? I can't stress enough how little has been explained to me.
So please, if there is a security team or something listening to/reading these, send someone down here before we all boil alive and you have to pay to clone new ones or whatever you do to replace people in space. I hope it's not that.
Also, would it hurt to pipe in music while we work? I like Miley Clarkson.