4Man Pretends to Be a Hitman to Extort Victims
Las Vegas poker dealer Essam Ahmed Eid had absolutely no background in contract killing beyond having a vaguely sinister mustache, but that didn't stop him from creating HitmanForHire.net, a useful hub for professional murderers to upload their resumes and connect with potential clients. It isn't clear whether the site saw any traffic from for-realsies assassins, but people began posting job opportunities, offering to buy deaths for sums of money too large for Eid to ignore (including a fifth-grade girl who needed a classmate of hers clipped immediately). So he did what any self-respecting businessman would do and began answering the ads himself.
"Single hit men in your area looking to chat"? Sounds legit.
He turned to Google to look up some basic hit man-related information, like how to make a silencer out of old toilet parts and how to cook his own Ricin powder, in order to sell his image. But Eid didn't actually kill anyone -- no, he merely approached each target and told them he was going to kill them, a plan so monumentally genius that only a person looking to double the amount of material witnesses at their eventual trial could have thought it up.
So it was that Eid showed up in a sports car, dressed like Johnny Cash's stylist, at a woman's place of business and politely informed her that he had just been paid thousands of dollars to erase her from the planet. But he was feeling magnanimous, and would let her live if she could come up with enough money to buy out his contract. Eid gave her a deadline of three days and helpfully left his real name and contact information, because hit men work on the honor system.
Steve Humphreys/The Independent
If she squealed on him, he planned to slip Ricin into her cigarettes.
Needless to say, Eid pulled this stunt exactly one time before the FBI got called on his ass, so he fled to Ireland, where he immediately tried it again. Irish authorities arrested him before he was able to jump to yet another country and try his scheme a third time, because "learning" is just a fancy word for "quitting."
3Woman Hires Another Woman to Pretend to Be a Man Disguised as a Woman to Kill Her Husband
Back in 1920s Pressburg (known today as Bratislava), Mrs. Draskoczy decided she wanted her wealthy husband, Arpad, out of the picture. So, she hired a female assassin disguised as a governess, who slowly began poisoning Arpad's food and sending him steamy love letters. Mrs. Draskoczy hoped that her husband would start feeling so terrorized by the governess that he would finally consent to a divorce, because logic wasn't invented until sometime in the late 1970s.
Leaving your murderous wife for your murderous maid was an old Slovak tradition.
Arpad did indeed begin to feel terrorized, but instead of agreeing to a divorce, he simply insisted that his wife taste all of his food for him to make sure it was safe and told the governess to quit sending him mash notes. Muttering creative Czech curses under her breath, Mrs. Draskoczy began Phase II, which was to convince her husband that the governess was A) actually trying to sleep with her and not him, and B) was really a man in disguise (neither of those things were true). Arpad, who as we have come to learn was a man of much more principle than sense, confronted the governess with his wife's accusations. The governess insisted that she really was a woman, and invited him to her bedroom to check for himself. Arpad obliged, and once they were both in the bedroom, the governess pulled out a gun and shot him in the head.
He thought he'd see her Featherbottom, but he instead became a victim of Doubtfire.
However, not only did the bullet not kill him immediately, it apparently made him forget everything that had happened during the previous 10 seconds, because he became convinced the shot had come from somewhere outside the mansion and grabbed his own rifle to go investigate, leaving his would-be assassin sitting on her bed in the dark with a smoking pistol. Sadly, the bullet eventually caught up with Arpad and he died later in the hospital, but not before giving a statement that implicated his two bumbling murderers. And after police were finished diagramming the extremely complicated stupidity of the scheme -- which presumably took seven hours and a sextant -- they arrested Mrs. Draskoczy and her faux gender-reversed divorce-hit man.