5 Famous Superhero Secret Identities Updated for Modern Life

#2. Home Health Aide, Not Newspaperman

Ryan McVay/Photodisc/Getty Images

Not only is print dead, but the only people who read it are slowly following.

As the baby boomers tumble over the ledge of 65+, our economy will be consumed with their care. This aging population could greatly benefit from the assistance of a superhero. Imagine the number of rubber sheets a man with superspeed could change per day versus a regular guy with a negligible work ethic and string of not-legally-required-to-report misdemeanors under his belt.

Comstock/Comstock/Getty Images
If his kids actually cared about things like that, they wouldn't have sent him to a home that was featured on Dateline.

Administering elder care at private homes throughout the city allows the superhero to take the temperature of the crime climate. Should there be nefariousness afoot, he can act quickly so long as he doesn't abandon any of the elderly in mid-bath, as that will result in, at best, a report to adult protective services and, at worst, a wrinkly drowning.

Superman would be particularly adept at this job. Compassionate and honest to a fault, he could save the bloated Medicare system untold dollars by using his X-ray vision to detect cancers and identify hip and knee joints requiring replacement.

Stockbyte/Stockbyte/Getty Images
"So what's your vision say?"
"Bad news: You'll need knee surgery in six months. Good news: You're not going to live long enough to have to get it."

#1. Sports Book Runner, Not Lawyer

Jupiterimages/Comstock/Getty Images

In the last five years, pretty much anyone who could separate their skin from the couch fabric but couldn't find gainful employment went to law school. Now, the glut of unemployed lawyers is staggering, and Daredevil and She-Hulk's legal eagle alter egos are soon to be washed up relics, trampled by the eager masses with ballooning student loan payments.

George Doyle/Stockbyte/Getty Images
"I never saw it coming." -Matt Murdock, Esq.

If someone wants a will drawn up, who will he turn to? A blind guy charging $200 an hour, or a recent law school grad, nuances of current estate law fresh on the brain, who will work for a gift certificate to a tanning salon?

The solution to this problem is the solution to every problem since the dawn of man: legalized gambling. With many U.S. states in dire budgetary straits, gambling revenue is once again being looked upon as a fail-safe panacea. Debate the knuckleheaded logic of that all you want, but the upside is that a whole mess of jobs are opening up in the gaming industry.

A superhero with a sound and trustworthy legal background would do well on the floor of a casino or at the dog track running bets. While this doesn't offer the opportunity to roam the streets, it does provide tips on upcoming heists and plans to enslave the city by transforming its populace into rodents. Some two-bit henchman is always spilling the goods on incubating schemes while gambling.

Brand X Pictures/Brand X Pictures/Getty Images
"I really have to stop monologuing during craps games."

Recommended For Your Pleasure

To turn on reply notifications, click here


The Cracked Podcast

Choosing to "Like" Cracked has no side effects, so what's the worst that could happen?

The Weekly Hit List

Sit back... Relax... We'll do all the work.
Get a weekly update on the best at Cracked. Subscribe now!