Despite our warnings about the horrors of pregnancy, childbirth, and babies, some of you are still destined to become parents, if you haven't done it already. Congratulations! Now prepare to be terrified, because you have no idea what you're about to face. And we're not even talking about that first diaper change.
We're betting that before now, nobody has told you that ...
Aw, look at that full, luxurious head of hair on your little tyke! She looks just like her old man! And look at all the hair on her shoulders and back. Just like her ... grandpa?
There should be a law.
Yes, along with those downy newborn locks, don't be surprised if your baby is born with hair all over her upper back, shoulders, and face, especially if she's born early.
Via Lynne Uhring, MD, FAAP, Babyfaq.info
"Code yellow! Nurse, get me a comb, stat!"
Don't worry. You haven't really given birth to Jo-Jo the Dog-Faced Boy. That hair is called lanugo, and it's normal. Lanugo is the first hair the body makes, and in utero it covers the developing child like fuzz on a peach, if that peach had spent the last five months kicking its mother when she was trying to sleep and jumping up and down on her bladder. Experts think the hair is meant to regulate the baby's temperature in the womb, like a shoddy fur coat. Fun fact: If the baby is born lanugo-free, that means she shed the hair in the uterus ... then ate it.
So those are your options, parents: You're either blessed with a smooth-skinned baby who only sports hair on her head because she ate the rest of her body hair during the seventh or eighth month of pregnancy like a disgusting little pre-birth Gollum, or you have a hairy baby. No need to storm the aisles of Babies R Us looking for a razor, though; the hair will go away on its own in a few weeks.
And if not, there's always the black market.
There's nothing more peaceful than sleeping infants, especially since it's the one time they're not screaming at you for something. But you might notice that your baby sleeps differently: He or she continues to glare at you while snoring away.
And not only are the baby's eyes not shut all the way, but those eyeballs are rolling around in their sockets like your bundle of joy is on a particularly good trip, its lips are twitching ... wait, is your baby possessed? Is it time to call a baby exorcist? Does that mean the exorcist is also a baby?
If so, maybe have him start with the clearly possessed parent who bestowed this idiotic torture.
Nope -- sleeping with half-open eyes is just a thing babies do. The truth is no one knows why they do it -- scientists are too busy working on things like sudden infant death syndrome and baby cancer to figure out zombie-eyed sleep patterns. The best guess is that it's because infants spend so much time in REM sleep: 50 percent, as opposed to an adult's 20 percent. It's the most active sleep stage, and it's called REM because, duh, rapid eye movement. Plus, remember that newborns do nothing but sleep, eat, poop, and cry, but mostly sleep. If you were knocked out 17 hours a day, you'd get caught doing some weird shit with your eyes, too.
Fortunately, your baby will outgrow creeping you out with its eyelids eventually, and in the meantime you can take comfort in the fact that YouTube is full of videos of parents desperately trying to convince themselves that their twitching voodoo child is somehow cute.
"Here, give him a kiss- wait, why are you running away?"
Everybody who's seen a comedy featuring a baby knows the drill. The minute your uptight boss or prospective lover walks by, a baby is going to upchuck all over him or her. It's unavoidable movie logic. What they don't tell you is that the regurgitated formula can just as easily erupt from his button nose.
If you're not horrified, you're not picturing what's happening correctly. Imagine sneezing and getting a Kleenex full of cheeseburger or pepperoni pizza. Imagine having remnants of your half-digested food linger in your nose for the rest of the day. That's what babies have to deal with, partially because God hates them, and partially because the valve between their esophagus and stomach isn't fully developed and junk creeps back up into the throat and mouth. By the time we hit the dinner table, most of us have figured out how to keep milk from shooting out of our noses after a good knock-knock joke. Babies aren't there yet, so you have to be patient, have an iron stomach, and have about 232,000 burp rags.
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Oh God, she can't see the look on his face! DROP HIM AND RUN, WOMAN!
Speaking of burp rags, don't freak out if one of them ends up with a stain that suspiciously looks like blood splatter. Among the many hellish things that will come out of your baby's mouth and nose is partially digested blood. Although alarming, blood in the baby barf can have a simple, disgusting explanation. When the kid is being squeezed out, he can swallow his mom's blood during all that nastiness and then puke it up later. Also, breastfeeding is not easy on the nipples, so if the skin cracks and bleeds (yes, that happens), the baby gets a little something extra in the milk.
Still, if your bundle of joy's spewing blood, you should really call your doctor and get that shit checked out, just to be safe.
Duct tape can't replace medical professionals. Yet.