The 6 Creepiest Sexual Encounters in Comic Book History

#3. Superman's Girl Friend Lois Lane #25 -- Superman Marries, Enslaves Lois Lane

In one of the numerous "What if?" stories published in this series, Superman has been married to the love of his life, Lois Lane, for a month. For her protection, he keeps their marriage secret and hides her away in the Fortress of Solitude. But adventurous Lois has grown bored of the Arctic and demands that Superman announce their marriage to their world. Reluctant and wary, Superman agrees.

Superman's Girl Friend Lois Lane #25

But of course, Lois almost immediately regrets her decision, because this is 1961 and she is a woman. Now that the world knows she is married to Superman, she is in constant danger from overpriced merchandise, mass mailings and superbeings who want to kill her. So Superman builds her a protective vehicle, because the Man of Steel isn't going to buy his own groceries, assassins be damned.

Superman's Girl Friend Lois Lane #25
That bubble is every kid we hated playing Cowboys and Indians with.

Supes is treating Lois (his wife, remember) at best as an afterthought, and at worst as a prisoner. Sure, she can drive around in the giant everything-proof bubble he somehow managed to build for her (presumably with Batman's help), but couldn't he have at least put in some tinting? It's almost like he wants people to shoot at it so he can test how bulletproof it is.

This is all not even considering the fact that he expects Lois to live in the goddamned North goddamned Pole for the rest of her natural existence, with nobody to talk to except for a bunch of robot Superman clones that seem curiously preoccupied with some other area of the frozen wasteland:

Superman's Girl Friend Lois Lane #25
"Sorry, Lois. But you did marry an alien superbeing with no real ability to comprehend mortal needs."

Finally, you may have noticed by now that Lois is Mrs. Superman, not Mrs. Kent. That's because somehow, in between vowing to be faithful and loving and true to each other, the notion that Supes should perhaps tell Lois his secret identity evidently never occurred to either one of them.

Superman's Girl Friend Lois Lane #25
"Then I'll check in with my other wife in Des Moines! This 'faster than a speeding bullet' shit is tits."

#2. Nightwing #93-95 -- Tarantula Rapes Nightwing

If you're not a comic book guy, you should know that Nightwing is the identity Dick Grayson (formerly Robin) adopted in later years, and Tarantula is an up-and-coming heroine who Nightwing decides to mentor in the art of crime fighting.

So, she goes off to face the supervillain Copperhead, and she gets her ass handed to her:

Nightwing #95

Luckily, Nightwing comes charging in to save the day before Copperhead chokes her to death. As he does, Tarantula stands to the side, all moon-faced and doe-eyed as the man of her dreams valiantly defends her.

Nightwing #95
To be fair, any one of us would swoon over a guy flip-kicking a dinosaur man in the face.

After the fight is over, Tarantula tries to steal a kiss. She almost succeeds, but work-oriented Nightwing walks away before first impact, not even looking over his shoulder to see if his devoted student is following him.

Nightwing #95
Because he's got 99 problems.

Eager to please, she chases after him like an affectionate puppy. Seems like a pretty standard "girl has unrequited crush on her gruff mentor" story line, right?

Well, as it turns out, that gruff exterior may be a manifestation of some fierce PTSD. While Nightwing lay injured and immobile two issues prior, Tarantula climbed aboard and, ignoring his protests, raped him in the street.

Nightwing #93

Writer Devin Grayson has reassured us that "I never used the word 'rape,' I just said it was nonconsensual." Sure thing!

Nightwing #93
Because, hey, nonconsensual sex and rape are totally different things.

Later on, she drags a drunken, plainclothes Nightwing to the courthouse and takes advantage of his weakened judgment to get him to pay for a marriage license for the two of them.

Nightwing #93
"Man, I sure am glad this obvious rapey sociopath knows my real identity."

All the love in the air gets thrown into high gear when Nightwing bails out at the last moment and leaves Tarantula standing all by her rapey self at the county clerk's office.

Nightwing #93
"I need to go break into my sister's apartment."

#1. Ant-Man #3 -- Ant-Man Has Sex With His Dead Friend's Girlfriend on That Dead Friend's Grave

Avengers: The Initiative #8

... almost.

Despite being a superhero, Ant-Man has always been kind of a shithead. In the new series, Ant-Man's alter ego is Eric O'Grady, who has all the same powers as the original Ant-Man but engages in slightly different habits of douchebaggery.

Ant-Man #3
To be fair, this is precisely what most of us would do with this power.

During a mission, Eric's best friend, Chris, gets killed, and Eric has to deliver the tragic news to Chris' girlfriend, Veronica.

Ant-Man #3
She cried so hard her glasses broke.

Eric and Veronica spend the next week mourning their loss together and growing closer as they bond over Chris' death, traveling together to Chris' hometown for his funeral and some manly superhero cry sessions.

Ant-Man #3
"Funny story -- I was kinda responsible for your boyfriend's untimely death. Let's bone."

After the funeral, they again find each other for comfort and support, and eventually their grief comes out in the form of a teary-eyed make-out session in the rain.

Ant-Man #3
You wouldn't have thought it, but Ant-Man's shrinking power is a surprise hit with the ladies.

Pretty standard romance, right?

Actually, when we say "after the funeral," we mean exactly that. As in "directly after the funeral." As in "they're standing on the freshly piled dirt atop Chris' earthly tomb." This could be seen as an acceptable part of their mutual mourning process, except for the fact that they are currently in a graveyard, making out directly on Chris' grave a week after his death. You can leave a Big Mac out on the counter for longer than that and eat it without a problem. And soon, they fall down to the grave itself to get their bone on:

Ant-Man #3
Boy, everyone else must've just left immediately after the service.

So the guy is rotting six feet below his best friend and his girlfriend rolling in the dirt, tearing each other's clothes off and teetering on the edge of vaginal boniferation. Finally, Veronica cuts it off before it becomes the full-fledged deed, leaving Eric sitting in front of his buddy's tombstone with balls more blue than any grief-stricken mourner in the entire cemetery. Presumably he then went home to "wrestle with his guilt."

Ant-Man #3
"Hey, buddy, just keep on saying nothing if it's cool for me to rub one out here."

For more from E.D. Gonzalez, check out Gonzo's Warriors Blog. D. McCallum has more nerd comedy that you can check out here, or you can follow her on Twitter here.

For more ways comic books frighten us, check out The 6 Creepiest Comic Book Characters of All Time and The 5 Creepiest Sex Scenes in Comics.

Recommended For Your Pleasure

To turn on reply notifications, click here


The Cracked Podcast

Choosing to "Like" Cracked has no side effects, so what's the worst that could happen?

The Weekly Hit List

Sit back... Relax... We'll do all the work.
Get a weekly update on the best at Cracked. Subscribe now!