As long as humans exist, we will probably need weapons, and as long as we have weapons, we will be looking for ways to upgrade them to new, awesome, horrible levels. We do not necessarily approve of the use or even the manufacture of any of the following devices; we only feel a duty to alert you to their existence. Because they're insane.
#5. The Electroshock Cyborg Fist
No matter how many weapons have been created and refined over time, the first and often last weapon available to you is comprised of your very own balled hands. And, as we've pointed out before, they are difficult and relatively useless tools that are likely to cause more grief to you than your opponent.
Sure, there are all sorts of gloves and knuckledusters to protect delicate hands and/or increase punching power. Hell, there are even knuckleduster knife-guns. But sometimes, mere insanity is not enough. When you reach that point, what you need is electricity.
The Insane Upgrade
Incredibly, it isn't the hat.
Say hello to the BodyGuard, simultaneously the most awesome and irresponsible self-defense weapon in the history of everything. Its strangeness starts with its designer, David Brown -- instead of being a weaponsmith, he's a music video editor, producer and cameraman for artists like Rage Against the Machine and Snoop Dogg. So it comes as no surprise that his invention packs a certain amount of swagger: It's basically an armored Batman glove that encompasses your entire arm.
Brown has equipped the glove with a high-powered stun gun, for the sole reason of allowing you to electro-punch shit. To accompany that, he also threw in a flashlight (to better see what you're electro-punching), and a laser pointer (to better aim your electro-punch), and a goddamn video camera (because no one on earth would believe you just electro-punched a dude unless you immediately got that shit onto YouTube).
At some point, a man looked up at the sky and said, "I need to turn this into a punch."
The thinking behind the BodyGuard is that in the heat of a violent encounter, a normal handheld weapon can be easily dropped or taken away -- whereas the only way the BodyGuard can be removed from you is if you were literally disarmed.
Although a relatively new product, the BodyGuard has already gained a measure of interest and fame among law enforcement, and is currently in trials with the LAPD. However, its original use was very different: It was invented to punch mountain lions.
Oh yes. Brown got the idea for his lightning combat glove when he learned of two bikers who had been mauled by a mountain lion. We can't help but be impressed by a guy whose instinctive reaction to such a story is: "I must now punch that lion with thunder!"
There's a certain elegance in simplicity.
#4. The Machete Gun
Technically, machetes are tools designed to hack through a jungle. However, ever since someone noticed that people are generally a lot softer than jungles, the giant knife has seen its share of combat and developed the kind of fearsome reputation sizable chopping utensils tend to enjoy.
But put some distance between yourself and the opponent, and the machete's combat value degrades to that of a toilet paper umbrella. It's literally a case of bringing a knife to a gunfight: Either you just flail pathetically around with it, or you try throwing the machete at the enemy. Both scenarios are likely to warrant little more reaction from your opponent than a long look, a sad headshake and a burst from their AK. Which is why you want to have your machete gun handy.
The Insane Upgrade
This is Joerg Sprave, holding his giant-ass slingshot gun that shoots machetes:
"Remember when I said I'd kill you last, underbrush? I lied."
And holy shit this is a video of a giant-ass slingshot gun that shoots machetes:
Sprave is a slingshot enthusiast who specializes in building slingshot guns that shoot things in ways they aren't meant to be shot, which according to our calculations puts him approximately 1/3 of a minor tragedy away from taking up supervillainy (we're assuming villainy, because there's no way a hero would design a slingshot that can launch machetes in an arc of bladey horror that is heading for your face right now).
What's more, Sprave is not alone with his hobby: Here's another dude who built a crossbow that shoots buzz saw blades from scratch, just for the hell of it.
It has a green laser sight. Because of course.
So yeah -- there appears to be a whole host of people out there building homemade contraptions that enable them to shoot random sharp objects at you like they were video game bosses. If these people all belong to the same club, here's hoping that a fight never breaks out at a meeting. Or if it does, that someone is there to film it.
#3. The Wall of Tasers
There is one thing everyone can agree on when it comes to the controversial Taser -- it sucks to get hit by one. Carried by police around the world, the Taser fires a pair of tiny darts that prick the skin an instant before a powerful jolt of electricity makes all of your muscles stop working, ending the fight before it begins. So when the people at Taser wanted to upgrade their signature product for military applications, the solution was pretty much "Why not just glue a shitload of them together?"
The Insane Upgrade
"Boom. Done. Let's blow the rest of this year's R&D budget on liquor."
They call it the Shockwave because, well, that was really the only option. It shocks people in waves. Basically it's a bank of six Tasers that can be stacked together to form one solid wall of pain. If this seems like overkill for, say, arresting a couple of rowdy drunks, Taser reps say it's for the military to use as "perimeter control" -- something you can stash outside the area you don't want bad guys to approach that can drop a whole squad of them without killing them.
Or you can make one unlucky dude poop himself in, like, a second.
Oh, and you can also mount it on the front of a vehicle, in case you wanted to drive through a crowd, we guess, or Tase some people who are too slow getting across a crosswalk. Ah, who are we kidding? It's going to take some police force about five seconds to abuse this thing. It doesn't help that the company's demo video runs over a variation of the Terminator theme:
And while we're on the subject of non-lethal yet horrifying weapons ...