Picture an animal that is nothing but teeth, jaws and hunger pangs. And then, in the last few hundred thousand years of its evolutionary path, it said "Whatever" and decided to grow a body. Just as an afterthought. That's pretty much what you get when you look at the goliath tigerfish, the horror movie mouth that evolved a body ... a body that is 100 percent inconsequential because LOOK AT THAT MOUTH.
"I feed entirely on the ankles of swimmers."
It's a whole mouth made of Crocodile Dundee's shark necklace, but if the necklace had a cloning machine and a Dahmer-like temperament. You might even say it's a shark's mouth -- except it's not. Because sharks are slick and lean. They may be deadly, but at least you know where you stand with a shark.
It's the only fish that hunts accompanied by banjo music.
Those interlocking fangs work like scissors to rip out chunks of flesh, and the fish themselves can grow up to 150 pounds. And have been known to attack crocodiles.
Let's give that image a minute to sink in -- this is a fish that can attack crocodiles. Honestly, after watching the video linked below, we're not so sure the whole thing isn't just a puppet from Jim Henson's Fraggle Rock days. Look at it pulse its mouth open and shut like Fozzie Bear telling a joke in slow motion.
"Wocka wocka wocka!"
Quick! Name the deadliest animal in the ocean! You probably said "shark," unless you're a hippie, and then you said "MAN!" But if you're a fisherman living near the Pacific Ocean, you should have said "needlefish." And then shivered mightily.
At first glance, the fish looks they way you'd expect an animal named a "needlefish" to look. They're not horribly big, ranging in size from 2 inches to 3 feet long. And they're skinny, so you wouldn't imagine anyone giving a second glance to an animal you could throttle with one hand.
Though it doesn't give you much surface area to punch, so you have to be precise.
Sure, the thing has two jagged spears for a face, but as long as you're in the boat and it's in the water, what's the worst that could happen? Answer: It could jump out of the ocean at 38 miles per hour and stab you in the eye, that's what.
Poseidon's rebuttal to sport fishing.
Or the throat, or the chest, or the brain. It turns out the needlefish isn't the brightest crayon in the box, and at night (when Pacific reef fisherman and divers are most likely to get their catches) the lights from the boats get the fish all riled up. Entire schools of swimming knife-fish have been known to speed toward the brightness, even jumping onto boats and introducing people's internal organs to their snouts.
And as if the thought of getting skewered by a flying fish isn't horrific enough, that's not even the victim's worst problem. The bigger problem is that all or part of the fish's needle beak can break off in the skin. Not exactly the souvenir most of us are looking for when taking the Hawaiian vacation of a lifetime.
Just remember to wear riot gear before going out with your Ski-Doo.