5 Fish Clearly Designed by a Madman
You know the problem with Sharktopus, the SyFy original movie about a half shark, half octopus monster? It just wasn't necessary. Nature provides enough science-fiction-level aquatic horrors all on her own.
Hell, some of these are actually less believable than the Sharktopus. Like the ...
#5. Sawfish
Have you ever wondered what it would look like if you glued a machine gun to a puppy's nose? Or a machete to a turkey? Let's just go all out and imagine adhering all of the weapons from a zombie video game to the heads of zoo animals, mix and match style. Hey, we'll put a chainsaw on a fish!
Via Animal.Discovery.com
Just shove your hand up the cloaca for a great Bruce Campbell effect.
Actually, that looks more like the offspring of the fish and chainsaw's drunken hookup.
That fish is a sawfish (duh) and its shnozzle is actually called a rostrum, and it can grow as long as 5 feet and have as many as 37 blades running up both sides. And each of those teeth can be up to 2 inches long.
Via ymtblog.org.uk
"The only thing I could find to kill it was another sawfish."
And, as if the weapon itself wasn't horrifying enough, the barbed club is also covered in motion- and electro-sensitive pores that are designed to help the monster detect the heartbeats of other fish hiding on the ocean floor.
These are all things you should remember should you ever find your nearly dead body at the bottom of the ocean. That and the fact that cyanide pills slip nicely into any wetsuit.
Via Animal.Discovery.com
Careful back there, dude. Its ass is made of grenades.
#4. Viperfish
Via Much like the kids who had to sit alone in the cafeteria in junior high, the viperfish's teeth are so big they don't fit in the animal's face. They curve out and over, with the bottom fangs coming dangerously close to the fish's eyes. They'd actually be kind of pathetic if they weren't so petrifying.
Via Nicefishworld.com
At the very least, it's a good argument against sober intelligent design.
Science doesn't know too much about the viperfish, since it lives as far as 5,000 feet below the ocean's surface. What we do know is that it's relatively small, usually only growing up to about a foot long. So it's far away from the surface and kind of little, at least compared to a few other fish. Don't get too cozy, though, captain. The viperfish has got a few tricks to make up for its small size and misshapen underbite.
For one thing, those fangs are clear, so none of its prey can see them coming. And for another, this sneakster lures smaller fish with a fake light:
Via Bellsouthpwp.net
"Don't mind me. I am just some light, and light cannot eat you."
In the blackness of the deep ocean, little guys see the glowing floaters, think they're dinner, then BAM! FANG IMPALEMENT! The fangs don't even act as teeth -- they're spears. And this guy is fast about it, too, so fast that the first vertebra of its spine is specially designed to act at a shock absorber. It collides with so much force that evolution had to come up with a uniquely padded backbone to keep them from hurting themselves. That's how hard it stabs other fish. If you can imagine a serial killer who is so violent that his stabbing arm had to mutate a special protective cushion, he still won't be as frightening as the viperfish.
Via Roadlesstravelled.com
We're pretty sure that viperfish are the reason we developed legs and got the hell out of the ocean.
#3. Tigerfish
Via Picture an animal that is nothing but teeth, jaws and hunger pangs. And then, in the last few hundred thousand years of its evolutionary path, it said "Whatever" and decided to grow a body. Just as an afterthought. That's pretty much what you get when you look at the goliath tigerfish, the horror movie mouth that evolved a body ... a body that is 100 percent inconsequential because LOOK AT THAT MOUTH.
Via Sportressofblogitude.com
"I feed entirely on the ankles of swimmers."
It's a whole mouth made of Crocodile Dundee's shark necklace, but if the necklace had a cloning machine and a Dahmer-like temperament. You might even say it's a shark's mouth -- except it's not. Because sharks are slick and lean. They may be deadly, but at least you know where you stand with a shark.
The goliath tigerfish of Africa, on the other hand, is practically sporting googly eyes and a cocked mesh trucker hat. Look at it -- it's like Lennie Small but with a mouth full of daggers.
It's the only fish that hunts accompanied by banjo music.
Those interlocking fangs work like scissors to rip out chunks of flesh, and the fish themselves can grow up to 150 pounds. And have been known to attack crocodiles.
Let's give that image a minute to sink in -- this is a fish that can attack crocodiles. Honestly, after watching the video linked below, we're not so sure the whole thing isn't just a puppet from Jim Henson's Fraggle Rock days. Look at it pulse its mouth open and shut like Fozzie Bear telling a joke in slow motion.
Via Pinoytutorial.com
"Wocka wocka wocka!"
You forgot the pacu. Just watch the River Monsters episode on that. It is called "The Mutilator"
ReplyIn short, it is a piranha the size of a sheep with human teeth that bites people's balls off. Yes, it is an invasive species. But don't worry! They only do that whole "ballcutting" thing in Papua New Guinea. It's not like they get caught in America or anything!
I despise fishermen.
ReplyAnd the needlefish gives them just what they have coming.
I suspect they aren't particularly fond of you either lol
Damn, nature. You never let up, do you?
ReplyEels are really cute!
ReplyDAMN, OCEAN! YOU SCARY!
ReplyI have eaten Moray Eel, tastiest fish I ever had!
ReplyEel is amazingly tasty, I do hate how it melts the moment it hits your mouth. Mmmm delici...*squish*
Sawfish don't use their rostrums on other fish. They root through the sand to flush out buried shellfish, and as a defensive weapon if needed.
ReplyIn the Cretaceous, sawfish grew up to 20 feet in length and were a major part of the diet of Spinosaurus.
they dont use it on other fish? key words "defensive weapon if needed"
The problem with the SyFy original movie "Sharktopus" was that enjoyed it better the first time when it was called "Devil Fish"! (Served with satanic string beans and deep lucifered potatoes.)
Reply"I KNOOOOOOW!!"
Top notch article. Funny, and I learned some stuff. And all the links worked! Clearly this research went beyond a google search.
ReplySouth-East Asia has something similar to 2 called a garfish which has 1 long lower jaw and 1 short upper jaw but the jaw is too soft to stab a human
ReplyTerrible fishies, but I still fear the anglerfish the most.
ReplyNeeds more lampreys.
ReplyAgreed. Those things give me the jibblies.
f**k lampreys. I pretend that they don't exist...until I catch a fish with a lamprey stuck to its f*****g eye. Poor fishies.
It's "Sea-Doo". "Ski-Doo" is the one that goes on snow.
ReplyI can sleep better knowing this. Thank you.
Life is short,goo.gl/Oepcn is what you need.
Replyviper fish have been giving me nightmares since i was a kid
ReplyI used to be a Pacific Ocean fisherman....then I took a Needlefish to the knee.
ReplyBWAHAHAHA!
Kudos on the 'Indoor gardening tips from a man who's very scared of plants' reference!
ReplyGreat article, I just wish it was longer. There are so many wtf fish out there.
ReplyHave you guys seen the Goblin shark? Now that is one ugly fish! (Sorry, Mr. Goblin shark. I don't mean to hurt your feelings.) :)
Reply"No need to apologize. I'll be goblin- YOUR SOUL!" -Goblin Shark
what about the fish that swims up your peehole?
Reply Hide All See All 4 RepliesAnaconda is an awesome movie.
You mean MANACONDA?
Venture Bros is an awesome show.
Oddly enough, the lady of the house also asked about the candiru upon reading this article. However, said urethra-invading fish is obviously the work of the f*****g Devil, not just some random madman.