There are only three kinds of parents in the world: good ones, bad ones and ones who put their kids on leashes. Usually, the bad ones are far too busy hitting the crack pipe to mess with the edification and development of their progeny. Not in these cases. Below are six ways well-meaning people can nearly kill their children, without even the benefit of a little bump of meth.
#6. Suspended Baby Cages
We know what you're thinking: it's just a playpen with a lid, and what's so horrific about that? Even the best mother can't hover over a toddling baby 24/7, so putting a baby in a safe place, even if it kind of looks like a cage, at least keeps him away from the machete drawer.
Or the happy magic juice.
It's at this point that we should probably clarify what we're talking about here. It's not that the contraption was merely a cage, even though we do want to go on the record as being anti-putting-babies-in-wire-cages. It's that this particular cage was not on the ground. It was suspended out of a window, like so:
The only time your child will be in danger of low-flying aircraft.
Have you ever looked up at an AC unit precariously perched on the edge of a fourth-story window and wondered if that thing would work as a baby holder? No? Huh.
In the 1930s, London mothers had a problem. Unlike country babies, city babies didn't have acres of rambling estates to crawl around. Fortunately, some idiot in America patented the perfect solution for air-starved infants -- a baby kennel that hung out the window. Mini-humans with a hankerin' for fresh air could just crawl right out the window into their totally safe cages.
"Oh dear, little Kierkegaard has been reading about nihilism again."
The best part is that the mother doesn't scream in horror as her child totters out an open window, or that she never realizes she's trained her baby to totter out open windows. The other best part is how the patent specifies the mom can lock the cage from the interior of the house, just in case the baby really wants to get back inside but hasn't been aired out enough yet. The patent also specifies that the cage has a solid lid, so the little tyke won't get wet in the "snow and rain."
It's OK to dangle your child high above the street ... as long as he doesn't get wet.
Fresh air was a fucking huge commodity back then, apparently.
#5. Baby Juggling (aka Baby Yoga)
Don't you hate how your newborn infant just lays around, all immobile and way too easy to kill? Look at it. It's practically begging predators or a strong wind to put mild pressure on a few choice spots and turn your future meal ticket into just a meal.
"Got your nose! OH GOD IT'S COME RIGHT OFF."
According to baby yoga instructor Lena Fokina, the problem isn't that evolution has rendered us as helpless as a lump of used up Kleenex when we're born; it's that we're not hating our baby's weaknesses enough. You need to be teaching that infant mobility, freedom and independence, and also how to survive in a world filled with windmills, tornadoes and batshit yoga instructors.
Here's a video where you can learn exactly how stupid you've been, treating your infant like it's some kind of tiny bag of meat-glass. Warning: Don't watch this video. Just fucking don't.
Do you know how many times we had to watch this to get screenshots? A whole bunch.
Yes, that is a real baby, and no, swinging a newborn child around like a flaming lasso is not a good idea, no matter how wide your yoga gauchos are or how mystic the writing on your orange sweatpants looks. Yet somebody handed over their tiny, days-old babies to this horrible woman to swing, presumably because they couldn't face the shame of straight up killing their children themselves. And just so we're very, very clear, Lena Fokina isn't doing the playful swing-around we all loved as sturdy, not-just-born-and-totally-able-to-hold-our-necks-upright-children:
Originally used by the Vikings as a way to train for the hammer throw.
Not at all. She's single-handedly swinging those naked newborns by the ankle in what appears to be a rock garden. The only way this lady could make the situation more deadly would be if there were a Crips and Bloods gang war going on all around her. But even then, someone would probably rush that baby to safety before commencing with the killing. No one would remove Lena, though. She's fine where she is.
The baby was fine by the way. Us, not so much.
#4. Male Breast-Feeding
For years now, women have been jabbering about getting their equal share of things. Votes, jobs, sandwiches, syphilis ... nothing is left untouched by power-hungry feminists. So it's no surprise that men have started asking for their slices of traditional woman pie as well. Including providing sustenance to baby humans with their man teats.
The baby is clearly terrified of that shirt. So are we.
The Milk Men are a group of guys who say that with a little patience, men can make man milk come out of their boobies, or moobies. All the parts are there -- mammary tissue, milk ducts and the milk-producing hormones oxytocin and prolactin. All it takes to get started is a lack of humility and the willpower and diligence to get the milk flowing. A few minutes of letting a breast pump tug at your nipples doesn't hurt, either. If you're NOT AT WORK and DON'T CARE ABOUT YOUR EYES, you can watch the video below to get a little taste of what male nursing looks like:
We're not sure why there was a naked lady in a red tub, either, so don't ask.
Apparently, just the act of suckling triggers the hormones that make milk. In fact, there's one African tribe where it's the men who nurse the babies and the women who bring home the bacon, thereby earning the nickname "Best Dads in the World." Take that, Dr. Huxtable! You never even once nursed your children on your bosom! Never. Even. Once.
The best dad in the world. We're nauseous with pride.