#2. Battlestar Galactica's Cylons Are Robot Syphilis
In the 2004 version of Battlestar Galactica, the nearly obliterated human race is fighting the cylons, a race of artificial life forms that were once robots but who have become physically identical to humans. In fact they're so identical to humans that near the end of the show, four regular characters realized that they were cylons all along and never even knew it.
This is why you should always watch your lover's spine during intercourse.
It sounds like a pretty cool twist, except for the fact that it didn't really make a lot of sense: One of these characters had lived among humans for decades before the human-cylon war even started, for example. Another had fathered a perfectly normal child with his human wife, even though cylon/human babies were supposed to be a huge deal.
And yet no one gave a crap about that kid.
Given that it clearly made no sense that these characters were cylons from the beginning and that the series went on a yearlong hiatus immediately after dropping that bomb, the fans were left with nothing to do but comb through earlier episodes in search of an explanation. And they actually found one ...
The Awesome Fan Theory:
Cylons have a sexually transmitted disease.
Above: chrome space gonorrhea.
According to this theory, cylonism is a virus, and the method of transmission is sex. It actually makes perfect sense when you look at the series. During the course of the show, all four characters had either slept with cylons or slept with people who'd enjoyed some cylon lovin' themselves.
There's not a whole lot to do in space.
Basically, every single one of these characters can be traced back to a cylon ... through fucking: Chief Tyrol's ex turned out to be a cylon sleeper agent; Colonel Tigh's wife slept with a male cylon (and was later revealed to be a cyclon herself); Tory slept with Baltar, a man with a robot fetish so extreme he'd allowed a sexy cylon spy to destroy his home planet; and Anders was married to Starbuck, who also slept with Baltar and possibly with a cylon, too.
The show could have added an important message to its plot twist: when you're fighting a war against murderous machines who walk among you as humans, always use protection.
Or, you know, try not to sleep around so much, sexy people.
What We Got Instead:
As we've mentioned before, the complex storyline of Battlestar Galactica was completely made up on the fly... which is probably why the final episodes ended up giving us a series of half-assed explanations that made way less sense than the robo-syphilis theory.
Turns out the four human cylons were actually ancient immortal beings also called cylons who, through a series of implausible plot twists and coincidences, ended up marooned on Earth with false memories. Oh, and remember Chief Tyrol's half-cylon baby? He wasn't really his son, because his wife cheated on him with some guy and -- goddammit, what is it with these people?
Keep it in your microSD slots, kids.
#1. Star Wars: Obi-Wan Kenobi is OB-1, Clone Warrior
One of the most intriguing aspects of the original Star Wars trilogy was the brief mention of something called "The Clone Wars" -- in the first film, those three words alone are enough to change Luke's perception of Obi-Wan Kenobi from "cave-dwelling old creep" to "badass space warrior." The thing is, in those early movies they never actually told us what exactly the Clone Wars was, which somehow makes it sound even more epic: For over two decades, literally the only thing fans knew about it was that it involved clones and warring.
Plus more than two Jedi at a time, which automatically made it awesome.
Of all the wild theories fans came up with during those cold, lonely Star Wars-less decades, there's one that stands out ...
The Awesome Fan Theory:
The "clones" were artificially grown Jedi, and Obi-Wan was one of them -- thus the clone designation "OB-1."
Picture this: Millions of cloned Jedi Knights battling across planets and spaceships in a badass whirlwind of laser-force space death. A "star war," if you will. It makes sense: If you had to clone someone to create an army of warriors, a powerful Jedi would be the most logical choice.
And the most illogical would be these dudes.
According to this theory, the name Obi-Wan Kenobi is actually a transliteration of his serial number: OB-1, first in a line of star-warring space wizards. In the first movie, Obi-Wan uses the alias "Ben Kenobi," supposedly because he's hiding from the Empire, but that doesn't really make sense: Why would you keep the same last name if you didn't want to be found? This would explain where the alias came from: It was the name of the original Jedi he was cloned from (and therefore his "father").
Oh, and it closes a gigantic plot hole in the prequels: The reason the old man Obi-Wan doesn't seem to remember any of the events of the prequels (such as not remembering having ever seen the droids before, or that Darth Vader built Threepio) is that the old man is just a clone. Also, imagine the awesomeness of the surprise ending they could have included in Episode II, in which the future Darth Vader starts his march toward evil by pushing the original Obi-Wan Kenobi off of one of those high walkways they apparently design into every spaceship.
"Sure, it's a major security risk, but they just look so cool."
What We Got Instead:
In Episode II: Attack of the Clones, we find out that the Clone Wars was actually a war between some crappy robots and ... an army of Boba Fetts. The Jedi are sort of standing in between, and then they're all killed by the Boba Fetts. Yeah.
Oh yeah. These guys are way cooler than an endless apocalyptic horde of Jedi.
As for Obi-Wan, he forgot all about R2-D2 and C-3PO after spending three whole movies with them because ... you know what, at this point we don't even care.
We do care about our new Adventures in Jedi School mini-series, though.
For more crazy fan creations that are oddly awesome, check out 6 Insane Fan Theories That Actually Make Great Movies Better and The 5 Most Baffling Sex Scenes in the History of Fanfiction.
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