CRACKED ROUND-UP: Shocking Discovery Edition

It's been a dark week for Cracked. A recent earthquake exposed the lower levels of our office complex. We sent a team down to investigate, and they came back with boxes and boxes of ancient, yellowed records. The language was archaic, but as best we can tell it seems to be a complete history of Cracked magazine, dating back to its earliest days as an internal bulletin for the OSS. We're afraid of revealing too much, but we can confirm that those rumors about Hitler's lone testicle were 100% accurate.


Soren Bowie started his week with that unique brand of frustration that comes with trying to understand crazy people. Specifically those who see Jesus in every piece of overcooked food they find. Christina used her column to shed some light on the hidden insults of sports commenters, and Bucholz followed up with a guide to winning online arguments no matter what. Next, Brockway brought us badass mechs that made the jump from manga to metal and Brendan McGinley gave Outsourced the closest thing to a eulogy it deserved. Dan O'Brien was last, with four fashion tips for the person who is shunned from society and likes it that way.



SHITTY SEQUEL
6 Classic Movies You Didn't Know Were Remakes
See? Art has always been derivative schlock. Michael Bay is nothing new.


Notable Comment: "This article blew my mind. Also, I just found out Dawn of the Dead(2004) is a remake of Dawn of the Dead(1976)"

Good lord, SmackRacer. We didn't know they made people that young.



INSANE ARCHITECTURE
The 5 Craziest Buildings Ever Proposed With A Straight Face
Sometimes architects do drugs. Gigantic, bulging trashbags full of drugs.


Notable Comment: "How did you avoid the obvious boob jokes in the dome section. Too high brow nowadays Cracked?"

We're hella high brow these days, Joshyboy82. We've even got a gold-plated set of Encyclopedias in the office now. It's a 1972 set, but still.



NARROWLY AVOIDED
5 Superhero Movies You Won't Believe Almost Got Made
Let's make a commitment as a species, right now, to keep Jack Black the hell away from the Green Lantern.


Notable Comment:"I don't know why everyone rags on the last Matrix films. I thought they were good."

Crackcorn's comment is either a very obvious attempt at trolling, or a seriously depressing statement about the condition of our public schools.



FUZZY CHANGE
7 Animals That Are Evolving Right Before Our Eyes
If elephants don't want their tusks anymore, can they give them to us? We could really use something to store donuts on. Also: goring people who take the last cup of coffee without brewing a new pot.


Notable Comment:""Polar Bear KKK" - Keep the Arctic white."

Don't encourage their bigotry, MeekMan42.



POOR CHOICES
The 7 Most Ridiculous Cases of Misplaced Priorities
It's worth taking a bullet to preserve your reputation in Starcraft or keep ahold of those pictures you took of your junk last summer.


Notable Comment: "that was not very cool of you to make fun of pro gamers. there are plenty of of pro gamers in the starcraft 2 world that are celebrities. it talks about it in one your own articles...you close minded f**k. "you're barely even a person?" sorry but who gave you the right to decide who are people or not? i guess black people aren't people either cause they're different from you just like pro gamers are. rot in hell cracked."

We've got a feeling TaylorKitto is one of those guys who yells angrily at episodes of the Simpsons.



Cody Johnston
The Fast and The Furious For Kids!
This Time, Its Cars Again


YOU YOU YOU!
If Famous Products Advertised Their Unauthorized Uses
We're practically giving money away! Wait, not practically. Totally. We're totally giving away money to people, people with mediocre to decent Photoshop skills. People like you. Wouldn't you like to be a person like you? This week, you can be by entering our latest contests, If Movies Were More Realistic, If Public Service Announcements Were Honest and If Real Life Worked Like Role Playing Games.

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