#3. Grenade Launchers, Anti-Tank Weapons, Etc
With enough money or the right license, you can buy just about any weapon you've ever seen. Want to own a grenade launcher? Sure thing! As long as you're willing to fill out a ton of papers there's nothing to stop you from buying enough military hardware to overthrow a banana republic.
Or a GAP or Old Navy. Any mid-level clothier, really.
You can grab your very own M203 grenade launcher for under $3,000, though you'll need to go through a background check, register it through the ATF, jump through a few other bureaucratic hoops, and the necessary tax stamp will set you back $200 bucks. Then, you'll need to pay another $200 if you want to register a deadly grenade like this 40mm buckshot round.
This monster holds the equivalent of 27 rounds of 00 buckshot, and its steel pinballs of death launch out at 882 feet-per-second, creating a hailstorm of hot lead 98-feet wide and 98-feet high.
Aim is somewhat optional.
So, for about the same price as a fully-loaded 1993 Ford Festiva, you could also wield the power to obliterate a small village in the blink of an eye.
Just something to think about. Every night. In the dark.
Want to kick it old school? You can also legally own Vietnam-era M79 grenade launchers if you're willing to drop around eight grand. "Load your own ammo" kits are fairly cheap, although you'll need to register anything beyond a flare or flashbang round as a Destructive Device. If grenade launchers are too low-key for you, there's no reason you couldn't just go with a 60mm mortar instead.
This could be you, only with less careful military discipline and more drunken attempts to launch hedgehogs into the stratosphere.
As fun as high explosive weaponry is, it won't really do the trick if you need to, say, disable a heavily armored battle tank. And let's face it, you probably will (you aren't the only one reading this article, after all). It's only a matter of time before one of your dickhead neighbors gets a hold of his own personal tank, and now you've got a Soviet-made T72 blocking your goddamn driveway. Mortar rounds won't do much more than scratch the paint. But a 20mm anti-tank cannon?
You can legally own a Lahti L-39 for about the same price as a mid-sized sedan. Considering the fact that you can destroy 10 such cars with one magazine's worth of ammo, we're going to go ahead and declare the Lahti a bargain.
For hunting elephants. In up-armored Humvees.
Any time a new high hits the market it's liable to be banned within a few years in the name of keeping the children safe. Like say, for example, kids getting fucked up on cough syrup. Though it sounds doofy as hell, multiple deaths and dozens of overdoses have been attributed to "robotripping."
It's a real shame that such a horrible habit has soiled the potentially rad definition of robo-trippin'.
No less than three rappers have died as a result of cough syrup-related shenanigans. But to get really high off of cough syrup, it needs to have either codeine or dextromethorphan inside it. Since the former is a schedule II controlled substance, DXM is the best bet for kids looking to get fucked up over-the-counter. In the wake of the "cough syrup scare" a bunch of states have started restricting the sales of DXM-containing cough syrups to anyone under 18. Some even put a limit on how many bottles you can buy, regardless of age.
"I don't care how much plague you have, old man; it's two bottles a day!"
Of course, none of these restrictions extend to the lawless cultural demilitarized zone we call the Internet. $18.30 will buy you 1200 milligrams of pure DXM in 10 milligram capsules from the underground black market site known as Amazon.com. Erowid says that's enough to give four people pretty mind-melting trips, or for one person to spend the next day fighting off invisible floating 5s and journeying through the Land of Fractals.
"I'm freaking out, man!"
Now please, don't read the part where we said rappers do this stuff and fail to catch the part where we said they freaking died. Cough Syrup has other ingredients that are fatal in large doses, and side effects of DXM include sweating, nausea, stomach cramps and refusing to shut the hell up about the patterns in this gravel driveway, dude.
But seriously, if you look hard enough you'll see a picture of Scarlett Johansson riding a dinosaur in the nude.
#1. Cookbooks For Crime
The worst thing about drugs are easily the dealers: Pot, ecstasy and acid aren't really all that dangerous compared to alcohol and tobacco, but dealing with skeezy, paranoid and possibly-armed street psychos (or even just filthy dreadlocked hippies) carries some real risks.
Probably a good idea to limit your exposure to this.
You could end up in the middle of a drug bust, shot during a drive-by or forced to sit through the entirety of Loose Change while you wait for a guy named Free to "feel" if the dime-bag is ready to "take home." But good news, everyone!
Ecstasy and all those other bizarre research chemicals can be made relatively cheaply and quickly in your own home (though notice we did not say "safely" or "wisely.") As it turns out, raves, sybaritic drug orgies and Burning Man all owe their psychedelic fuel to one man: Alexander Shulgin. He's the scientist credited with popularizing MDMA (ecstasy) and was also the inventor (and first user) of over 230 other psychoactive chemicals. Without a doubt, Dr. Shulgin has consumed a wider variety of psychedelic drugs than any other human being on planet earth.
He's sort of our hero, is what we're saying.
Dr. Shulgin and his wife Ann authored two books, Phenethylamines I Have Known and Loved and Tryptamines I Have Known and Loved, otherwise known as PiHKAL and TiHKAL. These tomes contain detailed step-by-step instructions for making all the crazy research chemicals Shulgin discovered across his long and storied career, and each entry even comes complete with trip reports--so you know which man-rabbit you can expect to fight in six hours, and why!
This guy should be on our currency.
If you think this isn't serious stuff, listen to Richard Meyer, spokesman for the DEA in San Francisco, who had this to say about PiHKAL and TiHKAL:
"It is our opinion that those books are pretty much cookbooks on how to make illegal drugs. Agents tell me that in clandestine labs that they have raided, they have found copies of those books."
But who are we kidding? Attempting to mix your own drugs and largely untested research chemicals is reckless, irresponsible and downright dangerous. You're probably better off spending your money elsewhere, like, say, this extensive collection of guides to mixing your own explosives.
With a name like Uncle Fester, you know this man's advice absolutely will not cause you to blow your fucking hands off.
Don't forget to check out what else you can buy, in 7 Items You Won't Believe Are Actually Legal. Or learn about foods that can get you totally stoned, man, in 7 Common Foods That Can Actually Get You High.
And stop by Linkstorm to see your new tank in action.
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