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7 Common Foods That Can Actually Get You High

By Cyriaque Lamar
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EDITORS' DISCLAIMER: Cracked does not endorse eating the below foodstuffs for the express purpose of getting high, as the side effects are usually horrible enough to make you forget you were high in the first place. Thus the information in this article should only be used for scintillating chitchat at cocktail parties and around the office.

#7.
Rye Bread

Rye grain is occasionally infected with the ergot fungus. Ergot contains several psychoactive chemicals such as ergotamine, a compound used in the synthesis of LSD. So if some day your half-eaten sandwich suddenly sprouts a mouth and prophesizes doom for the human race, you'll know why.

The Downside

Ergot outbreaks are rare so eating a Reuben will most likely not turn you into Hunter S. Thompson at the Kentucky Derby. In the off chance that you're a crazed miller who really, really wants to get high on tainted grain, be forewarned that an ergot infection is roughly one part psychosis, two parts gangrenous sores.

But most modern farmers clean their rye in a potassium chloride solution to guard against, something medieval farmers never did. Thus, the inbred masses of yore lived unaware that their daily bread contained "holy fire," ye olde term for ergotism. And since entire villages often got their bread from the same miller, an outbreak could lead to an entire town full of hallucinating people, completely unaware that they and everyone around them was on the equivalent of bad acid (And if you think this sounds hilarious, stick around for the fun fact about the time it happened to a Puritan town in Massachusetts). Between the "holy fire" and your ancestors' tendency to binge drink in the absence of potable water, it's a miracle we got out of the Dark Ages.

Fun Fact

Modern historians blame ergotism for a slew of old-timey panics and superstitions, ranging from werewolves to the Salem Witch Trials. British author John Grigsby even speculates that the legend of Beowulf came from stoned Vikings who "inhaled the holy fire."

#6.
Nutmeg

Nutmeg, that piquant brown spice you sprinkle on egg nog, is chock full o' the organic compound myristicin. Eating four to eight teaspoons of ground nutmeg causes mild hallucinations, warmth in the limbs ...

The Downside

... dizziness, nausea, cottonmouth, paranoia, difficulty urinating and, the coup de grace, a hangover that feels like God taking a dump on your soul.

Some users compare the nutmeg "high" to a hellish case of the flu. To make things worse, nutmeg consumption is easily the most inconvenient way to get high--its effects kick in five to six hours after ingestion. That's like having to drink a six-pack at lunch in anticipation of happy hour.

Fun Fact

For those of you who who want to push your luck with nutmeg, don't worry. The FDA reportedly has no plans to raid your spice rack. Probably because they're assuming nobody is dumb enough to give it a go. Once you've crossed a certain threshold of stupidity where do you stop? You're going to have to start cracking down on spinning around in circles really fast and smelling your own burrito farts.

#5.
Sarpa Salpa

Also known as salema porgy or the sea bream, this fish is indigenous to the Eastern Atlantic and Mediterranean. Although the fish's flesh is safe to eat, psychoactive chemicals can accumulate in its head. Those who are brave or ethnic enough to consume this fish's head run the risk of ichthyoallyeinotoxism, a scientific term for "You just ate a fish head--welcome to 48 hours of mind-blowing hallucinations!"

The Downside

Before you go down to your local fishmonger and start decapitating every fish in sight, know a couple of things. First, the fish's head is rarely psychotropic--the sarma salpa's hallucinogenic powers come from a compound called indole, which is present in the plankton and algae it eats. If there isn't enough indole, then you'll just be that sober, fish-head-eating person you see at every kegger.

Furthermore, tripping on the Sarpa Salpa is a magical mystery tour through the seventh circle of hell. Crippling terror, unearthly howls, and visions of demonic animals are reputedly common. In 1994, one salpa-tripping man realized something was terribly awry when giant arthropods surrounded his car.


Not an actual photo of incident

Fun Fact

In 2006, medical journal Clinical Toxicology reported that ancient Romans knowingly hallucinated off of Sarpa Salpa heads. Presumably these bad fish trips inspired all that strange as hell Roman mythology, or at least the mass orgies.

#4.
Stilton Cheese

In 2005, a British Cheese Board study revealed that ingesting 20 grams of Stilton cheese could lead to wacky, nonsensical visions. The 75 percent of the male and 85 percent of the female participants reported seeing odd images such as vegetarian crocodiles and sentient toys not unlike Akira.

The Downside

Sadly, the UK Cheese Board's study was a sleep study, so the participant's wild visions were just dreams. Stilton's not much fun unless you're "that guy" who's passes out at parties. In addition, a serving of Stilton is high in saturated fat (25 percent RDA) and eating it can give you hobo breath.

Fun Fact

On the plus side, Stilton is high in the relaxant tryptophan, which facilitates a nightmare-free sleep. So basically eating a Stilton before bed is like tossing a coin that is one side Nyquil, the other a terrifying swirl of pale lizards and the Bride of Chucky. If you're feeling adventurous, eat a pound of it before bed every night and see what you get. Other than really fat, obviously.

#3.
Mulberries

Ingesting large amounts of unripe mulberries can cause moderate hallucinations. We at Cracked would totally call dibs on patenting an unripe mulberry jam called "Cosmic Confiture," but, well, you know this is going to end badly. This is Cracked, and it's our job to teach you about all the scary shit in God's creation.

The Downside

Your foremost reaction to unripe mulberries would be the urge to yak your guts out. Therefore, we can't recommend mulberries to anyone except that rare stoner demographic who take their bong hits with ipecac shots.

Fun Fact

Hey, did we forget that mulberries are also a potent laxative? Given all the shitting, vomiting and flightiness unripe mulberries induce, it's a wonder super models aren't addicted to them yet.

#2.
Poppy Seed Bagels

Yes, these are the seeds of the opium poppy, the very same flower that has fueled much of the world's drug trade through history. Thus poppy seeds contain minute amounts of the opium alkaloids morphine and codeine, which give your bagel a nutty zing and can cause you to fail a drug test (as demonstrated in a famous MythBusters episode).

And if you eat enough of them, you could get high (theoretically).

The Downside

Do you know how many damn bagels you'd have to cram down your gullet? We at Cracked don't have an exact figure, so let's put it this way: unless you're Kobayashi, you would die of bagel poisoning way before getting a decent buzz.

Fun Fact

Despite the remote danger of poppy bagel addiction, poppy seeds are banned in Saudi Arabia. Some types are also banned in Singapore. At some point they must have caught a junkie in his apartment with several hundred pounds of bagels, a butter knife, and a million dime bags to catch the seed scrapings.

#1.
Coffee

America's favorite legal stimulant is so prevalent that everyone forgets it's a drug. Our collective amnesia likely stems from the fact that a Starbucks tall coffee (12 oz.) contains 260 mg of caffeine, and caffeine intoxication kicks in at 250 mg. It's true, working citizens--we all go to work stoned! Medically stoned!

The Downside

Lest you think that you're a rebel for going to the office hopped up on java, know that you're still not as tough as the guy who steals copy paper. Severe, deleterious caffeine intoxication sets in at 500 mg, so you're going to have to slam a black venti with a Red Bull chaser to get properly wasted.

Once you've risen to coffee-high nirvana, you'll soon plummet to coffee-high hell. Symptoms of excessive caffeine usage include hallucinations, diarrhea, convulsions, vomiting and "confusion" (once that 12th latte has you convulsing, vomiting and shitting all over your local Starbucks, you're probably not going to be the only one who'll be suffering from confusion in the room).

Fun Fact

Voltaire drank approximately 50 to 70 cups of coffee a day for inspiration. This level of caffeine intake is not recommended unless you happen to be a French Enlightenment philosopher.

If you enjoyed that, check out our rundown of The 6 Most Terrifying Foods in the World. And if the above article has you thinking you'll stick to conventional drugs, be sure to first check out our PSA about Who's Really Keeping Kids Off Drugs. Or find out about the fresh new game the folks behind Guitar Hero are about to drop on the unprepared masses.


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128 Comments

The poppy seed thing doesn'y require much to get addicted to... My roomate and I became addicted to lemon and poopy seed muffins at varsity - I don't just mean eating them all the time - but going through serious withdrawl when I wasn't at varsity and my supply ran out! My cousin's wife also showed me how to make heroin out of poppy seeds - but I won't share that one with you!

Posted on 5/8/2008 4:51:52 AM

Don't ever ever ever ever ever ever try the nutmeg thing! I hate half a bottle with a doctor friend of mine before we remembered the half-life is like 5 days. That's five days of basically waiting to die. Oh god it was bad.

Posted on 5/7/2008 5:31:15 PM

Cannibal spiders creep and crawl. Boy and ghouls having a ball. Dracula, Frankenstein, even the Mummy... are sure to end up in someone's tummy!

Posted on 5/6/2008 5:35:43 AM

odd beats, scary animal scenes, things that go bump in the night that are alive and give you that excited feeling in your stomach like you've never had it before? COUNT ME IN!!!!!!!

Posted on 5/4/2008 12:48:30 AM

I can attest to the coffee one. I drank 18 shots of espresso once on a dare. I put a few ice cubes in it until it was cool enough and just chugged it. The result was really really really bad. I vomited for an hour, it seems and everything was in a confusing haze. I couldn't even walk.

Posted on 5/1/2008 12:30:11 PM

my buddy once smoked nutmeg...it is ill advised. first he didn't get high...just a severe cough for the better part of an hour. And the smell...good god. It smelled like someone set fire to a bag of shit and hair.

Posted on 4/30/2008 7:44:53 PM

The watermelon face smiled at me

Posted on 4/30/2008 3:19:46 PM

I wouldn't suggest it but a fermented orange will fuck your shit up if eaten peel and all. Man I really want some fish head.

Posted on 4/30/2008 7:30:46 AM

It isn't!?!

Posted on 4/30/2008 7:13:33 AM

Careful Sigma, some kids went to jail for manslaughter when they told some dumb kid that huffing antifreeze was a great high.

Posted on 4/30/2008 7:12:33 AM

Silverback, get a grip. Gemineye was just talking about the bagels in the picture. Nowhere did I see anything about Israel and which country has better Jews. In the pic the bagels look like poppy seed onion rings. They're teeny and skinny. Gem was just talking about their "real" bagels in Canada.

Posted on 4/30/2008 6:54:13 AM

Gemineye870530 -- Are Canadian Jews more Jewish than American Jews? Because I always thought that bagels were Jewish food, not really, "Canadian" or "Montreal" food... whatever the fuck that means. In any case, I don't see how being in Canada licenses you to having more authentic Jewish food than any other country, especially America, which supports Israel way more than you assholes ever did.

Posted on 4/29/2008 5:47:25 PM

i think you can also get high off farts: http://digitalfuntown.squarespace.com/dft-blog/2008/4/29/quest-for-the-golden-seal-ep-2.html

Posted on 4/29/2008 2:59:11 PM

I drank about six cups of coffe an a triple shot of espresso and i have been up for 34 hours

Posted on 4/29/2008 1:42:38 AM

Gosh, we're sorry Gemineye that we don't get "real bagels" like you get up there in Montreal; we chose, instead to have forgettable bagels and an actual country, rather than the reverse. Enjoy your bagel.

Posted on 4/28/2008 9:31:04 PM

I'd advise you to inject some air. Let us all know how it went :)

Posted on 4/28/2008 11:12:33 AM

ahahaha. I can't believe so many people have actually tried nutmeg. You're all a bunch of fucktards! You should try banana peels while you're at it! AHAHAHA!

Posted on 4/28/2008 9:26:49 AM

also i didn't notice this before and i hate to repeat what everyone has been saying but those "bagels" are a disgrace. I'm from canada and we get real montreal bagels. that pic is crap. i thought those were those bagel chips.

Posted on 4/28/2008 9:24:08 AM

mmm i want mushrooms

Posted on 4/28/2008 9:21:50 AM

I also had a 'not so fun time' as a child with nutmeg! mother made rice pudding, and i decided that it'needed more nutmeg'! at 3-4 years of age...EVERYTHING needs more of something! so i puked my stinkin guts up for hours, and was super dizzy.. and a bit messed up on top of that to say the least! This is the first story yet I've found that corroborates my experience. Very interesting!

Posted on 4/28/2008 8:28:04 AM

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