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With Jack O'Brien

Ever see a movie called Sliding Doors? It was made in the late 90s, and starred Gwyneth Paltrow. The point of the film was to show how much a single choice can affect the outcome of your life. The movie wasn't all that great (for example: Gwyneth Paltrow is in it) but the concept is pretty powerful. It's been explored more successfully in movies like Run Lola Run, and makes up about 75 percent of every Bill Simmons article at ESPN. "What if Portland picked Jordan over Bowie? What if Bill Walton wasn't a gimpy towel boy with saltine crackers for feet? What if David Tyree didn't catch that football on his helmet why did he catch it WHY GOD WHY OH GOD I HAVE CLIPPERS SEASON TICKETS SHOOT MY FACE WITH GUNS!!!!"

Well, we'll be exploiting the Sliding Doors premise to travel back in time like Dr. Sam Beckett (Long Live the Bakula!) to fix some of cinema's most notable blockbusters, satires, even erotic thrillers, by changing one simple choice.

5
Terminator 2: Set the film in 1999

When it was released in 1991, most people didn't realize that T2 was set in 1995, four years in the future. Cameron doesn't even give us a time stamp when Arnold and the T-1000 arrive naked in their respective desolate alleys and truck stops in Los Angeles.


Even if your clothes are made of the same material as your body, they still make you travel naked.

In fact the only evidence we have that the film is set in the 1995 is a brief flash of John Connor's police record. So why set your movie in the future and bury that fact where nobody (who isn't paid to do this shit for a living) will find it?


We deserve a raise.

Because Cameron knew what Terminator 2's problem was heading in: John Connor. Since the savior of humanity was conceived on screen in a movie set in 1984, he would only be 7 years-old in 1991. Cameron realized that audiences wanted to see a Terminator sequel starring a 7 year-old about as much as they wanted to see a Star Wars prequel starring a 7 year-old.


Seriously, eat a dick kid.

His strategy was a ballsy sleight of hand, setting the film in a 1995 that looked exactly like 1991, which is to say, the most accurate rendering of the future in cinematic history. But he didn't go far enough. He arbitrarily stopped in 1995, giving us a 10 year old John Connor who, upon repeated viewing, is so obnoxious that you spend most of the movie wanting to see him shot in the face, fate of humanity be damned.


"If someone comes on to you with an attitude you say 'eat me.'" - The Savior of Humanity

Now let's imagine Cameron had moved Judgement Day to the year 2000, and set the film in the waning days of the millennium. Instead of Bart Simpson we get a 15 year-old John Connor. Casting director Mali Finn never has to fish for a male lead at a Pasadena Boys and Girls club, Edward Furlong never turns into a walking cautionary tale of childhood stardom and, more importantly for our purposes, Cameron never shits up a damn near timeless Terminator with botched attempts at taking the pulse of early 90s youth culture. Instead he would have given us a John Connor who, like his best movie, is too far into the future to touch any cultural touchstones, but still wouldn't have been too distant to listen to a kick ass Guns N Roses song.

We can't say who Cameron would have cast had he set T2 four more years into the future, but some pretty intriguing actors were the right age in 1991. Christian Bale was 16 at the time, clearing him to play a post-pubescent John Connor in our hypothetical 1999 T2. If Newsies era Bale wasn't striking his fancy, Cameron always had the option of a 15-year-old Leonardo DiCaprio circa What's Eating Gilbert Grape?.

But no matter who was cast, he would have saved one of the best action movies of all time from feeling like an obnoxious Nerf commercial.


"Hasta la vista, rad dudes!"

4
True Romance and Natural Born Killers: Let the Writer Direct

Both films were solidly directed gut-punches. Mean-spirited romps written by a young, unproven Quentin Tarantino. True Romance ended up getting filtered through the sensibilities of Tony Scott, the man who brought us such subtle pieces of filmmaking as Top Gun. On Natural Born Killers, Stone twisted Tarantino's sweetly nihilistic story into an anti-media polemic (leading to an angry Tarantino slapping the shit out of one of the producers). Neither was an artistic failure. Great scripts become good-to-great movies.

But think about Tarantino's career if he'd directed two of his finest scripts to get optioned. At this point, it's pretty obvious that Tarantino doesn't even make Tarantino movies anymore; he makes Tarantino flavored mash-ups of other people's films. He's a DJ, not a director--grabbing an influence here, a camera trick there, a swatch of film-score, a swoop of a crane shot. Like the Bomb Squad built Public Enemy out of 30,000 records, some tape and razor blades, Quentin Tarantino builds cinematic experiences out of his vast knowledge of pop culture.

But what if he squeezed two more films into his early era, with the same vibrancy and vision of Pulp Fiction and Reservoir Dogs? You think geeks already deify his balding ass now? Imagine a world where the Academy can't ignore Pulp Fiction for Best Picture because Tarantino's True Romance and Natural Born Killers had already cemented his ascension to Scorsese-level auteur. As a bonus, Tony Scott doesn't spiral out into his career of incoherent, try-too-hard ADD action-fests after Quentin spoils him, and Oliver Stone maybe doesn't fall in love with his own psychotically edited navel-gazing bullshit for about a decade and a half. Maybe.

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3
Unbreakable: The "twist" is moved to the middle of the film

OK, so Shyamalan has had an infuriating career. But the premise of his second film was pretty damned fantastic: Bruce Willis is Superman, but he doesn't know it. Samuel L. Jackson DOES know it, and in this flick, the L stands for "Luthor." The one and only thing keeping this from being a classic was that M. Night Shyamalan was being called a next-generation Spielberg, poised to stomp all over Hollywood. Unfortunately, this put his head six-miles up his own ass regarding his storytelling skills: He'd stumbled onto the gritty superhero movie ten years before Chrstopher Nolan, but he was too blinded by the hype surrounding The Sixth Sense's twist ending to do anything with it. Unbreakable spends most of it's time and energy hiding Willis's super powers from him, back loading all the bad ass potential of the idea into a twist ending.

If Shyamalan had realized what he had and said, "Fuck it, I'm moving the reveal to the middle," he not only keeps himself from falling into the "Twist Ending AT ALL COSTS" trap that hobbled his career harder than Annie Wilkes, but he gives himself an hour to go apeshit in the superhero playground. He gets to beat Christopher Nolan to the Dark Knight by almost a full decade. We don't have to wait until his career is in the shitter, adapting Nickelodeon cartoons, to see him get his action movie rocks off.

The sequels he had planned for Unbreakable actually get made after the film clears 300 million at the box office, sparing us shit like The Village and Ron Howard's Daughter Is Stuck In My Pool: The Movie. And best of all, with the reveal moved back an hour, you get to cut almost every excruciatingly, agonizingly boring scene where Willis and Robin Wright and Not-Haley Joel Osment stare at each other in a shitty, dingy apartment like they were told to pretend they were in a Death Cab video and not a motherfucking superhero movie.

2
THE DEVIL'S ADVOCATE: Cast anyone other than Keanu Reeves.

Keanu Reeves isn't a bad actor, really. He's more like a tool that a director has to use very specifically. If you need a blank--someone the audience can easily project themselves onto--you get Keanu and you have him goggle wide-eyed at fantastic things while more "Whoas" fall out of his head than an epileptic Joey Lawrence.


For some reason when Google Image searching for
Joey Lawrence, it only returns pictures of Lex Luthor

Director Taylor Hackford made the same mistake Francis Coppola made in Dracula, expecting Reeves to stand in the same room as an acting powerhouse (Pacino in Advocate, Gary Oldman in Dracula) and not get blown away like a cotton ball tossed in front of a jet engine. To be fair, Advocate was built almost solely for that last 20 minutes in which Pacino eats every last inch of the set and shits Oscars. That scene was preceded by 80 minutes of movie where an actor with dimensions beside balsa would have enriched the film overall.

Actors such as Brad Pitt, John Cusack and Edward Norton were all considered for the role of Kevin Lomax. Any one of them could have played the conflicted, morally tortured lawyer more convincingly, and definitely could have managed something remotely resembling a Southern accent better than Reeves did. How hard is it to pull off a Southern accent? You huff paint, shoot some rotgut bathtub whiskey and ask yourself what a Larry the Cable Guy fan would sound like. Jean Claude Van Damme could do a better Southern accent, and he can't even talk.

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1
Eyes Wide Shut: Replace the real life celebrity couple at the center of the film

IMDB explains the casting of Kubrick's least regarded film thusly: "According to writer Frederic Raphael, the final form of Bill's family name (Harford, as opposed to Scheuer in the original story) was inspired by a debate about Bill's character. Raphael felt Bill should be Jewish as in the original, but Stanley Kubrick insisted Bill and Alice be "vanilla" Americans, without any details that would arouse any presumptions. Kubrick said that Bill should be a bit like Harrison Ford - hence the name Harford."


Why if it isn't Joe Everyman himself.

Kubrick made the unfortunate decision to stunt-cast Tom Cruise and his wife Nicole Kidman, well before anyone realized what a horrific idea that was. Of course, the couple weren't so much "vanilla" as they were way more uncomfortable around one another than any married couple should be. According to the actor R Lee Ermey, Kubrick regarded the film as a "piece of shit" and claimed that Cruise and Kidman "had their way with me."

The film wasn't as bad a Kubrick feared, but his concerns do raise the question: Why not go after the guy you're patterning the character after?


Pictured: Vanilla.

You get a better actor who maybe, invigorated after working with Kubrick, doesn't turn into a perpetually stoned stroke victim. Ford probably then ends up taking the role in Traffic, instead of abandoning it to Michael Douglas, and wins himself an Oscar. Any possible future where we're spared Hollywood Homicide is a future worth pursuing. And Eyes Wide Shut? Han Solo fumbles with his junk at an orgy. Indiana Jones awkwardly hits on a 15-year-old Lelee Sobieski. Jack Ryan starts licking his wife while checking himself out in a mirror. It would have been Harrison Ford as you've never wanted to see him. The most squirmingly uncomfortable thing Kubrick ever put on film, just like he wanted but for all the right reasons.

Find out about some other movies that could've been improved upon, in 6 Insane Fan Theories That Actually Make Great Movies Better and 5 Awesome Movies Ruined By Last-Minute Changes.

Check out some more from Fatboy. because you need to stay inside. Your genitals will freeze out there.

And check out some ridiculously awful ice skating outfits from our friends at the Huffington Post.

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