7 (Thankfully) Extinct Giant Versions of Modern Animals

#3.
Josephoartigasia monesi, The Giant Rodent

Josephoartigasia monesi, the largest rodent ever discovered, was roughly the size of a hippopotamus and every bit as adorable. These beasts were five-feet high, 10-feet long and likely weighed over a ton--large enough to have towed Cinderella to her prom without any of that "bibbidy-bobbidy" bullshit.


"Fuck this noise. Somebody get that giant rat on the phone."

Their mouths packed incisors that were over a foot long, and though their diet was most likely vegetarian, teeth that size could easily deliver a bite worse than Christian Slater in a nightclub.

Why it's a Good Thing They're Dead:

Rodents are fairly irritating pests as it is, so imagine the damage one the size of a pygmy elephant could do to the community. The amount of vegetation (and cheese) necessary to sustain a monsei for just one day would probably be more than an entire family of people eat in a week, and considering the rate at which rats reproduce, thinning out the ranks of a whole oversized colony would become part of your daily routine just to keep from starving to death.


How you would be spending your mornings.

#2.
Carcharodon/Carcharocles megalodon, The Giant Shark

The largest fish in the ocean today (that we know about) is the whale shark, and while the name is certainly impressive, the animal itself is more like the Fat Albert of the sea, benevolently swimming along and wrecking havoc on precisely nothing it encounters.


Except for red cardigan sweaters.

Much more impressive was Carcharodon megalodon, the largest fish in history and the star of more made-for-cable movies than Lorenzo Lamas and Casper Van Dien combined. At 70-feet long, this magnificent bastard was more than three times the size of an average great white shark and large enough to swallow an average sedan.

Why it's a Good Thing They're Dead:

We shouldn't really have to explain this. Between great whites, moray eels and 160-foot long Voltron-jellyfish already in the ocean, it's scary enough to go swimming without a beast from the Old Testament sniffing around for your blood.


However, we must admit that this rocks tits into absolute dust.

#1.
Titanoboa cerrejonensis, The Giant Snake

The largest anaconda on record stretches a considerable 27-feet at its proudest moments.


This was one of those moments.

However, its ancestor Titanoboa cerrejonensis (yes, it is actually called the Titanoboa) grew to lengths anywhere between 40- and 50-feet, weighed in at two and a half thousand pounds, and could probably crush you to death with a harsh glance. Without dispute, it is the most ass-blastingly enormous snake that has ever existed.


Check your ass, because it has likely just been blasted.

The Titanoboa lived about 60 million years ago and actually survived the extinction event that killed all the dinosaurs, effectively curling up its tail and smacking natural selection directly in the testicles, staving off death for several more millennia.

Why it's a Good Thing They're Dead:

Despite the unmitigated supervillain awesomeness of its name, the Titanboa could probably eat the entire student body of an elementary school in an afternoon, which could be seriously damaging to the future of the fast food industry. On the plus side, the careers of Casper Van Dien and Lorenzo Lamas would create enough tax revenue to end world hunger.


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