6 Soldiers Who Survived Shit That Would Kill a Terminator
#3.
Gotz von Berlichingen aka Gotz of the Iron Hand
Who?
An Imperial Knight of Germany during the 16th century, before going solo and forming his own band of mercenaries.
Devastating Wound(s):
After four years of successfully playing soldier for hire, shit got real when at the siege of Landshut, cannon fire forced Gotz's own sword against his right hand, taking it and some of his arm off. Holy shit, wouldn't it be awesome if he did like that Marcus Sergius guy and built a new hand out of metal?!
Hell yes!
The Awesomeness That Followed:
Guess what? He did build a new hand out of metal!
If we could have done this whole list on Guys Who Lost Their Hands and Then Made Metal Ones and Then Killed People With Them, we would have done that. Then we would have shut down the site and declared mission accomplished.
It should be noted that Berlichingen, aided by centuries of innovation, was able to do way more with his metal hand than hold a shield. The fingers could be adjusted and moved to hold both small and large objects--anything from a playing card to, more importantly, a sword. Plus, like any good steel hand, it was excellent for knocking people senseless and fulfilling any robot handjob fantasies that a person may have. (**Editors note: robot handjob fantasies were all but nonexistent in the 16th century, please remove this sentence before publishing.**) The hand was hundreds of years ahead of its time, and became the basis for much of modern prosthetics.
With his new steel hand in place, Gotz went on a decades-long ass-kicking bender. For at least 20 years, the iron handed maniac fought for the highest bidders, ransomed people and even robbed merchants when he had spare time for shits and giggles.
Detailed in this biographical album.
Using his ill gotten gains, Gotz eventually bought a castle known as the Hornberg which, for the most part, still stands today. Never really considering himself the retirement type, Gotz was still in the warring business in his 60s, giving new meaning to the famous phrase "If you have a huge steel hand, you can whoop ass well into your 60s."
#2.
Jan Baalsrud Survives the Nazis, the Cold and Self Surgery
Who?
An instrument maker turned commando during WWII.
Devastating Wound(s):
In 1943, Jan Baalsrud and some fellow commandos went to Norway on the very specific mission of destroying an air traffic control tower with a fishing boat. Fearing that a fishing boat alone may not be sufficient, they also filled it to the tits with explosives.
You knew this was coming.
Unfortunately, the Germans caught wind of Operation Fishing Boat Bang Bang Explody Pow and were lying in wait. Jan and the others, seeing how fucked they were, lit the fuse on the explosives and tried to escape in a smaller boat; a plan which resulted in them having exactly zero remaining boats (approximately one less than the recommended amount for seafaring adventures).
Jan and his buddies were now in freezing waters and being shot to pieces. They all swam for the coast, but only Jan got away. Because his luck hadn't been shitty enough up to this point, he was immediately shot in the foot upon reaching land. Caught between freezing to death and bleeding to death, Jan also had the Germans behind him. Capture seemed imminent and, quite frankly, preferable.
An otherwise perfect vacation destination ruined by Nazis.
The Awesomeness That Followed:
Recalling the adventurous spirit that had given him the nerve to stuff a fishing boat full of explosives, Jan drew his pistol. When the Germans came within sight, he fired, killing a Gestapo officer leading the chase. Down a boot, shot in the foot, hypothermic and bleeding, he set off on a dead sprint for Sweden (so to speak).
After finding food and temporary shelter from friendly locals, Jan decided to have a gander at his hideous feet. Surprisingly, things didn't look too bad, other than whatever he saw that caused him to slice his own foot open to drain excess blood in a completely ridiculous attempt to stave off infection. Shockingly, carving up his skin with a dirty piece of steel didn't help much.
Surprisingly, this is not the same as a sterilized scalpel.
Sometime later during his escape, Jan had to hide from patrols with what was basically a snow fort for shelter. There he had 18 goddamn frigid days to consider the popsicles his feet had become. At some point, possibly out of sheer boredom, he made the fateful decision to operate with his pocket knife again. This time, however, he started cutting off toes, taking off every digit save one.
Miraculously, this second pocket knife surgery ended up stopping the gangrene threatening to consume Jan's feet, effectively saving them and maybe his life and Jan eventually made it back to Norway. For his self amputation filled efforts, Norway awarded him the St. Olav's Medal, the SIXTH highest honor a Norwegian can receive. Sixth! Real fucking nice.
#1.
Alexey Maresyev Kicks Ass (Without Legs)
Who?
A Russian fighter pilot during WWII.
Devastating Wound(s):
In 1942, while flying his Polikarpov I-16 over Staraya, which was rife with Nazis at the time, Alexey was shot down. The blast and crash fell short of killing the Russian ace, but he was severely wounded and still in enemy territory. His legs in particular had been badly mangled, which all but eliminated the possibility of a Hollywood-like slow motion walk away from the impending explosions and danger.
Even a flailing girly panic sprint was impossible.
The Awesomeness That Followed:
You know that story grandpa used to tell you about how he would four miles through two-feet of snow everyday just so he could get to school? Well, your grandpa was a worthless pussy compared to Alexey Maresyev. After being shot down, Maresyev crawled through snow, with little food and Nazis around every corner... for 18 fucking days and nights.
Crawled! Suck it, grandpa! The pain was so severe that Alexey frequently passed out, only to awaken, grab death by the throat and shake it while laughing maniacally, and start crawling again.
Experts call this a Crazy Level Busey.
Eventually, he made it back to friendly turf, only to have doctors chop off his legs below the knees. The wounds had festered during his 18-day crawl and had to come off to save his life. We're assuming that, if he had known this in advance, he probably would have just torn them off himself using nothing more than his bare hands.
At this point, anyone would've called it a day, confident that two limbs is just about enough to give in service to their country. Alexey, on the other hand, was having no part of this girlish suggestion.
After recovering somewhat, he got to work figuring how to get around on crutches and fake legs with the intent of getting back into a plane. In order to prove he was capable, among other things, Alexey even danced for the certification commission sent to judge whether or not he was fit to return to battle.
This almost happened.
Realizing that he was both capable of flying a plane and almost certainly insane, they let him fly again and he was back in the air by 1943. In August of the same year, he shot down three German fighters in a dogfight. He went on to fly 86 combat missions and, by the end of his Nazi killing days, had taken out no less than 11 enemy warplanes. For his trouble, Alexey received the Golden Star of the Hero of the Soviet Union, the highest and longest named award that any Russian person could ever hope to get.
Naturally, Maresyev's exploits made him a national hero in his native Russia, but far be it from him to accept the acclaim. "There is nothing extraordinary in what I did. The fact that I've been turned into a legend irritates me," he once said. To drive this sentiment home, he made it a point to die just moments before a national celebration commemorating his 85th birthday.
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Did anyone else have a horrible mental image at the one country in number five? Placentia?
ReplyThey need to make a movie about all these guy. "Badasses in history" each 1/2 hour segment is about one of them.
ReplyYep... Russians during WW2, you just can't get more badass than that.
ReplyYou can try, but you will fail. Russian history is made out of badassery.
The Chief is Russian. So am I. But I am also part German, and Irish. As to be expected, my blood alcohol level is all of it.
I assumed Lachimunn's third testicle sprouted an arm to grab the third grenade. He must have been too busy clubbing the Japanese with his penis and imseminating their mothers eh?!
ReplyI can't help but notice that Roy P. Benavidez is absent from every heroic soldier list. He deserves to be, look him up. He's a hero to us here in South Texas. I promise, you'll want to ad him once you here his story. A GI Joe was even made in his likeness.
Replywas it the sailor one? Cuz I've heard only 2 things come from Texas
"Operation Fishing Boat Bang Bang Explody Pow" = hahahahahahahhahahahahahaha
ReplyI lobe reading the comments as much as I love reading the articles. Thank you posters for making me smile.
ReplyWe lobe you too.
A few things to add to the Major Cain story.
ReplyFor those who don't know the PIAT (Projectile, Infantry, Anti Tank) was spring loaded, like a kid's foam dart gun. This had the advantage over the bazooka that you could load it laying down and lack of back blast meant you could use it indoors without frying yourself. The disadvantage is that you had to put your feet in 'stirrups', and pull on a big-arse handle to c**k the damn thing - like some sort of exercise machine. Short arses had to lay down - they weren't tall enough to c**k it standing. Wiki quotes the official performance. Effective range 115 yards (110 m) Maximum range 350 yards (320 m). Men who used it will tell you 50 at the outside - it had a kick like a mule, and you couldn't trust the trajectory.
A further problem was that ammo was running low, and Cain ran out of bombs. So he improvised. He took a mortar, and braced it against a wall, firing it direct at a tank.
After the war he worked for the Shell oil company, and died in 1974. When clearing out his possessions his family found his VC in a desk draw - he hadn't thought it important enough to tell them that he was a war hero.
that's bloody brilliant
PIATs were total shit, according to Jeremy Clarkson. Clarkson is a journalist and Cain's son-in-law who presented a documentary about VC recipients. Cain never mentioned the experience to his family because who the hell would want to relive the time when almost all your best friends were massacred by the enemy before your eyes?
Isn't that a punisher's picture?
ReplyIndeed. And an awesome one at that. I've never seen it before now but you can tell by the smoke cloud in the distance.
What? No Army of Darkness reference?
ReplyThis is one of the only times on Cracked where I feel number one really deserves to be number one.
Reply"You know that story grandpa used to tell you about how he would four miles through two-feet of snow"
Replyyou missed the word "walk:
Well I'm sure the writer is anxiously waiting to see if any internet losers pick up on possible grammar mistakes he made.
I didn't even notice that word was missing
A "Gurkha knife" is called a khukri.
ReplyIt actually shouldn't be so surprising that Roman soldiers were able survive some incredibly traumatic battlefield injuries. The Romans had much much more than leaches and piss. In fact the entire model of modern battlefield medicine is based off of the Roman ideas of "immediacy" and "triage". Roman doctors did have effective pain medication and understood the need for sterile instruments, of which some were fairly advanced, and the human circulatory system. Then came the so called "Dark Ages" where humanity basically decided to screw all this amazing science and technology and harvest mud. Just imagine if the knowledge of the Romans continued to advance. We would be several centuries ahead of where we are now. Just think..what if iPads where 200 yrs old? Even more reason to hate the f*****g French (Gauls).
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesAs their name suggests, the French are descendants of the Franks, not Gauls ;)
If Asterix has taught me anything, it's that the Gauls look nothing like the French.
uh... you do know that Gaul had actually been conquered by Cesar, right? so, since Gauls became Gallo-Romans, they had nothing to do with the fall of Rome...
and Asterix is supposed to be a whole caricature of french people. If you mean that the French are cowards who surrender easily comparing to Asterix and his friends, remind that Gauls also surrendered, Asterix' village being a pocket of resistance (plus, they actually cheat by drinking drugs in the comics ...)
Marcus Sergius: Taking the phrase "Rule with an iron fist" to a whole new awesome level.
ReplyIn America, they'll be Medal of Honor recipients!!
ReplyIn Soviet Russia, car drives you!!
I liked that Punisher Comic Book. Born
Replycould've mentioned Lachiman Gurung was 4'11
ReplyThe popular anime and manga Berserk has a lead character similar to Götz von Berlichingen. The character, Guts, is a mercenary and aside from sharing a similar name, also has a prosthetic mechanical arm. The Manga author however claims to not of heard of the actual historical figure until many volumes in.
ReplyGiven that Guts' name in Japanese is pronounced "Gattsu"(Gots) I call bullshit on his claim.
I wonder if Jesus was an appropriate candidate for this article.
Reply Hide All See All 6 RepliesWell, seeing as how he died from his injuries, no.
Plus we can't really confirm anything about what he actually went through (or if he existed), so that throws a wrench into things.
llewgnolm wrote, "I wonder if a pacifist who never killed anyone was an appropriate candidate for an article about soldiers killing enemies when they should have died."
um, yeah.
Some people seem to do nothing but think about Jesus.
@Malacro the same thing that you said can be applied to Marcus Sergius, can we truly confirm what he went through?
@palaweno22 If so, can you really know ANY of this happened. No, you can only assume what you have read is true.
Jesus loves you but everyone else thinks you're an arsehole