7 People Who Cheated Death (Then Kicked It In The Balls)
We all like to think of ourselves as badasses. But what would you really do if faced with death? How would you react to being dropped out of a plane without a parachute, or buried alive? After crapping your pants, that is.
Well these people survived all of that and more, slapping Death in the face and telling it to go make them a sandwich.
#7.
Vesna Vulovic 1, Mountain 0
Who was she?
Vesna Vulovic was a stewardess back in the '70s working on a Serbian airline.
How She Stared Down Death:
Except for surviving countless ass gropings during her time as a stewardess there was really nothing special about this lady. Oh yeah, except for the fact that she fell 33,000 fucking feet and lived to tell the tale.
On January 26, 1972 our gal was working an extra shift due to a clerical error. She took the shift anyway to earn a little extra scratch, probably to supplement her bear-wrestling hobby or something. Anyway, some terrorists decided to blow up her plane and succeeded in doing so at the worst possible time, when the plane was really high up in the air.
Like this, only six miles in the air
Not only did she survive the explosion that blew the plane into pieces, but she was the only person to live after hitting the side of the mountain. Normally this would totally suck by itself, but it was winter so the mountain was also frozen which probably made it feel like she hit it after falling 33,000 and 10 feet.
Now because we're talking about reality and not a cartoon, she did in fact break a bunch of bones and fell into a coma, but when she woke up she looked around and asked for a cigarette. Apparently flipping Death the bird really gives you cravings.
Not convinced? Did we tell you she was left paralyzed ... but then regained her ability to walk through sheer force of will and balls-out effort? She also didn't suffer any of those New Age, sissy boy "psychological effects" either and continued to fly like nothing happened. As a bonus she collected a Guinness World Record for her troubles.
Want to see if you're as tough? No problem all you have to do is jump off the equivalent of 26 Empire State Buildings.
In case you're wondering, a fall like that takes about three minutes, which should be plenty of time to contemplate death (and every single bad decision you've made in your life) and after that, don't forget to live, break your back, fall into a coma, become paralyzed and then recover, which we figure is the hard part.
#6.
Aron Ralston Hacks Off His Own Fucking Arm
Who was he?
A mechanical engineer at Intel. You know those engineers are renowned for being tough guys.
How He Stared Down Death:
No biggie, all he did was take a hike in the woods and came out five days later, missing an arm, which he had to cut off himself.
Seems Aron was big on mountain climbing, which by itself is pretty manly, but not enough to get him on this list. Except during this particular hike a boulder fell on him, pinning his arm. For five days he worked to push the rock off and finally realized he would die unless he took drastic action.
Because the prospect of cutting off your arm may not impress some of you hardcore readers, we need to point out that he first had to break his arm by snapping it against the same rock pinning him down. Then came the hard part, cutting through the flesh.
Lucky for Aron he had a multi-use tool. Unluckily for Aron it was a piece of crap knock-off that he probably got from an aunt at Christmas. Plus saying that he was lucky to have the tool to cut through his arm is kind of like saying you're lucky to have Chapstick on your lips while your head is on fire.
Death wasn't about to give up easily though, and after cutting through the flesh, Aron had to use the pliers to cut through the tendons that the knife couldn't cut. If you feel like the details presented thus far aren't quite gruesome enough, here's a nice interview where Ralston describes how the flesh on his arm already started to rot into mush by the time he got free:
Finally he freed himself, gave Death one last manly smile and found some help. He ended up losing the arm but had it replaced by a bitching climbing ax, accomplishing in one step what we hope evolution does for the rest of us over the next few million years.
#5.
Jim Thompson POW and Legendary Badass
Who was he?
Jim was just a store clerk, until he decided he could probably impress more girls by telling them he was a Green Beret, which he became.
How He Stared Down Death:
During the Vietnam War, Jim was captured and held as a prisoner of war, at which time he was beaten and tortured. The time we're speaking of by the way was a period of nine years, giving him a pretty bittersweet record for being held as a POW.
His plane was shot down in 1964, with Jim taking a bullet and breaking his back in the process. Surviving that part would have been enough of a harrowing story for most people to tell for the rest of their lives. But it was a long way from over for Jim.
After being captured, Jim was held in a jungle camp and jammed into a wooden cage too small for him to sit up or fully stretch out. For months his captors wanted him to sign papers saying that he was treated well. Jim told them to fuck off and in return was beaten and tortured some more. At some point, probably because his voice was sore from telling them to fuck themselves, he finally signed.
Actual photo (of Christopher Walken)
As a reward, he was moved into solitary confinement for four years. He was finally moved into a prison with other prisoners which was great, except that the beatings and torture continued, which pretty much blew. At one point during his captivity, he became so weak that he suffered a heart seizure. Realizing he needed his heart to live, Jim survived that scare and even managed to escape five times.
The time took its toll on Jim though and it looked like Death would win this one. Another prisoner who saw Jim reported that he thought the enemy had placed a corpse in the cell next door. However, Death forgot the fact the Jim was a Green Beret and he held on until he was finally released in 1973. He weighed 90 pounds.
Thompson unfortunately succumbed to death shortly after his release. And by "shortly" we mean 30 years later, of natural causes, in Florida.
#4.
Poon Lim, Cast Away
Who was he?
He was steward on a British ship during World War II, with an unfortunate first name, at least by Western standards.
How He Stared Down Death:
The ship he was working on was blown up by the Germans. Being total assholes, the Germans did this while the ship was far away from land. Surviving the explosion was no biggie for Poon, but it forced him to climb into a life raft and hang out until he was rescued ... 133 fucking days later.
At first there was water in the raft and a few boxes of biscuits. But these ran out quickly and Poon had to get all MacGyver and make himself some fish hooks out of nails and tin cans to catch fish to survive.
Between doing awesome stuff like catching sharks and drinking the blood of birds he caught, he also had to deal with sunburn, seasickness and storms that wrecked his food and water supplies. Eventually he figured he needed to catch more food. For us that would mean more fish. For Poon it meant catching a fucking shark. For Death it meant Poon was not going down easy.
Toothy death or lunch? Depends on who you are.
He could have been rescued sooner but another German U-boat that spotted him offered no help. It was at this point that Poon began to suspect that the Nazis were dicks.
He finally sailed near Brazil and was rescued by some fishermen, and these days the US Navy teaches his survival techniques to its sailors.
Next time you feel like complaining about how small your apartment is, just imagine living for four months on one of these:
Canada, which is like the US, but with better beer and fewer guns.
ReplyYES.
The thing that irritates me about the Aron guy, he gets a movie made about him for being stupid. As someone who grew up swimming in shark-infested waters (17 foot great white sharks) and who has done some rock-climbing, I understand that there are certain hobbies that you never do alone. Its not even an unspoken rule. Anyone who engages in these hobbies will tell you this in case you need someone to swim your bleeding ass back to shore or if, say, a rock falls on you and traps your hand. In my hometown, if you get bit by a shark (like the one in Jaws, only a little smaller, but still bigger than a grizzly bear) you don't get bragging rights for surviving. You shrug it off and say "Good thing I wasn't surfing alone."
ReplyTo be fair, the movie actually does talk about that; it acknowledges that his stupidity is ultimately what got him stuck there. Namely, the "not telling anybody where you're going by yourself" bit.
you forgot to say that poon lim was so awesome, that he didn't even held a grudge againt the americans, who passed him but left because he was chinese, and moved to the USA dying in brooklyn, AWESOME GUY
Replyor a timelord
Reply#1 was very touching. What a brave little girl. :)
ReplyAnother crazy survival story is this one where I believe a girl around age 2 or 3 had her face practically ripped off by a pissed off dog.
"It was at this point that Poon began to suspect that the Nazis were dicks"
ReplyOMG my side is still hurting from the laughter.
Unrelated: Pretty sure the reason bears don't eat dead animals is because dead animals tend to have decayed by the time they find them, and eating even slightly decayed flesh is pretty bad. Especially when you aren't cooking it first.
ReplyI'm surprised they didn't include Louis Zamperini, who managed to combine a massive plane wreck, 47 days in a shot up raft surrounded by sharks, and a lengthy imprisonment/torture/starvation period in multiple POW camps
Replyor that guy who killed a grizzly bear with his bare hands
Jebediah Springfield?
No 1 was a real downer.
ReplyHow did the Japanese guy who survived BOTH nukes and then lived to be 90 something not make this list?!
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesBecause he wapanese
f*****g awesome, please link
His name was Tsutomu Yamaguchi. I don't think we can post links here, but there's a Wikipedia article on him. Very interesting.
looked up Alexis Goggins on google. shes awsome. that ex-boyfriends a dick. in unrelated news crackeds article showed up 7th on the list
ReplyThey seem to have forgoten the romanian guy, (at least i think he's romanian) who was in a bus when it went off the side of a bride, then a couple of years later he was in a train when it went off the rails and went into a river, and 5 years after that while he was on a plane, he was sucked out of the back, landed on a bail of hay, and watched the plane explode. And if that wasn't enough when he was like 60 years old he won the lottery
ReplyGypsy witchcraft I tells ya!
"when it went off the side of a bride"
Bride: AAHHHH THE PAIIINNN
What's with comparing bravery to a trait that only men can have? If little Alexis could survive a horrific incident like that, it doesn't make her 'more man than we'll ever be', it makes her a courageous little girl..
ReplyYou're just buttmad because you know you're less of a man than she is.
His username points to that fact.
Alexis Goggins, you are my f*****g hero.
ReplyIs that the Deer Hunter?
ReplyHey, does anyone know the name of the movie that Christopher Walken is in (photo above #5). Thanx in advance. :)
ReplyDeer hunter meng.
I disagree orthag. Childhood is the "baking" stage so to speak. This is when children really are little sponges, absorbing everything. This is what models them and determines who they will be, the experiences they encounter that is. If children really were so resilliant and "springy" as U say and can survive traumatic events why is it that so many adults who have severe psychological and emotional problems and instabilites often go on to explain how they were victims of something very very traumatizing be it sexual or physical abuse just to name a few. Often children who suffered from this go on to develope all sorts of either, personality issues,or, go on to become offenders themselves blah blah blah. It affected them so deeply and as adults now, they are so very very messed up. It severly crippled their developmental stages. When they were children, they did not "spring" back as U put it. Now, Im not saying that "all" will turn out messed up, but a very very very high majority.Children just flat out dont have the coping mechanisms as adults do. Sure, children will spring back after falling off a bike or scraping their knee's, but thats not exactly what we are talking about here. I guarantee you that if a child had any of the things mentioned above happen to them and they were actually able to survive (unlikely) they will not be resilliant and spring back.
ReplyI think He meant Greenstick fractures.
Children are actually more likely to survive traumatic events than adults. I could go into detail about it, but simply put, children are springy.
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesYeah. They have certain forms of protection that their body employs (both against disease and danger) that they eventually lose as they grow up. However, don't think that you can beat up your baby and throw him off a cliff, because this only happens sometimes. Alexis was obviously very lucky and a miracle.
Children are actually MORE vulnerable to disease and danger because their body isn't fully developed, especially in the case of disease since they don't have a completely developed immune system. It's the reason why we have pediatrics, because their immune system isn't fully developed and thus they often respond very differently to diseases. This is also the reason that when there are strong strains of the flu going around, or when there is smog, etc., the most vulnerable are the young(i.e. children), the old, and the weak (immune compromised, asthmatics in the case of smog, etc.). I will, however, mention that an infant has added protection only if he/she is breast feeding, so a child of 6 wouldn't have any added protection.
also adults have more muscle and fat that would reduce the damage of the bullets, which is really what matters to the article rather than immune system issues, meaning that it is definitely impressive that she survived so many bullets
Alexis Goggins: The most heart touching survival story I have ever read!
ReplyThis girl deserves the #1 spot on this list and on the "I Love My Mother Enough To Die For Her" list... How many of our own kids would do that for us?
That girl showed incredible courage and deserves to have survived!
Wow. #1 is amazing. Not just that she survived, but how brave that little girl is.
Reply