6 Ways The Recession Has Made The World Suck Less
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The Depression didn't get its name ironically, in the way you call a big guy "Tiny" or Nancy Grace "lady." It really was a kick in the ass, and so is the current recession/meltdown or whatever we're calling it now. But then you hear a story about how the economy may force everyone to stop wearing Crocs and you realize that as many kicks in the ass as the recession dishes out, there seem to be a few upsides. Such as... #6.
The Environment is Doing Great
Ever since Al Gore became the boogeyman who springs up from the back seat every time we gas up the Hummer, environmentalism has been big on everyone's mind. We try to recycle, carpool and eat less bald eagle. But is any of that enough? Well, probably not, no. But don't worry, where your personal efforts fail, global economic crisis excels. When the economy is booming we all want to buy lead-lined, CFC-spewing volleyballs and grilling accessories, all mass produced in China or India or some other part of the world where industrial runoff tends to also be bathwater for the average citizen. When the world suffers a huge economic downturn, pollutant-belching factories that cheaply make shit no one needs are the first to shut down.
This has resulted in acid rain-producing sulfur dioxide levels in Delhi falling 85 percent in a year and it's been estimated the the US's and Europe's total greenhouse gas emission will be reduced by 100 million tons each in 2009. Deforestation in the Amazonian rain forest has dropped 70 percent in a year because of the falling price of cattle and possibly because all of those "Save the Rainforest" buttons from the mid-80s finally found their way south of the equator.
Presumably if we hit Depression-era squalor all around the world, we'll at least get to enjoy fighting for scraps of food and blankets in a verdant paradise. #5.
Great Deals on Whores
It says something about the power of the current economical crisis when even the oldest profession in the world feels the cold, uncircumcised sting of the recession in its rear end. Sadly, times being what they are, many conservative politicians and hard working fathers had to cut down on teenage-runaways; instead spending their meager extra dollars on things like grandma's medication and HBO. With so many street walking girls and whore houses seeing a rapid drop in customers, many have fallen back on tactics that keep dollar stores and late night TV infomercials in business: bargain basement prices!
Reports say that promotions, specials, cut prices, flat rates, shuttle buses (holy hell!) and even discounts for seniors in brothels all around the world mean way more action for you and your wheelchair bound grandpa. How much action are we talking about here? Well, some professional massage parlors, also known by their Christian name "rub-n-tugs," had to cut prices by 30-50 percent; meaning every ESL lady massaging your ballsack may only be pulling in $80 or so (and that includes a tip). The situation has apparently gotten so desperate that Berlin's Pussy Club (the Mecca for lovers of both womanly charms and subtlety) started offering a 70 Euro Flat Rate service for unlimited food, drink and sex at their establishment, catering to the coveted "fat, drunken pervert" crowd who tend to drive the economy. The situation isn't much different on our own continent. Canada's hookers recently had to drop prices to about $20 for oral sex or $60-$80 for the full on Canuck Fuck. Based on exchange rates, if you paid in American dollars she'd actually owe you money.
#4.
Tons of New Junk Food, and Fine Wine to Wash it All Down
If you tend to watch lowest common denominator shows, such as America's Got Talent, Cops or anything on the FOX network, and the commercials that cater to the audiences of said shows, you probably already heard about KFC's new grilled chicken despite the fact their very name makes this new idea look completely ridiculous. It'd be like Gary's Fisting Emporium suddenly offering non-fisting services, like firm handshakes and hugs.
Strangely enough, the recession has forced other chains to follow the Colonel's example to drum up sales. So now Pizza Hut is raking in 500 million a year selling pasta, and McDonald's is getting into gourmet brand coffee (each Venti Meal comes with a twitchy, manic poet toy of your choice). Rumor has it that Arby's has even switched from scrotum meat to actual beef, all in an effort to seduce those minimum wage yuppies into believing they're now able to live the high life at bottled toilet water prices. Naturally if you're eating like obese, trailer-park royalty you'll need something to wash all that down. Maybe some fine French wine, like a 2008 Bordeaux. But, you might say, isn't Bordeaux one of them fancy wine brands meant for people with gold plated toilets who change their underwear daily? Not anymore.
The recent economical drought has caused vineyards all over the world to drastically drop their prices--sometimes even by 50 percent! So while still pretty much a luxury item, as long as your kids aren't too committed to stuff like dinner and clothes, you can get a bottle of Bordeaux for about $180 compared to last year's $360, and finally enjoy a touch of class while you snack on reheated chicken parts eaten with a spork. |
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funny, if more people were doing number 2 (on the list, not actually pooping) it prob wouldnt be half as bad as it is now.
Also, mike is correct. What kinda mexicans are gonna come here for work now that nobody else has a job?
There's also the hidden benefit that all the illegal Mexicans will move back to their countries. **Ducks and covers.**
I am probably gonna get flamed for that one.
very good article, it made me think. people are too stupid to realize that giving up unnecessary luxuries will not actually ruin your life and make you depressed, unless you really are just a shallow shell of a human.
drop acid
Didn't another article on Cracked specifically point out that people do NOT eat healthier during a recession, mainly because cheap food tends to be junk food (McDonald's, Burger King, etc...) and healthy food tends to cost an arm and leg (think some organic chains)? Didn't it also point out that for this reason people are more likely to eat worse/cheap/processed foods and actually gain weight?
If nobody minds, I'd like to interrupt the bickering and take a moment to thank the Author for the line:
"Many companies still refuse to treat this series of tubes as anything serious, writing it off as some whippersnapper fad like Frisbees or Polio shots".
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It's just one way of interpreting various information people. Everything's simultaneously getting better and worse. It just depends on how you look at it.
I'm far-left, anyway. Historically, socialism/communism and their failings are a lot like those of religion. It's not the concepts, it's the people. I dunno if world society will ever break this pattern, but I still maintain my ideology. Money's unfair to 99% of the population of the world. No amount of initiative and ambition will ever allow an Ethiopian child to become the next CEO of Microsoft or Secretary General of the UN. Success is based on two things; circumstance and socialisation. Some people transcend this 'rule'. There are rags to riches stories out there, I know. But that doesn't stop almost the entire population of the world being subject to it.
So, yeah. Bring on the revolution.
To MeatloafCupcake,
It very much amuses me that you made a post so full of logic and words I'm betting you thought most of these folk don't understand.
Yet you said "their" when it should have been "they're."
That's better. Thanks Slowmotion, Irateidiot, Finsama and geyfag McWhatever
Dongtacular article. Funny, interesting, and sourced.
For some reason I'm thinking of "Always Look on the Bright Side of Life".
I sort of want to be a hipster. Minus the hip part. I just want to never have to pay for anything.
Now, what are we talking about 'old media?'
Books? I like books. TV can go take a flying leap (minus Venture Bros.), but I hope books stay. My local newspaper went out of business, but I can't say I'm choked up about it, because it sucked.
@cherry668:
You and your damn lefto-communist views, you're going to destroy the world with a nuclear bomb because of your beliefs! If all the singles got together, especially the tall ones, then we wouldn't have any singles left, because they would be couples, or threesomes, or I don't know what! It would destroy the entire American infrastructure, and if we don't die from it we'll die because we're open to attack.
Don't join in his TallSingle leftist brainwashing!
Before you blast old media, tell me what all of these publications have in common?:
The Washington Post
Newsweek
The UK Independent
The Toronto Star
The Tennessean
The New York Times
The Times UK
Utah Valley Daily Herald
Answer:
They were all used as sources for this article.
Look, can we skip the whole "new media/old media" bullshit? If the internet would quit acting like its too cool for the room while gleaming info and profits from its old media counterparts, and newspapers would quit shaking their canes at the internet and try and adapt to this new way of presenting the news, we may actually get some quality journalism for a change.
Am I the only one who thinks that "Crazy Pimp Eddy" looks suspiciously like Scott Weiland from Stone Temple Pilots?
Fewer ghetto bitches at Red Lobster http://xrl.us/be3sso
Here is a very nice place
-------------- Tallfinder.com ---------------It's where tall singles looking for someone to enjoy their lifestyle with.if you want to find friends,sign up for your free profile now,you are just seconds away from taking that first step towards the life you have been longing for..
Gay Fey McGaymaster, the recession has been going on longer than Obama's been in office, so this article would exist whether or not a republican was in office. Do not think your party or ideology to be perfect -- it is not [and neither is leftism or liberalism or whatever]. Whether Obama was born in Kenya or not is actually completely irrelevant when you look up what a "Natural Born Citizen" is. The Simple Version is "Born in the US" the more complex version is a lot more complex than that. You can also be born anywhere in the world to at least one parent with US Citizenship to be a Natural Born Citizen. IE: Obama's mother who was born in KANSAS, US and was a citizen when Obama was born. The Kenya claim is also complete and utter bullshit because there's such a myriad of proof of where Obama was born -- his Certificate of Birth was publicly displayed, the state of Hawaii confirmed that he was born within it, there's a newspaper announcement of his birth that exists, what the f**k more of proof do you want? Seriously? You're not going to believe it no matter what because you're a f*****g tool.
Like people have said here before, socialism has not truly failed. Sweden still thrives. Why do people forget about Sweden? Socialized medicine is well loved all over the world. Seriously, if it was not, no one would have it, these are democratic countries that have it, the UK, France, most of Europe. But it's alright, you care more about the foreign rich who love their heart fixed in the US than you care about America's poor who can't get medicine because they are, well, poor. More people go bankrupt in the US thanks to medical care than any other reason. Yeah, great f*****g healthcare it is, socialism must suck so much what with people around the world clinging to it like America clings to guns [which isn't in any even a bad thing and it shouldn't be misinterpreted as me saying we should get rid of them]. I don't think socialism has much of a place in America. But we still have socialist systems from police forces to the post office. Why not health care?
TL;DR:
You're a retard. Obama is a citizen, if he wasn't he wouldn't have been able to run for presidency period stop listening to bullshit and socialized medicine is preferring America's poor to Foreign Rich.
Now stop ruining this nation.
@ Everyone
I love how the minute anyone says anything about Obama their racist. You got to admit that the idea of deficit spending is kind of an oxymoron.
When you get down to it conservatives and liberals are exactly the same, it just helps keep us divided, as quite easily seen on these very boards. We tend to say one thing and do another and at the very core the problem is we are trying to accommodate so many people of different backgrounds, and thats impossible...so we kill them at the same time.
So keep watching the news and eating your fast food and High Fructose Corn Syrup.
@ Lost4ngel
meh....often words need to be arranged in a particular order known as "sentences" to be comprehensible...so your comment isn't a good example...
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Mike is right, and hell, even tough i'm an american citizen i'm really thinking about going back to mexico.