#3. The J'naii a.k.a. the People of Planet Lesbos
Star Trek: The Next Generation, Episode 116: "The Outcast."
Alright, so when the Star Trek writers tackled the subject of where babies come from, we got a wrist nipple. Let's see what happens when they take on the complex subject of transgenderism and homosexuality!
The J'naii are a genderless androgynous race, which deeply opposes any kind of sexual activity. Now most men would likely be deterred in the face of overwhelming cultural opposition and a confusing genital situation, but Commander William T. Riker isn't most men.
Once Riker hits the planet and starts spreading his beardy musk around, a J'naii named Soren immediately decides he/she wouldn't mind a ride on his "number one." This brings up the question, are the J'naii actually genderless or are they just a race of aliens with bad haircuts and primitive bra technology? It doesn't help that the Trek producers had women play all the J'naii, making them come off less androgynous, and more like a planet of women's softball coaches.
The episode's message ends up completely garbled. Intended as a condemnation of homophobia, the episode instead comes off as the story of one woman's brave quest for cock in the face of lesbian tyranny.
Video Evidence of J'naii Lameness
From Soren and Riker's least-sexy talk about sex ever at the beginning to Worf's hilarious casual misogyny at the end, these may be the most uncomfortable 10-minutes of Trek ever.
#2. The Kohms and Yangs a.k.a. The Hamfisted Political Symbols
Star Trek, Episode 55: "The Omega Glory."
It's common for aliens in the Trek universe to be metaphors created to address contemporary political or cultural issues, but in the case of the Kohms and Yangs subtlety was set on fire, strapped to a dump truck full of dynamite and rolled off a cliff.
The Kohms all look to be Chinese, wear goofy Russian fur hats and are generally a bunch of jerks. The Yangs on the other hand are white, blonde, manly men who love freedom. It doesn't take Kirk long to deduce that the Yangs were once known as "Yankees" and the Kohms were "Communists." The Yangs even worship a replica of the United States Constitution and use an American Flag as their symbol.
So how did these space Americans and Commies come to exist? Time travel? Uh, tachyon rays? M-rays? Some sort of rays?
Nope, unlike the ridiculous gangster planet up there, apparently this exact mirror of the cold war during the 1960s developed purely by chance. It's explained that this is perfectly plausible due to Hodgkin's Law of Parallel Planetary Development, also known as Gene Roddenberry's Law of, "It's Friday, Let's Get This Goddamn Script Done so We Can Hit the Links."
Video Evidence of Kohm and Yang Lameness
Kirk's patriotic speech is stirring and all, but he seems to have forgotten he represents the Federation, not the United States, and in fact according to the Trek timeline the U.S. hadn't existed for over 100 years by this time.
It's hard to disagree with the message there. No matter the time, circumstances, race or planet, all people can be united by one idea: the USA is awesome. To think it took a Canadian to remind us of that. Thank you, Mr. Shatner. Thank you.
#1. The Greek Gods a.k.a... the Greek Gods
Star Trek, Episode 34: "Who Mourns for Adonais?"
So, it turns out the Greek gods were real. They were a race of aliens that lived on a planet named Pollux IV and traveled to Earth 5,000 years ago to dick around with us. By the time the Enterprise arrives at Pollux IV, only Apollo is left for no particularly well-explained reason (other than a limited casting budget).
If you're expecting a twist, wherein it's revealed Apollo is a fake, don't. The episode plays it completely straight. Apollo is an actual god who can throw lightning bolts, and make giant green Enterprise-grabbing hands appear in space.
That's the Star Trek scientific explanation. He's a freaking Greek god and you were fools to have doubted.
Though as far as gods go, Apollo is kind of a loser. Kirk is less afraid of him than a trip to the dentist and in the end of the episode Apollo decides to end it all because a chick he met a few hours ago rejected him.
Video Evidence of Greek God Lameness:
See what happens when Apollo dares to step to the real God of the Trek universe, William Shatner. Also... aren't togas supposed to be longer than miniskirt length? We think we see scrotum there.
Nathan Birch also writes the far out webcomic Zoology.
And check out more Star Trek with the Star Trek TNG Rap (WARNING - EXPLICIT LYRICS) and Star Trek Prequel Spoilers: 8 Piping Hot, Barely Legal Pics.
And check out some space boobies over at our Top Picks.