Star Trek's 6 Most Ridiculous Alien Races
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#3.
The J'naii a.k.a. the People of Planet Lesbos
Appeared in: Star Trek: The Next Generation, Episode 116: "The Outcast." Alright, so when the Star Trek writers tackled the subject of where babies come from, we got a wrist nipple. Let's see what happens when they take on the complex subject of transgenderism and homosexuality! The J'naii are a genderless androgynous race, which deeply opposes any kind of sexual activity. Now most men would likely be deterred in the face of overwhelming cultural opposition and a confusing genital situation, but Commander William T. Riker isn't most men.
Once Riker hits the planet and starts spreading his beardy musk around, a J'naii named Soren immediately decides he/she wouldn't mind a ride on his "number one." This brings up the question, are the J'naii actually genderless or are they just a race of aliens with bad haircuts and primitive bra technology? It doesn't help that the Trek producers had women play all the J'naii, making them come off less androgynous, and more like a planet of women's softball coaches. The episode's message ends up completely garbled. Intended as a condemnation of homophobia, the episode instead comes off as the story of one woman's brave quest for cock in the face of lesbian tyranny. Video Evidence of J'naii Lameness From Soren and Riker's least-sexy talk about sex ever at the beginning to Worf's hilarious casual misogyny at the end, these may be the most uncomfortable 10-minutes of Trek ever. #2.
The Kohms and Yangs a.k.a. The Hamfisted Political Symbols
Appeared in: Star Trek, Episode 55: "The Omega Glory." It's common for aliens in the Trek universe to be metaphors created to address contemporary political or cultural issues, but in the case of the Kohms and Yangs subtlety was set on fire, strapped to a dump truck full of dynamite and rolled off a cliff. The Kohms all look to be Chinese, wear goofy Russian fur hats and are generally a bunch of jerks. The Yangs on the other hand are white, blonde, manly men who love freedom. It doesn't take Kirk long to deduce that the Yangs were once known as "Yankees" and the Kohms were "Communists." The Yangs even worship a replica of the United States Constitution and use an American Flag as their symbol.
So how did these space Americans and Commies come to exist? Time travel? Uh, tachyon rays? M-rays? Some sort of rays? Nope, unlike the ridiculous gangster planet up there, apparently this exact mirror of the cold war during the 1960s developed purely by chance. It's explained that this is perfectly plausible due to Hodgkin's Law of Parallel Planetary Development, also known as Gene Roddenberry's Law of, "It's Friday, Let's Get This Goddamn Script Done so We Can Hit the Links." Video Evidence of Kohm and Yang Lameness Kirk's patriotic speech is stirring and all, but he seems to have forgotten he represents the Federation, not the United States, and in fact according to the Trek timeline the U.S. hadn't existed for over 100 years by this time. It's hard to disagree with the message there. No matter the time, circumstances, race or planet, all people can be united by one idea: the USA is awesome. To think it took a Canadian to remind us of that. Thank you, Mr. Shatner. Thank you. #1.
The Greek Gods a.k.a... the Greek Gods
Appeared in: Star Trek, Episode 34: "Who Mourns for Adonais?" So, it turns out the Greek gods were real. They were a race of aliens that lived on a planet named Pollux IV and traveled to Earth 5,000 years ago to dick around with us. By the time the Enterprise arrives at Pollux IV, only Apollo is left for no particularly well-explained reason (other than a limited casting budget). If you're expecting a twist, wherein it's revealed Apollo is a fake, don't. The episode plays it completely straight. Apollo is an actual god who can throw lightning bolts, and make giant green Enterprise-grabbing hands appear in space.
That's the Star Trek scientific explanation. He's a freaking Greek god and you were fools to have doubted. Though as far as gods go, Apollo is kind of a loser. Kirk is less afraid of him than a trip to the dentist and in the end of the episode Apollo decides to end it all because a chick he met a few hours ago rejected him.
Video Evidence of Greek God Lameness: See what happens when Apollo dares to step to the real God of the Trek universe, William Shatner. Also... aren't togas supposed to be longer than miniskirt length? We think we see scrotum there. Nathan Birch also writes the far out webcomic Zoology. And check out more Star Trek with the Star Trek TNG Rap (WARNING - EXPLICIT LYRICS) and Star Trek Prequel Spoilers: 8 Piping Hot, Barely Legal Pics. And check out some space boobies over at our Top Picks. |
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I'm not a trekie, but I actually liked the some of the older shows. The one with the mobsters was one of my favorites, beat out only by the one with the little furry kooshball things called tribbles.
Hey you missed the Pakleds not to mention too terrible races from Voyager:The Baneans from Expost Facto(Yes im a trekkie) which were an avian race...with teeth...and hair....and lactating breasts..And lets not forget the Oocampa the most illogical species that defies the laws of evolution since they live for only nine years and are only able to reproduce once in their life which means they shouldnt exist in the first place!
Just one thing about the Apollo thing: actual Greeks did not wear togas, they wore stolas, and their male gods wore absolutely nothing. Nada. The actual Apollo of Greek mythology walked around completely nude with a teenager's body while Aphrodite the goddess of love wore an entire theater's worth of drapes on her body (yeah, Greek sexuality is weird, they turned the sexual exploitation of teenage boys one of the centerpieces of their culture).
most people seem to hate enterprise. well, not hate, but definitely not love either. the enterprise episode you are talking about is an awesome episode because the xyrilians gave the federation holodecks, which gives you the most awesome line in star trek ever...
"i can see my house from here"
:D
Hey, the J'nai are androgynous, but they still had sex with each other that was described as "very pleasurable" when Riker inquired about it. What they disapproved of is being binary-gendered like we humans are, ie exclusively either a man or a woman. There is no gay or straight if there is no binary gender. The "outcast" character was different because "she" wanted to take up the gender and (in her case, hetero)sexuality of a woman, which is also why she found humans and especially Riker fascinating. She wanted a binary-gendered relationship (her a woman, Riker a man) but her androgynous society forbade it. They weren't homosexual because they were androgynous. Her binary-gender predilection was erased technologically, however, when her superiors discovered her binary-gendered identity at the end. So the episode explored a lot of interesting (trans)gender and sexuality territory in a way that challenges the usual gay/straight way of mapping out these things. So screw you, and in an androgynous way...!
Yeah, I really love the original Trek series. As liberal as ole Gene tried to be with his "can't we all just get along" politics, in the end Kirk basically gave alien civilizations three chances to wise up and then promptly kicked their ass with a "don't f**k with the good ole U.S of A" verve. Because, if you aren't the supposed bully, then you're the b***h. lol.
He said Canadian, read it again d*****t
I'm surprised no one has commented on this yet, but, for #2 you mention that it took a Caucasian to tell us that the U.S. is awesome. In fact, it took a *Canadian* (William Shatner) to tell us the U.S. is awesome. Granted, he was still Caucasian, but a Canadian nonetheless.
Actually, I think J.J. Abrams may have ruined it already. Has anyone seen Kirk get his ass whooped more times than in that movie? After a while I began to suspect that the LAPD was involved somehow...
Oh my DOG!! Cracked has killed the Trek for me! :-b Landrew.. LANDREW!!! HELP ME LANDREW!
haha "the user" really fucked you on that last video
Hey! What about the episode where one race was half black, half silver and one was half silver, half black?
@katie5000
"#5 is interesting. It gets you thinking about what would happen if a group of people decided to base their whole civilization around an arbitrary old book containing nothing but ancient history. Hey, wait a minute... "
ZING! lol!
#5 is interesting. It gets you thinking about what would happen if a group of people decided to base their whole civilization around an arbitrary old book containing nothing but ancient history. Hey, wait a minute...
The pictures for #3 made me think of Exedore from "Robotech", for some reason.
god dammit I spelled "based" wrong
Stargate biased the entire show around the idea that all ancient gods were actually a*****e aliens.
lol"The Greek gods aka.......the greek gods!"XD
everyone's already mentioned them, but I'll just ask one more: Pakleds?
I was like 10 or something watching the Original episodes of Star Trek, they are still great and fun to watch,with all the moral speeches and cheesy low budget s**t, there was even a store in Berkeley called the federation out post in the late 70s where you could buy tribbles and stuff, I met George Takai and William Shatner there and got a B&W glossy photo signed and I still have it! lol..I am not pleased with the NEW star Trek's tag line "not your fathers star trek" what the f**k is that supposed to mean? My dad never watched star trek...or is that Me?
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I just find it funny that in Enterprise, the tribbles are revealed to be the arch-nemesis of the Klingons.