#3. Ricky Jay
He Does What Now?
Throws playing cards like a motherfucker.
Yep, Ricky's "that guy" you may remember from Boogie Nights and Deadwood. But acting is a secondary interest to Ricky, as throwing the living shit out of playing cards is his one true love. He's in the Guinness Book of World Records for throwing a card 190 feet at a speed of 90 miles an hour.
At first glance, the ability to throw a card with incredible speed and accuracy might look like a pretty cool and useful talent. You can imagine one taking to a life of crime fighting, spouting such pithy catchphrases as "You're about to double down... on death," or "let's play 52 card pick up, with your nut sack." Alas, Ricky's gift for card tossing isn't lethal--unless you're a watermelon.
That's right, Ricky Jay's fairly-amazing-to-watch ability to hurl a playing card ultimately does nothing beyond putting him neck and neck with Gallagher for the title of World's Greatest Watermelon-Based Entertainer. From this video, it seems to take him about 15 tries to do even get one to stick into the rind.
Ricky Jay embarked on his pursuit of magic and card flinging at an early age. Presumably, he pursued the magic arts for the same reason anyone would: to get laid. And getting laid proved a challenging proposition as this is how Ricky looked at the age of 12.
In addition to advancing his card-flinging ability--thanks to what must have been thousands of lonely hours flipping the things around his apartment--Ricky also amassed a comprehensive knowledge of the arcane and owns over 4,000 books on the subject of magic. So it goes without saying that he's drowning in vagina now.
#2. Jospeh Pujol: The Fartiste
He Did What Now?
Farted like a motherfucker.
A celebrity in his time, Joseph Pujol possessed extraordinary control over his farts. He could imitate cannon fire, thunderstorms, musical instruments and animal calls through the medium of fart. He also could play the flute with his ass, much to the chagrin of the flute's owner. In fact, someone wrote an ode to the fart master.
Please tell us you didn't watch all four minutes.
Pujol's ascension to fart master sounds like a superhero origin story. During his youth, little French boy Joseph experienced a strange and fortuitous day at the beach. While submerging his head under water and holding his breath, Joseph felt an icy cold rush to his anus. When he walked onto land he was shocked to find water pouring from his ass. Joseph learned he possessed incredible sphincter control. OK, so a radioactive spider bite this is not.
In time, he mastered control over his power and when he joined the French military he ingratiated himself among his fellow soldiers by using his special ability to suck up a pan of water and rocket the jet of liquid several yards using only his ass (like we said, this was the French military here).
Soon Joseph discovered he could also suck air into his ass and shortly thereafter he honed his ability to imitate the aforementioned weapons, animals, instruments and other phenomena. Joseph took his act to the stage and became very famous and rich under the name Le Petomane (translation: "The Fart Maniac").
Joseph famously ended his shows with a fart impression of the 1906 San Francisco Earthquake, a flatulent tribute that transformed a horrifying and tragic event into a fart-filled, crowd pleasing, feel good evening at the theater. Then World War I erupted. Joseph, overcome by the atrocity, chose to hang up the fart act for good. He apparently believed that there were some horrors that were simply too great to be overcome with the humorous power of farts. And in that, we believe he was wrong.
#1. George Vlosich
He Does What Now?
Creates amazing works of art... on an Etch-a-Sketch. Like a motherfucker.
Lay your unworthy eyes upon these.
Pretty amazing, huh? If you're in doubt as to how remarkable George's talent is, remember the last time you tried to make a circle on an Etch-a-Sketch. It's like trying to pull teeth... with your dick.
We are not the types to frown upon art, but here's the problem with George's work: art is not like gymnastics, you don't get extra points from the Russian judge for degree of difficulty. Would a painting by Monet be more beautiful or worth more if he had held the brush clenched between his butt checks?
There's no question what he's created is extraordinary--or, rather, he's created something perfectly ordinary but arbitrarily used a process that was extraordinarily difficult--but at the end of the day we can't get around the fact that all it takes to destroy his work forever is a douchebag older brother or a grandma with the tremors.
Now check out some people whose abilities aren't retarded and will blow your mind, in 7 People From Around the World With Real Mutant Superpowers. Or let CrackedTV's robot duo, Swaim and Clippy, take you further down the path of human retardedness, in The 12 Saddest World Record Attempts Ever Caught on Video.
And don't visit Cracked.com's Top Picks. Instead, put down those cups you've been practicing your stacking skills with and go outside. But first, go to our Top Picks page because there are boobs there (figuratively and literally).